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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

14 year old at school saying she is married: what would you do?

72 replies

Nicola63 · 28/02/2007 12:13

My stepdaughter is in Year 9, and she came home with a tale the other day that leaves me worried and confused as to whether I should be doing something.

A girl in her class (whom I believe comes from Azerbeijan) has been telling the other girls that she got married during the half-term break, to a man in his 30's. The other girls then reportedly teased her along the lines of "how are you going to be able to do your school work when you are going to be popping out babies?", to which she apparantly replies that her husband is rich and will employ nannies. My stepdaughter specifically asked her about the wedding and whether she had a nice dress for it, to which she replied that she did.

Obviously this worries me deeply. On so many levels. I am of course worried for the girl herself. Is she being forced into something? Or is she making up stories for some reason? If so, why? But I am also worried about the message it is giving to my stepdaughter and the other girls. Of course she cannot really be married at 14, but what does she really mean? And what are the other girls making of such a statement? My stepdaughter seemed to just accept that such a situation may be normal in other cultures and so didn't question it much: she told it to me more as a point of interest rather than a concern. I was horrified by this. When I started going on about child abuse and women's rights she looked completely baffled and said "whatever". To let this girl continue to say she is married and to let the other girls think that this is somehow aceptable and normal is to my mind totally unacceptable.

What would others do? Should I be contacting someone at the school? Or is this none of my business? Should I assume that the school already knows all about this girl's situation (it is a very small private school which sems to pride itself on knowing all the girls individually, so should I just keep my nose out?)

OP posts:

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 15:26

ah yes, sarcasm the lowest form of wit and all that

LucyLampLady · 04/03/2007 15:51

I remember when I was at (all girls) school many years ago, our class was joined by a recently married Iranian girl. I think we were all about 14 or 15, she was about a year older (hence the marriage was legal, but only just!) She was a lovely, friendly girl and we all got on very well despite the cultural differences (the town had hardly any ethnic minorities at that time.) She even joined in with all the teenage gossip - who is going out with who...etc. I remember a group of us being invited for a meal at her house, when she served up some superb Middle Eastern cuisine and we all felt mightily impressed and very grown up! However, sadly her husband "divorced" her after about a year or so. To this day, I've no idea why! He probably simply grew tired of her, who knows? Anyway, the head teacher (a nun!!!) called us all together and gently explained the situation to us, and we all felt desperately sorry for our friend. She was heartbroken but I hope she found some comfort in our support. It was a lesson in life for all of us .

nearlythree · 04/03/2007 15:58

This thread has really bothered me. Totally agree with Edam - if this girl wasn't from a different country everyone would be up in arms about a 30 yr old being in a relationship with a child and demanding he was on the sex offenders' register. So what is the difference?

yellowrose · 04/03/2007 17:30

Nearly3 - NO.

You are missing the point. The question is not one of nationality, it is one of making assumptions, accusations, etc, based on very few facts (if they are facts at all).

Nicola's daughter has simply heard something that may or may not be true.

If you are happy to report the girl on that basis, fine.

We are all entitled to our opinions here.

Gangle · 04/03/2007 17:55

shocked that yellowrose wouldn't report anything unless she was was "convinced" abuse was involved! What kind of evidence do you want before you say something? The risks of not doing anything greatly outweigh the possible embarrassment of saying something and being wrong.

prufrock · 04/03/2007 18:01

"Reporting" something doesn't mean putting the pair of them in jail fgs - it's just a case of bringing a situation that possibly needs professional attention to the attention of those professionals.

nearlythree · 04/03/2007 19:50

I agree, Gangle.

yellowrose · 04/03/2007 21:22

It is not black and white. If it is for you then fine. I don't care whether you are shocked or not.

In the situation described, with so few facts, I would not get involved. I would get my daugher to ask her more questions in a diplomatic way, alternatively may be invite her to a party or some other social occassion where one could find out more. They are 14, not toddlers.

If I had more evidence and believed that the girl was being subjugated and abused I would not hesitate to protect her.

shimmy21 · 04/03/2007 21:34

I think people get a bit hung up on political correctness when other cultures are involved.

But ask yourself yellow rose, would you report it to the school if a British born kid was said to be illegally married to a presumably older man at 14? I hope so.

Why just becuase this girl is from a different culture should there be more 'sensitivity'?

And yes I'd report it because even if it's all a big lie the school would want to know if that kind of story was being spread around.

Original poster

Nicola63 · 05/03/2007 07:50

Yellowrose, that is exactly what I did, I asked dsd to try and find out a bit more very diplomatically, including whether the girl is over 16. That's when I got the further info that she is living with the "husband", and also found out that she is definitely not 16 yet.

Zippi, it very much occurs to me, probably because I am a mental helath professional and work in the child protection field, and am involved daily with cases of child sexual abuse, sometimes where people have done nothing about it for a long time, even though they knew about it, and thereby caused untold harm

OP posts:

yellowrose · 05/03/2007 07:53

Shimmy - you like others on this thread are making assumptions about me and my so called politcal correctness. I would have made the same comments were the girl from Outer Mongolia, Estonia or the UK.

True, I abhor racial prejudice of any kind and have consistently said so on this website and elsewhere. That doesn't make me PC.

Please THINK before you make assertions about me or anyone else.

yellowrose · 05/03/2007 07:55

Ok, Nicola, that's fine. I am glad you have asked further questions.

wheresthehamster · 07/03/2007 09:02

i don't know

wheresthehamster · 07/03/2007 09:02

i don't know

morningpaper · 07/03/2007 09:10

If she is living with a man as husband and wife then that would worry me - but the rest wouldn't really. I would probably mention it in passing to the teacher and let them deal with it, if they thought it appropriate - I'm sure they know the girl well.

Original poster

Nicola63 · 09/03/2007 11:02

Well I did contact the school and was phoned back by the teacher who is head of pastoral care at school, who was able to set my mind at ease very quickly. It was the girl's SISTER, who is in her mid-20's, who got married, not her, she has just been telling stories to my dsd. The teacher says that she will have picked my dsd to tell the stories to because she is new and does not know the real story, as the other girls apparantly do.

The teacher characterised the stories as "teenage optimism", and told me that this girl will eventually have an arranged marriage, as did her sister, but he has spoken in detail to the family and this will not be until she is twenty-six or so. there is absolutely no question of her being married now or living with the man.

I have not yet fed this info back to dsd, I think when I do she may feel a little silly at having been wound up by this girl. Her dad and I will discuss it with her soon (she has a friend staying the weekend so we will probably do it next week when we are alone).

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 09/03/2007 11:05

interesting outcome...thank you for posting

amazed that teenage girls fantasise so much!

nearlythree · 09/03/2007 11:14

I had a similar thing happen to me at school - I bumped into a girl who'd been expelled for persitent truanting and she was pushing a pram - she said that the baby was hers. Some months later I met another girl who went to her new school and she'd spun the same tale there, to the extent her classmates even clubbed together to get the 'baby' a present. The poor girl was deeply unhappy (she'd lost her dad) and was desperately seeking attention. I'd emphasise to your dsd that this girl is obviously troubled and jealous of her big sister etc., and say that such people are often very convincing - this should make her feel less silly.

MummyPenguin · 09/03/2007 12:06

I'm not surprised the outcome was something like that. Oh well, at least you don't have to worry any more.

ravenAK · 10/03/2007 00:34

Story in TES this week re: forced marriage.

stitch · 10/03/2007 11:16

wasnt the law in scotland that6 you couldget married at 14 without your parents consent? which was wyh the english all eloped to gretna green?

MrsApron · 10/03/2007 11:27

nope 16 without parental consent. Not sure of english law but i think it might have been 18 before parental consent was not required.

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