Who chose which secondary your dc attends, you the parents or did you let your dc choose?

[MilkRunningOutAgain]

dS is in yr 6 primary and wants to go to a secondary with the majority of his school friends. It isn't a great school, it required improvement 2 years ago though now has a new head and perhaps it will improve. The problem was low results, the school takes in a cohort of above average attaining kids and turns out a cohort of below national average kids 5 years later. No behaviour problems at the school that I know of. dS likes to get away with doing the bare minimum and I don't think the school will stretch him, he'll coast along being relatively well behaved.

We moved a year ago, left DS in his old primary as we are currently renting and not sure where we will eventually move to and at the tmie i thought i didn't want to alter the dcs school more than absolutely mecessary. But the catchment school where we are now , and I think we'll buy near here when we can find a house we like, is really good - at least dp and I think so. It gets excellent results, has great sports facilities ( this would suit sporty DS), and generally a good reputation and good ofsted.

DS is a horribly stubborn child and has really started arguing every night (it's helping his debating skills!) for the school closest to his primary. He is genuinely upset at the thought of going to a school away from most of his friends. And he's a child who hates change and is likely to find the whole change to secondary stressful at the best of times.

I am genuinely upset at the thought of him attending a school that may not get the best from him, he can be bright, his mental maths are excellent. Plus now we've moved and can get into a good school.

There would be no problem in getting him into the school he wants to go to, it's undersubscribed.

What would you do? Apologies, I've written too much. And I can only get on the Internet every other day or so, I won't be able to reply for a while, assuming there are replies that is...

My Dad chose my school - 3 miles away & I only knew 2 people. At the time I hated him for it cos my friends were all going to the school I could see from my bedroom window. He explained it was cos my cousins went there & weren't brought up by their parents or the school to have aspirations for their future. At the time that isn't mean a lot cos I was 11 & wanted to be cool!

In hindsight, he was right. It was a good experience to go & make new friends & that is something that has stood me in good stead ever since. It also meant that at 16, when moving to sixth form, not only was I more used to that new environment, I also had a friendship group from home & one from school & had friends all over the place. At 16 that's definitely cool (even if your friends aren't!)

There was no negotiation in out house. It was decided where I was going cos I was the child & they were my parents.

DS chose his school, I was quite happy for him to go the catchment school. He mentioned this one as his friend was going to look at it and he loved it from the second he walked in. As it happens, so did I, and I wasn't too impressed with the catchment school though it was our 2nd choice.

DS has done really well at the school, I'm really pleased with it.

I'm going through this again next year when my twins move up. At the moment they are insistent that they want to go to Ds1\s school, even though none of their friends will probably go there (only 1 other from primary went up with DS1 to his school) They don't seem bothered but we will look round the catchment school too.

I can't help feeling that I gave DS1 the choice so his brothers should be free to have that choice too.

I wasn't given a choice, my mum sent me to a school I really didn't want to go to, where none of my friends were going, and I had an awful few years as I'm so socially awkward. Then she sent my brother to the school she refused to let me go to! That's probably why I'm so keen to let my lot have their say.

Mix of both really.

Took DD to the open days and 1:1 visits. Took her opinion into account and aded our own thoughts. discussed it together and agreed on first choices.

We did it together - but in your shoes I would ensure that he ends up in your new location.

Because if his choice is mainly about friends in the longer term it will be better if he settles with friends local to your new house and has school friends near by.

Try the open days, go to any events, and see if you can help him make friends with a local (at your new home) child. Try Scouts, or something.

And tell him that now you have moved house his address is too far away to go to the one near his primary.

Mix of both. If multiple options for you to be able to get into, then select two/three of schools which you would be happy tf or them to go to. They make the initial decision- saying they have a preference for this school, for example, then sort through reasons WHY and hopefully this is therefore the best school available for them- something they and you want.

I've let ds choose but that's because our options are excellent, we're really fortunate where we live. Dh and I would decide if it was different though. Going with your mates wouldn't be a good enough reason imo of the school wasn't what we I wanted.

Our choice was a combined effort - but DD was sensible and engaged in the process, and the one criterion that she herself discounted was where her friends would be going.

In your position I'd send my child to the better school, especially as it will probably also be the local one.

When I went to school back before the notion of 'choice', virtually all my primary friends went to the same school - but my class only contained one girl I didn't know that well (though we did become friends) and within a couple of years I had a whole new set, none of whom had been at my primary. Going to the same school as your mates is no guarantee that they'll stay your best mates. Its not something to base your secondary education on.

We all went around the schools together, and had discussions on pro and cons. However, we had the final say, although fortunately wasn't in your situation.

Although friendship is important, children rarely stay with their junior school peers when they get to senior school, and make new friends. Also, we live in a very strong grammar school area, and the children ended up at nine different senior schools - not bad for a class of thirty!

I'd take him to see the school you prefer. Explain in detail why you feel it will be the best school for him and that he will still be able to see his old friends at social events. Ask him to try it and if he really hates it and doesn't make friends let him move.

I'd make a real effort to ensure that he does see his old friends - could they do scouts together?

EllenJane, can you offer lifts to things outside school? Just having a couple of boys in the back of the car for 15 minutes on the way home from sports practice or whatever at least means they talk to each other.

In fact all of DS's friends are from extracurricular activities, not from his form group.

I would only let DS decide if all the options were equal and I needed a tie breaker. In our case DS1 has SN and the school that would suit his needs best is not his first choice, purely as it's not where almost all his class mates will go. We live out of town and so are not in the same catchment as his buddies for secondary school. I can't say to him that his AS is this is the reason I want him to go there. He would be so upset. He doesn't really realise that his AS means he has special needs, as we have tried to big up the positives of AS and downplay the negatives to help his confidence. He would definitely get more support at our catchment school. Both academic and pastoral. It's a better school overall. Ofsted 'outstanding ' rated. Ony 600 pupils. Nearer. It's a no brainer for me. But he wants my second choice. rated 'good' but 900 pupils. "I am telling him that "the government" decides, and so that way I can deflect the blame if he goes to my first choice school.

I chose their schools, at primary and secondary, but talked with them about it, explained what was good about them, and basically sold it to them!
At one point DS expressed a preference to go to the secondary school that most of his friends from primary were going to, but fortunately quite a few of his best friends have ended up going to the school we preferred, and where his sister is. By the time we made the choices he was happy with what we put. And a few weeks in he's very happy there and making new friends too.
I think it would be hard if DC had strong preference that was different from your own, fortunately we've never experienced that. I think it's only natural and good that children care about their friendships but these need to be considered alongside other things. I've been impressed too at how well my Y10 DD has kept in touch with friends going to various other schools, as well as making some great new school friends.

OP, I feel for you as we are having the same dilemma with ds1. He is one of the top in his year at primary (Yr5) but they are a weak cohort - I don't think he's stretching himself currently. Teachers are just glad he is quiet and behaves and does all he's told without extra demands on them...

Have been around the local secondary which is best in the area and which his primary feeds from as they are pretty much next door to each other. So all his friends will be going and he is dead set on it. The school is only a few years' old and so has great facilities and gets good result - very much improved recently, also - but has just had a possible bullying related suicide, and I know someone else whose daughter was text-bullied there. Call me shallow but I also hate the American-style layout with huge corridors filled with lockers.

I have been gently talking up the local private school and we are off to look round soon. I've also signed him up to a sports course that takes place there. I'm hoping he'll gradually come round if it's not entirely unfamiliar territory. Luckily we are in a small city so he will probably end up with all his friends at 6th form again anyway.

We're looking at the moment. Maths brained DC has so far read the prospectus for the three options and assigned a score to key features (his idea....) and has decided to do the same after we've been to look round. I've visited two schools on my own, I was OK about them both but that gut feeling was missing so I'm really not sure what to do at the moment.

We made the choice, so no arguments. Simple as that. I am happy with all of our local schools.

My youngest went up to secondary school this year, and is doing fine there.

My choice. but also open to variants as parental choice is just an expensive piece of bollocks as far as I am concerned.

My choice being nearest school to me, nearest school to ExP, and hope to fuck it went my way. It did.

I wanted school A, Ds wanted school C, so we went with school B.

When looking at a school for ds1 we ruled a school out for similar reasons topic like you I didn't expect a fan fare but the staff basically seems like they couldn't be arsed, they didn't introduce themselves, or say hello etc, total contrast to the other schools where they spoke to us and ds1 and made an effort!

Going to a new school with friends can be a double edged sword, tbh. I remember (still!) going to my new school and being put in the same class as a friend , who promptly spied greener grass, and went off with new friends, blanking me . (I did make new friends, too, in case you were worrying, but it just goes to show....!)

Yes, DS went to a school with his mates and was very hurt when they promptly abandoned him.

DD has gone to a school where she knew no one, and has made half a dozen new friends already, and arranged to meet up with her old friends at weekends.

Same happened to my DS Flatiron and KittiesInsane. Took him a long time to trust friends again.