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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Boarding school

52 replies

Jakana · 04/01/2016 14:35

My year 10 DS is refusing to go back to boarding school. He's in tears and says it does not matter what I say, he just won't go back.
He's not good academically at all and I've pleaded with him to at least try and he says he feels everyone else is better than him- I'm besides myself- what can I do? Should I let him have his way or not.?
(It is one of the most desired schools in the country). I'm devasted. Sad

OP posts:
ReggaeShark · 04/01/2016 16:45

You must speak to the school. They will help you both. They've seen this before and aren't as emotionally involved as you are.

Original poster
Jakana · 04/01/2016 16:49

We were supposed to go buy sports kits etc at the high street. School opens next week on Wedneday. His godparent is going to speak to the HM.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 16:54

It's awful being at a academically pressurized school if you are not able to keep up. And to taken away from your friends because your mother disapprove of them is petty grim too. Sad

An opportunity is only fantastic if you are in a position to take advantage of it........

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 16:55

Why aren't you talking to the housemaster? Why his godparent?

PirateSmile · 04/01/2016 16:56

Why would you not speak to the House Parent?
As his mum you will have to work out whether he is (a) temporarily upset or (b) feeling the school isn't the right fit for him, in which case he will always be unhappy. If it's the latter, I'd move him in a heartbeat. It's horses for courses, whether state, private, or boarding. Forget the carol singing. All that attests is his happiness. He'll get the best academic outcome if he enjoys school.

PirateSmile · 04/01/2016 16:57

Matters not attests.

Gruach · 04/01/2016 17:03

OP What is it his first day of?

There is plenty of time until the first day of term surely?

ReggaeShark · 04/01/2016 17:07

OP earlier you said today was his first day. Now you are saying it's next Wednesday. And his godmother is phoning the school? This isn't making sense to me.

Original poster
Jakana · 04/01/2016 17:08

BertrandRussell Please stop- if you don't mind.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/01/2016 17:10

Stop what? Hmm

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 17:18

As his mother you do need to speak to the House Master. It is a very valid point. Why the god parent? Do you live outside the UK?
You have not mentioned if there are other schools which are 'day' he could possibly attend. What does DS father think?
OP we are trying to help you. Honestly. Thanks

sal47 · 04/01/2016 17:21

Op - some sensible advice here from different of viewpoints and experiences but I'm not sure you really want to hear it. If my kid was upset, I'd be the one trying to help them, whichever path that may be. Are you worried about raising this with the school yourself? I'm sure its in their interests to help you.

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 17:22

Gruach
I forgive you Grin

JE1234 · 04/01/2016 17:24

Eton has very good pastoral support so I would be surprised if these issues were insurmountable. Are you outside the UK, is his godparent his UK guardian? Can I suggest you have this thread pulled? There are unlikely to have been many new boys at Eton in year 10 this term and lots of Eton mums are on Mumsnet.

happygardening · 04/01/2016 17:27

In the past I've worked with very homesick boarders, IME some take two terms to start to settle, so I think it's fair to say it's a bit early to be giving up. You do need to get your DS's HM very much on board, I'm not sure what that Dames role is at Eton but if they're involved in pastoral care speak to her and I think at Eton tutors also play an imprint role so talk to him/her as well. As others have said if he stays or ultimately goes your going to need their help.
Sometimes children can't give a definitive reason for being unhappy which can be frustrating for the adults involved, in a way it's so much easier in a way to deal with obvious problems e.g. bullying which you can attempt to address. Just not liking the school ethos for example is hard to sort out.
At prep after four very happy years my DS suddenly started hating it, he couldn't give any specific reason and like you we were told by the staff at times he looked happy, he was popular with other children and there were no issues with his schools work. The majority of his friends were happy there. He would sob sometimes breaking both my DH's and my heart, he never refused to go and on numerous occasions we offered to find another school and he refused to move. But so upset was he at times that a friend who was a paediatrician wondered if something sinister was going on.
In the end a friend who'd removed her DS for similar reasons I felt gave the most credible explanation. Both my DS, and his friend who'd left were out of step with the school ethos, as families we had a similar outlook on life, eccentric, disorganised liberal child centred I don't know how to describe it, but the prep school ethos was different, conservative with a small c, slightly regimented, not spontaneous again I can't explain it but we were poles apart, my DS just couldn't get his head around it. Im prepared to accept that there was nothing much wrong with the school, many talked highly of it or us as a family but we were like chalk and cheese we had nothing in common. I wonder if your DS finds himself in this position?
Secondly struggling academically at a school like Eton must be very depressing, where was he before? If he was at the top at a significantly less selective school it must be a bit of a shock and demoralising to discover he's
not as clever as he thinks he is. A hard lesson in yr 10. 14/15/16 is a difficult time in a child's life so many questions for them are unanswered who am I? Where am I going? What's it all about? Discovering some part of your life is not what you thought it was is very unsettling.
In retrospect I wished I'd my DS to another prep school. His issues without the school were not resolvable. You might be interested to know when he left he went to a boys full boarding school again through choice rejecting a place at a top state grammar and was saying the other day he doesn't regret his choice.
I'd set a date with him for reviewing the situation, e.g. 1/2 term, your not asking him to be skipping through the daisies by then but see if with measures put in place by the school if he's improving if there's no change or he's worse I think you'll have to start looking at alternative, you'd do no harm to give provisional notice now to leave at Easter if necessary, thus saving you money, few school want to keep genuinely unhappy children and are likely to happily help you find an alternative.
Good luck.

Gruach · 04/01/2016 17:29

(JE1234 That's why I suggested the OP should not give the name of her son's school here ...)

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 17:36

Gruach
OP had already mentioned the name in the chior comment way up thread before you mentioned not saying anything.
Its done now. Im sure OP will most definitely not be outted.
Most parents dont know whos who anyway.
You have made some good points Gruach. Im wondering if OP has the support SHE actually needs in this instance.

Gruach · 04/01/2016 17:40

(Derailing - sorry - but singing in a school Chapel doesn't necessarily mean you attend that school. So it wasn't clear to me.)

IndridCold · 04/01/2016 17:44

Jakana I'm sorry to hear that you are having this problem, and I'm sure that if you stay calm this can be resolved.

Firstly, you do need to lay down the law with your son that it is not up to him to decide whether or not he goes back. Even you ultimately decide that the best thing is for him to leave, before that can happen he does need to work with you and the school to try and resolve this problem.

Speak to the House Master yourself. Those guys have seen all this before, many, many times and will have several options to help you through. For a start they may suggest postponing his return next week, which will take the pressure off you a bit.

Good luck to you both.

bojorojo · 04/01/2016 18:22

I really feel for you. It is extremely hard after making a decison to change schools, feeling everything is sorted out, and then it all goes wrong. However, I echo what everyone else has said. Speak to the HM yourself. It may well be very difficult for your DS to settle in Y10. He has missed Y9 when a lot of bonding with friends takes place. I am also very aware that schools like Eton are huge. Finding out who is likely to be your friend is difficult enough let along gelling with boys in the first term. He is also thinking the grass is greener with his old mates.

I also think some children are a bit "fish out of water" in some schools. The idea seems great and the facilities and opportunities are second to none, but if you feel somehow apart from the other boys, it will not be fun. However, it is redeemable and having a good chat, now, to the HM is the best way forward. There will be boys who will be just like him.

Just wondering......Are you in this country? If not, will getting the flight be problematic?

Dapplegrey1 · 04/01/2016 18:23

Op - I hope everything works out. As other posters have said, the school will have seen it before and will be able to offer lots of help and support.
Bertrand - I know you don't approve of private educations, but your posts sound quite aggressive - I don't blame the op for asking you to stop.

LeotardoDaVinci · 04/01/2016 18:30

Jakana this is the hardest term to go back to - after the high of Christmas and the long autumn term it is just so unappealing to go back to school. I say that as one who was very happy at boarding school but really felt miserable going back in January, and also of a parent whose child (who is usually happy at her local day school) is dreading going back despite no obvious problems.

sendsummer · 04/01/2016 18:54

Jakana your DS must be very talented to be admitted in year 10 at Eton. It is also not surprising that he feels that the other boys are much better than him since they have had a year and more to settle in and be taught there. This term start after Christmas is a difficult return and it could well take him two terms to settle in and feel more confident academically. However as HG says you don't want to prolong it if it is the wrong place for him.
Lots of good advice here including not rushing into any decision but talking directly with the professionals at his school when you are calmer.
I think if he is still as determined tomorrow I would follow HG's advice as temporary notice gives him a sense of control for a possible departure should things not improve.

MidLifeCrisis007 · 04/01/2016 20:27

Hi Jakana, So sorry to hear of your son's predicament. He is clearly suffering self confidence issues, I assume as a result of his trials results at the end of last half.

This is probably an issue you need to resolve with his housemaster not on a public forum.

Best of luck.

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 20:42

Midlifecrises007
Never assume!