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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

11yr old ds in tears over summer school.

81 replies

kissmethere · 22/07/2016 11:38

Ds's new secondary school have sent an email to invite him to 5 half days. He will be starting in September. This will take place in August.
He is flat out refusing and I do feel for him. They have liaised with his primary school and he has been part of groups throughout his primary school life for additional support which has done him the world of good.
I need to respond today to confirm his place but I feel like it's causing him so much upset at the thought of it I'm tempted to say no although I think he needs to do it. He's currently under cahms as last year he was so down about the pressure of year 6 he wasn't sleeping and was in tears every night.
It sounds very casual with activities revolving around maths and literacy. Lunch provided, no charge.
What do I do?

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Original poster

kissmethere · 22/07/2016 15:56

This is day 3?of the holidays so yes more school did not go down well. Plus we're getting through a heatwave. It's not been easy in yr6. I just want him to have every chance without making him miserable.

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chloesmumtoo · 22/07/2016 16:23

Fingers crossed for him. My dd did a summer school thing with her school years ago and loved every minute of it. Made loads of new friends from different primary schools and proved very useful! I think they were grouped up with their new tutor groups. Some she met that day are her better friends still today

antiqueroadhoe · 24/07/2016 11:59

Going in for the first day is a huge step. Good for him.

Could you speak to one of the teachers running it (privately) to say he's feeling worried and anything they can do in terms of helping him forge a pal who can be his partner in a game the following day would be great.

Peer pressure and the desire to be part of the group is a lot stronger than mum!

And do your best to look totally casual and relaxed about the whole thing- any flicker of anxiety on your part will make him panic a lot more.

Original poster

kissmethere · 24/07/2016 16:47

I will definitely speak to someone about how he reacted the other day. I'm so proud of him. My sister is going to visit family in another country and normally he'd go with her and he's explained it all to her and she'll spend time with us when she gets back.
I just found out his friends who are going to other schools have been given work to do over the holidays so he's not alone in preparing for yr7.

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Original poster

kissmethere · 01/08/2016 16:31

Just an update. Ds went this morning and all was well. He didn't enjoy it very much and is saying he wants to leave it at just today. I'm very proud of him to have even gone today and I'm trying to encourage again to take each day as it comes and try to go again tomorrow. They did some work and the. More casual activities in the last hour.

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tribpot · 01/08/2016 16:35

It's great that he gave it a go. I always say to my ds it's fine to decide something isn't for you, but only after you've tried it.

roundandroundthehouses · 01/08/2016 16:45

Well done that boy :) (I have a teenage dd with anxiety who would have been similar at that age.) I'm sure you're praising him to the skies. TBH I believe there are some circumstances where bribery can be very useful. Provided, of course, he isn't in a full-on panic attack at the thought of tomorrow, might he be receptive to that?

Original poster

kissmethere · 01/08/2016 17:36

I've considered bribery he is adamant he's not going tomorrow. I'm keeping the conversation calm and he really doesn't want to go. DH just came in and said he wouldn't have given him the choice So I told him he wasn't there with the tears and saw how upset he was and would he still really have forced him to go if he dealt with what I dealt with? It's summer holidays, I wish he would go, it's different to a normal school day etc but what can I do? I'll have to email them to explain that I'm sorry he won't be there

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Original poster

kissmethere · 01/08/2016 17:37

Thanks for all your messages.

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SilverDragonfly1 · 01/08/2016 18:05

I think that he's tried it, so if he now wants to stop that's okay. If you keep trying to push him, he's going to stop believing you when you say he only has to try similar things in the future and be even more resistant to anything he perceives as extra school. If you say now 'Fair enough, it's great that you tried it before deciding it wasn't for you' then later on when it's something more important he'll be far more trusting of your advice to try/continue it.

Original poster

kissmethere · 01/08/2016 18:19

True SilverDraonfly1. He says I'm making him feel bad but I said I understand and I don't want them to feel bad. I commended him for even going today and he stuck to his word of last week.

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tribpot · 01/08/2016 18:25

I hope the summer school didn't have to turn someone else down so he could take the place - they may be somewhat reproachful if so. But I think you explained about his special needs and the social difficulties?

I agree with SilverDragonfly. You made a deal and he kept his end of it.

Original poster

kissmethere · 01/08/2016 23:14

No I don't think anyone was turned away. Ds said people were called in the register who weren't there, that didn't help. I will also express my appreciation to the head of year for putting this all in place.

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SilverDragonfly1 · 02/08/2016 06:40

I think you've made the right decision :) He deserves to have his opinion respected after holding up his end of the agreement and hopefully in the future when it's about voluntary revision sessions for exams or after school clubs he will feel able to be more open to giving it a try.

Original poster

kissmethere · 02/08/2016 09:00

I've emailed and called this morning but can't get on of them but I'll try again. Thanks for all the support. It's the "summer school" that he is opposed to. I've asked them to call me to discuss it and told them I appreciate that he was give opportunity. This will not be my attitude to school in general of course. I feel terrible but I hope they understand.

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SilverDragonfly1 · 02/08/2016 10:42

It's really obvious that it wouldn't be your attitude to school in general so don't worry about that

If other people haven't showed, it's not going to be a huge surprise to the school and I'm sure it won't reflect on him or you- especially as he did try it and you have been so quick to contact and explain.

Don't feel terrible, neither of you have done anything remotely 'wrong' and wouldn't have even if you'd just cancelled at the outset.

HSMMaCM · 03/08/2016 08:39

Congratulations to both of you for giving the first day a try. I know how difficult it is to get an anxious teen to try something new.

Original poster

kissmethere · 03/08/2016 10:50

News now is that he is considering going again tomorrow and Friday. Fingers crossed. I said I think that would be brilliant and would be good impression on him that he's reconsidered. Here's hoping.

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tribpot · 03/08/2016 11:29

Oh that's good news.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/08/2016 16:22

Great news!

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/08/2016 16:32

This is just my opinion here , hes only a kid once summer holidays are for fun i dont agree with kids doing 'schoolwork' during school holidays they learn more life lessons by playing and having time with their family , if he was my child i wouldnt make him go if he doesnt want to , just my opinion , only you can decide whats best for your child

Scarydinosaurs · 03/08/2016 16:56

mymouth the school have done it to help him make friends at his secondary school, something that is really important. Especially given the background at primary school. It isn't to make him do more work, but make him feel happier about starting in September.

Original poster

kissmethere · 05/08/2016 09:43

So he's gone there this morning he didn't go yesterday. I'm very proud of him and they were very pleased to see him. I hope he has a good day. They commended him for coming back. Of course I wish he had gone the whole week but at least he's given it another go. Thanks everyone for getting me through tho is with all your advice.
A doctor from cahms called yesterday to offer some parent sessions for just me as he wasn't engaging in the last sessions he was so I'm so grateful for that. Hopefully it will help me to help him.
Thanks so much again.

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PacificDogwod · 05/08/2016 09:53

kiss

This is so hard - knowing he's not in a happy place and being somewhat powerless to make it all go away.
You and him are doing so well

I hope it will be a positive experience in the long term and he can see the benefits of it, even if it may only be in hindsight.

Original poster

kissmethere · 05/08/2016 10:40

PacificDogwod thank you so much. We all want our kids to be happy. That's all I want for him. To embrace new things also and be more optimistic. We do all we can don't we?

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