Y7 DD isolating herself from her form - should I do something?

[Titsywoo]

When DD started in Sept she was the only one from her class at primary in her new form as most went to another school (we'd moved a bit further out when she was in year 3). So I was a bit concerned that she might struggle as she has always been up and down socially. She's a lovely girl but not massively confident so found people walked all over her and in year 5/6 her best friends started drifting away as they seemed to be maturing emotionally faster than she was.

On the induction day the new classes were all lined up and I noticed there were a lot of children from the feeder primary next door who all seemed to know each other and were all very loud and confident. Even the few people from other schools were in little groups and were chatting. DD was on her own and looking very apprehensive. However she came out at the end of the day and said she'd got chatting to some girls so we were feeling fairly positive.

DD suffers from anxiety in stressful situations and the lead up to starting secondary school (and the first couple of months after starting) were quite bad with her thinking the world was about to end and stuff (she was referred to CAMHS and got CBT).

Anyway when she started she found the girls from her induction day and all seemed ok for a week or so then they started drifting away (she said they looked at her like she was weird when she spoke to them). A week or so later she found another friend who seemed nice and all was ok. Then just after half term this friend went mad at her and screamed to leave her alone and that was the end of that friendship. It seems like a lot of the girls were making up rumours about others so it's likely DD got on the wrong side of this as her 'friend' was very popular and lots of people were jealous of DD hanging around with her. Anyway she was devastated because they were so alike and she thought she had found a really good friend. Luckily over a few weeks and some chats with me she realised this girl wasn't as nice as she seemed so DD just ignored her. I encouraged her to join some clubs and she met some girls who she is still friends with now. They don't have much in common (they like role-playing and anime and she prefers youtube and Little Mix!) but they are nice girls so she is ok in that respect although I have tried to encourage her to see them outside of school but she said they all roleplay at weekends and she doesn't like the sound of it. So it's not ideal but some friends are better than none!

My concern is that one of the clubs she joined is the drama tech club (lighting and sound etc) and one of the jobs is setting up the stage for assembly every morning. It's not something year 7's usually do but they accepted her as she has done lighting for school plays with her Dad in the past. Obviously doing this means she misses form room every day. In the last couple of weeks it has come to light that she likes to avoid form room anyway. After the Easter hols I said to her she should show her face to her form tutor. She said she got there and as the teacher wasn't there yet kids were standing on desks and throwing shoes at each other . She also said 2 girls were fighting in another classroom as one called the other a n*gger . She said they all act like wild animals and she hates them all. A few things have happened over the year - one boy calling her a cunt and a retard, another boy fancies her and strokes her hair, another girl steals her drinks sometimes and stuff from her pencil case, one girl yanked a clump of her hair out (she was from another form though). All this stuff has mainly stopped now. She says she isn't bullied just ignored. She doesn't really want to change forms as she said they are all as bad. She isn't unhappy just wants to avoid her form (which is hard when you have lots of lessons together!) but talks to them when she has to then finds her friends at lunch.

This is a very well thought of school that many people are desperate to get their kids into. It's not exactly the ghetto. DD is a very sensitive kid but I don't think she is lying or exaggerating. Reading it all back now it sounds awful that I haven't been to the school but she didn't seem upset by any of it just annoyed and she's not one to hide her feelings. Plus I didn't want to isolate her more by storming in and then these people getting in trouble and either way she didn't really want me to talk to her tutor. I did tell him early on that I was concerned she was struggling socially and he said he would buddy her up and keep an eye but that doesn't appear to have happened. I guess I was hoping that things would get better. And they have in many ways but I'm still concerned.

Any ideas?

Thanks :)

Sorry that was long! But I also need to add some of the reason she dislikes them is because they break the rules - having chewing gum in school etc so normal stuff for their age and also all the dating stuff and the fake designer gear. She seems a bit contemptous of them in a way and she's never been like that before. I think the dating stuff freaks her out a bit (she's not keen on the whole growing up thing and seems to be fighting it not rushing ahead like the other girls are!).

I work at a school and that sort of behaviour in form time would not be acceptable at all. And if this regular stuff (rather than the form tutor being delayed as a one-off) I'd be questioning how well they are supervised.

I would suggest you arrange a meeting with the form tutor to get their perspective on how your dd is getting on socially. If behaviour is generally poor in a form/year group I would expect it to be on their radar already and measures in place. Has your dd said if behaviour is ok during lessons?

Are there any safe havens in the school that quieter pupils can go to at lunchtime, e.g. the library?

It may be easier to make friends in future years if they put pupils in sets by ability & she gets to mix with a different group that way.

But I would definitely talk to the form tutor initially. The response you get will give you a feel for how the school deals with bad behaviour & pastoral issues.

I would add that I think it's very sensible for your DD to be removing herself from this situation and I wouldn't try to stop her lighting the assembly or finding other creative solutions like going to the library or whatever. It's not as though she's literally inaccessible then - if there are others in her form feeling the same as she does, they may find her rather than the other way round. Being happily self-sufficient is no bad thing. She has plenty of chances to practice her social skills and imho the social skill of getting on with hoards of unruly adolescents is overrated!

Drama tech sounds like a v constructive use of her time, I wouldn't discourage that. If she seems reasonably happy I would be.inclined to wait and monitor situation before contacting her form teacher.

The behaviour sounds pretty bad in form . I would also be concerned about what it is like in lessons.
I would arrange to speak to form tutor
I also think it's good that she's found a place in drama tech club. My Dd spends a lot of time in a subject area where she has found like- minded people

I also think that you should arrange to speak to her form tutor or head of year. The school said that they would buddy her up and keep an eye on her but this clearly isn't happening. Perhaps they think everything is OK because neither you nor Dd have complained. I'm presuming that she is at a large state school. I think it so easy to get 'lost' in an environment like this and the teachers are dealing with such a large number of pupils that they can't possibly know what is going on all time. There certainly seems to be quite a few behaviour issues which must be difficult for your Dd to deal with as she isn't one to break the rules. Are the girls she is friends with all in different forms or is there one form with more of her friends than others. Being ignored is absolutely horrible and is a form of bullying.

I would ask for her to be moved into a class with the girls who are nice. There must be some variation in how well controlled the classes are by the form tutors. Your dd's class does sound poorly controlled. Perhaps you could say to the head of year or whatever they have that she hasn't integrated at all well with her class as she finds them a bit wild and would be happier in a calmer environment with nice girls. What is the role play the nice girls do? It sounds interesting. Some of the behaviour she's experienced in the past sounds horrible.

Gosh! If my DDs had been spoken to like that in class I would be in there like a shot! That language is discraceful and is it not acceptable. Pulling out a clump of hair is assult. Why have you put up with this? No wonder she wants to do the lighting! Clearly this school is over-rated! Also, plenty of large schools do not have behaviour like from children. I know a school near me which has over 2000 pupils. No-one is "lost". It just has excellent staff, firm expectations of behaviour and children are encouraged to speak about any use of obscene language or poor behaviour to a member of staff and complaints are taken seriously.

As others have said, I would speak to her Head of Year. Isolation by her peers is not acceptable. However, it seems unlikely that every single pupil in Y7 is horrible. Would it be possible for a change of class for Y8? The Head of Year must know other pleasant kind children. Generally most children find their like minded buddies, but in the meantime, go into school. You have everything to gain.

She's not isolating herself with drama tech, she's find a safer, creative, productive path. You should be proud of her. She has found suitable new friends after a few false starts- those friendships will just take time to deepen and develop. She's resisting peer pressure to develop at a pace she deems unsuitable for herself.

It was always going to be difficult to be the only child from her former school at the new school.

And basically, she has handled it as if she had just gone to University, not secondary school. (How often are fishers told that the people they make friends with during fresher's week won't be in their social circle by Xmas?). She sounds adept at finding ways to protect herself without drawing unwelcome attention to herself. You should be very proud.

*found not find, freshers not fishers

I think you should leave her be for now, i think she's handling the situation admirably.
Drama tech is a great safe haven
ditto the library etc
she has found a group of "alternative" girls into other (i think way more interesting) things than youtube/little mix. they have accepted her. you should encourage those friendships and encourage her to join in and give it a go.

Year 7 is always difficult and some grils try new friendship groups and drift in and out of different ones - sometimes returning to existing friends sometimes not.

Keep encouraging her to mix and be positive and not say mean things (gossip listen to rumours etc) and she things should clam down in year 8

There no harm in speaking to her tutor if you are worried about her progress or fitting in etc - they are thee to help!

Mine were all the only ones fron their primary school to go to their secondary. I think it does take a while to "find your people". On the plus side there is lots to be said for actively choosing your friends rather than just sticking with people because you have known them a long time. And mine have all been quite brave about joining activities and going to college and uni when they didn't know anyone. Many young people these days seem to only operate with their mates as back up.

Thanks all. Yes I am proud of her as she has been very brave to start a new school with no friends and to be trying new clubs etc by herself. It just seems so unfair that she gets nothing but shit for it :(

I've talked to her a bit more about it and the problem is partly her and partly the other kids. They have labelled her as "weird", I guess because she is a bit shy and socially she can be awkward. So she has decided she hates them all - fair enough I suppose as they don't like her to sit next to them and whisper about her behind her back. The two girls who live on our road (part of the very popular kids) look at her if she is walking down our road and she just ignores them.

The other reason she doesn't like them is because they talk a lot abotu dating and who fancies who and she finds it ridiculous.

So they are just on different pages really but she is coming across badly and they are being a bit nasty.

So I think I need to help her work on her social skills without her getting a complex. She does need to work on this as if someone like a waitress or the GP asks her a question she still looks to me to answer or ums and ahs but doesn't say anything.

Argghh. I don't know if I'm getting too involved or not enough. My son has autism and will be starting secondary in 1.5 years and I'm worried about how he will get on socially there already. I didn't expect that DD would struggle as well :( I feel like this is all my fault.

I think you need to involve the school more. I agree with this.

As others have said, I would speak to her Head of Year. Isolation by her peers is not acceptable. However, it seems unlikely that every single pupil in Y7 is horrible. Would it be possible for a change of class for Y8? The Head of Year must know other pleasant kind children. Generally most children find their like minded buddies, but in the meantime, go into school. You have everything to gain

It isn't your fault but you do need to involve the school more. Good luck!

My DD was the only girl in her state primary school to move to a girls' boarding school. However she was outgoing and rubbed along with nearly everyone when she got there but she was known for her quirky fashion sense and irrational outbursts (hormone related). It just can happen.

In any group of girls there are clothes mad ones and those who talk about boys. Their hormones are on the march and perhaps your DD should be a bit less judgemental. At the moment they are just talking about boys - they are not sexually active! She does appear to need to think about who should could be friends with and as my DDs discovered , friendships are fairly fluid until they start studying for GCSEs. Mistakes are made. By Y10, they have grown up a bit, discovered who is like minded and become more able to tolerate excesses and characteristics in others that make them different from you.

I agree she is being judgemental bojo and I have mentioned it to her. I think she is struggling with growing up. Periods freaked her out when they started (even though we had discussed it at length so it wasn't a surprise!), the whole idea of sex disgusts her (learning about it in biology recently wasn't pleasant for her) and she used to say a lot when she was younger that she didn't want to grow up.

Glad to hear there's a chance it will all get better even if it is in a few years!

The problem with involving the school is what will it achieve? Particularly if part of the problem lies with her? They can't make the others be nice to her (seriously a teenager being told they need to stop being nasty to her is likely to make things worse!) and moving classes may just end up starting the same problem with a new crowd. She isn't keen to move as she thinks it won't help.

The school may offer resilience courses -- there maybe some clubs that work on social anxiety

They may bring like minded children together for confidence training -

There's loads to offer

Teachers can keep an eye out and see where the issues are

It's not asking them to stop the girls being mean - but they can help your daughter integrate better

Thanks you're right. I will contact the form tutor tomorrow to arrange a meeting :)

Sorry OP, I know it's been said but the behaviour at the school sounds unbelievably awful. I don't understand why form tutors are not there or any type of supervision? Perhaps they've become complacent as it's a good school?
I would perhaps consider other schools in the area if that's appropriate and right for your daughter.

Sounds like it's almost a self preservation thing- remove yourself from harm and anyone you associate it with it, even if some are nice kids.

My daughter thought biology disgusting in yr 7as they do reproduction.She is in yr 9 now and all the bitchy girl stuff from that seems to go on from yr 6-7 has eased as has the insesant who fancies who nonsense.
my daughter now has 2 best friends and doesn't hang around in the group she was in at the beginning.The groups of people from the same primary schools seemed to separate last year.
I think your daughter is dealing this with some maturaty but would still speak to her form tutor to get their view and you become a visible parent.

Thanks hothead that's really useful to hear. I've emailed the form tutor so will see what comes of that :)

I hope he is helpful. If not I'd go higher up. Not to complain about him but to enquire about help from another source.