Desperately need to find the right school for DS - advice please

[ShrewShrew]

DS, 12, end of Year 7, moved to a small boys only prep school last year from state primary. Academically, it has been great for him, though he has had to work very hard to catch up on the faster speed of many subjects and some new ones. It has also done great things for his achievements in sport, as he has never had a chance to shine in that area before, not having much sport at his previous state primary.

Socially, he is feeling a bit low. He finds the small cohort quite sheltered and with few interests similar to his own. He gets on with it, but confided recently how low he feels about it, feeling like he cannot be himself there. He has been there a year now and has one year to go, and is dreading it. Also, one teacher does seem to pick on him - other boys have commented on it, this teacher has made him cry several times [usually not the crying type at all] and we have done all we can to address it politely and straightforwardly - it doesn't seem to improve after several meetings about it. He may not be that robust emotionally, but I don't really want him to have to endure that kind of thing long term.

He has a place at an excellent senior school for Year 9, though boys only, and though it is much bigger, he is worried it will be more of the same - bit rigid and high pressure. He would love a co-ed environment, a place where people are friendly and diverse. We want a place where he will be pushed but also be happy and feel relaxed. A high emphasis on the arts and emotional intelligence would be key.

Willing to move at this point. Have to be within an hour and a half of London I think [not London itself can't afford to live there]. Any ideas gratefully received.

Schools don't seem too keen on people going around and visiting more than once though! And we never get to see classes in action, or speak to teachers, which I would really like to do.

They should be fine with a second visit. You won't often get to see a class in action, you should definitely be able to talk to teachers on a first visit. Once you have shortlisted some, if you are still unsure ask for a second visit. If they say no strike them off your list and tell them that is why.

If youre not allowed a 2nd visit, or to speak to teachers then I wouldnt want my child going there fullstop. Thats ridiculous.

I visited my final 3 choices twice and the actual one I chose 3 times. One open day each where you spoke to teachers anyway and second visit as an individual guided visit where you got to see classes and the school in action on an ordinary day. The 3rd time at the chosen school went back and asked very specific questions about how theyd integrate him. We were moving halfway across the country to go to this school and they understood what a huge decision it was.

Was coming on here to suggest Frensham Heights too.
Also look at King Edwards Witely.

I wouldn't expect too and haven't ever seen a class in action.
But I definitely would expect to meet a couple of teachers and ideally a couple of pupils, hopefully in a more informal environment than an open day. I sat with some 6th formers at DS2's school whilst they were having lunch, they were relaxed, in their home eating lunch in between lessons, so not making any particular effort to impress and were exceedingly honest and at times critical of the school and their HM, their behaviour and comments were what finally sold it to me! Their complaints about their HM "too many rules", but also their absolute belief that he cared about them and was always there for them were why we choose him, 6 years later I listened to my own DS saying the same thing!
I always think on any visit to a school you need to spend most of your time observing pupils and staff (rather than admiring swimming pools and en suite bathrooms), and don't be afraid to ask difficult questions. I was concerned about the provision of one subject at DS's school, luckily I met a teacher from the dept and challenged him, he was horrified I felt like his and quickly whizzed me off for a private tour of the dept to prove his point!

I think we seem to have been shown around schools either at break time or when residentials are happening or... I don't know, really! We have been shown around a couple of schools by very smart pupils - but they are so much on their best behaviour, and we are usually with other parents, so hard to get a flavour of how they really feel. Come to think of it,the girls who showed us around one particular [quaker] school were the sweetest and most open of any of the young people we've met at schools. The results are below the national average though, which worries me - though I know they have a very diverse cohort [quite a few SENs] - think ds would be happy there but worry he wouldn't be challenged enough in the long term. Would love to chat to pupils more, and a couple of teachers, but not sure how to achieve that.

Shrew i mean this in the nicest possible way, but you're not being nearly pushy enough. This is a huge decision for your family, you just need to phone and ask. You have very specific concerns about how they would motivate their pupils and if they wont or cant answer your questions, then they're not a very good school IMO.

You are probably right. I am so worried about coming across as a difficult parent, and that meaning they refuse us a place! Trying so hard to be terribly nice. But yes, it is a massive decision, and I feel a bit at sea with it [now considering Bede's, Leighton Park, Dean Close amongst others, all at very different ends of South England] - and feel a bit lost. Maybe we need to see an educational consultant [god they are pricey though]

Sunnyshores is absolutely right. To be fair to the schools you need to shortlist first but to achieve your aim of a second visit with informal chat to some of teachers and pupils you need to just tell them that's what you need before making a final decision if they say it is not usual just state that in your case it is necessary and when can they arrange it. Schools should all be about caring for the individual so admissions should also reflect that when needed.

Thankyou. And of course have to find the right place for dd too so an added issue of complexity. Will have to knuckle down to the search over the summer and next term, as time running out.

IME even the most oversubscribed schools have been extremely accommodating in that regard and their teachers actually enjoy meeting and talking to prospective pupils.
Don't be put off by the admissions departments.

If you are going as far west as Cheltenham for Dean Close, friends have been very happy with a small junior school called Airthirie for their dyslexic DCs . Alternatively in Oxford, although more expensive options the Dragon prep school is excellent for dyslexia and your DS might get a place at St Edwards.

I never though the Dragon was a good place for dyslexia! Very bright sweet kids [had to be at the school for a few events] but thought it was super pushy academically. St Edwards we might have discounted because so pricey and thought v posh. We might reconsider, but ds would have to try for a scholarship. Will look up Airthirie, thankyou!

If we could go as far as York, Bootham looks interesting for ds. Not sure about dyslexia provision for dd though. Really like the Quaker ethos.

The Dragon is excellent for all academic ranges including dyslexics. It certainly pushes the very bright and uses its excellent teachers as much for the less academic and dyslexic. The extracurricular activities and ethos of informality and independence allows DCs to gain confidence in themselves. There are always moaners for each school but IMO it does deliver something extra which is worth the fees.

Highgate (north London) takes a few new pupils in Y9.

I would recommend d'Overbroeck's in Oxford. It has very small classes, a relaxed uniform, really excellent teachers, all on first name basis with the kids. The school is challenging without being overly academic or pushy. For many children, it is a place they can really relax and be themselves.

Thanks for the suggestions. Surprised at that about The Dragon sendsummer, but the children all did seem very happy there.

Blimey Shrew. That's an awful attitude of the school towards another visit. We recently made a late application to our local Indy and the staff repeatedly made it clear we were welcome. The head said a few visits can be helpful, at different times.

At the open day, each family was shown round by one boy, matched to the family, so we were shown around by a local day boy. We had plenty of opportunities to ask questions about our concerns. Likewise the staff patiently listened to my worries. The open day was on a Saturday morning so the boys were at school. We saw loads of lessons from a distance but also got to briefly eavesdrop on things DS was especially interested in like a drama lesson.

I know it's hard but I don't think you need to worry about being a difficult parent. Of course it's a partnership but it is also a huge financial commitment and the school should be trying to reassure you and let you know what it feels it can offer your DS. Is the school massively oversubscribed?

Maybe name the school, perhaps on a new thread with a name change and just ask for experiences?

Good luck.

That's interesting Chilly. I think one of the problems, with the the posh smart school, is that we applied without having gone to an open day, so we were on the back foot with it all. But yes it would be good if there were a bit more open about visits. have experienced this a couple of times now. You are right, it is a massive decision, and it is a bit disappointing about how schools expect you to make a decision based on one visit with no chats to teachers. Hmmm.

It sounds like your 'posh smart school' believes you should think yourself lucky to have been granted a place. Personally, that attitude would put me right off as they're not going to be interested in any problems you may have or in changing or adapting their ways (if needed).

well it does make me wonder. Though have heard excellent things about it. But my gut say it isn't a good fit for ds.

What about Oundle- has quite a good focus on arts.

I know nothing about Oundle PhilODox, but the drama looks very interesting. Will research further - thankyou.

Not sure if you are still looking but Frensham will assuming you pass yptheir relatively easy entrance exams will give your son a taster day where he sits in on a class.

Have one still there and one just left. Both very different - one really lacking in confidence and self esteem has been allowed to grow up I a safe environment. And the other is sporty and they are presently pushing the amount of sport, and different sports, available.
If you have any specific queries please ask.