To move at 11 or 13?

[Mumtogremlins]

My DS has recently moved to a prep school in year 5. He's struggled to make friends and does generally find it hard to make friends quickly as he's a bit quirky. The school obviously want him to stay on until 13 but I think he would be better off moving at 11 as he could then start with all the other new children and not struggle to break into friendships at 13. The private schools do have an intake at 13 but less than at 11. We are also thinking of the local state school as that is ok.

I would like to leave him until 13 due to the benefits of keeping him in a 'cosier' environment but need to think what's best in the long run

Any opinions on what is best?

Thanks

Agree with everything summerends says....

I would be reluctant to send any very clever child in my own family to a non-selective school if they could get in to a selective. I'm sure they could access equally good teaching at the non-selective but the peer influence would be different.

You've said that it's the learning that's making him happy at the moment. At a selective school everyone recognises that everyone else is there because they are good at learning. 11 year olds are quite keen to acknowledge cleverness. So it will be quite clear that doing well brings respect all through the school.

I am not saying the non-selective won't have clever children. Of course it will. But there will be other cliques who get respect for other things... I think that can be confusing for a socially insecure child. "Which gang do I want to be in?"

Ps Are you sure about boarding? Can be very rewarding for a quirky child.....

I second the boarding thing for the quirky. Boarding schools usually have a wider range of extra curricular opportunities to choose from, the quirky are often more accepted as the other children have more time to get to know them and friendships are not just based on time spent together mainly in classrooms. The only thing I would say is that at nearly all boarding schools sport is integral to the curriculum, most children will spend at the very least four afternoons a week doing some sort of sport and usually for younger children in particular choices are limited to the main sports rugby football cricket rowing etc. This can be a source of unhappiness for the very non sporty specially those who loathe team sports.
Of course boarding is significantly more expensive than day.
I also second the second the idea of bright quirky children in selective schools, I'm convinced the reason DS2 is very happy is that not only has he found like minded friends at his super selective school, he also has learning opportunities on a scale that could not be offered in a non selective.
Having said this you need to decide whether your DS would be happy should he find himself in the middle or lower at a selective or happier at a the top of a non selective. This is probably a difficult question to answer.
The quirky probably are slower to make friends and have fewer friends, often through choice, than the gregarious conventional rugby obsessed child but I think it's quality not quantity that counts for them and again IME they are popular with other who I suspect quite like someone who's different but they are often slower to form strong friendships. He has only been there a term it's not long and is in yr 5 surely you can keep all your options open for a bit longer.

Hi OP - some thoughts to add.

If your DS found the primary school disruptive and he was unable to concentrate, how would it be any different at the local non selective secondary? It'll be the same kids and more.

And many prep schools do help to prepare for the 11 + intake - by way of example - many boys from Cranmore or Barfield or Danes Hill for instance take the RGS exam at 11 and either go straight up or defer til 13 - so your HT should be able to help you with that. In my son's case he took the 11+ exam and secured his place and stayed at his prep because I didn't think he was ready for the move. He didn't then take the common entrance exam but obviously followed the same curriculum.

So you do have options for either route. The proportion of the intakes obvious varies by school, but for RGs for example, at 13 + entry the new intake of boys are all put into the same forms so all are in the same boat. ( about 3 forms worth out of 6). They then all mix together for all lessons from the fourth form. (At least they did a few years back). So i imagine other schools follow something similar. So no problem making friends and integrating.

Summerends - maybe I was naïve in thinking he'd find more like minded friends at the generally non selective prep. His year of boys are a bit boisterous for him!

Zero - I hadn't really thought about non-selective kids v selective. I guess I need to think a bit more about what will really suit him. It's hard to get an idea of what a school is like from an open day though. I'm not so keen on boarding due to selfish reasons - I don't want to send him away, although I might change my mind by the time he's 13! Also, he's a very different child at school to at home, and really needs home time to unwind as he's very serious at school. I think he would struggle being in a school environment all the time. Also, as happygardening says, he 's getting better at sport but is never going to be a sportsman so would hate to have to do it all the time

Happy - he does seem to be very choosy over his friends, they have to be as well behaved as he is! And if there's no-one he likes, he's happy on his own. But everyone needs friends so he has to be encouraged a bit.

Beckandcall - I really have to think whether the state secondary would be the same as his junior school in terms of disruption. It would be a different town so different children as we're moving, but it could still be similar

That's good to know that about RGS putting all the new boys together. DS's tests indicated (at the moment) he is borderline for RGS standard so not pinning my hopes there. Trouble is, we don't have many other choices near by, within easy travel distance. I didn't know you could take the 11+ the defer - I thought you had to either do an 11+ paper or 13+ and choose before taking it as they are different?

This won't be helpful exactly.... But my instinct is that if a nine year old boy is causing this much puzzlement (to his Dm and a bunch of interested onlookers) he probably does have something interesting about him. And that it might be worth considering all possible options - not just the most obvious.

I was struck by your saying he's not gifted. Bet he is! At something. Maybe he doesn't know yet.

Boarding is not "sending away" btw... Something to think about in the new year?

Thanks Zero. He loves science, history & geography so will be good at that in future probably. He also struggles with friends as I've noticed that he prefers to talk to adults. He just loves his teachers! I would love to send him to the most selective school possible so he could meet like minded children but worried about the pressure of the tests as he does worry.

In terms of boarding, I just wouldn't want to not see him. We've had a tough year with my younger DS being diagnosed with leukaemia, and I just want to make the most of them at the moment and spent time with them. Plus the cost of boarding is so much more

I'm not doing anything urgent so I'll bore you some more...

Start with the boy - not the schools...

What is he telling you - by his behaviour rather than his words?

He's currently at a mixed school. What will suit him best next? Is he competitive? Independently minded or mummy"s little shadow? (Sorry) You've said he's in his own little world. What makes him talk?

Decide what he's like. Then look for some schools that fit him.

(And be grateful you have some choice. I'm very aware that most people do not.)

Sorry x'ed!

Things may have changed since my DS did the entrance exam, OP, but most of his year will have taken the 11+ entrance exam at the same time - including the majority who entered at 13. Presumably the school then compares them like for like with the boys who will be their year group, whether they come the next year or 2 years After that. That's my guess, anyway.

He says he wants to go to a school where the children are well behaved. Doesn't help much. He likes being friends with girls but won't admit it so I think co-ed would be slightly preferable. He is very competitive, to the point where he doesn't want to take part in case he loses. Not so much with academic stuff though, as he's more likely to be near the top in class. He's very independent, never needed me much but is very naïve and more interested in encyclopaedia's than x factor.

There are not many private schools which are easy to get to from where we are. Apart from being boys only, RGS would suit him, but obviously not thinking he will get in so need one back up at least

OP Don't answer if you don't want to but could part of his unsociability be because school fun seems a bit superficial compared to worrying about his Db?

He does sound a serious soul. But you do still have a little time to think surely!

Should have been a "?".....

We've not told him exactly what's wrong with his DB otherwise he'd look it up in a book and start worrying. It does affect him when he's in hospital but generally his main focus on school is learning and I wish he'd enjoy himself a bit more. He does relax at home though and act like a 3 year old. Others have said he is a serious soul but he does have a fun side they don't see.

Thanks for all the advice!

These may be unhelpful ideas depending on where you are but Kingston Grammar and Reigate Grammar are on the up and might suit him as really go out of their way to see the individual.Check out the transport links.

These may be unhelpful ideas depending on where you are but Kingston Grammar and Reigate Grammar are on the up and might suit him as really go out of their way to see the individual.Check out the transport links.

Thanks - I would definitely consider both those schools if we lived closer but not on train or bus routes there

It is easy to assume that selectives/super selectives are full of nice eager, well behaved children swotting away morning, noon and night. But often the super bright are boundary pushers, loose canons, questioners of everything which I suspect could become tedious, and of course quickly bored. Many of these schools make an effort to broaden the individual subjects as much as possible but even they can't avoid eventually knuckling down to the requirement of the exam syllabus and the super bright often find the prescriptive requirements tedious to say the least and this does not necessary result in impeccable behaviour!

What other private schools have you looked at?

The super bright can also be very lazy because everything comes effortlessly I'm not trying to put you off but you just need to be aware. I wouldn't send my super bright DS anywhere else.

Be aware that Reigate Grammar are starting to pretest 13+ candidates in Yr 6 .

I had a similar situation with eldest DS, i was luckier in the sense he had been there since reception and friendships were't a problem but when we asked the parents of his classmates. many of those leaving at 13 were all going boarding and DS wasn't and felt at his school if you wanted day school you left at 11.

Well that's the thing isn't it? It really would be pointless to stay at a prep till 13 if you're then going to join a school that most people enter at 11.

I'm still struggling to understand the concept of a prep that isn't primarily about CE. It makes everything so uncertain and difficult for parents to be sure of what to do for the best.

My son, is also eccentric and quirky and loves learning, and also made few friends at prep schools except with teachers. We kept him at the prep school because he wasn't very streetwise, and thought he'd do better as a big fish in a little pond.

He got on very well in the last 2 years there, and now, 1 1/2 years into life in a Surrey senior school, he is well settled, with good friends who are also quirky, and often girls, too. He changed so much in those 2 years, and I think we made the right decision for him, which allowed him to grow at his own pace. His prep school is quite forward thinking with some lovely teachers. Good luck.

I would add that my son was being prepared for a scholarship and particularly loved doing the CE scholarship courses, as they stretched him a lot*, and then after CE he had a term of fun learning including attending a university undergrad lecture in something he had an interest in. Would your son be doing scholarship?

Mine didn't have any close friends in his year in the last 2 years of prep, so I think was lonely there but the learning made up for it. However now he has friends in his senior school from the 6 th form downwards.

Where in Surrey are you?