Senior Tutor has sort of accused us of having hidden that our son is on the child protection register.

[TroubledPreteen]

My son has some problems at his secondary school.

Last week he got some detergent in his eye and had to go to A&E and on to an eye clinic, missing first period in the morning. We took a letter in to school from the eye clinic explaining why he had been off.

I have now had an email from school saying that the hospital nurse rang school to inform them that our son is on the child protection register, and why have I not told them when the paperwork clearly asks for this type of information.

He is not on any register. I dont know what the school is playing at. I rang our GP who then spoke to both the hospital and social services to confirm that we are not on any register. GP confirmed that and said there is nothing on the paperwork from hospital that suggests that some boxes have been incorrectly ticked either, and GP thought it was very strange and did not make sense at all. GP explained how the child protection register works, and that there is no way we would be on it without knowing.

I think that the school is trying to "scare us" with this. Son has not settled. He has been bullied since two months into the school year. He has told the school, and I have spoken to the senior tutor myself about it, and said who the main instigators are. My son finally lost it recently and punched one of his bullies, so the school has recommended we leave. They say it will be impossible for my son at the school now, as they predict the kids will ram up their treatment of my son as a result of this incident, making school life impossible for him. They say they cant be everywhere and ensure all is fine, and my son is now a liability and a ticking bomb.

Of course it does not help that son stopped reporting the incidents when he realized it made things worse for him, as it meant he was a snitch.

I really dont know how to deal with this and help son. Not sure what to do in regards to the school also. I feel so sad that it has turned out this way.

Son is meanwhile on the waiting list for counselling and anger management. Ironic really, he would not be angry and frustrated if he was not bullied.

But the main thing is, why do you think the school has come up with this nonsense of my son being on the child protection register?

I would think it is probably just an administrative/communication mistake than anything else.

Is this a state school? If so, they should not just ask you to leave.

Although given that they have not dealt with the bullying properly, you might want to anyway.

If this is a state school you should be: a) looking for another school, b) be making a lot of fuss.
A state school cannot ask you to leave without going through a lot of steps. And being on the child protection register is no reason (if anything it is a reason not to exclude a child).
If it is a private school - well one good thing is if they ask you to leave, you may not have to pay a term's fees. I would still be moving him.

Please move your son and ensure his safety - this school is not. Being bullied can have lifelong consequences, especially if not dealt with adequately.

It is an independent.

They have a zero tolerance bullying policy. They just dont define anything as bullying. And a child shouting "I am going to R your mum" outside the school gates, is not an issue with school. A child taking another childs pencil case and throwing it down the staircase is also not bullying, it was just a single incident (like all the other ones are) which was a bit mean but nothing to really be upset about, because "boys will be boys".

The waiting list is long, so I am sure they have my sons replacement lined up, and it is easier for them to get rid of the bullied child, as in their view, HE is the trouble maker.

We are making steps to have him moved, it is just taking time, and it is not certain we fulfill all the admissions criteria at the other school. I will know early next week. This is the state sector.

I am just in two minds if we are going to try move him to another independent, one he was offered last year but turned down, or the state school.

If the school is that crap about bullying, I would be leaving without being asked. Or do you have no feasible alternatives? But I would also be kicking up a stink with the governors about the inaction on bullying, and possibly writing a letter to the independent schools inspectorate or whichever organisation is supposed to be overseeing it.

The school is blaming my son, saying it is the way he is that causes the other kids to bully him.

We are not rich. We wanted a good education for our son. Not sure we have the means, financial or otherwise to to start any battles with the school. The head is very biased towards the super rich.

Gosh just get him moved. I really wouldn't spend time wondering about the whys and wherefores of one particular incident when your priority is getting him the hell out of there. It sounds bloody awful.

Once he's safely out you can start making waves including contacting the local authority who will be responsible for health and safety in the school even if it's independent. You can also take legal action for failure to meet their duty of care regarding health and safety if you are so inclined... or you might just want to move on and leave it be.

Focus your attentions on getting him away.

take him out now

it must be nearly the end of term for indpendent schools

It's not worth his life being made a misery and the school sound shit on bullying

He has got most of his exam results back. He has mostly As and Bs, and achieved the second highest mark and a merit in one of the subjects in his entire year group of 120 kids. You'd think the school would be more keen to nurture and help able students. He started out with top grades in everything, but started dipping as the bullying started, then made an effort towards the exams.

If the paperwork is found to be all in order by the new school, he will have an interview, and can start right away to get to know his new classmates a bit before the summer holidays.

The school is not behaving in a competent manner at all - their response to the bullying is astounding. Plenty of schools try and deal with it and fail, but to actually state a policy like victim-blaming at the outset......

He is obviously clever - hopefully a state school with a good top set / stream will value him and support him.

Have you discussed bullying issues with the new school?

I have not. I am not sure they will want him if they realize he is bullied?
I worry they will think he is "damaged goods" and that they will just think it is "in his mind only" if he reports he is bullied in the new school.

You know what they say, once bullied, always bullied, as your confidence levels are so low that you behave a bit ... erm....needy.

My son was bullied for 18 months in his last school. He was 8 It was bad physical and mental attacks. I kept him at the school because I really wanted to believe that the school and his teacher cared about him and wanted the best for him.
Then I realised, it was a searing moment of clarity really, that they didn't have his best interests at heart, he didn't care about him and bottom line they were not interested in protecting him.
So as you did I got him some counselling help, I removed him from the school on a Friday and he didn't go back on Monday.
He has some time at home to recover ( this he really needed, to feel safe and strong again) until a space at his new school became available.
Sad is it is to say OP some schools don't care. Their actions and words towards you and your son are showing the do not care. It's not personal to you but there it is.

Ime independents can be useless with bullying.

They want the money, the grades and no hassle.

It will be nothing new for a bullied child to be forced to leave.

TroubledPreteen - it sounds as if you have both been badly affected by this. A bullied child is not 'damaged goods' and they won't not want a victim of bullying!

Apart from anything else state school are only allowed to offer places based on their admission criteria and ceratinly are not allowed to refuse a place to a child because he has been bullied!

Any reasonable school does not view the bullied child as the problem!

Many of the Appeals to state schools you see written about on MN are precisiely on the grounds that he school parents are appealing to has good pastoral care and a good response to bullying because the child has experinced bullying in primary.

Before you send your son to the new school I strongly advise you to ask about their anti-bullying policy (it should be published on their website) , how they deal with bullying - and tell his tutor and Head of year that he has been bullied and traumatised so that they can look out for him and put something in place.

You need to talk to them. Otherwise how do you know he isn't going form frying pan to fire?

My DC's state secondary has an excellent response to bullying - my friend shoes DC was experiencing the first stages of bullying was amazed at how immediately and definitively they dealt with it. You need to know that they can be trusted, they need to know to take care of him.

"once bullied, always bullied, as your confidence levels are so low that you behave a bit ... erm....needy."

That's why the school need to know, and that's why the school need to give you meaningful re-assurnace that they have actual strategies in place - to support your son (DC school has confidence building programmes for discreetly identified kids, and special 'safe' lunch clubs where kids can go and chill in a supervised space, for example).

Sounds like they should know then. The school is outstanding, and with very good pastoral care, and also a competent special needs department, so in all a very inclusive school.

It doesn't sound great but I'm pretty sure that only a few months ago you were praising the school and your ds was v happy there

Is this a sudden breakdown or have things been building up for a while

The school would know if your DS was on the CP register as SS have to inform them and they would be part of a care plan that's drawn up for all children in this situation.
Independent schools are often not very knowledgable about CP because they have relatively few although they should know about simply things like being on the register.
The best case scenario is that an error by the hospital and it has been have been incorrectly documented in your notes by AN Other that your DS is on the register and then a nurse following correct procedure informed the school of your attendance, she would also have informed SS, who would have commented if you weren't on the register, so it strikes me that your DS might have the same or very similar name as another child who is on the register. I would go back to the hospital make an appointment to see PALS or whatever we're meant to call them these days and request an investigation. If your DS was on the register then this is IME is actually documented on your computer generated notes, so something has gone wrong. Was being on the CP register mentioned when you were at the hospital? The staff should mention it to you because they need to know why your on it, SS are also usually rung immediately you present in hospital to find out why. So something doesn't make sense here.
The second scenario is the school is making this up and trying to make your life unpleasant enough that you will leave. If this is the case I find it extraordinary and would be packing my bag even without the bullying problem, but if you add in the bullying problem as well I probably wouldn't even bother to pack my bag I would just not bother to go back on Monday.
What ever you do please sort out how the hospital thinks your DS is on the register when he's not.

I have experienced the child being bullied part of this and DC was happier pretty much instantly on starting in new school. Until then we had been told by independent school that it was not bullying and what was happening was all DC's fault for being over sensitive, misunderstanding things and having poor social/friendship skills. We also looked at both state and independent options for new school and went with the one that was most positive about anti bullying policy and that DC had best chance of integrating in with friendship groups, as already knew some children there, which happened to be the state school. We advised new school of background and they were fantastic - ensured buddys allocated on arrival, we had no repeat issues or "over sensitivity" experienced and DC returned to former self.

Now is a good time to move - DS will have a few weeks to meet other pupils and teachers will be able to work out correct sets before new term starts in September. Please move him.

It looks like things will be sorted with the new school, we are meeting the head on Thursday.

My eyes are well and truly opened regards the current school. It was sports day on Friday. They would not let my son participate in any events. They say it was because he hurt his eye 2 weeks ago. I think it is because he is not sporty, and would therefore not help his House win. He sat on the side like a cheerleader the whole day.
He did the second best exam in touch typing, got a 68 word per minute speed. Yet, in the school newsletter, the children with 70 w/m, 64 w/m and 63 W/m were celebrated as the three top kids. This is like a constructive dismissal, is it not?

We have not yet told them he is moving schools, but a solicitor told me that I need to get to the bottom of their assertion that we are neglecting him, as they may now have him down as "On the CPR", and this may follow his paperwork to the new school.

I just dont have the energy for this kind of stuff.

I would disagree with the solicitor's advice. Focus on supporting your ds and making the transition to the new school the best it can be for him.

Even if the old school were to put something on ds's record about child protection, the fact is he is not on any register and never has been. If the question arises, the new school can easily cofirm this with social services.

Good luck with the visit to the new school on Thursday.

I am not going to make a point, I think you are right my efforts need to go towards supporting my son.

At the moment he feels terrible. He feels he has fought hard to get a fantastic school place, and fucked it up. He wants to move, but at the same time, he says he loves the school, and likes 90% of the teachers. He now know how to stay away from bullies and blend in. He has learnt a lesson a very hard way.

He is going to go to the bus stop every day, and see his old school mates walk past, as the school is just down the road from us. We will go past the school nearly daily.

I am so so sad for him. He even said, if he had the choice between this school, and the one he is going to now, he would still chose the school he is now leaving. I dont know exactly how we will work through this, as a family, and go forward.

I agree with 'school nurse'.

It is also correct that he can not be on the register without you knowing and without the school knowing.

I moved my child because of bullying. It did not repeat in the next school. I would suggest somewhere extremely small. These big prep schools with the rolling grounds are not always ideal for vulnerable children.

Keep well yourself and when you are moved and happy a long letter to the governors would be helpful.

I'd be complaining at that attitude in a state school. let alone a fee paying one.