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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Did you go to private or grammar and are sending your child to state school?

88 replies

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/09/2015 07:39

How do you feel about it?
Dh and I went to private and grammar respectively but ds1 will go to the local comprehensive. I hope he'll be fine there but I feel a bit sad that we can't offer him the same type of education we had.
I obviously don't want to offend anyone with my remarks and I know lots of children do well in state.
Just want to hear from anyone who's done the same.

OP posts:
Fatfreefaff · 10/09/2015 07:44

I went to grammar, my husband to independent school. One child went to a super selective grammar, one to a comp. The comp was the better experience in my opinion. I hated my grammar as I was badly bullied as was DD1. DH hated his school. DD2 quite liked the comp.

Don't assume a comp is a worse option.

Fatfreefaff · 10/09/2015 07:44

Grammars are state schools!

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/09/2015 07:45

Sorry I realise grammar is state. I meant comprehensive in my title.

OP posts:
ReallyReallyReally · 10/09/2015 07:46

Hello, I went to an Independent Girls' school and DH went to state. Our DS has just started at local comprehensive (Y7). I do feel that I am not giving him the opportunities that I had, BUT at his local state primary he achieved 5,5,6 in his Y6 stats and so far he is loving Y7 and hopefully with support at home he will achieve well at state secondary. I can't yet tell you if it it is successful but can totally empathise with your feelings that he's not getting the same education that I had.

No134 · 10/09/2015 07:49

Dh and I both went to high-profile private schools. Dc are/have all been at inner-city primary schools and comprehensives.

I am delighted with the quality of the education they've been offered. Yes, the facilities are not as glitzy as the private schools up the road, but they're turning out sensible, confident kids who don't live in a little bubble of privilege, can get on with people from all sorts of backgrounds, know that they have to work hard and be self-motivated to get the grades they want, and don't think the world owes them a living.

And they come out knowing that whatever they've achieved is their own achievement, no-one has bought it for them or handed it to them on a plate.

No regrets at all. If other people want to buy their way out of the schools that my dc attend, then that's their decision, it doesn't make me sad or resentful, I just shrug tbh.

Fatfreefaff · 10/09/2015 07:50

DD2 changed schools at Sixth form to another comprehensive. Ironically its the same school I went to when it was a grammar. It is so much nicer now. All they cared about in my day was results and some teachers were truly sadistic. Believe me grammars are not 'better' than comps.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/09/2015 07:51

I went to comp but DH to private. His parents are both retired private school teachers/headmaster. Our children will be going to state school, we can't afford private. I don't think DH is too bothered, he's of the opinion that if our girls are going to succeed then they will be able to do it anywhere, and we can equip them with tools to succeed at home too. His parents are more bothered by it (but they're massive snobs).
DH and I met at work, both on the exact same graduate scheme. Both now earn the same salary. Only my education (until university!) was free and his cost tens of thousands of pounds!

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 10/09/2015 07:54

Thank you for your responses!
I knew I was feeling guilty needlessly but it's fab to get reassurance.
As far as I can tell, the comprehensives in my area are fairly good with good results.

OP posts:
Blu · 10/09/2015 07:55

Yes, and I am actively impressed with DC's state comprehensive. The range of subjects, the opportunities, mostly with the standard of teacher (and we had some SHOCKERS in my highly selective part private / part LA Scholarship school - but we did well anyway), and with his progress.

I know I am lucky in that we have a choice of good comps in our area of s London, I have no argument with parents who can and do choose private education, but at the moment, even if we could easily choose private we would be happy with the school. What it lacks in playing fields it makes up for in many other factors.

Every parent can give their child a wealth of experiences that are not dependent on wealth / income. Don't be sad and regretful, look for opportunities to pass on what you learned, and enjoy listening to and learning from your child's experiences in a different environment.

Fatfreefaff · 10/09/2015 07:55

I think music provision was better at the grammar but then it was full of kids who had had lessons for years. Also did some amazing trips but the posh parents could afford them. I can't think of any other opportunities the grammar offered over the comp. Both did Latin, had good teachers, pushed kids for med school & Oxbridge etc.

sirphlebas · 10/09/2015 07:59

everyone in my family is state educated - dh in a comprehensive, I went to a girls' grammar school, our eldest child is at a comprehensive.

She is a thousand times happier than either dh or I were. I felt completely oppressed by mediocre teaching & a dreary curriculum and dh's education was limited by bizarre, faddy teaching methods & constant disruption. DD doesn't have to deal with any of that & is doing well. We're happy that the options she had for GCSE - 10 subjects, all academic, all taken in year 11 - won't limit her in any way.

mandy214 · 10/09/2015 08:14

I went to (state) grammar school and loved it. Enjoyed every single minute of my schooling. DH went to independent and didn't enjoy it.

Our children will go to state schools - actually the grammar school system I went through (hopefully). My DH is opposed to private school because of his experience and he feels, the one dimensional education it offers (suitable for only those very academic and wealthy). None of our children for this reason will go to an independent school.

I do think there is a desire to replicate the education a parent had for their child if the parent enjoyed it so for me, yes, I would be sad if I could not do this because I enjoyed it.

senua · 10/09/2015 08:17

You have the wrong end of the stick. It is not a case of we went selective / the DCs are going comprehensive. It is a case of we went to school a generation ago / the DCs are in the here & now.
Current-day comps are nothing like comps of a generation ago.

gingerdad · 10/09/2015 08:20

I went to private school, oh local comp. our kids at our local comp and couldn't be happier. If we had boys may be more worried but our girls doing fantastically well at local school. No regrets.

TeenAndTween · 10/09/2015 09:07

I went to one of the top girls boarding schools in the country. DH went to a grammar school. We could afford private if we wanted.

DD has just left our local comprehensive with better than anticipated GCSEs. Our local comps are good academically for high achievers, middle and low achievers, and I don't see the point of paying unnecessarily. She has learned to mix with a wide-ish range of people. Can't really fault it.

yomellamoHelly · 10/09/2015 09:19

I went to independents. Dh to state. Tbh dh's state experience sounds like it was pretty poor.
Dc are doing state. Eldest just gone to secondary. Independents just too expensive for us (though a part of me wishes it was possible).
Would rather ds got to do the ski trips, language trips, history / geography trips etc..... (I never got to do this kind of stuff while I was at school as there were four of us.) Not to mention the chance to do some fun stuff at home with us which we might not otherwise be able to afford. (Theatre, days out, trips abroad, eating out ....)
May fight for disabled ds to go independent as just don't see the available secondarys (he's in a special school) suiting him but will cross that bridge when we get to it. The wrong fit will matter much more for him than it would for the other two.
Dh and I are happy to provide whatever academic support / encouragement at home that we can and to work on his self-esteem / confidence. Tbh I think that's half the battle.

RachelZoe · 10/09/2015 09:59

DH went to state and I went to private, our elder DC's went to state until 13, then one until 11 and then the youngest 2 have gone private all the way through (6 all together). I felt fine about it, DH is a very successful surgeon who went to Cambridge so that reassured me that state was just fine Grin, and me the privately educated one is in fashion Hmm. You've nothing to feel guilty about at all.

teacherwith2kids · 10/09/2015 10:12

DH and I both boarded at private schools - I was a 100% scholarship child, DH's parents lived overseas when he started.

We send our children to the local comp, despite the fact that they both passed for superselective grammars in the next town.

Why?

  • Locally, with 1 exception, private schools have less good results than the comprehensive. In general, the privates carter to a) overseas children, b) children from the wider local area [therefore outside the catchments of the excellent in-town comprehensives] who did not get into the grammars or c) those whose primary consideration is their astonishing sports facilities.
  • Comprehensive genuinely excellent, and has a culture of continually striving to be even better, whereas grammars came across as slightly more complacent and depending on their intake.
  • Both children LOVED the vibrancy of the comprehensive when they visited. DD couldn't be dragged away from the open evening!
  • Comprehensive is walkable, grammars are bus journeys. DD in particular has a very intensive out of school life (dancer) and gaining a couple of hours a day by not travelling really helps her.
Lancelottie · 10/09/2015 10:15

We were both grammar school kids. Of our bunch, two have been very, very well served by local comps. The third is drifting a bit and would possibly have been better at a good grammar -- but might not have got in.

So on balance, yes, I'm happy with the comprehensive system round here.

ealingwestmum · 10/09/2015 11:02

The underlying key is location and access to a good comprehensive. In spite of my education in a poor performing comp where having your head dunked in a toilet weekly for being perceived as 'smart' would not have stopped me from sending my DD to a comp. I know that that was over 30 years ago, and things have moved on.

But we don't have this access, refuse to find religion, move or change profession, no grammar choices and therefore made some lifestyle changes which enabled her to go private.

She's no better off than her peers. We teach her to not look down to the 93% of state school as she is no better than them, and not to look up to private as they are no better than her. Simplistic I know - as this like does not take account that there are fantastic state schools and dire, same for private. We did not choose our private for social segregation reasons but are not naive to the skew, no matter how hard a private school aims to increase its bursary intake.

One noticeable difference (and this is comparing to our local states, not the countries) is that her music skills are more advanced due to wider exposure from an earlier age. She gets many comments from her friends that she's weird for liking classical vs more popular. Exposure to some of the non academic activities is a value add that we have noted, even though this can also be achieved through out of school/parental support where so inclined.

I am really happy when friends tell me their children are getting a great education and learning experience from their state schools. And tell myself not be bitter that we are paying for ours. Pros and cons to both.

nicoleshitzinger · 10/09/2015 12:59

"but are not naive to the skew, no matter how hard a private school aims to increase its bursary intake."

Bursaries are entirely irrelevant.

They're only offered to clever, talented children with a strong work ethic, hardly children that anyone would take exception to.

State schools primarily differ from private schools in their make-up in that they have to make provision for children who aren't able, who aren't interested in education, and who may be disruptive. In some schools children like this may make up a large part of the cohort. Larger in comprehensives in places like London where a disproportionate number of high ability and education focused children are in private (15%) and socially exclusive church schools. This makes them harder places in which to teach and learn. This is what money buys you a route out from.

HPFA · 10/09/2015 13:07

I went to an independent grammar so i tick both boxes. DP went to state grammar. DD just started at comp. There was some dreadful lazy teaching at my grammar and my partner had some bad experiences with bullying. So neither of us had this "grammar or disaster" feeling about things.
As it turned out DD probably wouldn't have been happy at a grammar anyway- good academically but very uncompetitive and actually prefers the practical subjects. The local non-selective private schools didn't seem to be offering anything better than the local (excellent) comp she wanted to go to.

ealingwestmum · 10/09/2015 13:52

And there you go again Nicole creating the 'generic' state school argument in every thread that you can. By the very nature of where we live we are surrounded by the very socially exclusive schools that you mention. Don't live in the catchment for the remainder good comprehensives. Know the over subscription of those out of catchment we don't stand a cat in hells chance of getting. But you think that I should accept this under some kind of altruistic duty to my community. Or move. Because going to any old failing comprehensive (as the good ones are taken) is something I should be obliged to do, even though my DD will come out social excluded of forming friendship groups from the majority of the ethnic population that attend the catchment school because they don't mix with outsiders (and yes, I am from an ethnic background and am in a position to state how socially inclusive this race is...46 years in this country's worth of experience).

Obviously I don't agree. So, we look at other options. The very location of my DD's senior school means that it's near 50% intake of junior state school children, are not really that representative of the children attending state schools you are referring to. Because of the location.

And therefore, the bursary intake is important in my example, as it is trying to reach those outside of the population who do not live in the multi million houses that much of West London housing stock is worth, but I admit it's still a drop in the ocean. Not denying that.

Why do people go to school open days in the first instance? if it's too see which schools may suit their children on many counts, then based on their location, it may be a private/state, dependent on their needs. What follows are some serious soul searching to make the right call for their children. As this thread shows, the good news is that the right call is often the state school. Do you want to penalise them or exclude them from your debate - because I don't think many of them chose their local state school if their ofsted report was always 'fail/needs improvement' and then say ha, wouldn't that be a fun place to send our offspring'. You might though Smile

Of course money buys you a route out of. What you don't have the insight to say, but feel the need to judge, is what people are buying themselves out of. I have many needs, some of which you may have right, but not all of them.

We not forced to work in one place of employment, be disgruntled because the leadership will not deal with the jobs worth, disinterested staff who call in sick daily. We have choices, to put up or move on if things cannot be changed, albeit moving on is not so easy all. Why should we make our children do the same if the environment is toxic?

I survived from having my head dunked down a shitty toilet frequently, turned down a scholarship to the local indie (twice) and came out ok. But, I did lose my ability to learn to my potential. Stop being so judgy for making my choices...they are individual to me, not you.

lasermum · 10/09/2015 14:17

I went to private schools but Dh went to state schools and is anti private schools. We live in an area with excellent state schools and so our sons have only been in the state sector (no grammar schools in the area).

If the state schools had not been as good I think I would have found this position harder. Many of our friends send their dc to private schools so over the years I have sometimes worried if we were doing our "best" for them.

But i am now sure we made the right decision. Ds1 did his GCSEs this year and got great results. Ds2 is less academic and will have different options available to him while they both attend the same local school. And we have saved lots of £s on school fees.

tootsietoo · 10/09/2015 14:23

Us. And we could afford private. Our children are getting a better education than I did. We have great local schools.