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Original poster

14 year old at school saying she is married: what would you do?

72 replies

Nicola63 · 28/02/2007 12:13

Hi

My stepdaughter is in Year 9, and she came home with a tale the other day that leaves me worried and confused as to whether I should be doing something.

A girl in her class (whom I believe comes from Azerbeijan) has been telling the other girls that she got married during the half-term break, to a man in his 30's. The other girls then reportedly teased her along the lines of "how are you going to be able to do your school work when you are going to be popping out babies?", to which she apparantly replies that her husband is rich and will employ nannies. My stepdaughter specifically asked her about the wedding and whether she had a nice dress for it, to which she replied that she did.

Obviously this worries me deeply. On so many levels. I am of course worried for the girl herself. Is she being forced into something? Or is she making up stories for some reason? If so, why? But I am also worried about the message it is giving to my stepdaughter and the other girls. Of course she cannot really be married at 14, but what does she really mean? And what are the other girls making of such a statement? My stepdaughter seemed to just accept that such a situation may be normal in other cultures and so didn't question it much: she told it to me more as a point of interest rather than a concern. I was horrified by this. When I started going on about child abuse and women's rights she looked completely baffled and said "whatever". To let this girl continue to say she is married and to let the other girls think that this is somehow aceptable and normal is to my mind totally unacceptable.

What would others do? Should I be contacting someone at the school? Or is this none of my business? Should I assume that the school already knows all about this girl's situation (it is a very small private school which sems to pride itself on knowing all the girls individually, so should I just keep my nose out?)

OP posts:
yellowrose · 03/03/2007 08:42

hercules - I said one may be assuming too much.

Would you report every teenager under the age of 16 whom you knew was having sex with an older man/woman ?

I had friends at school who were having frequent sex at that age. I didn't report them then and wouldn't do it now.

You only think it is a human rights issue because she comes from a culture which we assume is repressive.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 08:45

Would I report every 14 year old who I knew was having sex with an older man or woman? Of course I would. I have to.

I know it's a human rights issue because the girl is under age. It's illegal for her to be married and to have sex. What has that got to do with culture??

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 08:45

Please dont tell me what I am saying

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 08:45

I am not saying don't report Nicola, it's your call, not mine. I just don't like the assumptions being made. Perhaps find out more about the facts first.

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 08:47

I wasn't telling you what you are saying.

I was questioning your assumption that it is a human rights issue in every case.

edam · 03/03/2007 08:49

Yellowrose, it is illegal in this country for a girl to be married under the age of 16 or for a man to have sex with a girl aged under 16. That's the issue here - it's child protection. Nothing to do with what anybody thinks about 'culture'.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 08:50

oh, sorry, just what I was thinking!

prufrock · 03/03/2007 08:54

ERm, yes yellowrose I would. (And I speak as someone who did have a relationship with a 32 year old when I was 16, which I know now to have been not very good for me). Of course there is a difference if it's underage sex between 2 teenagers (where I would ensure all concerned were using contraception). But if I knew that a 15 year old was having a sexual realtionship with somebody in there 30's I would be very concerned and would somehow ensure that responsible adults who could help the child were informed.

Nicola - I think you could just mention it to your sd's teacher, say that she has told you and you thought the teacher should know because it seems to be causing some gossip amongst te other girls

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 08:54

I am fully aware of the law. Please don't quote it at me.

I don't promote illegal sex or marriage. I am questioning whether people would report a girl having underage sex in EVERY situation. If the answer is yes, then fine.

Did you report all the girls/boys who were having underage sex when you were at school ?

edam · 03/03/2007 08:56

There weren't any when I was at at school. And if someone had been in a relationship with an adult, then yes, I would have been concerned and probably told my mother.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 08:57

I'm not a teenager, nor is the OP. Not sure what you mean about reporting it my friends.

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 08:58

There were loads of them at my school, both boys and girls. Private schools, rich kids.

Some were having sex with much older men/women. I would never have dreamed of reporting them.

My personal view.

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 09:00

No, I am not a teenager either. If DS comes and tells me one of his friends is having sex at that age, I would still not report it unless I was convinced abuse is involved.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 09:03

The thing is it's not really your call to make or investigate. As a teacher I have to report it to our child protection person. They then have to decide what to do. It may mean having a chat with those concerned, reporting it to higher authorities, involving police, social servies, child protection team (sorry, cant remember new name).

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 09:04

I guess we have differing views on underage sex.

edam · 03/03/2007 09:06

Difference is, you were a teenager at the time, and it was your peer group. Adults have a responsibility to protect children.

edam · 03/03/2007 09:08

And it's not just teenage sex, it's about adults putting a child in a position where they may be pushed into having sex. Possibly, the OP doesn't know, which is why it should be reported to someone who can find out whether it's OK or not.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 09:08

Agree with Edam totally.

edam · 03/03/2007 09:11

Why, thank you Hercules, if only everybody felt the same way about all my posts the world would be a better place. MN would be a lot more boring, obviously, but a small price to play for world peace and harmony.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 09:15

I'd have to search for your name first, check out your views on such things like weaning, breastfeeding, smacking etc before being able to commit myself to agreeing with anything you may think or have said on mumsnet other than this actual thread upon which we are typing!

zippitippitoes · 03/03/2007 09:20

I must add that i wouldn't interfere myself in this situation asit's described..I don't think it would occur tome

the ops dd seemed to talk about it in an unbothered sort of way so i think i would react similarly unless a crisis seemed to be unfolding

colditz · 03/03/2007 09:28

I would give the school a ring and mention what has been said and in what context.

Culture be damned. It's illegal. BUT it could be a savvy 14 year old having a laugh at ignorant schoolmate's expence, and that seems just as likely.

yellowrose · 03/03/2007 09:35

world peace and harmony - oh for feck sake ????!!!!

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 09:36

It was a joke!

edam · 03/03/2007 14:17

Yes, it was a joke, at my own expense...

LOL at Hercules - natural born lawyer, if you ask me.