Ds doing poorly at independent school - move to state?

[SeptemberFear]

Please don't flame me for this - I am trying to think through all our options and do the best for ds, but I also need to be a bit pragmatic!

Ds has just left year 8 in an academically-selective independent school. His end of year report is pretty bad. He is in the bottom fifth of the year for 'effort' and has had many detentions this year for not handing in homework, being late to class etc. His end of year exams were also fairly dire - clearly he hadn't done enough revision etc.

However, he enjoys school, has loads of friends and - academic achievement notwithstanding - is by all accounts a very popular and well-liked kid by staff and peers. His reports all say that his poor results are down to lack of application and effort rather than inherent lack of ability iyswim. He's not bothered, basically.

He is there on a bursary which, although pretty generous, still means I have to find several hundred pounds a month which is very difficult. I am a single parent on a very moderate income and ds's dad no longer contributes to school fees (he did when ds started there but not any more, long story, different thread!) I feel awful saying this but I am starting to begrudge paying all that money every month when ds is clearly not bothering atm.

Part of me thinks I should bite the bullet and move him. Another part of me thinks that if he's naturally lazy (like I was at school, to be fair!) then moving away from small class sizes/a more competitive environment etc won't help. I also don't want to send him the wrong message - like he's not 'worth' paying out for if we're not getting a 'return' (although in my darker, private moments I'll admit that's how I'm starting to feel!) And on another hand altogether maybe he's just slower to mature than some of the other boys in his year and it's not quite 'clicked' with him yet?

I love my ds to pieces, he is genuinely a lovely boy with lots of potential (imo!) and just want the best for him. He is like I was at the same age, basically, just can't really be arsed.

I wanted him to have a shot at a great education in a great school, but I wonder whether I've got my priorities wrong? Should I take him out and stop worrying, let him get on with it and at least be able to pay for extra-curricular stuff etc? Or, should I just keep him at the school he clearly loves, carry on encouraging/pushing him to make more effort and hope for the best?

Any advice would be really welcome.

Being happy at school is worth a lot.

My DP went to a private school and got on really badly. basically his parents were from fairly lowly backgrounds but had come into a lot of money and put him and his brothers through private school, however they were surrounded by people there who were on a different plane altogether. My DP didn't get much parental support educationally (parents both left school before 16) and always felt inferior. He is very capable but not academic and I think if he'd gone to a normal school he would have fitted in and been one of the better students, and therefore might have done bettter? Now he just thinks he's thick - even though he eventually got a 2.1 from a good uni.

I guess what I am saying is that parental support is more important than school as it can overcome shortcomings of the school. The other way round probably isn't possible.

If you can afford it please don't change his school.
Sounds like he needs to be shown how to organise himself and from personal experience (grrr!) this will be a daily thing to add to your to-do list for a long time. DS (middle of the DDs) was exactly the same. Popular with teachers and pupils alike but teachers despaired of him not completing work etc. Drove me nuts!
I spent from Y8 till he left school making sure he had time to work, provided him with food and drinks etc all the time thinking 'well I've done the best I can for you but once you've done your final exams you're on your own'. He scraped through A-levels and got a place at a good Univ solely because he was a good rugby player and at Univ he realised he had to sort himself out. And finally: he got his physics degree.

OP, do you ask your DS to do any housework? It would be great if he contribute to daily clean, preparing meals etc with you. I think this will makes him more a responsible person and appreciate your hard work more. Also, it can free you some time and energy.

Agree that I don't think moving him to another school, at this stage, would solve this problem - it could even make it worse! Although there are some state schools that insist on homework being done (dcs being one of them) there are others where not doing homework is the norm.
We did have a few problems with homework when dc was aged 13. The school did however have an after-school where pupils can stay and receive help (from staff) if needed so this meant that it wasn't just down to the parents and this was very useful. For GCSEs though the situation improved and dd seemed to be much clearer about what the homework was and the standards expected.

Could you apply for a state school place anyway? I do like to have a firm back up plan. All this is a bit moot if there isn't actually anywhere to move him to and it might be months, terms or years before a place becomes available.

Does he get a bursary based on his academic level, like a scholarship, where his lack of "success" could affect it? Or will he get the same level of bursary every year dependent on your earnings with nothing to do with his results/ effort/ attitude?

There are some great ways to cover the ks3 curriculum in science to get him up to speed and get. A good grounding, most of them are hands on. Get him experimenting and figure out why. Go onpintrest, type in the bit you want to work on and do each and every experiment. Once he realise sit is fun he will fly. They learn more when they are enjoying it. We managed to cover the bulk of the main idea in just a term, so he has loads of time to catch up.

With maths, start easy for confidence and check out any gamification maths apps for his level.

Some children 'get' how to organize themselves, some need to be taught how to do it. My very bright eldest was in a complete mess at school until I showed her how to check the homework timetable, prioritise the urgent things, the ones that take the most time, set aside time to do them, supervised her initially doing the work.

I don't do that now, but like someone else said, if the main issue is lack of organization and effort, then I would up the supervision at home as a condition of staying on at that school.

He may easily get discouraged, or he may think, in a bizarre way, he's not a high achiever there, so better have that blamed on being lazy than lack of ability- he may be a bit scared to try and fail!

Take this choice away from him, for the next few weeks of the coming term, he has to sit down with you, go through his homework planner, and complete homework on day it is given, before any online time.

He will very soon want to get out of your grasp and will do better at knuckling down, although he may always lack a bit of motivation.

my niece had similar issues at independent school she is at. Before moving her my SIL found an educational psychologist and had her dd tested

Niece was diagnosed with ADD and now they know how to help her to be better organised with her GCSE work in year 9 she just finished

school wasn't very understanding but they had to accept this statement from psychologist

Hi OP I was going to say, my ds is dyspraxic and it turns out I am too (only found out after ds was diagnosed). I was hopelessly disorganised, always forgot something and ds is the same, plus the cognitive effort of coming across as 'normal' meant I was knackered and therefore wanted to veg at the end of the day (still do!!). Ds is younger but I prepared his timetable with colour coding for where his classrooms were as he used to really worry about which class he needed to get to as he'd forget. He still forgets things and I'm pretty useless myself. Not saying your ds has necessarily got the same issues but may be worth checking there isn't something else going on - if he's as well behaved as he sounds it could be something else that is stopping him from achieving as well as he could.

Does the school not have after-school prep time? Some schools do have this. Supervised prep would obviously suit him best!

I would keep an eye on the bursary situation. I know MN thinks all independent schools are awash with money for bursaries, but at some schools, the fees for the other parents are higher to help raise bursary money. Not all schools have massive endowments, but yours might of course. If nothing else works, he may need to know that others, who may be really struggling to afford it and are just scraping together the full fees, are doing so in order that he can have the benefit of a place at the school. Perhaps thinking about how his actions affect others might be a good lesson to learn.

As others have said, Y7 a / Y8 is tricky. DD was similar. She had more 'behaviour points' than anyone in the school as a Y7 ( all for being disorganised. Y8 wasn't much better. We didn't get involved and let her / the school muddle through and work it out. By year 9 she was in top set for everything and had worked out how to be more organised.

I work fulltime, am on my own, I can't spend every moment over him checking he's done what he needs to do...

That's not likely to change in a new school, is it? If he needs support, he will regardless of where he is. And you're not going to let him fail just because you're no longer paying, are you?
I wouldn't move him.

hi
in exacly the same position ds is in y8 going into y9 . his end of year exam results were dire clearly he hadnt revised. i was fuming as like yourself am paying the fees on my own and i moved out of london to fund his place at school.

screaming gets me nowhere have told him that i do not want to see results like this again . he too is on a generous bursary. he basically is totally able just cant be bothered !!!though to be honest pulling him out isnt an option , i think he'd just go downhill hoping his gonna turn it around next year or ill just nag him to death .... i think its just teenage boys arghhhhhh

My son was really struugling with Science. He has found Tassomai very helpful for sciences. Your son could do the Core sciences course from September. Only 15 minutes a day. www.tassomai.com/

What will bottom 20% of his cohort amount to in terms of GCSE and A level results? I suspect pretty good grades. You have mentioned he is one of the younger ones in the year. I def would not be making him feel insecure about sending him there, especially as he is happy - that counts for a lot. I don't see how moving him from a school he likes with small classes, his friends, known teachers and good results to an unknown environment, without his friends, larger classes and (perhaps) less good results will help him. I would give him a big hug and talk to him about what might help him to improve - you helping get him organised at home etc.

He's an arts person, clearly, I wouldn't worry too much about the maths and science - so long as he scrapes through GCSE he'll never have to do those subjects again and if he's at one of the schools I suspect he will scrape. He is very young, he has time to learn to apply himself better, he is happy, I would definitely keep him there, esp if the school isn't overly fussed.

fairenuff has it spot on. Don't hang over him and have endless nags. Tell him what you want, give him a timeframe and let him come up with the goods. You're aiming for maximum work output from him with minimal (but constant and routine) intervention from you.