Desperately need to find the right school for DS - advice please

[ShrewShrew]

DS, 12, end of Year 7, moved to a small boys only prep school last year from state primary. Academically, it has been great for him, though he has had to work very hard to catch up on the faster speed of many subjects and some new ones. It has also done great things for his achievements in sport, as he has never had a chance to shine in that area before, not having much sport at his previous state primary.

Socially, he is feeling a bit low. He finds the small cohort quite sheltered and with few interests similar to his own. He gets on with it, but confided recently how low he feels about it, feeling like he cannot be himself there. He has been there a year now and has one year to go, and is dreading it. Also, one teacher does seem to pick on him - other boys have commented on it, this teacher has made him cry several times [usually not the crying type at all] and we have done all we can to address it politely and straightforwardly - it doesn't seem to improve after several meetings about it. He may not be that robust emotionally, but I don't really want him to have to endure that kind of thing long term.

He has a place at an excellent senior school for Year 9, though boys only, and though it is much bigger, he is worried it will be more of the same - bit rigid and high pressure. He would love a co-ed environment, a place where people are friendly and diverse. We want a place where he will be pushed but also be happy and feel relaxed. A high emphasis on the arts and emotional intelligence would be key.

Willing to move at this point. Have to be within an hour and a half of London I think [not London itself can't afford to live there]. Any ideas gratefully received.

North, south, east or west London? Also don't underestimate the effects of a long and/or difficult commute

We would move to be near the school - we already commute to London for work, so that won't be a problem. I guess to be on the side of West London would be helpful, but not absolutely necessary.

I was going to suggest a Bedes but that's near Eastbourne.
Leighton Park reading?
St Chris Letchworth?

Sevenoaks or Alleyns? Both are co-ed and have intakes at Y9. Sevenoaks might seem far out but it has good fast transport links into London. Sevenoaks also have a very broad curriculum and amazing facilities and as part of the IB programme they have a good focus on community spirit. I don't know what availability they'd have though as they are both popular schools. For an academically bright boy there may be the odd in-year grammar place available, there are co-ed grammars including in London Borough of Bexley. Cranbrook grammar in Kent also has an intake in Y9 but has had mixed reviews recently due to curriculum cut-backs. Good luck OP finding the right school, your DS sounds lovely and is blessed to have you.

Thankyou so much Petts that is kind of you. He is indeed lovely, and my heart aches for him that he feels so out of joint - would move mountains to find him the right place if i could.

Mary 21 - how interesting - have looked at the first two of those suggestions very closely! V keen on the idea of Bede's - haven't managed to visit yet as far from us - but v keen - do you know much about i? And like the idea of Leighton Park too - though Reading area and surrounding villages quite pricey.

Btw Petts I hadn't considered grammar schools much as we don't have any where we live currently, but can consider those in Kent, thankyou, if it isn't too late.

Senior school atmosphere and ethos is often very different than a lot of traditional prep schools If he is worried about lack of diversity in outlook and intake of his proposed senior school I would encourage another visit before a final decision since he should not judge from his prep school experience.
However if he basically wants an early exit from the prep school and to ease off the academic pressure and go co-ed then Bradfield, Haileybury and Caterham are other possibilities.

I agree with sendsummer my DS was unhappy in his last two years of his small prep (120 pupils), despite being popular and doing well academically. He (and a few others) found the ethos totally alien. He had boarded from a early age and we wondered if he was unhappy boarding and we considered and offered him non boarding/flexi boarding alternatives. But he decided to stick with his original choice.
He moved to his senior school (boys only unlike his coed prep) and thrived in a biggish school (700) where difference was positively embraced. It was diverse, with warm caring dedicated staff and most importantly like us liberal, so far removed from the stifling rigidity of his prep.
Assuming you've visited your chosen senior school at least a few times, spoke at length to staff and liked their approach to education, that your DS's interests etc were well catered for, hopefully compared it with a few others and felt it was the best fit, believed that it's ethos was generally in step with your own, carefully weighed up its pros and cons, and still felt this was the right school for your DS then I think you should be careful about changing your mind at this stage without a lot of careful thought. Can you go back with your DS and have another look, and chat to some key members of staff? I don't think it's uncommon to have a wobble at this stage.
Secondly if your DS is entering yr 8 your options may be more limited as some and I would have thought Sevenoaks is one pre test and select in yr 6.

Leighton Park would me my recommendation. I'm a parent there and very happy with it. You can ask me questions via PM if you wish

Thanks sendsummer - you may be right. The problem is, except for seeing the school on his test day, he hasn't really had a chance to get a feel for the school. happygardening - we were never going to go down the boys only big private school route, we always hoped for a co-ed more informal but still challenging environment. When he had a chance to go to the prep at the end of year 6, we took it, as we had not got into the good comp in the area due to over subscription. Immediately they had the pre test for the big boys' school, which he did, and surprisingly to us, got in, with no coaching, etc. This opportunity was completely unexpected, and it does offer him huge possibilities which we are loathe to turn down - but we just don't know if he will be happy there. A boy showed us around the school when we parents had a look around, but there hasn't been that much of a chance to talk to teachers and no chance for him to speak to pupils or teachers , to get a real feel, but I assume that is what it is always like in these schools that are difficult to get into? We have asked if he can visit again, but that has been met with a no. There seems to be a bit of shock that even though we have accepted a place [it all happened so fast] that we are still wanting more info.

My gut says he would be much happier in a co ed environment [and he states clearly that is what he wants] and it is the emotional intelligence factor which is key.

The Tatler guide [ha ha] says Bradfield impossible to get into now! Could look at it though. Wondering if it is too late for Year 9 2018. Also going to see Dean Close. Don't want smart though, just nice people, and an emphasis on the person inside, not the outside, iyswim. And just to make it trickier, need a place in whatever area we go to that has a prep school with excellent provision for dyslexia, for my younger dd. Aaaargh!

That seems pretty rigid from the senior school admissions department. Again the admissions department often is different from the school and may be rather lazy if the school is in demand. If you are mentally poised to turn the place down you have nothing to lose by being more assertive about a visit. You could also indicate what the school might be to get MN opinion.
BTW Lots of boys with emotional intelligence in boys' schools. You don't need to rely on girls for that.

I think it's wrong that you've not seen much of your choosen school, after all your going to spend a considerable amount of money over the next five years you should have plenty of opportunities to decide if this is the right place. We were lucky and had about six separate visits including a pretty dull prospective boys open day but four were very informal visits where we could really get a feel for why the place was all about. Do you know someone with a DS already there? Would they give you an honest appraisal or perhaps start a thread on here, (under a different name) if it's a very big name you'll always get fanatical lovers and haters but IMO once you cut back their obvious bias and theres more than a grain of truth in even their comments. Can you attend a play, or concert, (DS2's school opened most plays/concerts up to Jo Public I think this is pretty normal stuff) then you can watch the boys/staff. Hang around the area, especially any local shops if there are any, watch the pupils do you like what you see? Don't forget that teenage boys aren't robots youre bound to see some pissing around, a bit of pushing and shoving is normal and light hearted banter but you should also feel that they care for and support each other. Have you checked with the school that your DS's interests will be met both academic and extra curricular? Are you looking for day, weekly boarding full boarding does your chosen school actually offer what you want? If it's boarding have you met the HM?
I was ambivalent about coed or single sex when we made our choice what now seems like a frighteningly long time ago. Since then I've not only observed the pupils at DS2's school but also worked in both coed and SS schools. It's obviously slightly school dependent but I suspect if my head was on the block and I had to vote I'd now favour SS. DS2's school far from being a macho testeone fuelled envoinment lacking emotional intellectual it was a place where boys can be what they are, they didn't feel the need to live up to the often unrealistic expectations of their peers or social media, where mistakes that adolescent boys often make as they grow up when they push boundaries were understood because staff have experience of dealing with adolescent boys, and where they clearly felt they could obviously really care for, support and look after each other, the cameraderie between the boys was really special. I've not seen anything quite like this in coed schools. Obviously this doesn't apply to all SS schools but don't assume that SS means laking emotional intelligence.

That's a good idea happygardening - we are not always sure when concerts etc are happening, but we should definitely try to get informed and try to go to some extra curricular stuff like that. It is a bit frustrating that we can't get to know the school better - it does seem rigid to me sendsummer - I did ask and was told it was v unusual, and in the end we had to go around with prospective parents whose children hadn't applied yet. I don't get a massive feeling that emotional intelligence and happiness is as important as results - but my experience is limited so far. I want him to be challenged and proud of achievement, but yes the camaraderie, that would be a fantastic thing for him to find. There are a huge range of extra curricular opportunities for him at the school, that does seem clear. Whether he will rise to the challenge of a lot of pressure and still enjoy the extra curricular stuff, I am not so sure. I wonder if he is the type to need his confidence boosted by doing well and being top of the class, iyswim, rather than being one of many doing equally well or better than him.

Have you been honest with the admission dept; "my DS is having serious doubt can he please come and meet a couple of boys and a possible form teacher/tutor/house master". If the school persists in not helpful then maybe you do need to rethink your decision. If that's how they react now how will they be if your DS has a problem.
I hope it's not boarding, all HM's I've worked with would happily help.
Look on the website re concerts/plays etc.
Weather he's better off being the top of a class or being one of many is difficult to answer. I personally believe super bright children should be with and needs lots of other super bright children. They need to in an environment where they're are no limits on learning and you're not being held back. Others of course will disagree!

Frensham Heights in Frensham, just outside Farnham, Surrey, is definitely worth you looking at.

"Pressure" is difficult my DS2 never felt under any pressure he cruised into both IGCSEs and Pre U's with his feet firmly on the desk. In fact I used to wish he felt under a enough pressure to at the very least take his feet off the desk and wonder where his pen was. But then we're totally slack parents so this probably contributes to his laissez fairer attitude. I know some of his friends did feel under considerable pressure from both parents and school.

It seems to me that what you now know your son needs, is different from when you chose his senior school - which you say you dont really know that well anyway. It seems a huge risk to me to send him there without alot more investigation.

If you do decide to look elsewhere, I dont know Leighton Park but my children are also at a Quaker School (Im not religious at all) and their ethos means the school is very calm, accepting and encouraging. When its written in the prospectus it all sounds a bit 'hippy, love and peace' but somehow it really works as a lovely environment. Visit in person and see if its for your son.

Frensham Heights looks fab Whereto, but worried it might be too loose in its structure for him. Gawd can't win sorry

Ds cruised through his state primary near the top of the class happygardening. Seemed to like it that way. Does get v worried about work/homework/exams now at his prep school, though he does generally get good grades [ except for the subject where the teacher has made him cry, and that is a shame, because he has never had any problems in that subject before]. But just seems to get v stressed - so not sure pressure long term a good thing for him. But then again he does seem to get stressed mostly around the subject that this blardy teacher teaches

It isn't boarding. I am hoping there is an induction day next year which will give him a better flavour - but still would like to look at other options - still hoping we will find the place that just feels 'right'.

I do like the Quaker ethos Sunnyshores. I do feel the emphasis on mental well being and mutual respect is so important. I just worry about making sure he achieves his full potential too. I really sound impossible I think, but I hope you know what I mean. That balance between being challenged and getting good results, and being happy and having time and energy to do the stuff you love. And he is feeling quite low in his self worth, despite quite a lot of achievements, that can't be right, so I feel a Quaker school could address that in his school life and his social life.

Because our Quaker School is non selective they have a range of abilities and they also have quite a few foreign students, who take different EFL exams which I think means its hard to be competitive or comparable to the next student - in academic terms but also in youth culture terms because a Vietnamese 14 year old is very different from an English 14 year old. So there is more acceptance and difference on many levels.

I think, from this ease and respect comes a belief that they can do anything and they then are prepared to try harder. So perhaps not pushed as such. But anyway, what is reaching full potential? Getting As instead of Bs? Or getting Bs but having a plan, dreams and believing you can achieve them?

My son went to this school feeling very unhappy, very uninspired I suppose about life in general and not really mixing or enjoying himself. Since being there he now has a few really good friends, goes to 2 after school clubs (unheard of in Prep School), he wants to stay on and do A levels and wants to do a specific degree for a specific career path.

Perhaps he's just grown up and would have found his way at any school. But I dont think so. Gradually, he's relaxed, got happier, tried harder and things have fallen into place and now he has a bright future.

Its certainly not the right place for some children I know, but Quaker Schools are an under-rated gem for others.

sorry that was so long - I really struggled with schooling and am so relieved now Im quite evangelical!

Sunnyshores that was a lovely post. That all makes a lot of sense. I guess I am torn on that environment - I think it would offer a lot of safety and stability for him, but also wonder if it would push him to achieve. He cruised through his primary school, and though he did well academically, he didn't have access to extra curricular stuff that he is doing well in now. Does it make him happier? I think if he had one or two really close friends he'd be happy, and an environment where he felt a bit more relaxed. never expected this to be so hard.

My advice would be to go and look at several schools as you are doing. It is a bit like looking at houses, it is often about just knowing what is out there so that you can feel comfortable about whatever you choose. atmosphere. If your DS was constantly looking for stimulation and wanted to be pushed then I would select the most academic school with the brightest peers but that does n't sound the case at the moment. Don't forget that he can always transfer to a more academic sixth form. Despite all the hype in London and Greater London about selecting the best schools and the importance of the best academic cohort, DCs tend to end up at the same universities as those elsewhere in the country who have not been through that same pressurised atmosphere.

However don't choose a senior school that he will outgrow very quickly just because it feels comfortable for him at the moment when he is feeling vulnerable.

Your last sentence is exactly my quandary sendsummer. But l also don't want him constantly stressed, and he does get stressed. So difficult.

SendSummer is absolutely right, its about reinforcing your decision, maybe still not finding absolutely the 'right' school, but knowing you havent chosen the 'wrong' school iyswim - and you do know when you visit a school that is 'wrong' for your child, just like viewing a house where you just dont feel it for some unknown reason.

The more schools you visit the more you will get to know what you like and what you dont like. I ruled out alot of schools for things they did (singlesex, cadet force, religion, too sporty) or things they didnt do (extra curricular, results, facilities) - these were absolute nos.

Then there were 3 schools left that I could have chosen, then it was a combination of fees, housing prices, but primarily the 'feel'. I was happiest with our eventual choice, but even so there were a few concerns. But I knew, nothing else on the list came as close to my vision of ideal.

It is horrible, I really feel for you.