Worried about lovely Dd (13 ) who is now screen obsessed and slap dash in many areas. Does this have anything to do with the school choice?

[NoonarAgain]

Dd is nearly 13. She is such a creative girl and very bright. DH and I are both professional people and value education. We are not the most cultured, but we do outdoorsy stuff, take them to museums, read to them when they were younger and travel with them a lot.

She is about to turn 13 and would spend all her time glued to a screen if allowed. She hates exercise. She is sullen and stroppy and rolls her eyes. She says her English teacher has put her off reading so refuses to read for pleasure. Her room is a mess and she is slapdash with her school work. She is obsessed with Instagram and this seems to be a forum for playing out friendship drama whilst at time. We have had to be very strict at regulating this, but not before it's caused it's fair share of damage.

We are concerned that her school work in no way reflects her potential and she is coasting in all subjects except maths, where she has an amazing teacher. This is confirmed at parents' evening and in her report, which was a big change from year 7.

She is at a private school and we are paying good money to have help guide and shape our dd into an educated, creative, interested young person. Yet dd says the teaching is lazy and they mainly do worksheets and copy from the board. With special activities planned for open days!

How much of the 'blame' for these changes in dd should I attribute to this being the wrong school? How much of it is my fault? ( I must be facilitating some of the behaviours somehow?) and how much is just a sad part of being an adolescent in 2015? ( btw, Dd was really motivated when is year 7 and made an excellent start. She now seems disillusioned and lacks motivation to do better.)

I love my dd dearly and am saddened by the changes in her.

Dd would like to go to the local state school, which is a good school ( I have a thread about that dilemma too!) and we're near enough decided to move her, but I'd still really welcome some comments.

Thanks everyone.

We chose this school as it is quite small and we thought the pastoral care and traditional setting would suit dd. She had had a turbulent year 6 in terms of friendships ( dd is vivacious, funny, popular but sensitive and attracts drama). The time to select a school coincided with dd feeling a need for a fresh start relationship wise.

I talk a lot to dd about what she may be doing to inflame/ prolong/ instigate any little dramas. I know for sure she is a kind emotionally intelligent girl but she is attracted to the queen bees of the class and then there is a bit of a clash. I think sometimes she may even be a bit of a queen bee. With a very sensitive side... I also think a that she craves fun and excitement in new friendships and that sometimes this may make her seem fickle and flit between friends. Sorry..thread going off at a tangent!

Anyway I'm trying to get her to have a bit of an insight and to regulate her emotions a bit more when there is a falling out.

She is high maintenance, relationship wise, but I really really don't think this is the reason for her interest in changing school. As it's nothing new for dd. I thinks she feels stifled by the tweeness if this small school now that she's a bit older. And uninspired too. I think the larger comp seems intriguing, if I'm honest.

Btw, If I had more confidence in the school, I'd be encouraging dd to stay put and work on being more accepting of what she's got.

Muggle, none allowed upstairs. None at table. No set time limit/ curfew but I do expect them to be off by 8pm and if she's on for too long I get annoyed. That's not really a plan is it, lol!?

I think 13 (year 8?) is a really acute year for disengagement in education and family life etc

Hormones play a part, obviously, as does peer group pressure to conform to teenage mores (not all of which are positive).

First, you need to address the school issue. Is what your DD saying about the quality of teaching true? Would the quality be better at your local state school?

Second, whatever school she attends, you will need to address some of the issues IMVHO as not every teacher can be fabulous, not every lesson can be engaging. We all have to build maturity to understand this and still make the effort.

I think the best way to encourage engagement with education, even when it's boring and frustrating, is to see it as part of a plan. Does your DD have a plan OP? What does she want to do with her life? Does she want to take A levels? Go to university? If so then she needs to understand that academia will be her 'job' for several years to come.

As for screen time, I would sit down together and discuss what time limits you both think are fair. Also discuss what things she's not doing as a result of too much screen time. What would she like to be doing instead?

Regarding books. My advice would be to introduce audio books. They're free to borrow from my local library (with a children's library card). They can be played in the car and around the house (bathtimes lend themselves to this). Don't be tempted to borrow a host of improving literature. Aim for a good mix.

Tidy room? Meh. Close the door.

Do yujou think she could be bullied/bullying on line hence wanting change?
Btw DS 14 also screen obsessed. We have no screens other than TV after 8.30 and no screens upstairs.
We have also had complaints about teachers then 6 months later they are fantastic. Fantastic teachers become the rubbish ones. The teacher you didn't take to. Were the just being honest. This isn't primary?
However school could be rubbish
Adolescence is/about separating and forming your own relationships. Someone once Tod me his daughters were lovely again by 19!

about to turn 13 and would spend all her time glued to a screen if allowed. She hates exercise. She is sullen and stroppy and rolls her eyes. She says her English teacher has put her off reading so refuses to read for pleasure.
This would describe most 13 year old girls. Also reading for pleasure will come back, once the exam led enforced dissection of books is behind her. I gave up reading for pleasure as a young teen as did both of my DC. We all went back to it after saying goodbye to English Lit at school.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are getting anything for your money by choosing a private school over a good state school.

I would move her. I think she needs a more stimulating environment to care about school.

The screen thing sounds pretty normal for 13 YO girls. My DD1 is 12 and in year 7, and DD2 is 10 and in yr6, and both of them spend a lot of time on screens.
I'm not sure about the school thing though. DD1 has just started at a very big inner city comp (rated well by ofsted). Her favourite lessons are all the ones with a practical element (DT, science, music, drama, art, IT), but even her geography and history teachers have included some practical elements, eg drama in History, and studying the local area in geography. Learning from worksheets wouldn't suit her. They did a workshop about different learning styles, and DD is a kinesthetic learner, so learns best through doing.
Having said that, I have read that year 8 is often a year when girls disengage a bit. At primary school they work hard because they want to please the teacher, and at GCSE they work hard because they want good results, but there can be an awkward year or 2 between those. DD1 hasn't got there yet, but she is only year 7. It can also be a tricky age for reading, as they have grown out of childrens books and don't know which adult authors to read. DD1 enjoys books like Divergent and the Hunger Games, but they wouldn't suit everyone, as there is a lot of violence.

Like many PP have said she sounds like a pretty normal 13 yo with a school that is not necessarily the best fit. You need to set some rules around screen time - we allow no screen time until homework is done, no devices of any kind or TVs in bedrooms (and DH and I stick to this too).

Yr8 is a tough one, DD1 really struggled with it - turning 13, hormones, periods, still having to take subjects she hated. Then options came along (school does this a year early) and she is transformed, loving school, happy, settled, far less stroppy. Find a school that works for her, this one really doesn't sound like it's worth the money.

Oh, and I fully agree with pourme's point about reading matter - children's books don't work at this age and my DD is also massively into dystopian fiction - she's currently reading the Maze Runner series but has also read Tanith Lee's Flat Earth series along with some decidedly adult books (chosen in consultation with me) It's prevented her from losing interest in reading.

She is being a normal 13 year old re screen time/friendship drama etc

You sound over invested in the minutiae Noonar

Is she your only child?

If she moves school is not the message you are sending something along the lines of "when you get bored/things get a bit tough don't worry darling you can go somewhere else"? After Y9 you will have to stay put for GCSE studies - what happens if these issues arise again at that stage? Don't our young people have to learn that in life we often have to just suck stuff up sometimes?

thanks everyone. some really useful advice here.

homebythesea, i have another dd who will be starting senior school in september and we get the offers of places at the local comp tomorrow. we then have to make decision for both dds. there is a year 9 intake at the comp, as we are close to some weirdly age phased middle schools, and so we are at a key decision making time. so although i can see you might think i'm sending dd a msg that she can go elsewhere when things get tough, we would not be exploring this option were it not for the fact that we have to choose between these two schools for her sister too. i didn't mention dd2 in my OP as she will do well anywhere and likes both schools. (although i can see that it seemed odd to leave this out of my OP) i really just wanted some clarity on the school that dd1 is at already and how much impact the school might be having.

we are erring towards the comp- largely due to the fact that we do't feel the current school is that amazing. if i seem over invested, its possibly due to the fact that maybe i am...right now...in this moment...as I'm worried about making the right decision in 2-3 weeks' time. after that, we'll relax and run with it.

callooh. i think you may be right. and its also dd's perception, too, of course, although i fear i may now be perpetuating that.

if dd moves, she go straight into year 9 and start GCSE options immediately. she is keen to rise to this challenge and enthusiastic about a broader ranger of subjects on offer. this may be the kick up the backside/ shift that she needs.

We banned screen time during the school week on the advice of the teacher and our dds concentration and participation has noticeably improved. The teacher said you can always tell the kids that have screen time during the school week apart from the ones that don't.

Ok that makes sense re timing

However all the other stuff = being a teenager and I'd like to bet my rather large mortgage that issues re screen time and friendships will be exactly the same at another school. It's what they do. Our job is to grit teeth and endure

I also have a 13 year old girl who is slapdash, disorganised, sulky and friend and instagram obsessed! It is certainly disappointing and frustrating but pretty common.

I would not rush to attribute what sound like completely normal developmental issues to the school.

My DD attends a private girls school and whinges a fair bit about some of the teachers. She is not doing too well academically (occasionally does well but it is very patchy) although she is bright. She used to be a voracious reader but now hardly reads for pleasure at all.

I would not rely entirely on your daughter's perception of the teaching - it is impossible for a child of 13 to make a fair and objective assessment of teaching quality.

I suggest making an appointment with the year level coordinator or head of school to discuss your concerns. We did this recently and it was very eye-opening - after dealing with teenage girls for 15 years the Assistant Principal was able to put in perspective for us what is normal and suggest things we need to do to support her / keep her on track e.g. check homework planner every day, monitor her school emails, remove electronic devices at 8.30 pm each night. The A-P also undertook to meet with our DD each week to assist her with planning and time management and give her general support.

If the school is unwilling to discuss and address your concerns to your satisfaction then maybe that is the time to consider whether the school is not right for her. I'm sure that if the school is aware that you are so unhappy that you are considering moving your DD they would want to know about it and have the opportunity to address the issues.

Good luck.