Weekly boarding before full boarding: necessary? desirable? why?

[FutureBoardingParent]

Background: son in y6, has place at a full boarding school (for y9 of course), currently at a prep where a large minority weekly board, and many flexi-board. He boards one night a week at present and is fine with that. Has done full weeks at residential summer camps etc. without problems. His head has suggested that he switch to weekly boarding in order to prepare him for full boarding later; I get the impression that this is a general recommendation rather than anything specific to DS. DS doesn't want to do this, saying that he's confident he'll be ready to enjoy full boarding two years from now, but doesn't want to give up any more of his limited time at home in the meantime.

DH and I are strongly inclined to trust DS on this, and not try to push him towards weekly boarding (we would never insist, as "our child doesn't board unless he wants to" is something we feel strongly about, but if we were convinced that was the right thing, we would explain to DS why we thought that). I don't really want to discuss this with the head as that suggests it's up for negotiation whereas in fact we will decide! However, I would like to hear views of experienced parents, particularly if we're missing something important.

I feel that the one day a week boarding is useful in giving DS the experience of sleeping at school and handling all the same elements of the routine he'd have as a weekly boarder. It's not clear to me that four days a week would give him anything radically different. It would be longer away from home, and longer with less privacy. Still, he knows the place extremely well and knows all the people, has established friendships etc. - I feel the problems he's bound to encounter going into a new school are not things this would help with much. (Also, he'll have his own room at senior school, where prep has dormitories, so a different environment that way too; he doesn't particularly need to learn to handle a full week with no privacy.)

The extra money that weekly boarding would cost is a factor too; boarding fees will be a stretch, and we're being very careful to get value out of all the money we spend, saving as much as we can to safeguard our standard of living later. While we certainly could afford for him to weekly board, we wouldn't want to pay an extra hundred pounds a week without good reason.

Another factor is that DS will take very hard scholarship papers, in which his prep does not have a recent record of success, but for which DH and I do have some relevant skill. We have an evening routine that we're all enjoying to supplement the language teaching he's getting at school, and I'm loath to give that up.

My attitude is certainly coloured by experience with DS that he's typically very sure whether he's ready for something or not. If he's not, pushing him does no good and can in fact backfire. He can flip quickly into being ready, and then he's completely ready. I'm inclined simply to believe him when he says he will be ready in 2017 but doesn't want to do this proposed preparatory step, at least not yet.

Experienced boarding parents: am I missing something? How does that chime with or differ from your children's experience?

My DS went to Eton from being a day boy at prep. No problem. Of the 10 boys entering his house with him, 5 had been day boys at prep.

or just give him up for adoption?

I would trust your instincts, and be led by your DS.

Our DS did a bit of flexi boarding at prep school. Started one night a week, and was doing 2 consecutive nights by the time he sat CE.

He's now a weekly boarder, but would happily be a full boarder - he's nearly 17.

My advice is don't push it; seems like you have a good evening set up in terms of extra coaching etc, your DS isn't keen and its going to cost you more money.

Maybe the Head wants more numbers in his boarding house...??

Elizabeth - that's not helpful.

remember when they are there kids develop a kind of stockholm syndrome where they are persuaded that they like boarding

Totally unnatural family life,but one that makes money for the school.

I was in just this situation with my dd. She was confident about starting boarding at age 13, but adamant that she did not want to board at her prep school prior to that. I trusted her judgement , and she worked well at home to prepare for her scholarship exams etc . So resist the prep school Head's pressure! My dd made the transition to full boarding very easily, at the time that was right for her. It sounds to me as though the one night per week boarding is perfect for your son and his own needs. Remember that all schools are of course businesses, and no doubt the prep school will want as many full boarders as possible. Go with your instincts: you know your child the best .

Do what you think is best for your DS right now. He's happy with the occasional sleepover and the arrangement seems to suit all round.

As the head cannot give specific reasons why it's best for your DS, then I think you need not give any particular weight to it at present. Especially as you really don't need to go to a boarding prep to board successfully as a senior.

Your DS sounds very clear about what he wants to go. I'd back him, unless there is an overwhelming reason to over-rule, and from what you've posted there really doesn't seem to be.

I would be wary about the prep school Headmaster's motivations, to be honest. I really don't think that two years of weekly boarding is a necessary preparation for full boarding at 13.

Thanks for such prompt reassurance that our thinking makes sense. Never mind Elizabeth - I feel sorry for people who think it's likely that parents who are confident their children want to board are deceived, as it suggests these people don't have experience of a good, open parent-child relationship in either role.

i have personal experience of boarding!!

I wouldn't have a child to only see them for so many weeks a year. Bananas.

Just about managing to ignore another misinformed swipe at boarding, is there something is the water this weekend, the anti boarding brigade are lurking a lot at the moment.
Many at DS2's full boarding only school had never boarded before most settled down quickly. So I think it depends on you child and your circumstances Without a doubt a full boarder will take the move to a senior full boarding school very much in his stride but if money and preparation for scholarships exams are an issue I wouldn't worry about it too much.
You can help nearer the time by encouraging organisational skills; stripping his bed, packing his suit case unaided, at DS2's school they put dirty socks and underpants into this nifty net bag that goes to the washing, cleaning shoes, screwing the lid back on the jam and putting it back in the cupboard (will make you popular with matron) and having a vaguely tidy room without being nagged. If he takes say inhalers or similar find out if the school will let him or even expect him to self medicate and if they will/do get him taking them unsupervised. If by chance he uses an epipen he should be able by yr 9 to do that unsupervised. I'm often surprised by the umber of children who sleep with a light on or have to have complete darkness this could be very irritating for others if you share a dorm so worth addressing These little things when everything is new make the transition easier for those not used to boarding.

Elizabeth do tell us what boarding school are your DC(s) currently at where you've have gained this personal up to date experience of boarding, we're all waiting to here with bated breath.

You and your son seem happy with the plan, no need to change it.

However I'd be a touch miffed if the school I was paying through the nose for was unable to educate my son to the standard needed and yet trying to get more money from me!

Yup, already working at many of those skills (possibly a little prematurely: left him to pack his own boarding bag last week, didn't check on him, and he went off without a couple of vital things, oops). Apart from glitches like that, he's doing well. (Better than DH sometimes: it often happens that DS clears his own plate away to the dishwasher while DH leaves his on the table for me to deal with, argh.) The tidy room is the hard one, but at least at boarding school he'll have less stuff to be untidy with...

OP you'd be amazed by how untidy boarders can be with so little especially if they're sharing a dorm with 4 or 5 others.

Aranan - don't get me wrong, we're very happy with the school. The head is lovely, and I don't think for a moment that he's deliberately advising something that isn't in DS's best interests; but I think he may accidentally be doing so, and it is a good point that he has a conflict of interests! It was only a suggestion from him, it's not that we're coming under pressure; but precisely because I have confidence in him I wanted to take the suggestion seriously rather than simply dismissing it.

It may be that there's absolutely no need to do extra things at home, but it's very hard to tell until it's too late! The prep school does lack the recent record of children getting this school's scholarships that would make us sure they knew what they were doing. Languages are an easy place to see what's needed and help, as DH and I between us have them to a higher standard than needed. Curling up together on the sofa with books in the languages is fun and isn't going to do any harm, regardless :-)

There is no great advantage to boarding before 13 - and in some cases there can be disadvantages. It depends on the child and the family circumstances. You are the best judge of your DS and family. I would be suspicious of anyone offering blanket approval/disapproval.
I think there IS a difference between boarding for one night and boarding for four or five nights. The longer stay helps develop better organisational skills and prepares better for the senior school. But imo you can also develop those skills at home by for example ensuring your DS organises himself at home - tidies room, sorts laundry, organises uniform, does homework, sorts games kit, without you checking anything for him.
Boarding preps have a lot of empty beds at the moment. That is bound to impact on the recommendations they give you.

*Dancingqueen.

have you ever come across a child adamant they can't wait to board, really enthusiastic, for them not to be able to handle it.
I'm worried now, my dd hasn't really been away from home and is so disorganised and laid back she's almost horizontal.
The idea completely came from her, I am ashamed to say I was completely against boarding before this.

Interesting to hear that side, Dancingqueen17, thank you. I think morethan's question is pertinent, though: what we heard from more than one person at the senior school is that the few boys who do drop out are the ones who didn't really want to be there in the first place (but were there because their parents were keen). It occurs to me that this is consistent with what you report, as follows: you've observed a correlation between not boarding at prep and dropping out of boarding at senior school, but correlation is not causation. If as you say your school recommends children board for at least a year, then maybe the ones who don't go along with the recommendation tend to be the ones who, for some reason, really aren't that keen on boarding. The more strongly the recommendation is made, of course, the more likely this seems. It could be that the not boarding at prep and the dropping out of boarding at senior are both caused by the same thing, viz., ultimately not being cut out for boarding. This would account for what you see, but it still wouldn't follow that if only those children had boarded at prep they'd have been fine at senior.

In DS's case it's not that I have any doubts he could weekly board; indeed the fact that I'm sure he'd be fine is what makes me doubt it would add anything! I'm sure it varies with the school and the parent, but I strongly doubt that he'd have to be more organised as a weekly boarder than he does now. I tend to the happygardening school of parenting (hope I'm allowed to say that hg) and certainly do not micromanage him now. As 11yos go, he's pretty organised. In some respects he certainly gets more independence than he would as a boarder, e.g., to go out and about and manage public transport by himself, which the school would never allow to its pupils while they're in loco parentis (reasonably enough, I wouldn't want to make that judgement call for someone else's child either).

All that said, it's quite possible that the right thing will turn out to be a compromise such as his boarding for the last year, or even the last term, of prep. We'll see how he feels as time goes by.

The brief conversation I have had with dds future house parent said similar.

The younger ones who boarded from 8/9 settled better than somebody coming in at y9, but with so few children it was hard to generalise.
My dd said they were tidy girls, but terrible with laundry, all had dirty socks they said
All sorts of hodge podge combinations, that shouldn't be together apparently.
My dd is lazy and will probably fit in well.

I love the idea of curling up with your language books. We are like this with American Jazz musicians. You can't get this from any school and to be able to teach your child and support their learning is second to none and difficult to trust to somebody else when you have been in charge of it.
I think it would be a shame to lose your language input and if it was me he wouldn't change until necessary.

Don't feed The Fish, people!

OP - you know your child better than anyone else, so if you feel he is not ready for weekly boarding, and doesn't need it, don't send him. There is a world of difference in maturity between Yr 6 and Yr 9, and also a world of difference between being in a dorm, and having your own room to escape to. Mine both board, have their own room, share a bathroom with one other, and settled in relatively quickly. They are both weekly boarders, although we often don't see DD1 at weekends, as she would rather hang out with her friends and go to Thorpe Park or into town with the other boarders.