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Secondary education

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Y8 DD being read sexually explicit fiction

63 replies

Cabbagesandcustard · 14/07/2015 21:30

A very dominant thick girl in my Y8 DD's class has got hold of a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and has been reading it out loud to classmates at school, during break and lunchtimes. I'm pretty relaxed about sexual stuff in general and realise that we were all sniggering at Judy Blume's "Forever" at a similar age back in the 80s - but I'm less than thrilled at the idea my 13 year old being exposed to BDSM at school (as, I'm sure, are the parents of many other class members who are strictly religious - it's an all girls school with a very high proportion of ethnic minority students).
Should I speak to the Head of Year or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/07/2015 00:57

Oh, I wish I was as "cool" as you all. Oh, wait. No I don't.

OP- I would ring your dd's form tutor. 50 shades is entirely inappropriate for 13 year olds- and even more inappropriate for school. Describing it as "vanilla" in the context of young teens is just silly.

Lurkedforever1 · 15/07/2015 01:10

It's not the case of being cool, it's purely because limiting something like easily available literature just means they stop telling you, or at the least aren't open to discussion on the dodgy aspects. Just like when dd and her friends spent ages going through dictionaries to look up 'rude' words, it gave me chance to explain why the definition of rape, whilst containing that stages hilarious words like sexual and intercourse, was actually not funny and explain what it actually means, and 50 shades of shite is just an older level. Although I agree school with children that might not be emotionally mature or clued up enough isn't the time or the place

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2015 01:14

Anyone else old enough to remember the Skinhead, Suedehead books? They were currency in my school. I remember when a girl got expelled and the teacher opened her locker and all those books fell out. Trouble was they belonged to others in the class - she'd borrowed them - and the teacher removed them all with a disgusted look (to read in the staffroom, probably.)

Lurkedforever1 · 15/07/2015 01:21

fanny hill was my favourite discovery, mainly because my ill read English literature teacher assumed that for once I was not being disruptive and instead politely discussing my current reading book with classmates and lending it round them, because she thought it was just the usual tame period drama.

Canyouforgiveher · 15/07/2015 01:55

I'm with Bertrand Russell. I would ring the form tutor about this.

I don't get the "oh they will do it anyway" attitude to young teens. Or the "if it is sold in the corner store I can do nothing about it". In my experience (my eldest is 18) they do "it" less if you make it quite clear that it is not something sanctioned or approved of my family - right up to and including drinking alcohol.

Apart from anything else I would want to stick pins in my eyes if someone in my workplace decided to read aloud to me from 50 shades of grey at lunchtime (which I will freely admit I read without any judgemental "this is such crap" it is but that isn't the point of it is it?). Why should a 13 year old have to put up with it.

Maybe OPs teen is deeply uncomfortable and looking for an adult to stop the crap rather than be cool about it.

And also frankly the stuff discussed in 50 shades should not be seen as normal sex in a romantic relationship - and the idea of focusing on the fetishisation of wealth instead of the sex as a teaching moment for a young female teen - seriously??? that is your priority? I wouldn't want my girls (or boys) thinking that kinky shit was the norm for teens.

Flowers in the attic (which I also read passed around the class - not aloud, god forbid) was clearly written as fucking weird shit - no one expected anyone to be actually having sex with their brother ... in an attic .. after being imprisoned by their mother ..

but maybe someone might think reading 50 shades at age 13 that in 2 years time a boy wants to have anal sex with her or tie her up well that is fine isn't it.

no from me and I don't care how un cool I am as a result.

Canyouforgiveher · 15/07/2015 01:57

Oh and Judy Bloom's Forever is a great book

DoesItReallyMatter · 15/07/2015 02:09

I'd contact the school and let them deal with it how they see fit. I wouldn't give it much thought.

mrstweefromtweesville · 15/07/2015 11:59

BertrandRussell, I don't need to be cool, I'm just practical. At fourteen I was reading Jean Genet, and I'd done a lot of preparatory reading before I got that far. At fourteen my dd was reading Irvine Welsh. I didn't become a French homosexual criminal and she didn't become a drug addict. Books are a great way of checking out life experiences you don't intend to have.

CamelHump · 15/07/2015 13:20

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Nowfeeltheneedtopost · 15/07/2015 13:20

But canyouforgiveher, why can't the OP's DD just walk away? That is, presumably, what you would do if someone tried to read it aloud to you in your workplace. OP, I would have a conversation with your DD about why you don't feel it is appropriate and suggest she walks away.
I also don't understand why you would call the other girl "thick", nor the relevance of that insult to your question?

CamelHump · 15/07/2015 13:22

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CamelHump · 15/07/2015 13:24

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GinnelsandWhippets · 15/07/2015 13:30

I'm with Bertrand and canyouforgiveher. Totally inappropriate for the age and setting. And if adults just stop setting boundaries when kids reach 13 then they are irresponsible idiots frankly. 'Well they'll just read it/do it/drink it/smoke it anyway so I might as well ignore it' is shockingly lazy parenting.

Lurkedforever1 · 15/07/2015 14:00

ginnels you are entitled to have a different opinion, but not to leap to the massive conclusion anyone with a different one is lazy and stupid. Nor did anyone suggest at 13 you stop giving boundaries. But what some parents do is work on the basis some boundaries may get broken anyway, so I want to know when they are so at least I can impose some limits/ degree of parental input. Other parents do it differently and hope their children won't break the boundaries, and on both sides I'm sure mistakes are made or it doesn't go to plan, but that doesn't mean one way is lazy and stupid or irresponsible, just like the other way doesn't mean deluded idiots or creating rebels or losing any chance of input because they'll just do it anyway and not tell you. It's just 2 different views, I can believe my way is best and you can believe yours is, but nobody should believe it's an opportunity to believe their way is the only acceptable way or to trade insults.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/07/2015 14:26

Ginnel it's a massive leap to say any of the adults on this thread have stopped setting boundaries simply because they believe that (a) teenagers will read about sex and (b) it's better to have a dialogue about that than try to restrict it.

Canyou I didn't say the issue with wealth was the only teaching opportunity from the book but I do think the emotional abuse and the fetishisation of wealth are more of a risk because statistically a girl/woman is much more likely to meet someone who is emotionally abusive and/or who believes they can 'buy' compliance with nice shiny material possessions, than they are to meet someone who suggests they have a BDSM relationship.

You only have to look at the relationships board on here to see that EA is a much bigger problem than BDSM, and also that fear of losing material possessions (homes/cars/finances) is a massive contributory factor in people staying in abusive relationships.

TheReluctantCountess · 15/07/2015 14:31

Surely your daughter can go somewhere else, or speak to the head of year herself?
Aside from Ralph in Forever, I was reading Mills and Boon at that age, and 50 Shades is no worse.
If you're concerned, contact the school, but the novelty will have worn off before they get around to addressing the issue.

BertrandRussell · 15/07/2015 14:57

"Aside from Ralph in Forever, I was reading Mills and Boon at that age, and 50 Shades is no worse"

Oh don't be silly, of course it is!

TheReluctantCountess · 15/07/2015 15:08

Yeah, you're right, it is.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 15/07/2015 15:12

I wouldn't be happy either but think it's probably inevitable. Definitely worse than Forever though - in which girl of age falls in love with and has first sexual relationship with boy her age, falls out of love, moves on and learns about relationships as well as about sex ('do all penises have a name?' 'I can only speak for my own'). Not the same as 50 Shades, except that of course that's what we thought was 'dirty' then, and this has taken its place.

Lurkedforever1 · 15/07/2015 16:00

Worse than forever but so cheesey it doesn't glamourise sex in the way Moll Flanders does

TalkinPeace · 15/07/2015 16:05

Day of the Jackal always used to fall open at that page in my local library

scatterthenuns · 15/07/2015 16:09

A very dominant thick girl in my Y8 DD's class has got hold of a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and has been reading it out loud to classmates at school, during break and lunchtimes.

Sounds like DD is loving it and staying around to listen!

I remember finding my mum's copy of Nancy Friday's Women on Top very fondly!

Happy36 · 15/07/2015 16:18

Presumably this is going on at lunchtime so your daughter can go elsewhere with different friends if she is uncomfortable. However, if you are upset, you could speak to your daughter's tutor or another member of staff.

As others have said, a banned book (or banned anything) can be extremely attractive to teenagers. This reminds me of a recent blog post that I read by a literacy specialist called David Didau. Here's an extract. I think the part about World Book Day is fantastic!

"One librarian I worked with stands out. Toby Dyer was an incongruous figure. For one he was young – in his late twenties – and for another he was cool. Much cooler than any librarian has a right to be. He had a tattoo which read, “Reading Is A Rebel Act”, a sentiment that rang deep within – this was how reading always felt to me as a teenager! He made it his business to imbue books with edginess and danger. He engaged in what he called ‘reading terrorism’ – bursting unannounced into classrooms, reading a passage of prose or poetry and then dashing off, cackling maniacally.

"I met up with Toby last year. During our reminiscences, he told me about a reading assembly he’d given one World Book Day. He took the stage, his face a thunderclap, wielding a copy of Kevin Brooks’ The Bunker Diary. Although this book won the Carnegie Award in 2014, it’s probably one of the most controversial children’s books ever written. Anyway, Toby told his audience that he’d caught a year 8 boy reading the book and had confiscated it. He told them some of the more salacious details and said that the school absolutely could not endorse such filth. He said he’d heard there were other illicit copies floating around the school and that he was running an amnesty in the library: if copies were handed in before the end of the week no further action would be taken. Apparently he got the deputy head to go along with him. Anyway, he left his ‘amnesty’ pile lying around, unsupervised in the library and by the end of the day, every copy had been borrowed. The book became the most talked about reading phenomena since Harry Potter first hit the shelves."

www.learningspy.co.uk/reading/on-libraries/

elfycat · 15/07/2015 16:21

Y8? Not aged 8?

Read anything as far as I'm concerned. At aged 8 I was reading adult fantasy, by (modern money) Y7 I would have been reading Game of Thrones if it had been now. I was reading some pretty explicit stuff at this age and I'm pretty vanilla most of the time Wink

If they can buy it with pocket money (as far as I know there's no age restriction on buying this book - happy to be corrected) then there is no bar to reading it. Maybe now is a good time to have some very frank discussions about the darker side of relationships (obviously as appropriate) and why a lot of people find FSOG unappealing. She could be dating cretins in a couple more years (or less, maybe more) and forewarned and all that stuff...

insanityscatching · 15/07/2015 16:28

It's something I'd be encouraging my daughter to sort out herself either by walking away if she doesn't want to listen or having a quiet word herself with her form tutor and explaining that she feels uncomfortable if she expects someone else to intervene.
It's not something I would think necessary to intervene myself tbh and good practice for dd when she experiences other situations that make her uneasy.