Can I ask for support and ideas to help me help my DD please?

[Sonnet]

I am worried about my DD and am struggling to know how to help her best (ie come down hard or not).

A bit of background: Each year she seems to perfom less well academcally. I have had her "tested" as such as she has shown to be slow at processing and have a poor working memory.

I have identified myself through observastion that she is scared of school work and avoids when things become tough. This manifests itself in ignoring any tests and using the excuse " I didn't do badly, I just didn't revise"

Even though this may out me, printed below is an email I received today from her teacher. Whilst I am concerned about her poor performance it is actually her attitude that concerns me most:

*I just wanted to email you with regards to xxxxx progress in science this term.

I'm afraid to say that I am a little disappointed with her efforts both in lessons and with regards to her attainment in the last test (Magnets and Electromagnets).

In class I am finding her more and more unwilling to put the expected amount of effort in to her class work, as well as behaving in the correct fashion - for example working silently when asked to.

In her most recent test she managed to achieve 25% or 11 out 43 (a result she will receive today). As you know we have certain expectations of xxxx, and I feel that although I have confronted her about this attitude towards her work, and provided the opportunities for her to have the extra help she requires, she seems unwilling to make the effort in return.

I know we have spoken in the past about this, and I just wanted to update you on the current state of affairs, and I hope you will continue to support us in encouraging her to achieve as highly as she is capable of doing. *

I don't want a big row tonight, it s counterproductive. She has end of year exams the week after half term. In my shoes - what would you do?
TIA

It certainly sounds as though your daughter dislikes school. TBH I'd be coming down hard on the, "I just didn't revise".

To be brutally honest it sounds from your post as though you are enabling your daughter. Work with school to get her working, involve the SENCO if needed but stop letting your daughter coast or she'll have a big shock when she starts work.

Is she Year 8? Ask her year head to find out if any other subjects are effected. What's her friendship group like?

Perhaps you could arrange a meeting with year head that your daughter attends too? Perhaps together you can find out what is going on.

Thank you both.

appreciate your brutal honesty LilRedWG - I posted to get brutal honesty. How practically do I get her to work - she thinks she does... I have helped her with revison, helped her do revision notes. School have helped. This particular Teacher offered her help, she didn't turn up! She is just not bothered. In this particular instance I have asked the teacher to make her re-sit the test on Monday and i will revise it with her over the weekend. I have asked him to come down hard on her re her behaviour with detentions as opposed to "loss of house marks". Planning a strict talking to tonight.
CherryBlossomSmile - in all subjects she has a similar attitude but as she finds Science hard it makes it worse. She is in bottom sets for most things. I have had meetings galore with school and they have not had much effect. I am slightly embarrassed to have anotgher as they offered her extra help for Science but DD won't go.

I am tempted to remove her ipad and stop her going to a party this weekend - her attuitude needs to change but I don't know how to change it

If I received an e-mail like this, I'd contact the sender and ask to arrange a meeting to discuss an action plan for how my DD could move forward. Beforehand I'd chat to my girl to establish what the problem is (can she understand what is being taught?, why is she not concentrating?, does she need additional help ?) I would get on top of this now before it becomes a downward spiral.

Sounds as though you have it planned well for this weekend and I'm sorry I sounded so harsh, I truly didn't mean to. . It may be that you physically sitting with her is what's needed.

Good luck.

Sorry Sonnet I cross posted I did not see your update.

Mumoftjemonster's plan is good.

She's only year 8 - would reward chart work? If she attends after school science for a month she gets a new hoodie or something? Or cash? Cinema trip?

We do reports at our school where they are set 3 targets and each teacher gives a mark out of 10 - then seen by the parent and head of house.

Yes, I think there need to be consequences - maybe not this weekend losing the party as that will seem very unfair to her without warning - although you could demand she does and hour/90 minutes work with you on science test before she is allowed to go?

I would really value the communication from her teacher. This means they care about your daughter, believe she can do well and see you as a supportive parent.

Somehow you have to tackle this belief that she can't do well - she has to value what she can do. What subjects is she better at? What choices will she be able to make next year for GCSE?

What are her friends like - is there a way to encourage her that way? How about homework club? We have one staffed by TAs and also a homework cafe for older students where they get help and a snack from the restaurant.

Good luck - don't lose faith.

she lacks self esteem and self confidence in academic matters. Thinks she is "no good" and it appears to becoming an increasing self fulfilling prophecy.

You could be talking about my daughter! If she's in year 8, she is just turning 13 and has a lot of stuff to handle. Is she in a girl's school? You bet she'll have a lot to handle. I do think it is great that her teacher is communicating with you, and I'd and meet up with her teachers and work out a concrete action plan. Don't reward or punish her, but try to see if there is a way to make learning fun again, and make every little success a way to confirm her self esteem. This is an age were a lot of girls start worrying about themselves, and the academics would be almost the least I'd worry about. Don't know how it is with you, but me as mother getting involved in homework and learning seems to make everything even worse. Could you imagine some one to one tutoring by a third party? Just getting that full attention of a non parental party can do wonders - and remember she's a teenager, love her!

Mumof themonsters808 believe me, as soon as I received it I phoned school and then left a message asking him to please phone me. I followed that by an acknowledgment email. I have spoken to him. I am just grateful they have not given up on her. To answer your points:
1.Does she understand - No. The teacher has already offered to go over it with her prior to the end of unit tests. She will not go.

1. She is sitting with a group who are all chatting BUT whilst they are finishing the classwork and perfoming okay my DD is not. I have asked him to move her and to come down on her hard with detention for her behaviour.
2. She is having additonal help in a group for English Comprehension.

Thank you for your advice Mumofthemonster808

LilRedWG - I needed your inital response . Please don't apologise.

littlesupersparks - thank you for your comments. This is what I need to do: Somehow you have to tackle this belief that she can't do well - she has to value what she can do. What subjects is she better at? What choices will she be able to make next year for GCSE?

She does her homework - I make sure. Her friends are hardwroking and achieving. I will not let her go to the party unless she has done revision. I had such high hopes for this year and she gets so much support from us. i have tried and tried rewards and bribery. I have praised and praised the things she has acheived this year. I have concentrated and rewarded effort not results but somewhere I am missing a trick. She moves up to the Senior part of the school for Year 9 and I do think she needs a change but it will not solve the issues.

ephpa95 - you have hit on something there - help from us meets with resistance.

she is at a mixed school ephpa95. She is very happy socially, has lots of friends, gets invited out lots etc. I will speak to her though and see if anything is worrying her, thanks.

If asked, she loves school just not the lessons!

You say she is getting additional help with English Comprehension.
The language level of science is quite high - lots of specialist vocabulary that is not met anywhere else. Is this causing some of her difficulties?

Need to go - thanks for the advice, I will be back later

Ah, good point Donki. I had not thought of that. It has been said that her oral understanding of Science is greater than her written so there is a possibilty she dosn't understand the question. Thank You I will look into that.

My DS1 is poor at processing/working memory bottom 2% of the population but highish IQ top 5% of the population labelled "dyslexic" but no problems with reading. He's consistently under performed although now in 6th form and only doing four subjects he likes things have improved significantly. Over the last 12 years of his schooling I have read heard listened to endless comments very similar to your email. I have also explained endlessly that his "dyslexia" profile affects his ability to process information onto paper (writing in other words), his ability to follow instructions and his organisational skills in terms of day to day and again when writing etc. For him school work is like writing with your hands tied behind you back, he lacks confidence in his ability believes he's going to get it wrong so doesn't start it in the first place, when you have processing problems starting things are difficult any way. There are times when his innate ability comes through but because it's such hard work for him it's very erratic, do well in one lesson and your mentally exhausted for the next. Life is a tremendous effort all the time.
Would you come down hard on a blind man for not seeing something, or a legless man for not walking? Do to get me wrong it's exceedingly frustrating and it's easy to get cross/frustrated but imagine how those with processing problems must feel especially if they're bright it's all there in your head but you can't get some of it in and most of it out. One analogy we were once given: "porche engine, lawn mower gear box". He once told me he goes to write, knows what he wants to say, knows the answer but nothing happens. As predicted when it was first diagnosed there has been times when his mental health has been affected.
Sadly I don't know the answer we had frankly virtually given up, no teachers listened to us, but I do know (as we were told by the ed psych who did the first assessment many moons ago) that things get better after GCSE's and that they do learn to cope with it.

Meant to say that we are endlessly told if he could speak the answers he would get A*'s across the board bar math his particular phobia. This seems common with those with processing problems,

Omg Happygardening you are almost describing my DD. So glad things are working out for your DS.
There is a lot more than I have described in this one thread. Your detailed response is fantastic and I need time to read it again when I am not multi-tasking . Thank you for taking the time to post I will come back to this later.

Keep communicating with the school. Set small achievable targets for her with a reward if they are met.

Stay positive about your dd. she could just be in the famous Year 8 dip.

Fear of failure?

Lots of kids who have flown through primary school and get high targets at secondary get very worried the closer the big exams come. Some, instead of buckling down think if they don't try, then that's okay because they only failed the test because they didn't try.

You say she needs extra help with reading - do you know her reading age? Or better standardised score? If it's less than 85 she will qualify for a reader at GCSE - we provide ours with a reader, extra time etc at ks3 - if it's their usual way of working then it's an extra argument. The special arrangements are nothing to do with dyslexia or any other 'diagnosis' - it's very numbers-based. If she can't understand the question when she reads it - how can she answer it?

Keep going. Supportive parents are the best asset for any child who is struggling at school xx

Hi Sonnet - I sympathise with you! My DD is in yr 9 (youngest in the year) with a few dyslexic issues. Tonight I looked on mumsnet for some guidance as I feel so upset after our "discussion/argument" about her lack of revision (or even thought) for her end of year exams. I have tried to help her revise and when she is in a good mood and listens to me, she can do well in tests (English is always a struggle) but I can't spoon feed her all the time.. she will never get herself motivated that way! She is angry and rude tonight, she didn't have the first clue WHAT to revise for French, although you can bet your bottom dollar everyone else in her class will know. She is at an Independent school and they are very supportive BUT even though they try to help, like your daughter she simply forgets to turn up at support lessons and leaves all her books at school all the time! I think doing badly in her exams makes her feel stupid and then it's vicious circle. I have just had the strict talking to… not sure it had much impact - I don't know what to do either….I feel totally helpless. Did the iPad thing work with you? You see she uses her iPad for school work. Should I ground her or giver her more help and love and attention? HELP!!