Boarding - positives please

[Parsley1234]

My beautiful son wants to board next year - year 9 and I'm being very positive about it even though I'm going to miss him like crazy it is just me and him and always has been really. Please tell me what he will get out of it positively and help me not to have a crying fit when he goes as you see I'm preparing well in advance !

OK if you don't like bringing themselves up, then try being brought up by 13 year old peers.not healthy!

kitkat you appear to either have problems with reading or problems with comprehension.
It's not that I don't "like bringing themselves up" I know that it's not happening.

Having been a teacher in a boarding school, the children are certainly not left to 'bring each other up'. IME even the teachers who personally I wasn't keen on were absolutely dedicated to the children in their care, and those who didn't have the children didn't last long. I loved those kids and they were like a family to me although I don't miss the hours, I miss the camaraderie.

kitkat I am not sure if you are generalising from a personal bad 'Lord of the Flies' experience but you have a rather bizarre view of boarding life from the schools I know of.
A DC's freedom to choose activities and interests (without having to ask parents to organise, arrange transport etc) plus learning to organise themselves does not equate to DCs bringing themselves up. Boarding means that not only parents bring up their DCs but also a whole team of experienced adults plus lots of 'older brothers' to offer advice (often more heeded than what parents will say).
Of course boarding does mean that parents have to accept that their DCs will have guidance and structure from other adults rather than just themselves and that just as in large families their DC will not be the sole focus of adult attention. I think that is a positive.

Lots and lots of people are strongly anti boarding (I am another one), but these sentiments and debate are probably unhelpful for the OP.

Dozer you and others are of course very much entitled to have opinions as are those who believe in boarding. But when people who are anti boarding come out with comment like the one kitkat makes which clearly are not based on any knowledge, experience or understanding of the way boarders live in 2016 it's more than unhelpful. For those of you who are anti boarding you would strengthen you argument by basing you views on real facts rather than knee jerk uniformed prejudices. Parents with children at boarding schools know from direct personal experience that comments like the one kitkat is making are simply incorrect. No one on here with direct current experience will deny that some children struggle with boarding but after 11 years of having a DC in a boarding school, the fact most of our friends DC's board and I have professional experience of working with boarders means that I have met countless children who board the vast majority are happy and thriving and are happy well adjusted individuals who at the very least have as strong a relationship with their parents as day pupils and in many cases they have stronger relationships with them. This may not be how you would want to bring up your children, you may be unconfirtable witht this way of parenting and you may feel that your children would not be happy but you cannot then jump to conclusions and assume that this will apply to all parents and children.
Secondly I have never understood the need to add these type of comments to specific threads, I'm not commenting on another thread started a parent having a wobble about sending her DC to a state school because it would be inappropriate. If the thread had been titled the pros and cons of boarding then fair enough but it's clear that the OP has made her decision she like many parents is aware that although the knows her DS is most likely going to have an amazing time she is going to miss him and is therefore seeking reassurance. This is perfectly natural most parents sending their DC's to a boarding school for the first time will feel like this.

The benefit of independence has been noted. The real difference I notice between myself aged 12 at boarding school and my DD who us at day school is the academic independence I had. I started boarding at 9 for a variety of reasons by 12 I just cracked on with my prep/homework there was no one to make a fuss to. Despite the fact that I am a rigid 'it is your homework not mine' my DD will create a tremendous fuss before getting on with her homework it drive me crackers. I intend to do State boarding for sixth form partly due to option available to us and partly to foster some independence.

Teenage boys are programmed to be repelled by their parents, no matter how close they are to them, and living with them can be extremely quite bumpy at times.

Your son may be adorable now parsley but he is going to change soooo much over the next two years you just won't believe it (he will still be smashing, of course) and he will begin moving away from you at this age anyway, and is going to want to spend much more time with his friends than with you.

Boarding school can deal with this stage admirably. He is surrounded by friends, he has caring and sensible adults to talk to about stuff but who won't say stupid things, and won't 'keep going on at him' and who won't incinerate him with embarrassment by trying to be friendly with his friends, he will have any number of cool role models in the older boys - whether they are first team rugby players, comic actors or super geeks. As for GCSE time, it just worked brilliantly.

You will miss him like mad, (although you are used to him boarding anyway) but when he comes back the first thing he will say is 'It's just so great to be back home' and will be happy to revert back to snuggling up with you to watch DVDs and catch up on the gossip.

Ignore kitkats comments, she obviously has no direct knowledge and is just one of the anti-boarding sharks who like to come on and bite chunks out of nervous parents whenever they sniff a wibble or a waver. Real closeness has nothing to do with physical proximity.

lonecat that's an interesting point. After four weeks of intensive revision alone at home over the Easter holidays DS was saying it's easier to work at school. Not because they're supervised or because they're all sitting round together revising he said it because there's an "we're all in it together" ethos that encourages you to get on with it.
I've read a few times on various school websites in both sectors that data shows that results are better for boarders.

"Anti boarding sharks who like to come along and bite chunks out of nervous parents."
Indrid that truly fantastic I take my hat off to you you win the MN prize a bar of for descriptive writing.

There is heaps of research to back up my POV. The pro boarding comments on here are laughable
Let bs deal with tricky stage of parenting. Boarders have a better relationship with parents (Disney mum and dad ?)that is like the comparison of holidaying in a country to living and working there. Teenage boys are repelled by their parents? Really? I have 2 teenage boys and one girl and never come across that!
O was a boarder myself from 11 and have done a dissertation on this very topic

Please link in to the research to back up your point of view I would be very interested to see it. Perhaps even more interestingly you could share you findings from your dissertation please include your methodology. In particular I'd like to know how many boarders ex boarders you spoke too, how you selected them and how many are actually in boarding now.
Are you saying that my experiences as a professional who regular
works with boarders has no validity? I too could write a dissertation on my experiences which I suspect would come to a different conclusion to yours.
I guess I can only speak for my teenage DS he has never be repelled by his parents. We do not have a "Disney" relationship. I work with children who are educated in both sectors many very sadly have very dysfunctional relationships with their parents, some of these children board but it's not boarding that causes this. Over the years many health care professionals who've come into contact with my DS (for other reasons) not only comment on the strength of his relationship with his parents (often because they have preconceptions about boarding) but also on what a well adjusted individual he is are you saying they too are wrong? Thirdly parents of day children often comment on envious they are about the relationship DS2 has with us his parents, even other children have commented. This is not a "Disney" relationship but a loving well adjusted parent child relationship.
Why do you assume that as parents we can't make correct judgements about our relationships with our children and how boarding is effecting them?
I accept kitkat that you were unhappy boarding (many years ago I guess) and as I said above I can find children today who are unhappy hoarding but I could also show you 100's of children boarding in 2016 who are exceedingly happy and thriving and have normal well adjusted relationships with their parents . I could also very sadly show you children in day schools (in both sectors) who are exceedingly unhappy they self harm have eating disorders abuse substances and attempt suicide and often they broken relationships with their parents but I don't go around saying that being at a day school is harnful.

Don't know what it is like for boys, but my DD weekly boarded for a couple of terms and there was non-stop bitchery and bullying.

I'm sure mishaps that bitching and bullying goes on in boarding schools although in my own experience boarding schools come down very hard on bullying. But it also goes on in day schools in both sectors.

Teenage boys are repelled by their parents? Really? I have 2 teenage boys and one girl and never come across that!

What I said was they are programmed to be repelled (in the scientific sense, as in magnetic attraction and repulsion). Every study of adolescence has shown this, starting with that writer from Ancient Greece who complains about how ghastly young people are, that people like to trot out from time to time. If you have three teens and none of them have ever exhibited Kevinish adolescent stroppy behaviour then they must be highly unusual.

No one here has ever denied that some people have suffered terrible consequences from a bad experience at boarding school, but that does not mean that everyone does, and it does not mean that young people cannot suffer terrible consequences from bad experiences in any number of other situations.

Simply stating that the pro boarding comments are laughable, implying that all of us whose have happy and fulfilled boarding offspring are lying or deluded, just does not do as an argument I'm afraid, but then you don't seem to value real evidence much to prove a case, as the lack of any to back up your own point indicates.

I can't be bothered with this any more as its been done so often before. I've had a hard day in the garden and am now going to sit down with the and so kindly presented by happygardening!

This is what friends who boarded told me were the benefits. Lifelong friendships, they appreciated their homes more, had good relationships with parents and siblings because they had a lot more time apart, so were pleased to see each other.

OP, boarding one day a week is a bit different to boarding 7 days a week and not seeing him for the 5 weeks between the May half term and the end of the summer term when there is no leave weekend in the middle.

My DD started off as a weekly boarder and then became a full boarder which was stunningly hard. Be careful what you wish for!

A relationship with parents where both parties are on 'best behaviour' is not really a healthy parent/child bond.When I was a t boarding school, I wasn't really unhappy.Children are very adaptable and you just kind of become resigned to it and adapt to protect yourself.I remember when I was a child, people would say how different boarding is compared to how it usedto be, but the truth is that children and their needs are the same now as they have always been.
I read on a fresher's FB status 'Until you leave home you don't realise your parents are your best friends ' they care about your smallest worry, and celebrate your smallest 'yay!'

Has anyone said that they or their children are on their "best behaviour" when they're together?
I am not my DS2's best friend I am his mother, this means I care about his smallest worry celebrate his smallest "yay", he know without any doubt that I love him unconditionally and am there for him, if he want advise, or help and support, someone to bounce ideas off, encouragement with his plans, someone to moan at, someone to talk about his fears or dreams, or someone to walk the dogs with and play backgammon (badly) with. If he has a problem he knows that I will do everything in my power to help him overcome it and he also knows that I won't always be able to help as I can't work miracles but I am still there for him. My DS know I'm not perfect at times we argue and squabble and sometimes I'm in the wrong sometimes he is because we are humans. But we still love each other deeply.
Your right kitkat children are adaptable, but adaptation is not necessarily negative. Yes some resign themselves to boarding in the way that some resign themselves to being in a day school, as you say they adapt to protect themselves. But other adapt to boarding/communal living to enable themselves to thrive because they love all it has to offer, I suspect this is why katemiddletonsothermum's DD now wants to full board. I've seen this a lot over the years day children changing over to full boarding despite some living within walking distance of the school gate because they want the life that their boarding friends have.
Your right children's needs haven't changed but boarding schools have, the happiness of the children is at the heart of most boarding schools, most parents seek good results but also place a lot of emphasis on pastoral care they expect their child to be cared for, and for their child's emotional wellbeing to be very important to a school. Schools know this, they aren't just paying lip service to pastoral care because they know if they do parents will vote with their feet. I never cease to be amazed by the caring dedication demonstrated by DS2's HM, and others I've worked with, DS2's really cares about the boys in his house, and most importantly they know this.
As has already been said this subject has been done to death on here and like others with your views I suspect that whatever anyone says you'll carry on believing that boarding is completely wrong and that as Indrid you'll also carry on believing we do not understand our individual children so are simply deluded or alternatively we're lying.

Well, you've clearly made up your mind. Good luck to you.

Unfortunately everyone Kitkat is right with regards to some schools - we are desperately trying to get our dc out of boarding school now half way through GCSE course as the school is not improving. Virtually no supervision - when you visit you are hard pressed most of the time to find an adult. There are about 85 in the house with 4 staff so they very much have brought themselves up - I have watched it happening. My dc is only still there because I thought I was over-reacting and it was the best education I could give them - friendships seem to change every week so no real closeness amongst the children. Academic standards not great - I could go on and on. You are all obviously lucky with your schools - we were sold a massive expensive lie.

Although I do think an element of luck is needed to find a match of the right school for your child. I also think that good research is needed and a understanding of your childs needs.

Going to private school is not only about getting top grades. It's also about building confidence and learning to get on with others.

Some private schools are just academic some are not. Some are very nurturing some are not. Like all schools bullying does occur. I have found especially in my DD school even the smallest amount of bullying or ostracization is severely dealt with. That being said there is still a bit of low level bitching. You have to remember not everyone is going to be your BBF. Yet you will always find that small clique that are. The others range from close friends to just acquaintances.

I do know of some schools that are as dire as orange has mentioned. I also have a friend in the same boat.

No teaching , No pastoral care and No activities.

These schools are not the norm amongst private schools.

I would suggest that with a little research and understanding of your childs needs. The school should not fulfill your needs and expectations. The school should be right for your child to fulfil their needs and expectations.

Certainly, as a given, make sure you are happy with the school. I don't know whether we found good schools through our own judgement or just through luck. I do know that for the couple of the girls schools we definitely did not like, I am still happy with those judgements. The co- ed schools we didn't choose would probably have been fine - we didn't reject them because we thought they felt like unhappy places. We weren't overly hung up one way or the other on big name schools but wanted all the things that mattered to us and the children's view was important. As for the personal relationship side of things, I think that comes down to your own personal relationships. If you have confidence in each other and listen to each other and can talk to each other then it will work pretty well. You know that there is a difference coming in how often your son might want to phone you (I suspect not many sixteen year old boys want to phone their parents every day though fine if they do) and that is just a fact of growing up. I don't really think the balance of caring yet backing off enough to give them space to grow is actually that different just because they are boarding but boarding does provide a framework for those later teen years which can be quite handy. If we lived somewhere else of we might not have opted for boarding and I think that would have worked out fine as well. One thing I do appreciate is that it reminds me not to take their presence for granted. Good luck with it and hope it works out for you.

orangesugarsheep that sounds bad. What attracted you to the school when you were choosing?

Inevitably there will be some 'bad' boarding schools which have insufficient numbers of good teachers and patchy pastoral care.
I think though that even in the 'best' boarding schools just as in the 'best' day ischools you will find dissatisfied parents because the DC has not for a variety of reasons availed themselves of the extra opportunities, perhaps avoided contact with the teachers and house staff, sometimes done too much socialising but not enough work or other activities, or worse of all just never really felt happy socially or ended up developing attention-seeking poor behaviour. The teamwork between parents and school is obviously important in these situations but sometimes just not enough for a DC to turn the corner.