Deputy Head tore up DD's personal diary

[LoveBox]

DD2 is in Yr11 at a lovely all-girls state school. She is the Head Girl and has always been highly regarded by her teachers. She has a lovely group of 5 best friends, one of whom sadly lost her mum in Yr 7. These friends are all similar to DD2 - slightly 'swotty', 'teachers-pet' type girls. I think the world of them all, especially the girl that lost her mum (lets call her A).

DD has been saying for a while how A has been having a hard time at school, being 'bullied' by the cool, popular girls. Name calling, jibes about weight, being mean about A's Dad, pretty nasty stuff. Seems to happen particularly in maths, where A is in a lower group with the 'popular' girls, so DD and A have seen the maths teacher on a number of occasions about it, and the maths teachers' attitude has always been "Oh, you're Yr 11, you're out of here in no time, just ignore it". Nothing has been done.

A few weeks back, the popular girls started to befriend A and invited her on some of their 'nights out'. A accepted, and last weekend had unprotected sex with a boy from the boys school down the road . Since then, the popular girls have completely turned their backs on A, calling her a Slag and a Slut, and after school on Tuesday, got the whole top floor of the bus home to sing a song they had made up about her.

DD and A came her after school on tuesday, after being on the bus, and A was in tears. Hysterical. They went up to DD's room and within a few hours there was laughter again. Turns out, DD had helped A make up her own song and some limericks about the popular group, and they had written these in DD's personal diary.

Wednesday at school, DD brought her diary in, and they showed the other 4 girls in their group the song and limericks. One of these girls told the popular girls about this, and the popular girl told the Deputy Head. On thursday, Deputy Head called DD in to his office, demanding to see her diary. DD said she didnt have it on her (she didn't, she only brought it in on wednesday. it usually lives under her pillow), and he asked her to bring it in on Friday. DD explained it was her PERSONAL diary, and that A had been bullied for some time, and so DD and A had used the diary to help 'vent' their feelings. She admitted to writing rude songs/poems about them, but said this was in retailation to the 'bus' incident. Deputy said tough, he wanted to see it.

After school, DD went to WHSmiths and bought a matching diary, and wrote stuff in it, so she could bring this one in instead, as she didn't want to bring her real diary in, for fear of getting in further trouble. She made up slightly less rude limericks and songs )and also included some fake entires about her weight, boys etc, to mimic her real diary, so the Deputy Head wouldn't suspect it was a decoy copy..

She bought this in for the Deputy Head today, and he read it (reading some extracts aloud apparently) and then tore each page out and threw it in the bin. He told her she was a 'nasty little girl' and that noneone likes people who bitch behind others backs and don't have the guts to say it to their face. He sent her out of his office, and said nothing further would be done.

She has come home and told me everything. I have never seen her so upset or distressed. I know she was wrong in writing nasty things about the group of girls, but to me, Deputy Head's actions are crazily out of proportion. You don't tear up a 16 year old's diary. DD won't let me say anything to school, she says she is out of there in June anyway and doesn't want to make a fuss.

But I'm so angry - am I right to be? WWYD?

Why did one of DD's friends tell the mean girls about the diary?

I think the talk of child protection issues is way OTT. The op said that it is customary for children to be sent to the deputy's office. The op also said that this girl has been in trouble before. Any talk of the girls being given special treatment is purely hearsay, the op's dd cannot possibly know this to be the case.

This is now getting ridiculous , the OP should go to the police because a teacher has ripped up a book full of bitchy comments about other children. What exactly are the police going to do?

I took people mentioning child protection to mean that the "bully" was a child protection issue because of concerns about their homelife. Such children often spend time each week in the office of a senior teacher, it doesn't mean anything untoward is happening. Accusing a deputy head , who sounds as if he is the deputy in charge of discipline and perhaps child protection, of abuse for having children in their office is just ridiculous . I am in a similar position and often have children in my office, I often offer them a cup of tea and heaven forbid a kit kat. I also am overworked and sometimes stressed , am I a danger to children? Or is it because he is a man, no wonder there are not enough men in the profession.

Just popping on quickly- agree that talk if police is way OTT. Whilst the DH's actions/behaviour weren't ideal, the School has been wonderful, and I think a calm letter to the Head at the end of term would be a better course of action.

Also agree with post (NiceHamione?) who said too much of a big deal is being made of the DH's relationship with the 'bully'. He does appear to be the teacher in charge of troublesome students, and if there is ever a child who is 'kicking off' in class, it is he who gets called to remove the child. It is common knowledge that he calms these children down with coke and chocolate- many of DD's class have been in there before, so I didn't mean to say that one particular child gets favourable treatment, all the children get it, it's just that this one particular girl gets removed from classes a couple of times a week, so seems to spend more time in there than most (apparently).

Again, I acknowledge that DD's actions weren't befitting of a girl who should be representing the school. Perhaps that is why the DH came down so hard on her. She never intended to cause the 'bully' girls hurt with her diary (she didn't want them to even know it existed- had jut planned on sharing it with her group who knew what A had been through), but DD has definitely learnt some important lessons from this too.

There is a certain irony about calming children down with coke

Without wishing to derail this thread: I stand by what I said about CP questions.

If (and at this stage of hearsay etc, it remains an 'if') one girl is being particularly singled out for time in the DH's office, and if she spends significantly more time alone with the DH than other similarly troublesome girls... yes, the question does need asking.

I have children in my school who spend more time In my office than others , that is the nature of the job when you have a pastoral care.

Thankyou for opening my eyes and letting me know this means I am likely to be accused of abuse.

Of course you're not. Not by me, anyway. Feel free to take my DD into your office, shut the door and lecture her on keeping her voice down in class.

But we're talking about a scenario in which one particular child may be particularly singled out. And we don't know the full story. So nobody is accusing anyone of anything.

I'd be writing to the school and the governors.

There's also something very odd about this man giving children coke and biscuits when they are being punished and taking their sides. It sounds dodgy.

Glad your dd stuck up for her friend. Was her friend set up by the girls so the boy could have sex with her? It sounds a bit like it.

But maybe that one child is singled out because they have more need. Very often children who bully have awful home lives and need a lot of input.

Other children also do not know who is in and out if my office and how long they spend in there. So it is all unsubstantiated hearsay which could be very damaging to the child and the teacher. It would be awful if a much needed form of support was removed because if ill informed gossip.

Last week a child came in my office and shared something heartbreaking with me . They have a history of aggressive behaviour towards other children . As this child spoke to me I gave them a glass if juice and a chocolate from the box on my desk.

I had called them in to tell them off, I am clearly doing an awful job as I wanted to help the child as well as punish them.

Why are you taking this personally nice?

This man's behaviour isn't like yours. Do you call teenage girls into your office in order to read their private diaries and then rip them up in front of them and tell them no-one will like them because of what they did? Because that's what he did.

I am not taking it personally, I am just trying to give the other side.

The CP accusatIons stem from a concern that this senior teacher calls certain children into his office and gives them a drink and a chocolate . Something I do, on an almost daily basis .

I do not think that the deputy head handled the diary situation correctly in demanding to see the diary. However if the diary was given to me, I may well have confiscated it and destroyed it or confiscated and asked parents to collect it.

If I am seen as taking this personally, it is because you are linking something I regularly do to a suspicion of abuse.

If my head girl acted in such a manner she would be on a warning to have her status removed and there would be consequences . That does not mean that it was not kind if her to befriend A.

So if a teenage girl was writing hateful things about other girls and then sharing them in school , I may well ask her to bring it to my office and I may then destroy it.

I may be wrong but this is not a personal diary written over a long period in private . It is a collecti

Collection of unpleasant musings about other girls, s

But you are, you're relating it back to yourself, when it's not about you. His behaviour has to be seen in context, you can't just single out the bits that relate to you and then say everybody's wrong. You're not him, and he's not you.

I'm interested that you're only concerned with the girl who had her diary confiscated when in fact there's a whole backstory of bullying of another girl, which is much worse than a few limericks shared between a small group of friends.

Something they may well have been driven into doing. It should not have been shared in school .

I am not sure what happened to my post there.

I have not said that I am not concerned about child A at all. You can have compassion for more than one child at once. The thread was about the OP's daughter which is where I have focused.

I deal with difuati

Gosh I keep pressing post by accident.

I am not relay

I am relating this back to me as I suspect we do the same job and I do many of the things he has been described as doing, regularly. I act within a similar context all the time.

if the original incidence of bullying of A had been dealt with then its fair to say this would never have happened.

the school have let A down in this, the rest is just the result of that.

i totally understand why your DD doesnt want you to say anything - my DD is exactly the same, but a letter after they have left will achieve nothing imo.

my son is autistic and in his very last week of school the PE teacher screamed in his face, went as if to hit him and made him flinch, and then laughed at him, called him a liar with regard to his asthma and generally left him in pieces.

i went in to see him and he called me a "little woman". i complained to the HT who did sod all, i wrote to the governors, who also did sod all, because by then, we were old news and DS was out of their school.

dont put up with this OP. i would complain, calmly. I cannot see how anyone can really justify demanding to be able to read a teenage girls private diary before tearing it up.

The original incident could only have been dealt with if it had been reported to the school, and it doesn't sound like it was.

Also did the deputy demand to read the whole diary or just the offending rhymes etc. He can't really judge the severity of the contents if he hasn't seen it.

OP's dd made a mistake and she panicked. Her mind went in overdrive hence fabricating the false diary with a watered down version of the rhymes. Understandable but that doesn't make it right.

Also her punishment was a telling off and a torn up diary which to me indicates that the deputy did look at the fuller picture. Surely if this was a stand alone incident the punishment would have been more severe.

By all means have a word with the school even if it is just too make sure that A gets the help she needs.

"if the original incidence of bullying of A had been dealt with then its fair to say this would never have happened.

the school have let A down in this, the rest is just the result of that." But two wrongs don't make a right. You are a police officer if I remember rightly aren't you vicar? So how many people come into your job on a daily basis who are committing crimes that are a result of other things in their lives. So i.e. they have had difficult upbringings and thus have ended up in a life of crime. Or they steal to pay for their drug habbit (again, a crime), or they seek revenge on someone who has committed a crime against them. Would you say that these people should be exonerated because of the circumstances that have brought them to crime? Because society has let them down/they are victims themselves this somehow excuses what they have done? It doesn't work like that.

And of course time is taking it personally, because the implication is that a teacher who is spending more time with one pupil than with others is somehow favouring them and therefore is probably actually abusing them. It only relates to the teacher named on this thread because he is the one being talked about, but the implication is the same. Can people honestly not see that?

i cannot draw parallels between cheering up a bullied 16 year old with a few stupid limericks and committing a criminal offence, - but yes - of course, i use discretion all the time, and i can give my opinion in a prosecution file if a person is charged to court.

and i quote the OP -

"so DD and A have seen the maths teacher on a number of occasions about it, and the maths teachers' attitude has always been "Oh, you're Yr 11, you're out of here in no time, just ignore it". Nothing has been done."

the Op states the bullying has been reported. it has been left to spiral and this is the result.

I agree that the bully