Year 7 - end of first term and I'm not impressed with DD

[sandyballs]

She has already accumulated 10 detentions. Mostly for forgetting homework, talking in class, not doing homework. I've tried hard to help her organise herself as she finds it very difficult.

But my mine gripe is that she doesn't seem that bothered, almost to the point of thinking its rather cool and funny to have so many detentions .
She's bright, in the top sets and accelerated learning for maths but I wonder how long she will stay there unless she buckles down.

She is now on a ban of her phone, my iPad and the laptop unless it's for homework as all of these are a big distraction. What else can I do? DH wants to stop her going out with friends when they break up on Thursday. They finish at 12 and have plans to go for some lunch locally, wimpy or something. Bit harsh at xmas or hitting where it hurts to make her think a bit more?

Another gripe is that we have had no parents evening at all! Our first one is April which I think is crap. Year 7 is almost over by then. I can obviously phone or email but it's not the same as getting an overview of DD from various teachers.

I think this is pretty normal for secondary school.

I presume the detentions were at break or lunch, not after school? If so, there is a normality about them. Teachers hand them out to everyone for any reason, so they are fairly normal, and don't mean anything any more.

I think it'd be better to sit her down and ask for some suggestions on how she can avoid getting so many detentions next term than to punish her. The detention was the punishment. She took it, and none of the events have been serious enough to warrant the school phoning or writing home.

She is in top set, so she must be cracking down and learning. She's just getting used to the freedom of high school, too.

For what it's worth, I got numerous detentions for speaking in class. Even the teachers were light-hearted about it - we'd spend the 5 minutes talking about school and home. I was top set, finished with excellent results, I just like to talk. It's never done me any harm, I'm still great friends with my teachers and they give excellent references.

I really think you will be severely overreacting to stop her going out and take away her gadgets. I bet 10 detentions is drastically, drastically under the average.

How do you help her organise her homework? Does she have a school journal/planner? That tracks her home work. Dd does I find it useful to see what needs to be done that week.

I would be ringing to speak to her form tutor, ask them to find out what's going from her lesson teachers.

Talking in class, hmmm sounds like she's been a pain in the neck. Who's trying to conform with? Has a her peer group changed? What's her attitude like at home?

Dd's year 7 top set too, I'm amazed how disrupted there lessons seem to be.

I agree with your DH tbh, although miserable for DD grounded maybe the way forward.

Personally, I would not ban her from going out with her friends on Thu but I would look at the things you've got in place to help to organise her because it doesn't sound like they're working and she's now embracing her disorganisation and making a joke of it.

I would book a meeting with the school asap to get support from them in building her organisation skills. Loads of Y7s struggle with that aspect, some worse than others. Does she write her homework in a planner? Teachers need to be told to ensure that she does this so that you can check it. Also I would suggest that she has to report to a specific person each morning who checks that she has everything she needs before she starts her lessons.

Might be totally wrong but soundalike she's trying to impress. Remember that first year, trying to fit in. Everything's so different for primary school and you find yourself trying to find yourself and where you fit in.
Do you think a 'right your dad doesn't want you to go, your behaviours unacceptable, if you carry on the way you are youll end up out of school with no job opportunities.. Is that what you want?' blah blah blah but then say you've persuaded him. Would that help? Although I'd be inclined to say she's not allowed out between crimbo and new school year as she clearly needs the time to organise herself.

That's a lot of detentions. Has the school made any contact with you, other than to inform you of the detentions? I'd be giving her form tutor a ring and asking to speak to him/her about what you can do at home to help her get off this path. I'm a secondary teacher and really, alarm bells would be ringing for me. I'd be particularly concerned about the fact that she finds it funny.
From what you've said here, my first thought is that she's finding the work harder than she's used to. If she's bright and has always found work easy, it can be a bit of a shock to start finding things difficult, but it's perhaps inevitable when there are so many different subjects now and different teaching styles. It may be hurting her pride that she now has to work much more to understand things and as a defence, she doesn't try. And she fits in or makes her mark by getting into trouble.
As a parent, although mind aren't at that stage yet, I think I might consider not letting her go with her friends on Thursday. But you know her best, would that give the message that you're taking this seriously? Or would it make her dig her heels in and do worse next term?
Good luck.

I bet 10 detentions is drastically, drastically under the average.

really? My DDs made it to year 9 without any - which is the norm at her school. They didn't issue any in the first half term of yr7 to let them get settled in and used to homework, which I think was wise - so that detentions aren't seen as 'normal' and almost inevitable.

I think lots of DC going to a new school have trouble with organisation. This will come with time and help.

However talking in class etc is not acceptable. And ten detentions is not acceptable or normal in one term.

Oh, forgot to say, I'd let her go out with her friends. That's got nothing to do with her disorganisation or being a PITA in class.

One thought - does her school issue periodic 'attitude to learning' scores - my DDs does, along with the expected/target level thingys. If they do then you could set up an incentive scheme of some sort.

Thanks for replies. All the detentions have been after school for between 15 and 30 minutes, although during one of them the teacher forgot about her and went home and DD eventually left the room 1.5 hours later!

She has always struggled with organisation. I nag her to pack her bag in the evening and go through her timetable with her to ensure she has everything but sometimes this doesn't always work. Today for example she doesn't have a maths lesson but needs to hand her maths homework in, so I wouldn't know that, some of it relies on her remembering things.

I know I've made the mistake of just asking her if she has homework and accepting her reply. I told her this morning that from now on the first thing she does when she arrives home is show me or DH her planner for us to go through with her, which we used to do at the start of term but I didn't think was necessary now, but I was obviously wrong.

I know the detentions aren't for awful things but I still worry that she is getting into this mindset, thinking it's a bit of a laugh and doesn't really matter. It probably is to impress people and fit in, her peer group are mainly from primary school but obviously lots of new kids too.

I agree with the fact that the work is a lot harder than she is used to, she found it a bit of a breeze at primary school and it's a shock that she really needs to think now and she isn't used to that.

I just find it sad that she used to be such a book worm and loved playing the piano, both of which she has dropped. I've let the piano go but still insist on a bit of reading in bed every night. We were in the orthodontist last week and all the kids were sitting in the waiting rooms tapping away on their phones. A young lad walked in and got a book out and DD was laughing about it in the car, saying what a geek he was . She's changed so much.

Meant to say school have made no contact other than putting these detentions in her planner. I will ring them today for a chat about it all.

So you have had no actual school report? This may make a difference, as you will have a proper idea of how she is doing. Detentions at secondary are generally handed out like sweets, so I wouldn't worry about that. Like you have just said, phone the school and see what the bigger picture is.

That's exactly what I've said to DD, she now has a reputation. The first term is about getting to know the pupil and I said to her at the start in September that she should be knuckling down and making an impression. Didn't mean this sort of impression though!

Her sister hasn't got any detentions, nor have most of her friends. I know her detentions could be for much worse things but I worry it's the start of the apathy and the careless attitude. I've seen my neighbours DD who is now 14 go through this, starting in top sets and now she's in the middle, it's just so depressing when you know they have the brains and capability.

Children seem to get detentions for the same things at the DC's school.

And children change a lot in Y7. DD was also a bookworm and now, in Y9, rarely reads DS in Y7 is also too tired for reading before bed

Some children manage themselves fine, others need support and teaching how to be organised!

If you know that she struggles with organisation, can you be more proactive with her? So you sit with her and check her planner every evening and ensure that she does any homework that she has been given and also help her pack her bag? I would do it really explicitly, maybe even with checklists, etc and only very, very gradually hand over all control if she is this disorganised.

Every afternoon after school, u sit her down, with her books/ homework journal and she has to sit there till her homework is completed, no tv, phone, computer till its done.. They u make sure she packs the homework in her bag...
If she gets detention, its her own fault and her own time shes missing out on!
Maybe have a word with the school, head of year that u would like her to be told to do homework at detention times!

We are in a similar situation with DS2. He has also just completed the first term of Year 7 and had a few detentions for minor homework infringement . We have had a parents' evening though, which was really just to tell us how well DS2 was settling into school & whether school had any concerns - they don't, they are perfectly happy with him & say he is well behaved and hardworking.

I agree that detentions seem to be handed out like sweets nowadays though. In my day [geriatric emoticon] it used to be a big deal to get a detention and they were relatively rare (I didn't have any at all ). Now it is not. Likewise honours/credits though. I went to the same school as DS2 & they still have the same "honours" system. Back in the dark ages past, we used to get a Certificate Of Excellence if we managed to get 35 or more honours in a school year - they were hard to get. DS2 has 75 already! After one term! And that's not unusual apparently - most pupils have similar .

DDs school does merits and penalty points (3 penalties=detention). bronze, silver, gold certs for however many merits. This more balanced approach seems to work well.

Sandy, I'm wondering if you need to take a different tack - the school is punishing your DD and its making no impression, you're doing gadget bans and thats not really working...if she's got into the 'bad girl, don't care' mode it may not be helpful. Perhaps you could try positive reinforcement for good behaviour - so, she gets her phone etc back each evening after she's shown you she's done her homework and packed her bag - that kind of thing?

Totally agree with Grimma

My dd was exactly like this - we blamed friendship groups , school for not being tough enough with her etc etc
This whole mindset carried on throughout school with Dh and I virtually sitting her gcses for her .... By sixth form we gave up and she dropped out after AS ( got 14 gcses all A*\ A)

My daughter was an angel until year7... My advice is be firm - we weren't a d she walked all over us ... Her friends are now all applying to ucas - top places but she's not - she was too eager to impress and too immature to see the future

10 detentions is a LOT by anyone's standards!

Ah. After school detentions are different...I thought we were talking about the 2 minute ones after class. There were always plenty of those. They weren't ever mentioned to parents, because it was just a way for the teacher to show that they wouldn't be walked over.

After school detentions are a different ballgame. I'm very, very surprised she got to 10 without the school contacting you - we had parents called in on the first one. I got through the whole of high school without one.

I think I'd arrange a meeting with her form tutor to talk to them about it. They may well move her away from her friends in lessons etc, to stop the temptation to talk.