What benefit would private education give my DD?

[Dotty342kids]

Hello,

I have two children. Both always been in state education, eldest finishing Yr 8 in good local secondary atm.
DD is just finishing Yr 6 and SATs results confirm what we've always known - that she is very bright and loves learning. (This isn't a stealth boast post - please don't flame me )
She's heading to the same local secondary as her brother, which also has an excellent sixth form. I have no doubts that when she's old enough, she'll want to go to Uni.
DH was asking yesterday if we should consider private education for her, as we suspect she'd thrive in a really academic environment and she's always expressed a desire to go. We do not have the money easily available, she'd have to get some sort of bursary and we'd have to scrimp, save and make sacrifices to cover the rest.
DS has never shown an interest in private school and makes it very clear he'd hate to go!
So my question really, is if your child is in private education - what do you feel it gives them that they wouldn't get if they're academically motivated and in a good state secondary? We couldn't necessarily afford the extra curricular / trips etc that would be on offer at the private school, which I know are one of the obvious things that are different to the state sector.

Looking forward to seeing your responses

Although my DDs were privately educated, they absolutely get along with people from a range of cultures, backgrounds and intellect. Being privately educated really does not mean that, as an adult, you are only comfortable in your own tribe, but I really do believe there are exclusive tribes at independent schools. You only have to look at Boris Johndson types to spot the tribe! Most people, however, do turn out to be normal, rounded human beings. Minor private schools are very non tribal. Boarding schools are different, and the girls do help each other. If a school does not have old girls involved, I would ask why not? Did no past pupil ever achieve anything or be able to help others with work placements or mentoring?

I have found that when my DD went to a certain university near the top of the highest percentage of private school student tables, she felt it was the state school educated pupils who refused to integrate. They chose different halls of residence, the more expensive ones, and found mixing with a range of students to be problematic, preferring to seek out people like them and not go to certain events where there were likely to be insufficient numbers of their type of student. Whatever we think we are doing as parents, for the best, you cannot completely engineer what your children will do when away from home. If my privately educated DD had refused to mix, I guess it would have been blamed on her education. So why did the other students refuse to mix with those perceived as "different" to them? Getting along with anyone is important, regardless of where they went to school. Just getting along with people you consider to less fortunate than you, is only half way there.

Far better put than my feeble attempt bojorojo

My daughter is at the top of the top sets at her state school. She has never had an issue with being bullied for being bright and actually finds it can help her in some mixed ability classes, as people are keen to work with her, knowing they'll get a good result too. She's had "extras" thrown at her - further maths lessons, author visits, STEM activities, college visits & soft skills/team working activity days this year alone

I went to a private school after a state school, but blended into the background. We had the choice between state & private for DD, but decided the money saved would far outweigh any perceived academic advantage of our local private schools. She's thriving, but we are lucky because we got her into a great state school out of our catchment area. It's true, the advantages are all based on your local circumstances.

My daughter is starting a private school in september, no one in our family have been to private school (a few went to grammer school) so I don't know much about other private schools, but the school's approach to education is totally different from the education I had, and a lot of it is practical based learning (I would have loved to go there, she's extremely lucky).

She has met all of her teachers and has made friends already who will be in her year group and can't wait to start, I have never known a child as excited to start secondary school as she is(she wants to skip the summer holidays).

However, there is another private school which has always had a fantastic reputation nearby and parents aren't happy with it as it has changed very quickly since the new headteacher has taken over. I think they are like any school and that who the head is and how they run the school, and how the staff are, is what makes a school how it is.

Haven't read the thread. Dd3 will go private for at least years 7 and 8 for the sport and extracurricular. Academically our local state is excellent but the sport and drama is pretty poor. I work ft and don't have time to drive to clubs etc. We've done a mixture of state and private for the other two and it's worked well.

As someone else said, the connections thing is massively overstated. I also think it's nonsense that going to a private school stops you being able to get on with a wide range of people- certainly, that is not my experience.

I think the main benefit of being able to go private is choice. Beyond that, it's all down to the school in question- there are some great private schools and some which are absolutely dire. I'd think much more in terms of finding the right school, state or private.

I also think you need to think hard about the issues re sending one child to private school and one to state school. I know you say your son doesn't want to go- unfortunately that doesn't mean he won't feel it as unfair, even if only subconsciously. Tricky one.

I went to a v academic indecent school and loved it. In addition to a great education, I think it gave me the confidence to feel that I could do whatever I wanted, so long as I was willing to work for it- nothing feels out of reach. But that was down to the specific school, and I'd hope a good state school would also help its students to feel the same way. In contrast, my SIL went to a v smart but not academic girls private school in Kensington and it was awful- no expectation that anyone would achieve anything academically, doing well in exams was seen as being a bit of a joke because of course you'd marry someone who either earned lots or just had lots so why bother? Grim.

Waah independent not indecent!

Do you have a suitable school in mind? Not all independent schools are more academic, not all are better than state ed and importantly in your situation many don't offer stand alone bursaries, they are linked into scholarships (you've missed the boat One of these for yr 7) and these are fiercely fought over, preps very carefully prepare children for scholarships. Anywhere that has a yr 7 place now is not likely to be very selective so you'd be looking for a yr 9 place where would your DD go in the mean time? Few preps offer substantial bursaries and fees for preps that go to yr 9 are often substantial.
With regard to one in state ed. one in independent DS1 went to a state comp from yr 9 having been at a prep school since yr 1 DS2 was in independent from yr 2 till he finished school at the end of yr 13. DS1 I'm reliably informed in his most recent ed psych report, is very very bright but has "moderate" dyslexia/dyspraxia, dyscalculia, poor working memory, very severe processing problems he wouldn't have got into DS2's school and I didn't think it was worth paying for the type of independent school that would have taken him when we had an "outstanding" state school on our doorstep. We paid for lots of tutoring etc instead and supported him a lot. DS2 who's brighter with mild dyslexia and in particular he has a very high ability at math went to a super selective big name boys only boarding school from yr 9, I have no doubt he would have been bored rigid in a state school. Neither has resented the others education, both are intelligent enough and know that we love them both equally to realise that we sent them to schools that we genuinely felt would work best for them as individuals. Like you I believed from an early age that DS2 would thrive in a very academic environment, and he did.

Meant to add DH went to a famous top independent boys school he thinks the "connections" thing is a load of rubbish. He's never benefited from it.

I'm quite shocked by people saying their old schools don't have active alumni groups or worthwhile 'connections'
DH and I must have been lucky, because we both have very active groups.

In mid-30s and firmly established in my career so don't pay massive attention to it, but I have mentored a couple of ex-pupils wanting to get into my industry and get invitations every 2 or 3 months to drinks and meet-ups
The alumni association has set up 10+ groups on LinkedIn for various industries (property, media/advertising/PR, STEM, banking and finance, people living in Hong Kong/US/Middle East/Australia/China) for people working in and wanting to get into those areas. They have conversations on internships, job vacancies, flat rentals, references for jobs, general advice etc and there is an undeniable degree of nepotism but that's the point...
There is also a (closed) Facebook group which has some of the above plus general news on ex-pupils, holiday rentals, flat rentals, people going to new cities requesting people to be introduced to when they get there
I thought this was common to most independent schools

It isn't the main reason to chose independent over state, but it's a very nice benefit to have...

sparechange, is that a GDST school? Their alumni group is amazing.

No, it was a co-ed school (Millfield)

I never said that going to a private school will mean you won't be able to adapt to other people. My husband is privately educated, I'm comp educated and we've ended up with very similar jobs dealing with similar people. However, he didn't go to private schooling to avoid the challenge of being with kids of different abilities. It's not the issue of private school vs comp but about already feeling at a very young age that if you are very clever, you will only thrive if interacting with similar minded children.

It all comes down to the school too as in my town, there is one very selective private school where the overall level of academic ability is significantly above average, but the other private schools have a same range of ability than some of the local state schools, with many parents of non academic kids picking private schooling because they feel they will get better pastoral care rather than for the academic side of it.

I too am surprised by the lack of recognition on MN of alumni events and help that good independent schools offer. Maybe people have not bothered to join. My DD has already been to mentoring events to talk to 6th formers about a career in her profession and she only left the school 6 years ago. It is not a reason for choosing a school but should be an added bonus exactly as spare-change describes. I think some schools are better at it than others but if no past pupil or parent gives assistance to pupils in any way, then it is a bit of a shame because some pupils benefit a lot from this. My DD even benefitted from the links her school had with a notable boys' school and one boy's father has been a referee for her regarding professional registration. She bothered to network, but it was the schools that made the link in the first place.

I think that's true bojo.

It's all there is you want it. But you have to make the effort. Old boys and girls are not going to come and knock on your door .

I haven't RTFT but just based on your OP.

Please consider your other child.

My brothers were privately educated and if you had asked the 14 year old I was I would have said I wasn't bothered but as an adult....well I am seriously pissed off that the opportunity was not given to me.

Both DH and I did well at school he was privately educated and I wasn't. he did make it to Cambridge wheras I only made it to a Russell Group University.

DH is always being invited to alumni events and being asked for money by his old school and University. Mine leave me alone. If your interested in what Squiffy Watkins is doing 25 years after you left school go ahead and do it.

DH sis was sent to the state school because to quote DH she wasn't worth the investment as too dim in the mind of his parents. She is a horrible individual and I dislike her but even I can see how this hurt her. I do wonder if it's at the core of her bizarre behaviour.

DS attends the bog standard comp round the corner. I spent 25 years working In higher education. The one difference between the comp and private school kids was the privately educated ones often lacked regional accents.

That's probably true, Bojo, re advice and networking. Think the days when going to the right school would in itself get you a job are long gone though.

Pie
I don't think it is being interested in what Squiffy Watkins is doing, so much as knowing that Squiffy works as an investment banker/head of an ad agency/astronaut, and can give you advice on how to get into the same industry and what sort of work experience etc employers will be looking for. Hell, he might even be able to offer you an internship that gets your foot in the door... Or if work have just told you that you need to move to Hong Kong for 2 years, he might be able to introduce you to some people out there.

A school friend of mine has used school contacts to get investors and backers for her business, another who runs a wine company lays on the drinks at the networking events and gets people to sign up as customers of his company.

And the ubiquity of Facebook means actually a lot of people are very interested in what their school friends are now up to, and will make the occasional effort to see them to find out, not least if there is a potential career benefit to it.

There is a fine line between networking and nepotism, but there is no denying that it is useful

The one difference between the comp and private school kids was the privately educated ones often lacked regional accents.
That made me smile! My OH was probably, once upon a time, very eloquent in public school language, but quickly forgot about it when he started working with local trade people! His vocabulary is now appalling and I constantly pick him up on it (I can't stand the use of 'me' instead of 'my') and English is my second language!

The connections. My DC swear they don't count for anything and it's utter rubbish. I'm not so sure - those connections might not get them jobs and it might not be as naked as a generation or two ago. Nevertheless DS's circle contains some outstanding young people and I'm sure they will all continue to support each other with helpful introductions throughout life.

DS is just finishing his second lot of work experience due to his parents. He will likely do the same for his DC. I can't out him or us but he has two prestigious names on his CV.

The other thing is the confidence and ease of conversation it brings. Hard to put one's finger on.

OhTheRoses don't overrate these things. These sorts of work experience can backfire later on. Best that your DS doesn't mention them on the CV, especially if he's at an expensive indie. The only real point of doing work experience at a glamorous place or with a well known person is for the original purpose of work experience - to get a feel for what a particular work environment is like - because the world out there has become increasingly sniffy about work experience handed to kids on a plate. My DC have had some very useful experiences but have always omitted them from UCAS and job applications. Re. connections generally, I would think that school connections are less valuable than university connections tbh - the relationships seem to last longer.

My post was on the basis that you've mis-typed OhTheRoses and don't mean that you as parents have given work experience to your DS and are 'prestigious names'!! That would be even worse!!

He's at uni. Where some of his close friends are the lads he's been with since he was 8. And making new ones.

He'll present the work experience/internships as he wishes.

I don't think there's any need to be so patronising. He's 21 and doing rather nicely.

Well let's hope it's on his own merit in that case, rather than the very silly idea that two 'prestigious' names on his CV, from placements he didn't compete for, are going to impress anyone in a position to dole out decent jobs!