Worried about lovely Dd (13 ) who is now screen obsessed and slap dash in many areas. Does this have anything to do with the school choice?

[NoonarAgain]

Dd is nearly 13. She is such a creative girl and very bright. DH and I are both professional people and value education. We are not the most cultured, but we do outdoorsy stuff, take them to museums, read to them when they were younger and travel with them a lot.

She is about to turn 13 and would spend all her time glued to a screen if allowed. She hates exercise. She is sullen and stroppy and rolls her eyes. She says her English teacher has put her off reading so refuses to read for pleasure. Her room is a mess and she is slapdash with her school work. She is obsessed with Instagram and this seems to be a forum for playing out friendship drama whilst at time. We have had to be very strict at regulating this, but not before it's caused it's fair share of damage.

We are concerned that her school work in no way reflects her potential and she is coasting in all subjects except maths, where she has an amazing teacher. This is confirmed at parents' evening and in her report, which was a big change from year 7.

She is at a private school and we are paying good money to have help guide and shape our dd into an educated, creative, interested young person. Yet dd says the teaching is lazy and they mainly do worksheets and copy from the board. With special activities planned for open days!

How much of the 'blame' for these changes in dd should I attribute to this being the wrong school? How much of it is my fault? ( I must be facilitating some of the behaviours somehow?) and how much is just a sad part of being an adolescent in 2015? ( btw, Dd was really motivated when is year 7 and made an excellent start. She now seems disillusioned and lacks motivation to do better.)

I love my dd dearly and am saddened by the changes in her.

Dd would like to go to the local state school, which is a good school ( I have a thread about that dilemma too!) and we're near enough decided to move her, but I'd still really welcome some comments.

" dd says the teaching is lazy and they mainly do worksheets and copy from the board"

do you think this too? Private school is not necessarily 'better' in terms of teaching but you should find out for yourself.

Have you garnered opinion from other parents about the quality of teaching at the school? I would be trying to assess this as a matter of urgency. Try not to blame your DD for disengaging as this will make her defensive.

Sunny, I do actually. Or at least I've come to think that. Also, at parents' evening, all the teachers that dd likes and respects impressed me, and all the teachers that she hates, made a poor first impression on me. The English teacher was very rude and aggressive towards me, when I asked about positive aspects of dd's work ( she was being very critical) she nearly bit my head off!

I am feeling disillusioned with the school and ready to make a big decision on that one, but wonder how much the school is contributing to the changes in dd.

well if you have a 'good' state school locally that your DD would like to attend.......no point in wasting your money really.

Bonsoir, I know that there is a general feeling that the new head teacher is not as good. Not sure about specific views on teaching, though. I actually teach key stage 2 myself and have been surprised at the reliance on worksheets in dd's books.

However, the results at GSCE are very good indeed, so when I first looked at her books, I tried to reserve judgement and assumed 'they must be doing something right'. I wonder now, whether they achieve this by offering a very narrow choice of subjects and by cramming and spoon feeding, rather than by encouraging creativity and enquiring minds. That's my theory, but it's pure speculation.

Sunny, absolutely. I'd still like to reflect on what the cause are though.

Bonjour, disengaged is a really good word. It's spot on, and I think maybe that's the crux of it- but I hadn't seen it those terms. But...Why is she disengaged and what have we all done to contribute to this? Is being disengaged a bit not just a normal phase in adolescence??

Part of it may be the school. If your DD is not happy there then she will be less inclined to apply herself. Whether that is down to the teaching, friendship issues of just a general change in attitude it's hard to tell.
Your DD may feel that she would prefer to be at another school, but that in itself may bring issues such as friendships and settling in.
At this age, kids are undergoing such changes in themselves that it can change their personalities. MY DS is 13 and in the last year has turned into a moody, grumpy, monosyllabic lump, and is also addicted to screens! I think you need to factor that in too.
Are there any other issues at school - does she have lots of friends, could there be a bullying issue going on?
Does she do any extra-curricular activities - either in or out of school. That could help motivate her a bit more.

You really need to address this screen time thing if you possibly can.

Ime the children who are not caught up in an endless whirl of social media have a whole heap of stress just not featuring in their lives, at what is a difficult and pressured time anyway.

I suspect the attitude, Instagram and general addiction to the dramatic is a result of her being almost 13 and changing schools won't change that. I'm not sure I'd regard fairly normal adolescent behaviour as a 'sad fact' either. She's not sleeping around, taking drugs, truanting or breaking the law - you need to chill a bit on this front - don't catastrophise.

The teaching quality on the other hand might be an issue and you'll have to dig a bit deeper here. Is the school selective? Are its results ok? Do pupils stay for sixth form? And don't imagine the grass is greener - there may well be crap uninspiring teachers at the other school, although it would be cheaper obviously.

What if she moves and doesn't settle? Does she have friends at the other school? Is she wanting to move because she has problems and this is an easy way to avoid dealing with them?

Seeline, she has lots of friends and is a kind and emotionally intelligent girl. This has always been reported by teachers, too. However, she does seem to attract quite a bit of drama in the friendship arena. This has caused a fair bit if angst. However, dd says that she realises there will be friendship challenges in any school.

So...We are very wary of not taking a view that the grass may be greener, but feel that something needs to shift.

I think you are overthinking this .We sound a similar family and to be honest I think you need to relax a little and play the long game.Senior school is a long haul , year 8 is a difficult one, no obvious goals in terms of exams , novelty of a new school has worn off, hormones are flying everywhere etc etc .

I would also be very wary of making assessments of teachers based on what a 13 year old says quite frankly.Some of the teachers my ds1 disliked most in year 8 turned out to be the stars in the sixth form or the teachers that he learned to appreciate the most.Your dd does have to learn that her learning is her responsibility and she can't just say that she doesn't like the teacher and therefore hasn't done well in the subject.There is no box on the UCAS form to say "bad result in french due to not liking teacher"!And in life she will work with plenty of people she doesn't care for .

DS3 is in year 8 and i know that the school pays particular attention to year 8 girls because it is a tricky year for them, apparently for boys it is more year 9 .

Mintyy, do you think we should just ban social media, then? I just see it as toxic, tbh.

Titchy, thanks for your perspective...maybe I need to get things in proportion! Thanks for the reality check :)

In my post at 9.04 I explained about the results. Do you think that results could be good for GCSE despite poor teaching? It is a slightly selective school,but only in as much as they cater for only mild SEN. There is no sixth form.

I think it is can be very toxic, actually, but banning outright would be unrealistic. She needs to get it in perspective. I'm not sure how that can be achieved though! I know my dd's state school has lessons about social media and online bullying in PSE.

Thanks outtolunch, it's so useful to get your perspective. I really value all of your views.

To elaborate on the the disliking the teacher thing. Dd respects good teachers who may be strict and not necessarily charismatic. However, some have been described as really unpredictable/ shouty/ unapproachable/ demeaning. All I'm saying is that some of the teachers at parents' evening were triggering my internal 'mad teacher' alert (and as a fellow professional, my instinct is often good,lol!)

Did she care a lot about doing her best work and getting the best possible mark before she went to this school, OP? Or has she always had motivation deficit?

DS went to a private school with terrible results, they do exist. He's so lazy, but wanted to move to use his brain again, anyway (sounds like your DD?)

DD (13 & absorbs-Instagram-intrvenously) tries her hardest in a state school, but she's long been fiercely competitive anyway.

They do need to learn to deal with teachers they don't like.

My DS is 16 and is just getting the hang of this; for him it has been part of learning not taking every tiny thing as a personal affront. For him teacher conflict peaked at 14. I found the experienced teachers all thought he was fine (for the age that is!) But he was not giving respect to all younger teachers and they were reacting (I don't blame them at all btw.)

Ragged, I think she has always had a bit of a rushed approach to her written work, if not required to apply more rigour. The lack of interest in the work is new, though. I really do think that went into year 7 very positive and is now disillusioned with the learning/ teaching/ school.

Funnyosity, I agree. However, if my own crazy teacher alert was bleeping out loud at parents' evening, then that does somehow validate some of my dd's opinions. I always expect her to treat the teachers with respect, but had a private chuckle with her at how batty a couple of them were.

Sounds like the school is a poor fit for her. Paying doesn't insulate you from crap teaching or poor standards.

Have you raised any of your concers with tutor or head of year?

Some of her behaviours sound like that of a typical teenager. Often a phase - a frustrating one for them and those on the receiving end! It can be very hard to see your sweet, compliant, hard working delight turn into a stroppy, lazy, grumpy soul. This too shall pass!

Absolutely ! You are in the best position to judge all of this.

I have thought the teachers were acting counterproductively, however he is learning that he's not a special snowflake and a working relationship (to achieve exam results now - so perhaps easier for him to see the point!) is his responsibility too.

Why did you think the private school would be best for her, compared to the state option? Why does she think she'd like the state school better?

My DD1 is also 13 and in a partially selective state school and we do have a bit of an attitude from her at the moment.
She is friend and social media obsessed, I think this is normal for this age and banning it would be counter productive. But we do have boundaries: I have her PWs and I check her accounts and keep an eye on what she's doing. We have no phone in the car, at the table or upstairs in their bedrooms. And the phone goes away at 8pm.
She usually gets top marks across the board but this time around she had less than good grade in tech, for effort too.
The school is a good one and well used to girls of this age, so the teachers are pretty good about it. Encouragement is mainly positive but there are detentions if the girls take the piss.
If I was you, I'd be looking into the the State school, especially if she wants to go there herself.

I would absolutely hate to be paying school fees when there is a good, local school that my dd wanted to attend!!

Take her out of that school, use the money on family trips where you can ski, horse ride, mountain bike, hill climb, coastal walk, visit wildlife sanctuaries etc etc to get her more engaged and limit social media to 8pm when you collect her electronic devices.

Perhaps allow her to bring a friend along too to on these trips.

Nothing worse than having a self obsessed, self indulgent and disengaged spoilt child on your hands. Is there anyway she can be given some responsibilities? Does she have a pet to look after and is she helpful in general? Is she interested in any hobbies? Does she cook?

The more a young teenager is allowed to sit in front of the screen the worst it becomes, so instead of nagging her and getting her back up, using this more proactive positive approach will definitely work! I have 4 teenage daughters and I can guarantee it works

My Dc go to a grammar school and their teachers are pretty much all chalk and talk!

What restrictions do you have on devices?