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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Absent from school already!

26 replies

Shazjack1 · 06/09/2012 12:34

Ds got sent home from school yesterday with a headache which he later admitted it was really because he just hates his new school, no friends in his class and that he's really anxious and scared every minute that he's there. I told him it would get better in time but this morning he was hysterical and locked himself in the loo for an hour crying. Had to keep him off, hysteria didn't stop until about 10am. He's 11 so just gone into secondary school. Please tell me this will pass, I'm beyond stressed! Never had any problems like this with him before.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/09/2012 12:39

Eek. Can you talk to the school about this and get them to help make his transition as smooth as possible? I'm surprised they sent him home on the first day, tbh. He can't have been the only child to be overwhelmed :(

Themumsnot · 06/09/2012 12:41

Oh dear, you poor thing, how awful for you both. Has this come out of the blue, or were there any signs before that you picked up on that your DS was feeling this way?
What have you told the school so far? You need to be open with them so they can help him make a successful start. At our secondary school they try to find out from the feeder primaries if there are children who for any reason are going to need extra support in settling in and they do a special induction programme for them. If your school does this, but your DS for whatever reason wasn't flagged up as likely to need it, he should still be able to access the extra support. The first port of call is likely to be his form tutor, but the main thing is to identify who in school is responsible for helping you access the support you need - there will be someone. They should be able to set him up with a buddy system or some other peer support to help him not feel so isolated.

adeucalione · 06/09/2012 12:42

I don't think that you should have kept him at home today because he was upset until 10am - won't he just do the same tomorrow now that he knows it works?

It does sound like an extreme reaction, but it's certainly not uncommon for new starters to hate their new school initially (DS sent me texts all day saying how much he hated it).

I would just explain that everyone feels the same initially, that he will make new friends, and that fundamentally it simply isn't optional - and then speak to his form tutor about it so that s/he can keep an eye on him, encourage some friendships etc.

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 06/09/2012 12:42

The school said they'd had to send 20 home due to nerves/feeling queasy etc. I've never not been able to physically get him to go in before. Dh is going in this pm to talk to student services.

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Selks · 06/09/2012 12:46

First thing is ring and speak to the school, preferably head of year. You need to be working together with the school to nip this in the bud before it becomes an ongoing problem. Ask what the school can do to support your son - pastoral support, buddy system, whatever.
Secondly talk to your son about what exactly it is that he is scared of. If it is something specific such as an incedent with another child, or whether it is more the whole thing being overwhelming. Take a 'problem solving' approach and find ways to help him look at the specific problems cooly and logically and find strategies for him to be able to deal with them.
Then I'd suggest a carrot and stick approach - take no truck from him in the mornings about not going in. Make it blatantly clear to him that he will be going in regardless, then get him in. But you could also offer him an incentive to stick it out e.g if he gets through this first week then you'll all go bowling at the weekend or whatever. Let him know that you and the school will work together to sort out any problems and make it easier for him.
It's hard but unless there is a very good reason for him not to go in he needs to be got in. But do speak to the school asap.

adeucalione · 06/09/2012 12:47

Blimey 20 sounds a lot...it seems there's more they could do to ensure a smooth transition!

Hope your DH gets some good advice from student services, and that things improve for your poor DS.

Selks · 06/09/2012 12:48

The school's response of sending pupils home because of 'nerves' on the first days of term is not a helpful one. The school should be supporting the pupils to stay there and learn to cope with the situation. 'Nerves' don't get any better if the situation is avoided.

Selks · 06/09/2012 12:48

x posts, sorry

imnotmymum · 06/09/2012 12:50

20 kids sent home!! The school must take some responsibilty and expect such nerves and anxiety and look at their transition process. They have made it worse by saying it is OK to go home and miss on education. Really appalling. It will get better I am sure. Does he not have any friends from his primary in his tutor group/any lessons?

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 06/09/2012 12:52

Thanks, a lot of great advice here. I hope we can nip this in the bud. I really feel like a useless parent today, can't believe I couldn't get him in.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/09/2012 13:57

I'd be bloody cross with the school tbh. Twenty sent home on the first day because of nerves? Hardly helping you to help him, is it?

cardibach · 06/09/2012 20:54

I don't think I've ever worked anywhere (22 years' experience, 5 schools) where 20 kids were sent home any day - except the time we had norovirus...
Something sounds wrong there. Make more enquiries about why that was the response.

imnotmymum · 07/09/2012 07:14

Hope this morning going better x

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 07/09/2012 10:41

A little better this morning thanks. A few tears but not anywhere near as bad as yesterday. Took him in at 8.30am for a chat with student services who were very helpful and he will be in a new tutor group as from Monday. Fingers crossed that makes him feel more secure. Such a shame to have had to start out like this. Some of the tutor groups have 5 or 6 people in that he knows from primary school but his tutor group had no one at all from his school. Not very well organised I think.

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Tingalingle · 07/09/2012 10:45

Hey Cardi -- our school went up in flames yesterday, second day back. We have the whole 1000 at home today. Is that a record?

(All fine btw: deeply thankful to school staff and fire brigade for that!)

Themumsnot · 07/09/2012 10:49

That's great about the tutor group Shaz. It makes such a difference. Glad it was a bit better today, fingers crossed he has a good day and starts to settle in.

Themumsnot · 07/09/2012 10:50

Ting - OMG. They should never have bought that toaster for the staffroom.

Tingalingle · 07/09/2012 11:50

Kids suggested taking marshmallows!

takeonboard · 07/09/2012 13:22

I hope he had a good day today shaz
It will get better..for both of you!

Boo2323 · 07/09/2012 14:51

Hi I hope things have gone well today for you both. My daughter has struggled with anxiety but had great support from primary and Secondary schools. After a great first day she had her first period and massive anxiety issues over that. Didn't go in yesterday as felt unwell and very unsure about it all, but I kept in touch with school at every opportunity. Then this morning after what seemed like a great start got into car and she had a complete meltdown. Screaming and shouting refussing to move, and going back into the house and shutting herself in her room. I imediately rang school and they suggested that she came in for a meeting with her year group mentor and she managed that. We talked through some of her worries and she was not able to stay in school after that but promissed that she would be in school on Monday morning. Am trying to fill her weekend with possitive/busy activiites so less time to get anxious and arranging for her to meet friends on her way to school on Monday. I do feel that some kind of mentor or buddy might help, but she wants to be at school just scared of the unknown and she will not find out about stuff until she goes. It seems like a viscious circle.
I know how hard it is to get a 11 year old to physically get to school if they are scared and anxious and refussing to go. Fingers crossed for Monday morning good luck to anyone going through a similar experience.

minesawine · 07/09/2012 17:15

I have had the same problem. It all started with the induction day and my DS found out he was in a class without any of his friends. He had his first ever panic attack that afternoon. I spoke to the school and they were really good and moved him to a class with some friends and sent a counsellor to his primary school to reassure him.

It didnt help as he got it into his head that he did not want to go back. He had his first day yesterday and I had to drag him out of the car screaming. He cried all day and was really unhappy.

Today was a bit better, he actually went into school without any fuss, but at 10am I got a call from the medical saying he had a really bad headache and wanted to come home. I said no he had to stay and explained his anxiety. The school was very good and spent 2 hours reassuring him and speaking to him. He seemed much better when he got home. I am going to keep him busy all weekend so he doesnt have to think about school

He has his CAT's on Monday and I am really worried that his anxiety will stop him from doing well. I am finding the whole business as stressful as he is!!

cardibach · 07/09/2012 17:24

Tingalingle how can I get a transfer to your school?

RabidCarrot · 07/09/2012 17:44

I hope it is better on Monday when he is with some friends from Primary school, poor love.

The secondary school my boys are at deliberately DO NOT put people from the same primary school in the same class so they will "branch out and make new friends" it is hard and I think a little mean.

Sending 20 children home seems madness, could the school not have dealt with their fears it is so hard for them to suddenly be in "big school" as it is

cornzy · 07/09/2012 17:46

aw bless him! Hope he feels better on Monday. I'm gobsmacked at the school sending anxious pupils home

Original poster

Shazjack1 · 07/09/2012 19:45

It wouldn't have been so bad if everyone had been in the same boat and everyone was separated from friends but when the class is full of children that already know each other and yours is the one left on his own it's heart breaking. Hope everyone has a better experience next week.

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