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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Social isolation due to living a distance from school

34 replies

levegal7 · 22/05/2017 10:46

Hi, I am worried that my daughter may not make friends at school because we live 10 miles away. The school is a grammar school and many travel to it but there are no pupils travelling from our side of town. My daughter is the only pupil from her school who will be attending the grammar school. Its really important that my daughter makes friends but now I am worried about the social isolation aspect. Has anyone any experience of their children travelling a distance to school and what it meant for their friendships? Thank you.

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ifonly4 · 22/05/2017 11:02

I haven't got any experience of this, but I think the impact might be more on you, as you'll have to drive her over to friends the other side of town more and might just find yourself offering to do a bit more, ie if you have them for tea, you'll pop them back. If another parent struggles with lack of transport, then it might be a case of her seeing that friend less often but for longer, ie tea and a sleepover.

As they get older, they'll be arranging things by themselves and somewhere like town will be a central location.

Autumnsky · 22/05/2017 11:04

I think this shouldn't affect the friendship in the school , however, it may mean you have to drive her around to parties and meetings though.

At DS1's school, children come from all over the county by school bus, this didn't affect him making friends. We had to drive him to his friends house. Later, when they were a bit older, they started to meet in the town by public transports.

It is different to the local school though, I can see students from local school often stay in the park after the school finished. But DS1 only meet his friends during inset day, holidays, birthdays etc. So I think this part of after school fun missed.

If you are worried, then make effort in Y7. We invited a group of his friends to our house in the first term on inset days, I think this helped. As Y7, you feel they are too young to be left at home by themselves, so it was welcomed by other mums. And DS1 got invited to his friends house as well. Once the friend group formed in Y7, there are not much effort needed from parents I think.

juneau · 22/05/2017 11:06

A good friend of mine's DS goes to school a good half-hour drive from where they live. What it means is that he goes into town with friends after school and she has to pick up her little, take him home, and then come out again later on to pick up her old DS from town. It's become such a pain for her that they're actually moving this summer to be closer to the school/town, because in summer it's not so bad, but in winter she hated having to turn out in the dark and drive half an hour to pick him up, but the alternative is for him to miss out on spending time with his friends after school. You may find the same thing - that your DD is fine - it's YOU that will bear the brunt of the situation.

Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:08

Hi thanks for your reply. Yes I think you are right that it is going to be more effort from me and as I am a single parent that is going to be even more time consuming. As for when my daughter gets older, I am not sure I like the idea of her having to travel herself to see friends. If she meets a good friend and she is happy that will make me feel more settled. Thanks for your reply.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:11

Hi thanks Autumnsky that's really helpful. We only have a little house and my daughter has a tiny box room .... but that's another issue that is on my mind (doh!). Thank you for your reply.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:14

Hi juneau, thank you for your reply. Yes, that's a good point you make. All this is dawning on me now (after I have made the decision!). Thank you.

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monkeytree · 22/05/2017 11:16

Hi there. Yes not much to add, just to say that my dc is likely to be in this situation very soon and it does stress me out a bit, I think I've just resigned myself to driving around the place, hope it works out somehow x

juneau · 22/05/2017 11:19

Is there a bus route between the school and your home? That might your lives slightly easier, if she has a public transport option, as well as you. My friend lives in a small village with no bus service, so that makes her life particularly hard, but a regular bus route is a godsend.

fatbottomgirl67 · 22/05/2017 11:36

My DD was in exactly the same boat in year 7. Now in year 12. We live 25 miles from the school and no one else from her primary went there. The school were brilliant at placing girls from same train/ bus route in forms together. My daughter has the best friends shes ever had and has never felt excluded. The thing with grammar schools is there are very few from any one school starting together so they are all in the same boat friendship wise. Just encourage her to join in whatever she's interested in and in sure she'll be fine

fatbottomgirl67 · 22/05/2017 11:36

My DD was in exactly the same boat in year 7. Now in year 12. We live 25 miles from the school and no one else from her primary went there. The school were brilliant at placing girls from same train/ bus route in forms together. My daughter has the best friends shes ever had and has never felt excluded. The thing with grammar schools is there are very few from any one school starting together so they are all in the same boat friendship wise. Just encourage her to join in whatever she's interested in and in sure she'll be fine

Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:51

Hi monkeytree, thank you for your reply. Yes I am streesed to the point where I deliberating as to whether to ring the school I turned down. Hope it works out for you too.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:53

Hi juneau, yes. I have to drive my daughter 2 miles to the bus stop then a designated school bus will pick her up and takes her directly into the school grounds. There is no late bus tho uf she stays for an afterschool club.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 11:55

Hi fatbottomgirl67 thats really helpful thank you and encoraging. I think I may ring the school today to find out if they can reassure me somewhat. Thank you.

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MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/05/2017 12:00

I know this is probably frowned upon on Mumsnet, but DS is a few miles from his school and tbh technology is bloody brilliant for him. He connects to his friends via PS4, WhatsApp or FaceTime - it's not always evil Grin

GuestWW · 22/05/2017 12:11

@MilkTwoSugars
I hope he knits his own technology from organic oats!

reluctantlondoner · 22/05/2017 12:47

This happened to when I went to a Grammar school in a different town. Also the only one from my school to go there. I am eternally grateful to my parents for sending me to such a great school. They did make extra effort to have my friends over and take me over to the other town. Sometimes I felt a bit left out but my parents always tried to find a way to make sure I didn't miss out. Overall, any downside was massively outweighed by the benefits of going to a much better school than the local offerings.

OpalTree · 22/05/2017 12:49

Just re you worrying about her having a box room. What we do when dd has a group of friends over is let them have the downstairs and we hide up in our bedroom so they have privacy with their friends.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 22/05/2017 12:54

I went to a school in the next town. My mum was a brilliant taxi service all through the secondary years. From about 14 (I think) I was able to get the bus over there to visit friends at weekends and holidays, but the last bus home was about 6pm so Mum did a lot of collecting. It was fine, I made lifelong friends, but was a hassle for Mum. I also did lots of out of school activities, and am fairly introverted, so I didn't mind not having local friends to knock for, but if your child is more sociable it might be worth thinking about how to maintain friendships in your town as well.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/05/2017 13:24

My DD is in her last week, bar remaining A levels, of her time at a GS 20 miles away. I'm sure it has made some difference to her social life, but the benefits have vastly outweighed that. The balance may depend somewhat on the character of your child - if she's more of a sheep or a goat.

In the first few years the school bus was actually a great social club of itself. There is a regular public bus service on the same route (like you, the bus stop is a couple of miles away so we do have to make sure one of us is available for pickup) - this does help with allowing participating in and latterly running after school clubs. Is there no public transport at all (you might not want her using it solo in yr 7 but maybe when she's older)?
Social media really is a boon - if you've got a kid who can use it responsibly.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/05/2017 14:22

2 of my 3 children have been in this situation .
At selective schools lots of children come from a distance away and there are often only one or two from any particular junior school. In other words lots of them in the same boat!
It's true that it is more awkward so more driving and more sleepovers but I am sure it will all work

Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 14:23

Hi thanks for your response. Yes I did think that technology might help. She is just getting into it a little (crumbs!) at primary as my dd got an ipad at xmas, but no phone yet.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 14:27

thanks relunctantlondener (I am new to this today and don't know how to respond to each individual comment - or maybe that is not possible?) Anyhow, yes I hear what you are saying about the better school. I think the downside for me is that I was offered two places one 4 miles away and the other 10 miles away (both equally good grammar schools) - and now the realisation of the distance/friendship is hitting home so I am questioning my decision now!

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 14:30

Hi opaltree, thanks. Yeah I tend to do that now when the neighbours daughter comes to call. I sit and eat! in the conservatory. I have wondered whether to give up my bedroom (the bigger bedroom) for my daughter but not sure if this would be a good message to my dd. Maybe I am over analysing. thanks.

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Original poster
levegal7 · 22/05/2017 14:32

squekingintheshrubbery, yes I guess my daughter is more introverted. She hangs out with the younger neighbouring girl but not sure how long this will last because of the age difference. I am trying to maintain one primary school friend but when she gets to the local secondary school I am sure she will be too involved in her own local friends and not my dd.

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CotswoldStrife · 22/05/2017 14:36

I am wondering if we are in the same area - I took my DD to visit a grammar school about 10 miles from us and although she liked the school, the commuting time put her off! She has already decided to pick a closer school!

The school we went to look at did take pupils from a very wide area and as a result, they have very good methods for getting the very diverse group to gel - they even have a day together before they start at the school - so it might be worth asking the school if they have any activities planned for this reason.