Please help...In year admissions and more

[lamoseley]

I would appreciate any help or advice that you can offer as I am at my wits end.
My daughter is 13 next month. For the last 2 months she has been bullied by another fellow pupil who she used to be friends with.
It started with name calling, rumours, etc and 4 weeks ago my daughter was physically attacked in school time. It was a very vicious fight and it took two teachers to remove the bully off of my daughter. The school suspended the bully for 6 weeks (This is not the first time the bully has been in trouble) and is due back at school tomorrow but will not be put back into mainstream lessons for a further two weeks.
During this period my daughter has received messages/threats/calls from the bully and her associates.
I have been to the school numerous times to keep them informed and to advise that my daughter is fearful and I am worried for her safety.
They have said anything that happens outside school is a police matter although my daughter does not want that in fear of making things worse.
The bully shows no remorse or intention of backing down and even swore and was abusive to myself the other day.
I feel that I am not happy to send my daughter into school and I am sick with worry. My daughter is good at talking with me and I feel she is putting on a brave face to save my worrying but she has now said she wants to move school.
I have spoken to the grammar school where my son attends (Been very pleased with this school) and they have space within her year group but daughter would need to take an entry exam. 50/50 whether she will pass.
Has anybody else been through a similar experience? I do not know which way to turn.

I would suggest talking to the school and showing them the evidence you have of threats made to your daughter. Having excluded the bully once for violence to your daughter, I really don't see how they can suggest that the threats are not their business. I would have thought they would justify serious consideration being given to a permanent exclusion. If the head won't do it, contact the Chair of Governors.

Thanks Sparkling, I was hoping not to have to run through all the sorry saga.
I think a brief explanation shall do unless they want to know more.

I am past caring what her current school have to say, I have lost complete faith and trust in them. It seems as though they feel they have done enough by giving the bully 6 weeks suspension and anything that happens meanwhile or my worries for after are dismissed. So frustrating and I hoped within time it would work itself out but that looks likely as its still ongoing.

I feel much happier...funny how writing it down and speaking to others who have been through similar situations helps.
My main concern is dd and if this is what needs to be done then the school can swivel!! Thank you!!

Exactly lamoseley. If you get all this started asap you could have a much happier daughter in a few weeks and that's what it's all about.

Keep any explanations brief, answer questions if they want to know more. You have nothing to hide and your DD has done nothing wrong remember.

5madthings: Thats an extortionate price! Not even a discount for the 2nd! Thats good news about the distances though..it was one of the things I was worrying about. I was thinking it may be the same rules that apply when they first start.

Delalakis: I think if this girl is excluded she will make my dd life a living hell outside of school. This she has said herself. She only lives 5 minutes away. I do feel as though in a way we are giving in. If it were just about me I would stand my ground and hit twice as hard but when it comes to my dd I dont want to put her though anymore. Bully really is a menace. It so hard to know what to do, I hate thinking this girl is going to get away with it.

Tiggy:My sister is a police woman and advised the same. My husband also wants to involve the police. I think this is something I am going to have to consider.

Like sparkling said, I just want a happy daughter. I feel like I am not doing my job as a mum properly if she comes to harm. That I am failing her.. Urghh I hate this girl!

The other aspect is even if the comp in the next village is full, then bullying is good grounds for an appeal.

Mummytime: I did not know that so thats good to hear.

Do you know...if my daughter were to fail the entry test at the grammar, can we appeal to them on the same grounds?

can I apply to all the schools we are considering at once or do we apply for one then if we get turned down apply to the next and so forth? x

£547.50 a year for DS's school bus. I still have to drive him to the bus stop.

What an awful situation for you both. Will you go into school tomorrow and show the latest messages? Even if you move schools these bullies could do with as much hassle as they deserve

Sparkling: surely a chauffeur next!!

newgirl: I think its been one of the worst times ever. My son has breezed through school without a hiccup so this is all new to me. I do not think I can bear to face the school tomorrow. The mood I am in at the moment I may well explode. I think I will put all my energy into being positive and talking to potential new schools tomorrow and get a feel for it and then maybe tuesday I will tell the old school my dd will not be returning regardless. Too little too late!

I wish I could disguise myself as a 13 yr old and give the bully what for! Its disgusting that she can ruin peoples lives like this and get away with it...I just do not want to fuel the fire for my dd. On the other hand I stand for no nonsense...strange how you react and think when its your babies! So very frustrating. x

Wrt to schools...my son is so much happier.
And I moved him from an ofsted rated outstanding school to a satisfactory one!
(Now rated good)
Mu point being go to the achools, look runs and go with your gut feeling.
Good luck.
Oh, and the whole process only took 3 weeks :)

Whilst you might have lost faith in the current school (and I am not surprised that you have) I think you do need to pursue the situation because the school have just chickened out over this. Excluding for 6 weeks is simply just putting off the evil day, rather dealing with he problem. You need to present the evidence of the continued abuse and tell the school it is their responsibility to deal with it. It is also not true that outside the school it is up to the police to take any measures. If it is related to school, for instance when they are in school uniform, then the school do have jurisdiction and can take action.
What is interesting is that 6 weeks exclusion is 30 days and when they get to 45.5 days of fixed term exclusion in any one school year they are permanently excluded. I wonder given the comments you made whether the pupil has already had some fixed term exclusion and the reason that the school is not doing anything is that they do not want to be seen to permanently exclude the pupil.

When I changed school for dd there was no question re reasons, and rightly so. I would suggest that you change your dds phone away from a bb. Bbm messenger is just plain nasty. I would also suggest that if dd wants to continue with fb, she creates a seperate account for new friends obviously with hidden profile.if she is careful this will avoid bully being able to contact her through her new friends. She could leave the old one running and just delete any of her friends as the bully uses them.

I would also add that I agonised about "letting the bully win" but have concluded that long term they will not win, in terms of life chances etc. Indeed my daughters bully a few years down the line has had run in with police and social services. Also, as an adult faced with this, I would have walked away so decided that itc was right to do that forr dd.

Morning lamoseley I hope you are feeling positive today.

Good luck to 5mad's DS on his first day today.

Really sorry this is happening, Lamosely.

Of course see if your dd passes the grammar test, unless you think she would be horribly knocked back if she didn't get in - is there a parallel alternative school you could consider as a contingency, so the whole thing doesn't hinge on her ability to get into GS or not?

Meanwhile I would definitley inform the police. The bully has effectively intimidated her, and the outside school harrassment may not stop just because she has moved schools. And although the school do seem to have taken an easy option in some ways it would actually eb working in partnership with them if you get the poice to deal with the out of school aspect. How can the school deal with the in-school behaviour if the out of school is unchallenged? The bully has clearly identified the police as something she finds scary in some way otherwise she wouldn't have intimidated your dd against this course of action!

tbh I think it unrealistic to expect the school to tackle this unless the police are also dealing with the out of school harrassment. Also, how will your dd feel in perpetuity if she always knows inside gerself that she was intimidated into getting police help? It could affect her confidence - she may now always feel that if anyone else attacks or harrasses her she can not get help.

Good luck.

Sparkling: Hi there, feel okay today. Had a very long talk with my daughter last night (Pros, cons, feelings etc) and gave her the choice in what decisions she wants to make based on that. She found out from a mutual friend that the bully is not coming back for another two weeks and so she wanted to go to school today but she does want to start making plans to leave so that she is not there when bully returns. I have just just called the grammar school and can you believe it the lady I need to talk to is off for another week!But I do know they have a space for her. So I have just called the la to see who else has spaces in her year as my back up. There is nowhere in the next 10 miles that has availability!! I am going to research the schools that have tonight though.

avivabeaver: I agree!!

Blu:We will let dd sit the test, she wants to do this as she would like to go this grammar. We are struggling to find availability in any other schools in this area...even the awful ones! I agree with your advice re the police. I have said to my husband there is a good chance they will cross paths outside of school and I do not want the bully to think she can intimidate dd any longer. I am going to talk to dd about this again this evening.

Q for all: I think it will be approx 3 weeks b4 dd will take entry test. Is it worth having some extra help from a tutor? or just revise extra at home?

5Mad:I hope all went very well for you all today!!

I feel quite panicky that there are no other schools nearby that have space?
Any thoughts?? xx

glad dd was happy to go to school today, good luck with finding other schools, if the test is going to be three weeks away and you can afford it a tutor might be a good idea? however do you want her to scrape a pass and the possibly struggle in the grammar or do you think its an environemnt she will thrive in and if she ends up in bottom sets she wont mind?

ds1 got off to school fine, i think i was more nervous than him! thankyou for the good wishes :)

how far can you/are you prepared to travel for a school, ten miles isnt that far, how much further away are the other schools? ultimately you need to visit them and have a look to get a feel for them. time travelling etc is an issue but i think its worth it for a good school. ds1 now has to leave at 7:40 to go and catch the bus, rather than walk 5 mins up the road. so his day is longer, but hopefully it will be worth it, the bus journey itself is only 15 mins but he has to walk to the bus stop and get one of two buses to be there in time for registration etc.

I wonder if she has to take test as it's an entry requirement but they might give her the space however she does as there is a sibling? They might be more relaxed especially if you are discrete about it?

5mad: Thats great news, well done. We can look further afield..I need to research the ones that do have a space this evening then call the ones that I feel she would be best suited to.
My dd is very much like my son, he passed 11 plus by one mark and we were worried he may struggle. He is now in yr 11 and finished some of his GCSEs with A* and As. dd is very capable but needs to be pushed in the right direction and needs to be kept interested. I have found sons grammar school excellent with him so think this would be better for dd too. Very similar. Her current school plonk a book in front of her or they have to copy from the board!! Thats another story!

Tiggy: Thats interesting...I will look into that, thank you. I am feeling that contacting the police is the correct action to take but I only want to do it if my dd wants to, I do not want to put her under added pressure if thats not what she wants. You hear awful things happening to children who can longer take the stress anymore so I do not want that to add to whats she feeling. But I do agree with you. xx

Update: dd just got home and said the bully is returning one day this week (not sure what day exactly). Called school waiting for a return call. dd really does not want to be there when she comes back.

newgirl: I will somehow try and broach this with them, discreetly. Worth a try but this is what it states on their website:

In Year Applications
As grammar schools for prospective students to be eligible for consideration of a place they will need to complete the school admission test and achieve the required standard for the student to be deemed able to cope with the level and pace of work expected in a grammar school. This standard is normally around the 75th or above percentile level of ability.
At present the test consists of three timed multiple choice papers, based on Cognitive Ability in Verbal, Non Verbal and Maths skills, with the required standard being 110 or more in all three skills. The test is not curriculum based and takes approximately 2 hours to complete. The test is taken at *** and is arranged within 10 school days, once the application for a school place has been made via the Local Authority.

hope the school get back to you, if your son has got on well at the grammar and your dd is similar it sounds like it should be good, the test sounds ok, you say she is good at maths and thats easy to practise i have no idea about the cognitive ability in verbal and non verbal skill? something to google and there must be a tutor that could help.

we are having a drama here.. when ds1 got the bus to school he got off at a stop that meant he had to go into the back entrance of the school, when he came out he went out the front and now catn find his way to the right bus stop!! he waited at one for ages and no buses so it must be the wrong one, i have told him to go into the little tesco near the school and ask there and then if that fails to try and get back to the bus stop he got off at and that OPPOSITE that bus stop roughly there will be one that he can use to come hom. fgs he had a trial run yesterday and he is a BRIGHT boy (top sets etc) but he has NO sense of direction.

thing is we are stuck as i am at home, no car and dp is at work till 11pm tonight! the buses run till late tho and are every ten mins or so he jsut needs to find the right bus stop! still he sounded happy enough and at least its not raining!