How do I allow my DD to look smart yet 'ungeeky' in school uniform?

[Dumbwaitress]

I'll apologise now for the random thread but as a newbie to here I thought I might as well ask what might seem to be a daft question because there might be somebody out there who can answer it for me!

My eldest DD has just started high school and as many others I would imagine, has to wear uniform of shirt, tie, blazer, etc. It's not an independent school but is quite a smart state high school which is highly regarded for implementation of rules and for the good behaviour of its pupils.

My question is how do strike a balance between my own rules of how she looks when she's in uniform, of having her shirt tucked in and tie tied in a sensible way and top button done up, and at the same time not have her stand out in a way that's going to attract teasing from others.

I can imagine that many people would say that either that I should make her wear it smartly and she will find her own way of wearing it to fit in with the accepted 'norm' at the school, or alternatively if she wears it in contravention of the rules then it's up to her to accept the consequences of that.

I suppose my question is really how do other parents allow their children to 'rebel' or modify their uniforms to allow them to fit in but at the same time stay within the boundaries of how it has to be worn, if that's possible.

One of mine has big hair, like a beehive.

I would send her out of the door looking smart and turn a blind-ish eye to whwt she does during the day. I don't think it's up to parents to collude with "customising" uniform- it's all about rebelling a bit qnd being an individual - not the same if your mum helps you role up your skirt or ties your tie for you so that the ends are only 2 inches long.

My DD is in no way a rebel but she wears 11friendship type bracelets up her arm, though they are hidden.

Son leaves house smart and what happens then is up to him and the wrath of the school sanction system - he knows, if he is caught and cannot talk himself out of it, then he will have to attend the detention. I fully support the school if they catch him.

I don't think he does much wrong as the school are quite hot on uniform being worn the correct way - for everyone. He is also lucky in that he sort of looks cool in it anyway, which helps.

My daughter, who didn't look cool in her uniform, used to rebel with neon socks hidden under the trousers. Same rules applied to her but she was never caught - mind you, she was a real wimp and never did it on PE days!

What Kez said. I've always told mine that they know the rules and if they choose to break them it is up to them but I won't be giving them any sympathy when they get a detention.

Leave it to the school to police the uniform.

agree about not colluding, if it's going to happen she'll find out from her friends.

be a parent and endorse whatever the school policy is.

Why on earth would you want to do that? It's her job to push the limits. Not yours!

I agree that it's a strictish school so most of the pupils will look the same but she's already said after less than a week there that there's pressure to try to get away with not having the shirt tucked in fully or to have the tie with the top button unfastened - I can guarantee that although others might be able to do this and get away with it, she's wouldn't and would get into trouble. On the other hand like I said before I don't want her to become the one who's frightened to push the boundaries a bit like her peers do, but she knows that I don't approve of her breaking the rules. Do any other parents let their children go to school with the top button undone say, provided it's not immediately obvious?

I wouldnt actually encourage her to break the rules, if the school is strict anyone with their button undone will just be told to do it up.

Just send her to school the way the school expects, she wont be the only one folowing the rules.

My DSs school is pretty strict with uniform and as far as I see it my job is to push them in the direction of following the school rules. TBH, I'd see giving in to peer pressure to be less desirable than learning when it's appropriate to follow rules. My DSs are free to bend whatever rules they wish to when they're in school - I can't physically force them to, as you say, do their top button up, but they've got to accept that if they get caught then they take the punishment without whinging and they'll get zero sympathy from me.

I'm a teacher and while I am hot on shirts being tucked in and ties being done up sensibly, I really couldn't give an arse if the top button is undone - if the tie is high enough you can't really tell, plus some kids rip off the top button. I'm guessing other teachers in my school don't care either as you'll rarely see a top button done up. It just looks uncomfortable!

Staff at DS's school have been policing top buttons - DS was told off (nicely) on day one.

Bags have to be plain black, no logos.

I'm ensuring he is fully compliant, then if he goes off piste when he is out of sight, that's his risk and his look out. But he and his friends seem to be diong their best to get it right. But it's week one of Yr 7, so we'll see.

I guess there might be room for a cool pencil case - and DS has attached a key ring he likes to his rucsack, to make it identifiable from the 100s of others.

So noblegiraffe, are you saying then that it would be ok for me to turn a blind eye to DD having the top button undone say, provided that the tie was done sensibly? I assume she'd be less likely to get told off if the tie was sensibly tied than if it was done in a stupidly large knot?

I think there is a big difference in saying "it's OK not to follow uniform rules" to just knowing they do it, independently. In the latter, if they get caught, you are completely in the clear. In the former, if she ended up in detention, wouldn't you feel bad about encouraging her?

Unless your DD goes to noblegiraffes school, she may well get told off for that, or certainly told to do it up (most good kids get a second chance at our school). However, schools seem to have their own pet issues and top buttons may be issue of the week at her schools. In some cases, teachers have their own pet issues.

I think you are overthinking this and trying to encourage her to break rules. That will really backfire if your lovely daughter gets it in the neck from a teacher or, even worse, the SLT. She may well be quite upset.

If it's tied sensibly around the neck she'll probably get away with it, I'm on the lookout for ties that are swinging around chest level or half undone. If she doesn't, the worst that will probably happen will that she'll be told to do her button up, I reckon. Unless it's a really militant school, (or teacher, and she'll figure out who these are early on).

There's a difference between encouraging a kid to wear uniform incorrectly and turning a blind eye as they walk out the door.

Is this actually a problem OP? Has your DD said anything?

All three of mine wore their uniform perfectly in year 7 as did most of the other children at their school.

Webwiz - yes, like I said earlier she's already being pressured to look a little less 'geeky' - even her friends who at primary school used to wear their ties perfectly are now starting to wear them either tied in fat knots or to have the top button unfastened.

I'm not condoning rule breaking in the slightest - in many ways I was fortunate when I was at school that I could have my tie loose and be comfortable without being told off, and whilst I wouldn't imagine that my DD will be able to get away with having her tie half hidden by her jumper as I used to, I don't really have a problem with her leaving the button unfastened provided that the tie is pushed up to the top.

No, dumbwaitress. You're her mother. You make her leave the house with the button done up. That's your job. She then rebelliously undoes it as soon as she's out of sight. Honestly- this is one of those things where you have to be the grownnup so she has something to kick against.

what seeker said!

You are way too involved with this. You can't do your children's rebelling for them, you know

I comment that DD seems to have grown as her skirt is getting a bit on the short side, perhaps we need to go the uniform shop, which generally gets it unrolled a couple of times. I point out that as it's the beginning of term, the teachers are more stressy about ties and shirts, and perhaps she could do something about her tie. She knows that it's up to her to try and talk her way out of any detention, and that if she does get one, my response will be a variant on "told you so".

She'd be horrified if I tried to involve myself in her minor rule breaking, as that's not my "job"as her mother, I'm supposed to be po-faced about shirts tucked in and skirt length. But we're fully in agreement re the "orange pandas" - the orange foundation/fake tan + running mascara cool girls - so I figure a blind eye to skirt rolled up twice at the waist, and an extra fold round of the tie is fine.

I'm just amazed at year 7's with the energy to mess about with their ties - mine were all exhausted when they started secondary school.

I would probably have delivered a lecture on peer pressure and told her to wear her uniform properly.