Tell me the lovely things about having a child in secondary school

[3birthdaybunnies]

Dd1 is only in yr4 but everywhere on MN and in RL seems to be doom and gloom when they leave primary - sent home for the wrong trousers, detentions, loads of homework (1.5hrs/night from local selective - in 11+ area), mega expensive school trips which we can't afford, bullying, etc etc. And that's if you even manage to secure a place in a half decent school less than 2hrs from home which you vaguely don't dislike.

So tell me why I shouldn't find the biggest roll of cotton wool and wrap them in it from the end of yr 6 until A-levels (not actually a serious suggestion but need to find some more positives and of course I am all happy bouncy and excited whenever one of them mentions secondary even if deep down am filled with dread)

Dd has just started yr 7

School is a 20 minute walk away
She's made more friends in the last few weeks than she ever did in primary
She's loving the opportunity to take part in more clubs/sports
She can access the library when she wants and is already on first name terms with the librarian who is suggesting some great books
The food is apparently better than primary

And the best thing....

She turned round to me the other night and said to me 'do you know what mum, I can't ever remember being as happy as I've been since starting high school'

And I was worried??

No school run

SENCO who actually knows something about dyslexia and tries to help. Nice TA to chat to when the world gets a bit much.

Choirs and library so DD1 doesn't mind having no friends and can dodge the bullies (school can't fix the fact that DD doesn't fit in, but they did their best - see above)

Real art and lots of music. Good maths and English teaching. Interesting history. Science could do better, but she can do that at home.

Teachers who don't mind being emailed and some who even do their best to fix things.

The result if the above is DD1 is now doing music and drama GCSE and loving them. Despite the fact both require lots of the dreaded group work.

She even in a very low key way has friends.

Yes trips are expensive, but they have been good.

As for DD2, she just sails into the top sets, makes friends and wraps the teachers round her little finger.

Oh and joins any sport club going.

No change from primary there.

Ds is in year 7 and loving secondary school. He enjoys the independence and having proper french, science and cookery lessons. Lessons are tailored to the child's ablity as there is more setting. Unlike primary the extra curricular activites are free and there is more choice.

I actually like the tougher discipline policy. Unlike ds' primary school there are unpleasent consequences for distrupting the lesson. One lad who had been a total pita at primary had the shock of his life when he got put into internal isolation for swearing at a teacher.

Children of secondary school age like structure and the push to be independent. Many year 6 children have outgrown primary school and need the challenge of secondary. It is a big step up, but necessary if children are going to get the best education possible.

As a parent it feels strange that I don't get to meet most of my son's teachers. Certainly secondary is far more detached than primary.

I've been much happier with the DC at secondary than primary. DDs 1&2 were practically invisible in primary, both quiet achievers. As soon as they started secondary their talents and skills were recognised quite quickly (probably due to having subject teachers) and their confidence grew from that.

I've loved seeing them become more independent and it feels like they've really grown into themselves. They've both loved the opportunities available at secondary.

After a pretty 'meh' few years latterly at primary,DS1 has blossomed in Yr 7. He is good at stuff and teachers like him. This is new for us.

He has more independence and gets the bus on occasion. This is a big thing round here as we are semi-rural and most children get ferried around by car.

He has made lots of new friends and being taught by subject specialists is fantastic.

The resources at a secondary school are so much better than a primary school. Your child has 14 teachers so it is not so horrendous if they have a personality clash with one of them.

They really start to grow into themselves at secondary, as others have said they are more likely to find like minded people, take more responsibility for themselves and just generally develop. Mind you, I think finding the right secondary for them is important for all that, I don't mean the one with the highest position in the league tables or the best ofsted but the one that can bring out the best in them.

The teachers actually just pick the phone up and speak to you. IME there is none of the subterfuge. If there is a worry or a problem, a real human speaks to a real human. Amazeballs.

Thank you for starting such an encouraging thread. Have just completed dd's application for secondary and was feeling very worried. I'm now hopeful she may be spotted more in a bigger school - she is invisible at Juniors

Agree with Oldboots- Definitely about finding the best school for YOUR child.
My dd was always then quiet one, diligent but ignored student at primary. I always felt that she had more to offer. I was right
At secondary, she has blossomed . She loves school and is doing extremely well. Secondary school has definitely been the making of her.

Well my third has just moved up to secondary (eldest is in Yr13) and none of them have
....ever been sent home for wearing wrong uniform
....had a detention
....been overwhelmed with homework (OK, in 6th form, ds sometimes does a 3 or 4 hour session, but then other nights he does very little, and during the first 5 years he did a very small amount)
....been bullied
....bullied anyone
They have brought home letters for expensive school trips (well, the older 2 so far) and they have all survived being told that it's not going to happen.

Don't get me wrong - all mine enjoyed primary and I'm not going to say one is better than the other, but they are right for the dc at that time of their lives.

Particularly my youngest absolutely loved Primary, and was telling everyone in the Summer Term how she didn't want to leave, is really enjoying secondary - it's because they are ready for it, when they get to that age. Fret not!

Also little miss perfect (DD2 mentioned above) has lost a few feathers getting detention for German HW.

This is no bad thing, she can be unbearably smug.

Also agree with Oddboots that kids become more mature in their thinking well some of the time anyway. I was always amazed at how learning happened for my son. Primary was gradual and steady but in secondary I see him generalising new concepts across subjects all the time. They will also become more aware about issues and causes. I'm seeing that big time at the moment and I love how my sometimes moralistic boy is challenged and extended in his thinking. He will debate anything with anyone now. I love the way his social conscience is called upon in the classroom and that he feels able to assess situations and give forthright opinions. Considering he couldn't express his needs starting primary he's come a long way to be able to do this. I was choked up when he said one day he wants to explain to the other kids what it's like to have autism as they could be future parents of ASD kids. He said he wants them to remember him being the kid in their school who had autism and that would give them encouragement.

I teach secondary and one huge positive I see is that the students who may have struggled to find their niche among 30 other children at primary, are able to find like-minded peers, be it in the writing club, chess club, gardening or Magic the Gathering.

1200 students (my school) is so many there will be people who have your passion in common.

Also of course the range of subjects taught, by specialists in that subject, with a true passion for it (cannot imagine having to teach PE to DS2, in yr 6, must be a nightmare as he knows far more than I do).

And so many more interesting opportunities in those lessons - food tech practical, science in a lab, making real things in tech, drama o a real stage, maths in a setted group where everyone else really is at your level...

My eldest was bullied at primary and became withdrawn but he went into secondary 3 years ago and has never had a problem with bullying :) He has made lots of friends and his academic performance has gone from very good to excellent.

Thank you, it is great to hear all the positive stories - dd1 is middle of the year but until recently has struggled with the basics - yet has a great grasp of humanities, every teacher has commented on her good understanding of the world and people - so hoping that will be encouraged. She does love her primary which only has 30 in her year and she says she never wants to leave.

Unfortunately being a selective area we have the do we/ don't we tutor, are we at church enough for references etc angst already, when actually she has almost 3 yrs to blossom into children like yours. Keep the positive vibes coming please!

Both DS1 and DS2 are enjoying secondary more than primary for the following reasons:
Specialist subject teachers who really know and love their subject.
A wider pool of peers from which to find friends.
More autonomy in their learning and increasingly being treated as a young adult.
From Y9 there is some choice over what subjects you study.

I like it because they can get themselves to and from school and do their homework with minimal input from me.

DD1 is in Year 7. She is growing up very fast ... but in a good way! She is relishing having interesting work, in lots of different subjects, with proper equipment and specialist teachers. There is quite a lot of homework, but not an excessive amount and - importantly - it is MUCH more interesting than the endless SATs revision which was her Year 6 experience!

She has joined the rock climbing club, which costs money, but not a ridiculous amount.

She can buy food that she actually enjoys eating in the canteen.

And I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that the school communicates with parents in an adult-to-adult style, responds to concerns promptly and makes effective use of 21st century technology. No more scruffy letters and coins in envelopes - it's email and online payment all the way - hooray!

DD has been there six weeks and is keen to go every morning.

DS has been there 3 years (moved in yr 8) and is devastated at the thought of leaving next July.

(My kids are very weird.)

Grammar schools here in case that makes a difference.

All 3 of mine had "outgrown " primary by the start of year 6 if not before. They were bored, the other kids weren't " like them" ( with the exception of dd1 who was welded to her best mate from year 3 to 13). Ds was bullied for being a geek too.

They all absolutely blossomed in year 7. Ds had honestly never been so happy in his life. Other geeks, teachers who cared that you new lts ch more about what they were talking about- and didn't belittle you for mispronouncing stuff you'd read. Oh and the joys of real rugby ( not my favourite bit!). He's still ds with a string since of right and wrong that can be a problem (he got detention for pointing out to another boy you shouldn't laugh at the signing demonstration in assembly - but was the one caught talking !)

The girls loved year 7 too. Dd2 has had some friendship issues due to bitchy immaturity in year 9 but now she's year 10 all is fine.

For me - no school runs, no worried re inset days are all good.

If your child is at the top of the year group I'd try grammar entrance.the challenges and possibilities are huge - there is no ceiling for instance on clubs/ orchestras/ drama. If you are good enough you play with the big kids - and they don't mind. You get to know kids n all years.Slight issue with that now as ds is year 13 and his older mates have left :( so there maybe no mor barbershop - he misses them.

I guess I notice it more with ds than the girls as he is a sensitive soul still, but being unusual s normal and valued. Ds hasn't ever had an issue with his first instrument being recorder for instance and there was a year 13 boy who sang sporano ( like the chap on ? X factor) .

Homework generally fine ( the kids do a lot of out of school stuff too) .

The best thing ime is that you see them growing into their own person, gradually making more decisions about the person they want to be , negotiating their own relationships with other adults and taking more and more responsibility for their own life.

I no longer feel the urge to rush in and sort everything out for them because I can see that they are getting to be capable, independent people.

I don't wish to be stuck forever in the past because I like the people they have grown into.

And now and then I have to recognise that they actually manage things better than I would do.

re detentions:

When ds failed to live up to his potential in primary the subtext was always "oh poor little thing, he is so shy/not very bright/young for his age".

In secondary they adress him directly "these are things we know you are able to do ("stop distracting your friends/ do as the teacher tells you the first time/ do your homework), if you fail to do them these are the consequences".

Guess which approach is better for him?

A reasonable detention isn't likely to cause unsurmountable trauma to a child who has ever had disciplined at home for a perfectly reasonable cause.

It can be traumatic for a parent who now has to come to terms with the idea that they will not always be negotiating between their dc and the rest of the world, that their dc is developing their own independent relationships.

But that is the whole idea- that they are learning to grow up. At 13, ds, though still my sweet gentle little boy, is also big enough to be allowed out on his own and solid-looking enough to strike terror into the soul of some nervous little pensioner unless he knows how to behave on his own in the outside world. I am grateful to the people who are teaching him.

Growing independence, increasingly interesting conversation, so many activities to choose from, new friends as well as the old, increasing self confidence and happiness with who she is, far less homework due to the pace of lessons being appropriate, variety of teachers, no longer being a big fish in a little pond!

No more:

• world book day dressing up
• easter bonnets
• fetes worse than death
• christmas fayres
• school closed to be a polling station
• tiny chairs at parents' evening
• special assemblies

By comparison, secondary is all good!