ETON - will DS fit in?

[MillwoldGold]

My DS been wanting to go to Eton for ages. He passed the entrance exam and interview, and was offered a place and a bursary. We were as excited as he is: we are enormously impressed with the school and every single member of staff whom we've met.

However, we're starting to feel a bit apprehensive.

We are a very ordinary middle-class family (semi-detached suburban house, Ford Mondeo, bits of Boden). DS is currently at prep school (I know - someone will tell me this is not ordinary, but we have help with the fees) - but not a snooty prep school: there is a reasonably broad social mix.

Our slight fear is that DS will feel completely out of his depth once he gets there. I am quite sure that there are loads of boys at Eton who are completely normal and who have had Completely Average backgrounds (rather than the landed gentry/braying toff stereotype) - but could someone please reassure me that this is the case?!

On top of everything else, DS has had a very hard time at school up to now, as he's clever, unsporty and very, very difficult. I would hate for him to go to school 4 hours away from home and find that he's miserable because he's a misfit yet again...

Yes, she is fantastic (as is everyone who has posted here, in fact). I am listening very carefully!

MillWollG is your DS musical as well as academic or into something else? I am assuming he must be otherwise he would n't have got through the pretest. He will find like-minded boys in whatever his interest lies but they may not be necessarily be in his house. Is he 'difficult' because of problems with 'social cues'. Again there will be a number of boys like that amongst the very bright and musicians.

Summerends - will PM you later!

I know Eton is single rooms but in fact friendships and learning to understand another child and therefore like them often occurs in a dorm at night because this is the only time boarding children have the time and space to get to know those who are shall we say not obviously likeable as soon as you meet them does that make sense?
My DS spent the first three years in dorms at his senior school and often had to share with boys he wasn't I initially drawn to but once he's spent a term in a small dorm with them in the vast majority of cases he grew to like them.
Most children will accept even the "difficult" and "unhappy" but they do need a chance to get to know them. A couple of friends who've recently sent their DS's to Eton were a bit disappointed by how long it's taken for them to make friends I personally think the single room thing doesn't help.
The big problem with boarding is lack of privacy and life is very full on especially at a busy school like Eton. Is this likely to upset your DS? You say you live four hours away do you have any relative/friends close by who can take him out of school on the odd Sunday just so that he can have a bit of space/privacy? Most boarders when they come home don't want to do things they just want to sit a do not a lot, bloody computer games, TV, listen to music very loudly, walk the dog. Boarding is a very busy life and first years even hardened boarders are usually exhausted by half term and on their knees by Xmas so those few hours away on a Sunday can really help.
My DS's advise to new boarders which might help your DS; be yourself, don't try to be liked, sit back watch and let people come to you, don't run off to the HM when ever trivial misdemeanour happens, don't ever "tell" on a friend or for that matter someone you don't like when they do something they're not allowed too, you will loose the trust of everyone, physical aggression is very frowned upon by the boys at my DS's school again the others will be very upset and back off and avoid you and don't fret about your position in the math or history class at his school certainly no one really cares. He would also say don't worry if you don't have an iPad/iPhone/Saville Row suit or drive a average car, again no one at his school cares. Boys tease each other, this is normal, in the vast majority of times it's harmless banter, tell him to laugh it off, few then persist or take it any further than kind friendly teasing. Boys also roll on each other, push and jostle again the vast majority of times it harmless.
This is from a child who is always described as "very popular" by his HM.

Brilliantly put, HG

Another thing to bear in mind, MillwoldGold is that your DS will change a lot in the next year or so. I assume that he will be starting in September 2015 at the earliest, maybe even 2016. I know that my DS matured a huge amount in his final year at prep, so that when the time came he was much more ready for the new challenges awaiting him.

Two other comments that are probably more relevant to the very bright, gifted but socially find it difficult.
Firstly in schools like Eton, Winchester etc there are many more very gifted and they are respected and liked generally even if they are often 'in their own world'. However boys find it harder to be friendly with those who are arrogant or always think they are right and impose what they want to do on others or wish for all the attention Doing that with similarly bright, talented people is certainly the wrong way to create positive relationships. In a 'kind' boarding school you will be tolerated by your peers but will not develop much two way communication whether whilst making music or in the classroom or relaxing.
Secondly, encouraging a routine of self organisation in the few months before entry will remove some of the stress for a DS who needs continual prompting from adults.
MillWillG of course much of that may not be relevant to your DS.

OP I can't tell you whether your DS will be happy or not but given the school's recent press announcement I'm hoping that any non-billionaire baiting will be seen as distinctly uncool in coming years.

Prettier link.

In haste after another long day... this is all fantastically useful stuff. I still owe two PMs, so will try to do it tomorrow, once there are no children to 'help' me!

Zero I am guessing that schools with similar ethos and aspirations are envious of Eton's financial resources and 'generous' endowments that have allowed this. They have managed this on top of maintaining old buildings and improving state of the art facilities (I hear that there is even underfloor heating in the changing rooms ).

Well the schools may want to emulate these aims - but I've seen MN parents (at less well endowed places) protest that they don't want their hard earned fees going to the undeserving poor...

OP Ex-Etonians I have known always speak of the "very comprehensive" education that they received. I'm hoping that the stated determination to live up to their founding principles and the drive towards needs blind admissions will provide a continuing macro-lesson in good sense.

Zero that is a bit unfair. Parents at Eton are paying no more than other similar boarding schools, there is just a larger pot of money from donations and possibly better financial returns due to school size and management . I would be surprised if any parent would protest at paying the same fees, improving facilities and expanding the number of bursaries.

my cousin's son has just started at eton
yes they have a detached house in surrey and an x5, they go skiing most years and the odd city break here and there BUT they both work ft, they aren't dripping in diamonds, they don't have any other houses around the world.
they're pretty much the same as many parents with children in private school in London/Surrey.

Coming to this discussion late but MillwoldGold, please be assured there have always been princes and paupers at Eton throughout its history. As a matter of fact, the School was founded for the paupers. And with all the boys today wearing the same very smart uniforms (with the exception of the 70 King’s Scholars who wear an additional gown over their uniforms) you wouldn’t know who is a prince and who is a pauper! And what’s more, it doesn’t matter to anybody at all and nobody had ever asked.

What really matters to the boys, the masters, the School et al is what you are capable of. It’s not what background you come from, nor the castle/council estate you live in, nor the worldly goods that you possess; but what you can contribute to the School in terms of academic brilliance, sports, music, drama etc. It is on these bases that a boy is judged.

Countless number of parents and boys (including our family) had encountered the same anxieties that you have. To date, I’ve not met one single person who says their anxieties/fears came true. Indeed, quite the opposite as most of the parents cannot wait till the next occasion when they are due to visit the school again. Just ask IndridCold In my son’s block previously, there were two sets of parents who would take every opportunity to travel 8000 miles from the Far East to Eton even if it meant for a couple of days. So 400 miles is quite local by comparison.

There was talk up thread about the supposed ‘difficulty’ in making friends when boys have their own private rooms as opposed to living in dorms. I find this most incredulous. It is quite obvious to me anyone who makes such a suggestion has never stepped foot inside an Eton house, never mind an Eton room. In a school like Eton where boys spend 90% of their waking hours with their peers on any given school week, it is a god sent to have your own room where you can crash out and do your own things. If a boy cannot make friends in this environment then I hasten to say the boy has some serious problems. No, you don’t have to also go to bed together, thank you very much!

But I’m concerned OP, you said your boy is ’very, very difficult’. To be honest, I don’t know exactly what you meant but what makes him behave like this?

Peteneras, this is fantastically useful. I will DM you.