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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DD passed 11 plus but now wants to go to local comp..

56 replies

timeforabrewnow · 23/10/2015 10:28

because her friends are going there.

Dilemma for me as I know she's only 10 and really we need to choose for her as well, but ultimately we want her to be happy. The local comp has been classed by ofstead as 'good' whereas the Grammar she's got into is one of the top schools in the country.

For some people I realise this would seem like a no-brainer, but I think she would do well academically at the comp. It's not as pressured an environment either, BUT is it foolish to pass up such a good school??

Any replies from people who have children in secondary school and faced a similar dilemma gratefully received.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/10/2015 08:41

How big is the comp? What is the usual process with friends and classes? I went to a big comp and many of my friends were put in the other half of the year which meant that other than seeing each other at break in the first week we basically didn't see each other again until Year 10.

On the other hand - my friend who had gone off to the local private school and I made an effort to see each other at weekends.

LooseAtTheSeams · 24/10/2015 09:12

I was that bad parent!
DS passed the first round 11+ but we had to send the form before the second test for the grammar school we liked. In that time he decided he really wanted to go to the local comp with his friends. But we're not in a grammar area so the local comp has a truly broad intake. It would have been a bus ride and walk for the grammar. The comp is close and in a very nice area. He is still very close to his friends, is doing well academically and can fit in all his music activities because he walks to school. I don't regret the decision and neither does he, but the point is our comp had several advantages over the grammar and there was no guarantee he was going to get through the second test. Also neither did Latin!
If you're in an area where grammars take the brightest kids away from the comp, I would be more wary of turning down a grammar place. My main advice is to get as many visits in as you can and go with your gut instinct. I told DS, if I hadn't liked our comp he wouldn't have gone there. Each time I visited it, though, I liked it more.

DontCallMeBaby · 24/10/2015 22:51

DD is at a comp despite having passed 11+. But that's because the comp is 15 mins walk vs a bus ride, has good exam results, lots of extracurricular stuff, and the best value-added in the area. It's a bit of a known thing that you turn down the grammars (occasionally even the REALLY good one, in favour of this comp. Added to that, I had slight concerns about her in a grammar, given how much she'd struggled being at the bottom of the top maths set in primary.

She's only year 7, so no real conclusions yet, but her only complaint is not going to the other comp, the one most of her friends have gone to (and for which we're way out of catchment ).

I had this myself at 16 - choice of tertiary college or new sixth form college. My parents wanted a better reason than 'my friends are going there' for me going to the tertiary. I didn't have one, so I went to the sixth form. It was painful, but they were SO right.

IguanaTail · 24/10/2015 23:13

I don't think the child should make the decision.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 25/10/2015 06:34

Children need like ability peers to get the best out of school ( which is meant to be a collegiate experience).

This is harder to achieve for high ability children. To some extent selection at 11 solves this issue.

wannabestressfree · 25/10/2015 06:59

My son passed the 11+ and hated the grammar school. I moved him six weeks in to the comp that all his friends attend and he is 100% happier....

Brioche201 · 26/10/2015 15:37

6 weeks!!
Don't you think he should have given it a chance!

Brioche201 · 26/10/2015 15:40

What are you going to say when your adult child turns round and asks you why you denied them a grammar school education?

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2015 15:43

"What are you going to say when your adult child turns round and asks you why you denied them a grammar school education?"

Why on earth would they do that?

Oh,yes, I remember! He'll be working in McDonald's, won't he, rather than being a leading criminal barrister. And all because he did't go to grammar school.

Brioche201 · 26/10/2015 15:47

bertrandRussel
because if people f* up they generally cast around for someone to blame.

MrsMolesworth · 26/10/2015 15:51

It would be unfair to allow her to make the decision as she is too young. Look again at both schools.

Friendship is very important at that age - it helps establish their confidence and place in the world. A lonely child in an academic environment is not more likely to thrive than a popular one in a more mixed school. But there's no way of knowing how friendships will shift in secondary, and no reason why she shouldn't make good friends at the grammar.

I'd suggest a year at the grammar and if she really isn't happy or settled by then, discuss moving her.

ArkhamOffitt · 26/10/2015 15:55

She's just having the typical wobble of a 10 yr old about friends and moving to secondary. She has passed to get in the Grammar, I'd treat it like she doesn't have a choice if it's a better school for her.
DC said similar. The familiarity and closeness of the local comp seemed a better bet, but they hadn't considered the longer term repercussions.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2015 16:03

And you think they are more likely to fuck up if they don't go to a grammar school? Because it it's just generalised casting around for someone to blame stuff, you could just as easily ask "What will you say when they say "Why did you make me go to that grammar school I hated? Why didn't you listen to me?""

SugarPlumTree · 26/10/2015 16:05

I think we're going to have to have a go at getting year 7 DS into one of our Grammars as he is incredibly miserable at Middle School this year, came out last Friday and said he's never going back. It's going to be a lot harder to do this now than if we'd pulled our finger out last year and made sure he passed the 11plus.

The admissions lady has been very encouraging but we have to apply, he has to sit another test and then if he passes we'll have to go to appeal which I'm dreading. He's not liking the idea of going in part way through a year either and it's a bit of a mess. Much much easier to swap the other way.

wannabestressfree · 27/10/2015 09:50

The comp does just as well as the grammar, I know as I teach there. I gave him six weeks as he was being picked on, clothes cut, hair, and he developed mystery stomach pains. I haven't denied him anything but he has gained his friends and happiness back....
I hate the grammar is the only option view. Why is it? We tried something and it didn't work. I wish I had saved him the grief and gone with what he wanted in the first place......

Backforthis · 27/10/2015 10:00

Grammar school every time. Friendship groups totally change when they hit senior school anyway.

simpson · 27/10/2015 10:13

DS has passed the 11+ but we are not putting GS down as first choice and are opting for our local (good) secondary school.

The main reason is a 10 min walk V mini bus which would mean he couldn't do after school activities.

He did the 11+ mainly to avoid having to put a couple of truly awful schools on the form.

Brioche201 · 27/10/2015 13:25

And you think they are more likely to fuck up if they don't go to a grammar school?

what?? show me where i said that? (probably true, but i didn't say it)

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 13:29

Choosing to go somewhere because of friends isn't a good enough reason unless she's painfully insecure.

From experience, most year 6 friendship groups split up anyway once they are at secondary school together.

If she wanted to go to the grammar for a better reason - mixed sex element or commute, it would be ok

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 13:30

If she wanted to go to the comp for a properly important reason it would be ok. Friends isn't a good enough reason

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2015 13:32

Brioche- it was a question. But I was assuming that was what you thought because you thought it was more likely that in later years parents would be blamed more for not insisting on grammar school than for forcing a child to stay at a school they hated. While I think it's probably just as likely either way!

minimalist000001 · 27/10/2015 16:40

If you send me the names of both the schools, I can check their value added results. Value added is how well schools do with the students they have. It is not about the highest grades, more about how students progress

pearpotter · 27/10/2015 16:44

Have you looked round both schools and formed your own impressions?

How do you know which school your DC has got into - doesn't everyone find out in March?

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/10/2015 16:48

I hated my secondary school because my parents disregarded my wishes and got O level English Language and French at grade C. I underachieved shockingly. Please listen to your DD.

pearpotter · 27/10/2015 16:56

I underachieved at secondary school and went to the ones my friends were going to. Listen to your DD, but not in the case of just wanting to go where her friends are.

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