DS Yr7 still having problems at school - should I change?

[lottielo]

Sorry about the long post. Have posted about this before but some new info in para 2.

Very worried about DS since he started in Year 7. His behaviour has changed a lot and he has lost interest in a lot of the hobbies he used to enjoy, as well as being very bad tempered and rude at home. Two weeks after he started, his form tutor said that she was worried about him. I told her that he says that he is being bullied but I thought that he was just being over sensitive when being teased. She explained that bullying can be teasing, name calling, running away etc, all things that DS mentioned. She was very helpful and arranged for him to meet weekly with someone from ESBAS to build up his resilience. DS didn't have any problems at primary school, there were the usual arguments and disagreements every now and then, but it wasn't an issue. Since starting at the large comprehensive, the kids from his old school have stuck together and a couple of them joined DS and his 'best friend' . DS says that this new group teases him relentlessly until he cries and then mocks him for being upset. DS likes learning, but when he answers questions in class, they say he is showing off. There has been a bit of pushing around, but nothing very physical and I think it might have been 'rough play'. They call him lots of names, including 'gay', although that they all do that and I don't think they mean it in the way we would define it. Thing is, DS keeps hanging around with this group because he said that he is frightened of being alone. What hurts him most is that his 'best friend' never stands up for him even though DS always defends his friend when others call him 'the ginger kid'. I had hoped that things would settle down, but it seems to be getting worse. Teachers have had to intervene much more frequently when DS gets upset in class. The school hasn't been in touch with me since about any of this, but I contacted his form tutor and said that I'm wondering whether DS could be on the spectrum (albeit mildly). He ticks most of the boxes for aspergers, but so do I and many people I know. I'm looking for strategies rather than labels, but also don't want to waste anyone's time. Teacher suggested visit to GP, but I feel a bit silly taking him for a consultation just because he cries when people make fun of him. He seems perfectly 'normal', articulate and very sociable and chatty with good eye contact. He was doing a lot of hand flapping at the start of the year, but this has settled down.

Today, his best friend's dad had a conversation with me and said that DS is not being bullied and the problem is that he is over sensitive and cries constantly. He said that unless he gets that behaviour under control, he will be increasingly bullied. He said his son says that DS misunderstands situations and blames DS for the disagreements (although just last week his son spent 20 minutes being told off by a teacher who witnessed an incident). One of the reasons the dad believes DS is so upset and angry is that he thinks DS shows clear signs of being gay and is trying to adjust himself mentally to a future life as a gay man. Now, I think that DS could be gay and I'm fussed either way. However, I'm wondering why DS would be so upset and angry because we have made it clear to all our children that their sexuality is of no concern to us and we will love them the same whatever. We do not tolerate homophobic language at home. Is it at around this age when kids would start to worry about being gay? Could this be a source of anxiety? I'm also wondering if the so-called signs, e.g.sensitivity, hand flapping, indicate that he's gay or instead autistic or bullied or none of these things. No teacher has suggested to me that they think he is on the spectrum or has any mental problems. The dad said that if he was me, he would be VERY concerned about DS's mental state.

So, now I don't know how to support him and where to do from here. DS has friends out of school and there have never been any issues or arguments. I don't know whether DS is the problem or his friends. I feel that if he could wrench himself away from this group, the tears would stop and he would be happier. I've also seriously considered changing schools. He says he wants to leave. But what if the problem is actually DS? The same thing, or worse, could happen in another school. I'm at my wits end.

Brilliant that it all worked out for your Dd Lovemusic after a difficult start. It probably helps being in a small school. Ds goes to a very large comprehensive and he just seems completely lost. The school tries to hard to monitor behaviour at break times but it is almost impossible with there being so many children. Unfortunately, a lot of the bullying my ds is experiencing takes place on the journey to and from school. I think that Ds could cope with almost anything at school if he had friends supporting him like your Dd does.

Luckily this school does a lot to help children like her, they have room where children can go at break/lunch times if they are struggling to make friendships, she used this room a lot in year 7.

God, I wish more schools would do this. It would have made a massive difference to me when I was at school as I hated breaks and lunchtimes and usually spent the entire time trying to hide in a corner somewhere. Then some sod of a teacher would come along and move me on even though I was doing no harm to anyone.

Same with my son. His school have a chaplaincy room which is used as the "safe" room by a lot of pupils, as it is in a far corner of the main building and doesn't have a window in the door, so few people walking past and few would open the door just for noseyness. The teachers and SN staff tend to recommend it to pupils who are having problems, but it's not officially for that reason. But some teachers just havn't "read the memo" and will move them out! Luckily, my son is long past having to go there, but it was very helpful to him when he first started at school and on a couple of occasions since then when he has had minor issues with other kids - just a few break-times out of the picture can break any nasty habits forming!

This is the main reason why we sent her there (small school and a lot in place to help children who struggle socially ), she no longer uses the room at break times but she rarely goes outside, she has her group of friends and often spends lunch in the library or ICT rooms. I was aprahensive sending her to a different school than her primary school friends (though she only really had one friend) but it has been the best thing for her and she has changed so much. I love hearing her upstairs sykping her friends in the evenings, laughing and joking with them (something I thought she would never do).
I thought that she would be bullied where ever we sent her, we moved her half way through primary school due to bullying, she still had problems at her new school. She does get bullied from time to time at her high school but the school deal with it and she knows how to avoid people she doesn't like.

Your poor son. I hope this looks like it is on its way to being resolved. Having lived through my comprehensive years the victim of bullying I can really understand what your son is going through. It's so sad to hear that in this day and age a boy being blamed for his own bullying because he is too sensitive.
I think if it were me I would give this a limited amount of time to be resolved before I looked around for a school that might be less intimidating, perhaps a smaller comprehensive or even just a fresh start with no baggage might help.