ETON - will DS fit in?

[MillwoldGold]

My DS been wanting to go to Eton for ages. He passed the entrance exam and interview, and was offered a place and a bursary. We were as excited as he is: we are enormously impressed with the school and every single member of staff whom we've met.

However, we're starting to feel a bit apprehensive.

We are a very ordinary middle-class family (semi-detached suburban house, Ford Mondeo, bits of Boden). DS is currently at prep school (I know - someone will tell me this is not ordinary, but we have help with the fees) - but not a snooty prep school: there is a reasonably broad social mix.

Our slight fear is that DS will feel completely out of his depth once he gets there. I am quite sure that there are loads of boys at Eton who are completely normal and who have had Completely Average backgrounds (rather than the landed gentry/braying toff stereotype) - but could someone please reassure me that this is the case?!

On top of everything else, DS has had a very hard time at school up to now, as he's clever, unsporty and very, very difficult. I would hate for him to go to school 4 hours away from home and find that he's miserable because he's a misfit yet again...

IME the others boys won't care about his background my DS has never found it a problem, or the few that do make it a problem are generally disliked by all.
But you have to be realistic even if 20% are on bursaries and that's a lot the other 80% and not going to be normal or from "average" backgrounds, they will be very wealthy because in the real world only the very wealthy can pay 35k plus extras in school fees a year (probably at least double that because most have two children if not three), they will live in large houses, drive expensive cars, take expensive holidays and have 1,2,3,4 holiday homes around the world. You and your DS should not be intimidated having all of this doesn't make you cleverer or a better person.
Eton is also very big so plenty of opportunities to find like minded friends and there are also loads of opportunities outside of sport although I do believe sport is compulsory three days a week. If I were you iPod find out what sports are on offer during games it varies enormously from school to school.
Let him go and hopefully he'll have a time of his life and enjoy all the wonderful things Eton offer, it's a once in a life time opportunity.

You will get lots of reassurance from here from posters with experience, particularly with him having more of a chance of fitting in and making friends at Eton than at a standard prep school. However this is a chance for you to experience the pastoral care there. Why don't contact his future housemaster and chat things over and arrange another visit or for him to stay over there. I am sure that you are not the only family to feel like this at this stage.

Thank you for your very kind reply! It was the 20%/80% bit that was starting to scare us, as that is an awful lot of super-wealthy people. DS already feels hard done by due to relative lack of pocket money/expensive gadgets (while our family generally sets no store by such things, DS does!), and I wouldn't like him to feel like the 'poor relation' (though even if we were well-off enough to afford to pay full fees, we still wouldn't buy him expensive stuff on principle...)

Our main feeling is, as you say, that it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and that DS should grab it with both hands. Your kind message is already reassuring!

Summerends - your message appeared as I posted mine! That is a very good idea. Our experience thus far of the school is that they positively welcome approaches from parents (a new experience for us...), so we will give them a go.

I can't believe that I am posting on your thread as I'm no supporter of private education, but you might find this radio 4 broadcast with the head of Eton interesting.

It is inevitable than many of his peers at Eton will have expensive gadgets often in the multiples, loads of pocket money, although schools often try and restrict how much money pupils have but parents ignore this sadly and of course expensive clothes etc. But this is life, wherever he goes he will meet people with more than him he needs to get used to it as soon as possible. I know this sounds hard but it's an important life lesson.
My DS has many incredibly wealthy friends, with matching life styles, a world where swimming pools, 8+ bedroomed houses huge gardens, stately homes and owning land as far as the eye can see are the norm, many have 3-4 brand new iPhones (why?) a couple of iPads, expensive lap tops etc. This has been his experience of school friends since he was little, he has no "normal average friends". He neither covets their possessions or lifestyle in fact the complete opposite. He's learnt over the years that having all of this doesn't make you happy. He's seen his friends parents go through terribly acrimonious divorces, two mothers have died as have two siblings, he know some have alcoholic parents and he's even once witnessed domestic violence. He's very popular with all despite being from a "normal average background" and being a little eccentric.

I imagine it is a perfectly normal response to be feeling apprehensive and a bit wobbly.

tbh - and this is only my small experience of 3 landed gentry families, they all tend to have the most normal down to earth children, able to mix with all sorts as they need to communicate daily with their estate -workers-- Its the new money types that are the snotty ones…

What a life changing once in a lifetime experience - he must go for it !

Thanks for all these thoughts. I had expected a roasting for even daring to mention Eton...

I do slightly fear that my DS will fall into the 'coveting' camp when it comes to iPhones and so on (he is apparently the only person on the planet who doesn't have any kind of smartphone, never mind an iPhone - though seems not to notice that DH and I don't have them either... ) Our other DC seem generally un-fussed by whatever other people at school might have, as they are happy in their own skins. DS, though, is generally not happy with himself, so I think he attaches too much importance to material things (i.e. 'I'd be more popular if I had an iPhone/Playstation/Whatever'...). So my fears are partly about how he'd react to being around a wealthy/privileged peer group. If I know there are 'normal' people there too, I would hope that he'd find a niche among them!

I imagine he will be unable to avoid the disparity in ownership of things and holidays but is that a reason not to go? These situations rear their heads throughout life - like my non-drinking daughter going to Uni. It's a case of is it worth it? Unless there are other issues (which others will help with as my only experience of Eton is a close friend of mine when there eons ago and who is one of the loaded ones - or would have been.) I would think this is an opportunity not to be missed!

Millwoll my DCs may hanker after some possessions including iPhones but actuall,y like you would do ,we hold back and my DS is fine at a similar type school. Some of the boys there will have incredibly expensive watches or clothes or headphones or holidays but as middleclass and others say it is actually a good life lesson that none of these define a boy or his friendships. I think like every parent whose DC says 'everybody has one' you can repeat the mantra 'many don't' even at a school like Eton.

Well done to your DS OP. Mine has just started his third year and is loving it.

Like you, we were a bit apprehensive about the disparity in wealth/background, but it has been a complete non-issue, nobody seems to care, least of all the boys. They are typical teens and just all want to the be the same. If anything, the boys from very wealthy families are more likely to be on the receiving end of a ribbing if they turn up with obviously very expensive stuff, whereas my DSs ancient phone (DHs old work phone) was a big hit with the other boys because it was so unusual.

In terms of pastoral care he will get a lot of support, not only from the staff, but the other boys as well - quite a lot of it he probably won't even be aware of. In the Tony Little interview linked to upthread, he talks about it as an invisible net. They are quite used to dealing with boys who are a bit more highly-strung.

It is such a strange place, because it is such a competitive and macho environment, but it is such a close and nurturing community at the same time.

The teachers don't care (well actually they're proud not just to be teaching rich kids), the boys don't care and the parents didn't seem to either.

You shouldn't choose any school purely because of the brand no matter how famous. Having said that, if he really wants to go for the right reasons, then he should... Eton may not be the right school for every boy even if they get in...as someone else said it's important that a boy feels "happy in his own skin" wherever he goes. Too many parents look at the school first then their child, it should be the other way round. The question is not what is the best school in the world of course but what is the best school for my particular boy.

Sorry - have not had chance to look at MN!

Indrid, your comment about the boys being supportive of one another is music to my ears. DS's experience thus far is precisely the reverse (though as I said, he's also his own worst enemy...)

Grovel, that is reassuring!

Prospecta - don't worry, we have never chosen 'brand' when choosing schools for our DC. We have gone for positive gut feeling in all instances except one (there were other imperatives involved in this choice; if there hadn't been, we would never have chosen it as our gut feeling was 'not that impressed').

It's hard to know where our DS would feel happy in his own skin, as he spends most of his time at home and at school feeling unhappy in it. That's the main reason we are so keen to try to find the school where he is most likely to be relatively happy...

Ah, sorry your DS feels like that about school Millwold, and tbh, some aspects of formal schooling even gets in the way of real learning which is why I am sure there are many home educators out there.

There is much more to education than A stars at GCSE...but you wouldn't think so in terms of how schools are judged in the obsession with league tables

As for Eton, I know parents who want Eton above all (and sometimes for brand reasons without even considering dispassionately about whether it is the right school) and others who can afford it but wouldn't dream of sending their boy there because they just don't think it's a good fit there and it is just too much of an "institution" for them in the sense that you will forever be known as an OE with all that entails.

As you said, gut feel is probably all you can go with and if you feel Eton is the best fit then you should go for it.

Wealth in the prep my kids go to varies from struggling single mum in rented flat to family that owns one of the biggest airlines in the world.
No-one gives a shit about any of that. Some of the old money families only really socialise with similar, but generally everyone rubs along fine. And the only kids that give a shit about that kind of stuff are the ones you'd not want your kids to mix with anyway.
There's one family who have never had any kids back for a play date or sleepover and we all think its because they live in a small terrace. We feel really sorry for them, not because they aren't wealthy, but because they care about it themselves. That's just really sad. We judge people on whether their kids are kind and mannered, not on the ousts they live in.

Thereshallbeasprin - we have found exactly the same in the preps/independent schools that our DC have attended thus far. There has been a reasonably broad mix.

I suppose Eton just seems a bit more scary, as it seems (from the outside - though, it's true, not from the little bits we've seen of the 'inside') to be a whole different world from provincial prep schools...

When is you DS going to start OP? Have you chosen your house yet? Do PM me if you don't want to put that on a public forum.

If he is the sort of child who notices other people's stuff then I think you need to be very clear with him about what you can and can't afford to/are prepared to give him. There will be incredibly rich people- and if he is inclined to be dissatisfied with his lot in life, it's likely that he will be comparing himself even more.

But if it's somewhere he's always wanted to go, then point out the disadvantages and give it a go.

There is a little bit of me wondering why you think an unhappy, difficult child is going to becom less unhappy and difficult at boarding school, though.

Indrid - will PM you!

Hakluyt - yes, he is one who notices other people's stuff (unlike my others, who are generally blind to it).

Hakluyt - there are several other issues involved in our choice (again, I wouldn't like to go into that on a public forum). We have spent three years thinking about this, and boarding does seem the best all round for this particular child.

"there's a little bit of me wondering why you think an unhappy difficult child is going to become less unhappy and difficult at a boarding school."
I have to admit that was my first thought on reading what the OP has said not because it's Eton just because I'm not 100% convinced that boarding especially full boarding is always a great success for the unhappy or difficult unless it's caused by a significant problem at home and to add on a an unhappy difficult child that falls into the "coveting camp" and one that attaches great importance to "material things" to make him more popular.
We're not loaded but my DS has a iPhone as I believe does everyone else have one or the equivalent in his yr/house. If at Eton 20% are on bursaries so in a boarding house of 60, with 12 in 5 years about 2 a year so the other 10 are going to come from wealthy back grounds, bursaries are also confidential, it may not be obvious whose on one, not that it should matter. It's likely that your DS friends are more likely to come from those not on bursaries who may have lots of expensive gadgets. The very wealthy have unhappy difficult children too! Your DS is just going to have to accept that he can't/doesn't have these things and also accept that not that having them will not make him less popular. My advise give it a go, if he really hates it you'll have to take him out
OP has you DS done lots of boarding?

My dcs school fees were paid by their grandparents as neither DH nor I seem to have what it takes to earn a lot.
We certainly haven't got a swimming pool or tennis court.
My children have never had top of the range kit, electronics etc.
Eton was the best thing that ever happened to my ds, and he never felt out of place because his parents were less well off than those of some of his fellow students.
When children are living cheek by jowl in a boarding house it's personality that is relevant, not parental wealth.

"When children live cheek by jowl it's personality that counts"
Absolutely, this is why I'd be slightly concerned how an unhappy difficult child will manage at any boarding school. Forget your home circumstances OP, if I was you I'd be apprehensive about how your DS is going to fit in if he's difficult and an unhappy personality.
You must liaise extensively with your HM and discuss your worries so that at the very least he can keep an eye on him. I don't know how much of a role the matron plays at Eton (it varies enormously from school to school some are more like house keepers some very involved in pastoral care) but find out and if she has any kind of pastoral role speak to her as well. No one can make other children like you child but they can ensure that he's not treated unkindly by others and made to feel worse.
Difficult unhappy children do settle into boarding but they'll obviously take longer than happy go lucky out going popular children. They do need lots of support and TLC especially in the begining.

I wish I could say more about our reasons for choosing boarding, but can't on here!

Extensive liaison with the HM is obviously going to be a must (and the former Admissions Tutor was fully in the picture, and was brilliant about DS - which is one of the many things that made Eton seem like a good choice).

It would be lovely if DS did find a few boys who liked him, but we will definitely settle for him not being treated unkindly and made to feel worse. The latter is what he has experienced for the past X years, unfortunately.

I would listen to what happygardening says. She knows a lot about this stuff.