Who chose which secondary your dc attends, you the parents or did you let your dc choose?

[MilkRunningOutAgain]

dS is in yr 6 primary and wants to go to a secondary with the majority of his school friends. It isn't a great school, it required improvement 2 years ago though now has a new head and perhaps it will improve. The problem was low results, the school takes in a cohort of above average attaining kids and turns out a cohort of below national average kids 5 years later. No behaviour problems at the school that I know of. dS likes to get away with doing the bare minimum and I don't think the school will stretch him, he'll coast along being relatively well behaved.

We moved a year ago, left DS in his old primary as we are currently renting and not sure where we will eventually move to and at the tmie i thought i didn't want to alter the dcs school more than absolutely mecessary. But the catchment school where we are now , and I think we'll buy near here when we can find a house we like, is really good - at least dp and I think so. It gets excellent results, has great sports facilities ( this would suit sporty DS), and generally a good reputation and good ofsted.

DS is a horribly stubborn child and has really started arguing every night (it's helping his debating skills!) for the school closest to his primary. He is genuinely upset at the thought of going to a school away from most of his friends. And he's a child who hates change and is likely to find the whole change to secondary stressful at the best of times.

I am genuinely upset at the thought of him attending a school that may not get the best from him, he can be bright, his mental maths are excellent. Plus now we've moved and can get into a good school.

There would be no problem in getting him into the school he wants to go to, it's undersubscribed.

What would you do? Apologies, I've written too much. And I can only get on the Internet every other day or so, I won't be able to reply for a while, assuming there are replies that is...

We let DD choose, but the circumstances were a bit odd.

We didn't really think about school choice for her older brother; there is only one local school with a bus service, so he went there. It was a disaster, and he moved to a school he much prefers (and probably would have from the start).

DD, who is a very different character, looked round both those schools. In the end she chose DS's school despite the greater distance, and the cobbled-together arrangement of shared pickups, cycle routes and occasional 4-mile walks home. Frankly, she needed to be fully on board with the choice, as she was going to be the one most inconvenienced by the arrangement for the next few years.

She was also the only one going to school B from her primary, so she had several months of feeling like a complete oddity as everyone else merrily discussed which form they would be in at school A.

School B wasn't the obvious choice on paper: bigger, further, historically slightly poorer results (though this year's GCSEs were great, in fact) -- but we're three weeks in and she is very happy.

I am - or try to be - a rather laidback parent. However my daughter when in Year 5 informed me that she wished to take the exam for the local grammar school. I duly took her round there - plus other of the secondary schools nearby - and entered her for the exam. She later get offered a place there.

In some ways it was much simpler than the 'Shall I/Shan't I put my child in for a selective school, that some parents go through.

But I think my daughter is the proactive type!

DD is 22 months so not at this stage yet However my own parents let me choose my secondary school and I remember being pleased that they had. Obviously they did like the school but they let me pick between my top 3 and I am grateful that they did.

DD1 was too immature at age 10 to make her own choice. We looked at the options, then took her to the open day of our preferred choice (which was also catchment school) to sell it to her.

About to look at 6th form colleges now, which will be a different matter. Though she doesn't actually have much idea what she want to do ...

We are looking at schools now. Ds has an involvement in that he comes to the open days and can express his opinion but he knows that they ultimate choice rests with me as his parent.

I never saw my secondary school until the first day of term (and I didn't expect to).

We decided, we looked around a few and took the boys with us but ultimately it was our decision which the boys are aware of. Ds2 would have wanted to go to a more local school where more friends are but we removed ds1 from there as we weren't happy about it.

Luckily one close friend has gone to the school we chose and he has quickly made other friends and seems happy, we picked the school we thought would best suit and support him.

At ten he would have just chosen on the basis of where friends are going/the sweets the tuck shop sold etc!

He chose. And he happened to choose the school we would've chosen

If you've moved nearer to the school you prefer and hes worried about friends are there any local clubs /sports/scouts he can join before going to the school it may make it easier even if they are not friends at least he will recognise faces...

for us - it's our choice not ds's and we are probably going to have to move or go private- he knows already (yr4) that it is possible he won't be going to the one most of his class are going to.....

DS chose- he walked into the hallway at open evening and said "this is the school i want to go to" and we felt the same. It wasnt a local school and until a few years previously had a bad reputation but a new head changed everything. He had to take an aptitude test to get in which he passed and DD got in on sibling priority 2 years later. We half heartedly looked at local schools for her, but she wanted to follow DS.

I think that's it's important to remember that whereas some posters on this thread, who say their dc can choose, will often be comparing 2 schools that are very similar to each other, whereas other families have schools that are very different to choose between. Makes a big difference to how happy you are with handing over such an important decision to a 10 yr old.

We are trying to decide between our 2 local schools. Both have good grades and reputation. One is a 15 minute walk from home and the other 25-30 mins.

There are equal pros and cons for both so may be swayed by ds' choice in the end although haven't told him that. I think he is too young to be allowed to make the choice by himself, but can work with us to choose which would suit him more.

DD has just started year 7. We wanted her to go to grammar school if she passed, she wanted to go to a girls high school with most of her mates. We argued, DH and I stuck to our guns and insisted she went to the grammar. So far, it has been totally the right decision and the moaning about not going to the other school has virtually stopped. We didn't feel she could make that decision at 11

My Mother would tell you to put your foot down and choose the better school, her stubborn daughter (me) was desperate to go to them same comp all as her friends. My parent were regular church goers so I would easily have been able to go to a really good faith school that people would have given their high teeth to get into.

Even I wished that I'd gone to the better school, the school I chose didn't work out so well, it was also an improving school but the facilities were rubbish to the point to being distracting (windows that didn't shut properly in winter and holes in the portakabin walls).

The better school also had a sixth form and most kids saw A levels as a definite option.

In the long run I wish my parents had put their foot down, I can see why they didn't though, I think that I was probably capable of being a right PITA!

I agree with FrauMoose. I made a shortlist of schools and visited them all with my Dad. He wanted me to go to the school that had the best results academically and was also free (one of those state schools that's effectively private as everyone who gets in has either had private primary or tutoring).

I knew it was wrong for me, and insisted on a school that had quite average results but what I felt was a much better atmosphere. I ended up doing very well there. I later learned that the school I had felt 'wrong' about was a complete pressure cooker and a hotbed of eating disorders etc.

All that said - I was a very aware and grown up 10 year old and didn't have close friends going to any of the shortlisted schools, so that wasn't an issue. In your circumstances I can see why you want your DS to go to the more academic school and I do think you should visit them both, together, and try to explain to him why that's your preference. Talk about the long run, the bigger picture, etc. I honestly do think that most 10/11 year olds are mature enough to think carefully about these things even if they will play stubborn on the surface.

I kind of let dd choose.

There was one school we looked at and I said no way to, bad results, uninspiring teachers.

There's a really good school which dd refused to go and look at but I had a feeling it wouldn't suit her so didnt push it.

Then there were two other ok schools and I let her choose between them.

We decided and told DS. DS was the only one to go there from his primary, all his friends went elsewhere. DH and I were more interested in DS getting the best possible education than letting him be with his mates. A lot of schools split up children in Year 7 so that they are in different forms from others they went to primary so they may hardly see their friends anyway. I think DS has actually benefitted from making a totally fresh start and has had a chance to reinvent himself. He didn't have the greatest time in a small village primary school and he loves the anonymity of a large busy secondary.

DC chose. We discussed lots of factors. I couldn't form an overwhelming preference anyway.

DS chose from the shortlist we had provided.

Around the end of Y6 he was in a terrible state about leaving his friends behind and wanted a different school. We stood by the decision, because friendships are fluid. True friends will find a way to stay in touch and meet up regardless of school. Finally, he will make new friends in the new school. Which he has, 3 weeks in. He is very happy with his school, even if he is the only one from his primary going there. He keeps in touch on instagram.

I let DS3 choose the order of his top three. He wanted to go to the same comp as his brothers, despite none of his friends going there. I would have chosen the other comp, where all his friends have gone, but my exH had recently left and DS3 wanted to stay with his brothers. He felt family was more important than friends. The grammar school he passed for was our back up option if he didn't get into either comp as it was a boys' school and in the next town. This was just to avoid the nearby sink comp.

I'm still not sure it was a wise decision. His group of 5 friends are all in the same tutor group at the second choice comp and DS is now very left out. But I hope he'll make new friends. Trouble is I won't know their parents, so I've lost a lot of my social network as well.

I chose dd1's school. I will be choosing dd2's school when the time comes.

For us, the choice came down to logistics, there are 3 schools within walking distance, travel costs to other schools would be difficult for us to manage. Out of the 3 within walking distance, one is so awful I wouldn't send any child there (I did teaching practice there and it truly is terrible), one is really small and can't offer a large variety of options at GCSE, and they don't seem to have very many academic pupils. We went for the third, it seemed like the best fit for dd1.

Pupils from dd1's primary went to about 5 different schools though, so it wasn't a case of us sending her to a school without any of her friends.

I would choose. Wouldn't even think twice.