Confident speaking! A preserve of Private?

[Erebus]

I was only thinking this a few days ago when a good friend told me how her 16 y.o. DS, at 6th Form college, had flunked the interview for a Saturday job where they're 'never knowingly undersold' . He's a quiet, shy lad but absolutely lovely, capable of talking one to one with an adult but wouldn't for instance wander into the sitting room where his mum's friends were chatting and strike up conversation, iyswim. He and she are gutted, but I wonder if my as yet Y10 would do any better?

By his own admission, this lad spent the interview (which appears to have been in front of several people) mumbling at the floor. He was told that 'he wasn't the type of lad the store was looking for'...

Another friend mentioned how they'd had friends around for lunch and how the friends' Y12 DD spent the lunch in engaging conversation with the grown ups (whereas her Y8 DB spent the non-eating bits with my mate's DSs, Ys9 and 11 on their ipods in another room). My mate is a bit perturbed that all of these DCs go to an academic, selective private in a major university city and that she'd sort of hoped that her own DS, Y11, would have been able (or willing?) to chat to the grown ups, too, but didn't... however, I believe her DS can in that he chatted away to me quite happily back in the summer when her boys and mine returned from an adventure holiday, to our house, before his parents came to fetch them. The mum was relieved to hear this, though the boy concerned has known me all his life!

However, the fact remains- if your DC isn't theatrical, i.e. doing drama, is there a practical, non-contrived way to help them learn how to communicate confidently with adults? Making eye contact? Smiling and listening appropriately? Major public schools seem to manage it- how?! I mean, where, realistically, do our DCs get the chance to talk to adults unless you're a social butterfly and are always out and about with your DC? State school teachers don't have the time to 'make' each child stand up and articulate what they're trying to say with appropriate encouragement and tutoring, do they?

I had friends who spent a year in the Victorian state education system in Oz. They weren't blown away, all in all, but she did say her DC had 'public speaking' as a primary school curriculum topic which she thought was a good idea.

Not private but grammar here. Kids are given many opportunities for public speaking eg presenting assemblies to the whole school ( initially as a group of lower year kids and now DS is yr13 he has recently prepped and presented an assembly of his choice).

I agree if confident speaking ( and positive listening) is modelled by friends and family children pick it up. Also I think the encouragement to speak up from really young eg asking for a cake in a cakes hop, paying for it yourself and saying thanks.

I know some are naturally shy and need to be encouraged out of their shell. but the ability to say something to a random adult in an appropriate way is a really useful skill to cultivate.

Sthing - sadly although we all can and should talk to our children and prepare them for life on their own vast numbers of people just don't and without being able to give you research to back this up I'd be willing to bet that the children of those parents go to state schools.

At the risk of coming over all Katie Hopkins this is a fact of life, obviously there will be exceptions but on the whole if the school doesn't give these children life skills they won't get them.

The posters on here will conform to this or will be the exceptions as this is a self selecting forum of the articulate and involved.

MrsCakes talks a lot of sense and I completely agree with her advice, especially to force yourself to say something as soon as you can.

My dd has always been painfully shy - never wanted a speaking part in primary school plays etc. she has really benefitted from doing LAMDA public speak

Oops - hit the wr

Hit the wrong button twice!

Public speaking exams. These were offered at her school alongside music lessons. I was really surprised she wanted to do it but she has enjoyed it and I'm sure it's helped enormously. I think changing school for sixth form also helped as her new classmates didn't know her as the year 7 who was so shy as to be almost selectively mute.

I had been concerned how she would ever manage an interview but LAMDA plus growing up means that while she'll never be extrovert she'll be ok.

Both comp educated DSs have always been confident speakers. Youth theatre helped, I think.

You could encourage him to do some volunteer work that involves some form of customer service (charity shop), speaking to new people (care of the aged), approaching people (charity collecting - for free).

Encourage the behaviour that Mrs Cakes mentions. My parents insisted on us helping out at social occasions - passing around food, drinks etc and we had to put in a couple of hours before sloping off to watch TV. They weren't immensely social but by the time you have had to tell your parents work colleagues/neighbours/random collection of motley crew all about yourself over and over, you got over it.

Sthing I wasn't ascribing future success to attending fee-paying schools in any way.

MrsC No, no! I phrased it badly... I wasn't disagreeing with you in any way as regards what the skills actually are. But I thought the OP was asking how these skills could be instilled organically in children who are not instructed in them formally.

i think confident children seem to come from confident parents rather than from private school

Dd's school do English speaking board exams as part of the curriculum starting in juniors - not sure if you can enter as a private candidate. Music teacher prepares them - things like reciting poetry.

Also more opportunity for speaking parts in assembly/plays as small class sizes.

Nothing to do with Private IMVHO.

This bit is more telling : Another friend mentioned how they'd had friends around for lunch and how the friends' Y12 DD spent the lunch in engaging conversation with the grown ups (whereas her Y8 DB spent the non-eating bits with my mate's DSs, Ys9 and 11 on their ipods in another room)

Children who sit at the dinner table every day and hold conversations over a meal naturally are not exclusive to those going to private education. Surely whatever their schooling, it is, as others have said, about practice, and that happens in all sorts of situations from when you are very young - from the infant being encouraged to pay for their own sweets in the shop, or go up to a stall and have a go on a game at a Christmas fayre, etc.,etc. Including family meals being whole family affairs.

My dc don't go to private schools but have spoken publicly in schools, in Church, through their Scouting, as well as conversations with people they don't necessarily know well / count as their friends, since they first started to talk.

IME it is worth getting them to prep for situations where they will want to naturally retire.

Even if it is a bit forced, it is better than silent mortifcation! DH says he enters any room/meeting with relative strangers with a few questions up his sleeve.

As for public speaking...well you need regular opportunities to do it! It's simply 6not^ the same thing as being confident in company. Public speaking requires a completely differents kill set. It isn't easy but it gets much easier with regular exposure. Like most things I suppose. And any good school will build that into its curriculum.

My experience of having a shy child (and an absurdly confident one) is not to make the child feel bad about being shy, they can't help it after all. However, I don't accept it either. I won't expect the same type of interaction but I do expect confidence (even if it is feigned).