DS Yr7 still having problems at school - should I change?

[lottielo]

Sorry about the long post. Have posted about this before but some new info in para 2.

Very worried about DS since he started in Year 7. His behaviour has changed a lot and he has lost interest in a lot of the hobbies he used to enjoy, as well as being very bad tempered and rude at home. Two weeks after he started, his form tutor said that she was worried about him. I told her that he says that he is being bullied but I thought that he was just being over sensitive when being teased. She explained that bullying can be teasing, name calling, running away etc, all things that DS mentioned. She was very helpful and arranged for him to meet weekly with someone from ESBAS to build up his resilience. DS didn't have any problems at primary school, there were the usual arguments and disagreements every now and then, but it wasn't an issue. Since starting at the large comprehensive, the kids from his old school have stuck together and a couple of them joined DS and his 'best friend' . DS says that this new group teases him relentlessly until he cries and then mocks him for being upset. DS likes learning, but when he answers questions in class, they say he is showing off. There has been a bit of pushing around, but nothing very physical and I think it might have been 'rough play'. They call him lots of names, including 'gay', although that they all do that and I don't think they mean it in the way we would define it. Thing is, DS keeps hanging around with this group because he said that he is frightened of being alone. What hurts him most is that his 'best friend' never stands up for him even though DS always defends his friend when others call him 'the ginger kid'. I had hoped that things would settle down, but it seems to be getting worse. Teachers have had to intervene much more frequently when DS gets upset in class. The school hasn't been in touch with me since about any of this, but I contacted his form tutor and said that I'm wondering whether DS could be on the spectrum (albeit mildly). He ticks most of the boxes for aspergers, but so do I and many people I know. I'm looking for strategies rather than labels, but also don't want to waste anyone's time. Teacher suggested visit to GP, but I feel a bit silly taking him for a consultation just because he cries when people make fun of him. He seems perfectly 'normal', articulate and very sociable and chatty with good eye contact. He was doing a lot of hand flapping at the start of the year, but this has settled down.

Today, his best friend's dad had a conversation with me and said that DS is not being bullied and the problem is that he is over sensitive and cries constantly. He said that unless he gets that behaviour under control, he will be increasingly bullied. He said his son says that DS misunderstands situations and blames DS for the disagreements (although just last week his son spent 20 minutes being told off by a teacher who witnessed an incident). One of the reasons the dad believes DS is so upset and angry is that he thinks DS shows clear signs of being gay and is trying to adjust himself mentally to a future life as a gay man. Now, I think that DS could be gay and I'm fussed either way. However, I'm wondering why DS would be so upset and angry because we have made it clear to all our children that their sexuality is of no concern to us and we will love them the same whatever. We do not tolerate homophobic language at home. Is it at around this age when kids would start to worry about being gay? Could this be a source of anxiety? I'm also wondering if the so-called signs, e.g.sensitivity, hand flapping, indicate that he's gay or instead autistic or bullied or none of these things. No teacher has suggested to me that they think he is on the spectrum or has any mental problems. The dad said that if he was me, he would be VERY concerned about DS's mental state.

So, now I don't know how to support him and where to do from here. DS has friends out of school and there have never been any issues or arguments. I don't know whether DS is the problem or his friends. I feel that if he could wrench himself away from this group, the tears would stop and he would be happier. I've also seriously considered changing schools. He says he wants to leave. But what if the problem is actually DS? The same thing, or worse, could happen in another school. I'm at my wits end.

He ticks most of the boxes for aspergers, but so do I and many people I know.

The thing is, this could be because he gets his Aspergers traits from you, and you tend to hang around with people who are similar to you, rather than it meaning that he's not autistic. It sounds like it is an avenue that could be worth exploring. Sometimes things like autism only become apparent at the point of a major transition such as moving to secondary school, hitting puberty, or the stress of GCSEs.

On the other hand, he could just be a sensitive boy and his friends could be horrible. There are certainly groups of Y7 boys who are utterly vile to each other, disguising horrible comments as 'banter' and 'only messing around'. That they are persisting in calling him gay doesn't necessarily mean that he's gay, merely that they have found something that upsets him and are using it. In this scenario, breaking him away from the friendship group could cause short term pain, but in the long run be better for his mental health. You could ask the school about changing tutor groups or halves of the year and if they could think of anyone who might make a better friend to your DS. The school should be coming down hard on this bullying behaviour, but it can be quite hard to address when the victim thinks that the bullies are his friends.

If he is getting upset because he is gay, then it doesn't matter so much that you've taught tolerance, rather that his schoolmates are picking on it as something to take the piss out of. If someone is saying 'ha ha you're so gay' then it's going to be hard if a voice in your head is thinking 'maybe I am' and it's something you're confused over.

I think breaking away from the friendship group has to be the first move, and talk to the school about how best to achieve this.

I am worried that this is going to sound harsh-I don't mean it to, but I think you've minimised every example of your ds being treated badly by other kids. It reads like you've tried to find a reason to explain it all away- rough play, over sensitive, gay, but not in the way would define it, and I think he needs you to stand up for him a bit here.

So you have a sensitive lad that may have other stuff going on (sexuality, potentially undiagnosed aspergers) and he needs to know that you have his back.

Did you tell the other dad that you think it's crappy that his son doesn't stick up for him when your son sticks up for his son?

Did you tell his teacher that victim resilience isn't the answer to bullying?

It may be that these kids enjoy getting a rise out of your son and not giving them the satisfaction of tears and upset will help calm this down, but honestly, they shouldn't be reading him relentlessly and trying to get a rise out of him. I'd be pretty cross if that was going on with my son. Yes, I'd be talking to him about the whole don't give them the satisfaction thing, but it would be along side dealing with the issue. Mocking him for getting answers right in class? 'rough play'? Calling him names, all need dealing with.

I know my post is harsh-but you're his advocate here and I just wonder if he's not getting the vibe that you understand what it's like for him?

It all sounds very difficult and I am sorry if I'm wife of the mark. Poor kid-I just hope it gets sorted for him

Typo-reading him relentlessly should say teasing.

Ffs. And another. Wife of the mark.

Sorry!

I give up. Wide. Wide if the mark.

The transition to secondary school is really hard, and his friend might be shifting the blame to your son as he is feeling guilty about his role in teasing. You know your son much better than this boy's dad, and this suggestion - basically he is gay if he doesn't "man up" verges on the offensive. Masculinity can be a burden at times for some kids who feel they don't fit into the template - and this age is the hardest bit I think.

I agree with Julia that the most important thing you can do is simply to be completely on your son's side. Make sure he knows you are there for him to talk to. I agree that he should look to find a new friendship group. Do they have clubs at lunchtime that he could join?

Yes it's important to be resilient but you can't blame victims of bullying for feeling miserable and crying! The school hasn't really reacted appropriately to my mind. Good luck with this - it sounds like you're a great and caring mum and sure your son will get through this and find a peer group that is more suited to him.

I hope you told the other dad to fuck off.

He thinks your son is gay because he's sensitive?

I hope you reminded friends dad that your son sticks up for "the ginger one" when he's called that and gets no back up himself.

Explore the Aspergers but the teacher is right, that is bullying and it needs to be stopped now.

Tell your son to back off from these kids, they're not his friends.

Can he join any after school clubs? Football/swimming/gymnastics/sports /craft clubs?

The Year 7 transition is very challenging for lots of kids. Have you spoken to his Head of Year? I'd try to get a lot more support from school before thinking of changing.

I would change schools. My brother was bullied during all his secondary school and It affected his confidence, even now as an adult. I wish my mum would have changed schools for him.

Sorry I do not have anything constructive to say, but I'll soon be in this situation with my very much loved but overly sensitive DD, this is already happening to her and she is in year 4! She will be going to high school with some of said pupils in her class who already know what buttons to press with her to get a certain reaction, I fear for her a little. I've already had to give her the "Don't give them the satisfaction" talk.

DD is getting better and I hope she has settled a little by the time she starts high school, as I say she has improved, she no longer breaks down into tears nor screams and shouts at them, she has listened as much as she can to the "talk" and just to ignore them, I've had this conversation a million times to be where we are now.

Definitely 100% agree with doitto make sure he knows your standing right behind him always xx

Best wishes to you and your DS, hope life gets a little easier

Thank you all so much for your very helpful replies. I appreciate you taking the time to read such a long post (I didn't realise it was quite so long until I posted it).

I agree that I have been making excuses for the bullying behaviour. I suppose I didn't want to be the sort of parent who always believes her child is in the right without looking at it from all sides. But there is no doubt about it, I should see it for what it is.

I have told DS that the best thing would be to stay away from this group but he said that he is frightened of being alone and hasn't got any other friends. All of the boys he likes play football at break time and DS doesn't like it. He goes to lunchtime clubs three times a week but that still leaves morning breaks and two lunchtimes and the journey to and from school. The worst stuff happens on the train journey home (takes about half an hour). I have told the school that I want him to find other friends but they said the best way to do that is to join clubs. I asked if he could move form (his 'best friend' is in his form) but they said that wouldn't change anything. I told them that I think it would and they agreed to do it at the end of last term, but nothing has happened. Moving to the other half of the year wouldn't help because one of the other boys is on that side and, besides, DS doesn't want to change his teachers. I will, however, have a discussion with the school about how to break him away from this group.

Very interesting about Autism often becoming apparent at major transition points. I did notice that he was doing an awful lot of hand flapping during the first few weeks of joining the school. I will explore this now. Thank you.

Poor boy, he needs a break, can he go to homework club or something and get a later train? Or can anyone pick him up? My kid's secondary school allows kids who need it to hang out in the support centre at break times and they often make new friends that way too. He needs to break away from that group ASAP

Actually, what Julia and lovely said about victim resilience not being the answer to bullying is something that I'd never even considered but it is absolutely right. When I think about it, the school is almost putting the blame on DS.

I wish I had told the dad to fuck off fanny. I was in shock tbh. I didn't expect him to say all of those things. I agree that just because DS is sensitive does not necessarily mean he is gay. My dad has always been a sensitive man (he also doesn't like football and is very probably autistic!) and DH often cries at sad things on TV. DS does do lots of after school clubs and gets along very well with the other kids. There have never been any problems at any other clubs (well there was one, but every child and parent at the club complained about the child in question and he was asked to leave eventually).

I think you are all right and I should ask the school for more support with this. I don't want him to change schools because he likes his teachers and is otherwise happy there, but I do have concerns about him losing confidence User. I'm sorry to hear your DD is in the same situation Unicorn. I hope that her primary schools sorts this out before she moves up to secondary.

The problem is, as Noble said above, it can be difficult for the school to deal with this when DS regards the bullies as his friends. For that reason, he doesn't want to go to the 'safe' areas to hang out because he thinks that he'll have no friends at all if he leaves the group. The homework club could be worth a go though defineme, especially now with the lighter evenings. They've got a homework club from Mon-Thurs.

Change schools or insist that the school move him to a different form where his contact with his "friends" will be minimised. He needs breathing space away from them to give him the chance to make new friends and give him confidence that there are plenty (the majority) who won't bully him. Tinkering around the edges won't cut it - drastic action is needed today. (I know from experience of a miserable 5 years at my comp where I was bullied mercilessly daily which made me suicidal and meant I completely lost interest - the background being teachers and parents basically saying it was my fault for not being resilient!!).

It sounds to me like your son needs some self confidence and self esteem boosting.

He needs to be able to say to himself that these kids are shit friends. To know that friends do not behave like this-that bullies behave like this and he does not need to think of them as friends, because they most definitely are not friends because this is not how friends treat one another.

He will find like minded people to hang out with eventually. Until that happens you need to meet with his teachers. Follow up every bit of bullying. Show your son that you will not tolerate him being bullied.

And your son will hopefully get the message that it's ok to be sensitive. It's not ok to be bullied and that friends are nice people that look out for you and bring something positive to your life.

Talk to him. Make sure he knows that you love him and that you like him just the way he is. (I'm sure you do, but with all this going on he needs to hear it on repeat to drown out the bullies telling him otherwise)

Again and I hope he and you are ok. Damn stressful. I hate bullies.

I think the teachers and I have been guilty of making DS feel it is his fault for not being resilient, so thank you for making me realise just how damaging this can be badbadbunny. I'm so sorry to hear that you suffered so much.

I have told my son to stay away from the bullies because they aren't real friends Julia but he would rather have shit 'friends' than no friends. He said there's a girl at school who calls him a 'weirdo' and other names (she does it to all the boys apparently) and I asked him why he doesn't get upset when she insults him. He said it's because she isn't his friend so he doesn't care what she thinks but that it really hurts when his friends call him names and tease him because friends are meant to support each other.

A HUGE thank you for all the help and advice you've all given me. It has made me look at this very differently and given me the confidence to ask for the support my son needs. I will be contacting the head of year tomorrow to voice my concerns (one again).

Good luck lottie I'm glad to hear you've found your thread useful. I really hope you can get something sorted for him.

I think I am still in shock that the other Dad felt it was ok to spew his nonsense to you!!!

How did you get on today?

His form tutor sounds pretty approachable and isn't minimising your concerns, I'd be tempted to go back to them and let them know the bullying is ramping up and becoming homophobic (it doesn't matter if your DS is gay or not, the bullying comments are homophobic).

He sounds similar to my dd who has a diagnosis of Aspergers, she struggled a lot in year 7 but now in year 8 she is a different child, she had made friends with a group of children who are similar to her, she loves going to school and is doing great academically. Year 7 is a tough year, establishing themselves into the correct group of friends, making new friends and being the youngest again.

Just wanted to let you know that I sent DS's form tutor a long email today outlining all of my concerns. She responded very quickly and said that the head of year will get back to me soon. DS will be joining a new form tomorrow morning and was given a choice about which one he would. He will stay on the same side of the year because he does not want to change teachers. DS is absolutely delighted to be getting away from one of the bullies in his form. I haven't seen him looking so cheerful for ages and he's happily doing his homeworrk now which is encouraging because he'd lost all interest in anything school related. Fingers crossed, it will work out and won't be a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire!

I said that ideally I would like DS to find a new set of friends and asked if there is anything that they can do to assist this. I'm just hoping that I got the tone of the email right and didn't sound difficult and demanding. His teachers are lovely and I'm very pleased with the school, so I am hoping things work out and we don't have to look for another school.

I'm so pleased that your daughter is now happy Lovemusic. I am trying to remain optimistic that DS will find friends that he has something in common with. He's got plenty of friends at clubs out of school. Did your DD struggle with friendship issues in Yr 7 or were there other problems?

Dd struggled a lot with friendships, like your dd she was very sensitive and felt she was being bullied by several children, I emailed the school several times. Dd goes to a small school, she chose this school and decided not to go to the catchment school with her primary school friends so she was starting from scratch with friendships. Luckily this school does a lot to help children like her, they have room where children can go at break/lunch times if they are struggling to make friendships, she used this room a lot in year 7.
Within a few weeks starting in year 8 she changed completely, she has 5 or 6 good friends, one is a boy who is very similar to her. She loves school and couldn't wait to get back after the school holidays, she's a totally different child, she has learnt to avoid the people that upset her, we get the odd incident but she doesn't get as upset now she has friends who support her.