Deputy Head tore up DD's personal diary

[LoveBox]

DD2 is in Yr11 at a lovely all-girls state school. She is the Head Girl and has always been highly regarded by her teachers. She has a lovely group of 5 best friends, one of whom sadly lost her mum in Yr 7. These friends are all similar to DD2 - slightly 'swotty', 'teachers-pet' type girls. I think the world of them all, especially the girl that lost her mum (lets call her A).

DD has been saying for a while how A has been having a hard time at school, being 'bullied' by the cool, popular girls. Name calling, jibes about weight, being mean about A's Dad, pretty nasty stuff. Seems to happen particularly in maths, where A is in a lower group with the 'popular' girls, so DD and A have seen the maths teacher on a number of occasions about it, and the maths teachers' attitude has always been "Oh, you're Yr 11, you're out of here in no time, just ignore it". Nothing has been done.

A few weeks back, the popular girls started to befriend A and invited her on some of their 'nights out'. A accepted, and last weekend had unprotected sex with a boy from the boys school down the road . Since then, the popular girls have completely turned their backs on A, calling her a Slag and a Slut, and after school on Tuesday, got the whole top floor of the bus home to sing a song they had made up about her.

DD and A came her after school on tuesday, after being on the bus, and A was in tears. Hysterical. They went up to DD's room and within a few hours there was laughter again. Turns out, DD had helped A make up her own song and some limericks about the popular group, and they had written these in DD's personal diary.

Wednesday at school, DD brought her diary in, and they showed the other 4 girls in their group the song and limericks. One of these girls told the popular girls about this, and the popular girl told the Deputy Head. On thursday, Deputy Head called DD in to his office, demanding to see her diary. DD said she didnt have it on her (she didn't, she only brought it in on wednesday. it usually lives under her pillow), and he asked her to bring it in on Friday. DD explained it was her PERSONAL diary, and that A had been bullied for some time, and so DD and A had used the diary to help 'vent' their feelings. She admitted to writing rude songs/poems about them, but said this was in retailation to the 'bus' incident. Deputy said tough, he wanted to see it.

After school, DD went to WHSmiths and bought a matching diary, and wrote stuff in it, so she could bring this one in instead, as she didn't want to bring her real diary in, for fear of getting in further trouble. She made up slightly less rude limericks and songs )and also included some fake entires about her weight, boys etc, to mimic her real diary, so the Deputy Head wouldn't suspect it was a decoy copy..

She bought this in for the Deputy Head today, and he read it (reading some extracts aloud apparently) and then tore each page out and threw it in the bin. He told her she was a 'nasty little girl' and that noneone likes people who bitch behind others backs and don't have the guts to say it to their face. He sent her out of his office, and said nothing further would be done.

She has come home and told me everything. I have never seen her so upset or distressed. I know she was wrong in writing nasty things about the group of girls, but to me, Deputy Head's actions are crazily out of proportion. You don't tear up a 16 year old's diary. DD won't let me say anything to school, she says she is out of there in June anyway and doesn't want to make a fuss.

But I'm so angry - am I right to be? WWYD?

You CANNOT let this go. You have got to tell the Head. The DH can't get away with this. I'm so shocked that he would be do that. In fact I think you should make a formal complaint. He has abused his position.
And the school needs to be made aware of the maths teachers ignoring or the bullying.

I would like to add to posters who have praised OP, her daughter and the friend.
It was a cunning plan to construct an alternative diary, but you really didn't need to. I know the DH seems very powerful, but his power doesn't extend into your private life. You have the right to privacy. Making up the songs and rhymes may not have been the best idea, but I'm sure it made you all feel better, and, after all, you didn't sing them on the top of the bus did you?
A, as everyone has said, get a pregnancy test, chances are you will have been lucky, but please don't take a chance like this again. And sex is meant to be fun (at least) make sure you have it on YOUR terms and with a clear head.
I'd also like to add a bit of perspective....you both sound like intelligent, sensible, hardworking girls....in five years or so you will be at college/in good jobs...where will the 'popular' girls be?
OP, I'd definitely go to the HT and I'd be asking to see their policy on bullying, and I'd be taking a children's rights approach

www.crae.org.uk/rights/uncrc.html

Convention on the Rights of the Child, scroll down, article 16

UK is signatory to this and all public servants have to abide by it

hth

I'd also like to plough in with a slightly different perspective, if that's ok? Just because I've come from quite a 'trying' (euphemism for unbearable and exhausting) day dealing with Year 11.

At this time of year they are awful. There is a constant, simmering, air of tension and you feel like it is constantly about to erupt. Whilst I am in a pretty tough school (only five of my bottom Year 11s remain. The other eight are on 'early study leave' exclusion), it's been the same when I've worked in gorgeous private schools.

All-girls' schools are even worse. Oh god, the crying and hormones! At this stage I rarely made it through a lesson without a child crying for one reason or another.

Today is also a really tough day for teachers, because it is the day in which all of the coursework/ exam admin has to be finished- which is a faff at the best of times, but half the staff probably also had kids all over the place finishing off bits and pieces. This isn't an excuse for the deputy head, but I'm explaining how the stress of many of the teachers would exacerbate tensions and he would be aware of this.

Your deputy head would be trying to squash the problems which would cause the biggest impact in the easiest way possible. Whilst the behaviour of the bullies was unacceptable, your daughter's was also poor and had to be dealt with.

I know you're really angry (and right to be), but your priority isn't about righting the wrongs, it's instead about getting your daughter and her friend through their exams and causing them as little stress as possible. They don't need to be friends with the bullies*, they just need to make sure they're happy.

You're not going to like this, but I would also have either torn up the diary or thrown it away. It ceased to be private when she brought it in for other girls to see- particularly as this information was passed on to others. It was a 'tool' for the bullying of the bullies (does that make sense?). I know you see it as retaliation/ standing up for themselves, but actually the diary was being used to deliberately make fun of other girls.

I would email the deputy head (so that your daughter feels like it has been dealt with a bit and her weekend isn't completely ruined) and arrange a meeting. I deal with loads of issues of this ilk and I would definitely welcome a meeting with parents such as yourselves. Your email suggests that your daughter is not particularly upset by the situation with the bullies, but she is more bothered by the meeting with the deputy head. A meeting with you and him would definitely help her feel better- and I'd probably encourage your daughter's friend to come too.

I would not push for punishment of the bullies as it could actually impact negatively on your daughter (meh, there'd have to be reconciliation meetings/ interventions etc. which would bring loads of emotions to the surface for everybody and there are only about two weeks left) and see my point below.

OP that is also a very long post, but I've dealt with our crying head girl today too. It's just about getting them through the next week and stuff the bullies.

*sounds like there is a child protection issue, by the way. Sympathetically sitting round in his office being spoilt by the deputy head? Not unless there's a reason for it! They don't have the time. Relationships like that tend to develop when there is a lot of issues going on behind the scenes that other kids don't necessarily know about....and bullies are so often covering up for something with their negative behaviour!

ps don't flinch from telling the DH that it was about A having sex. He won't bat an eyelid or think any the worse of her. Really. The school really will have dealt with worse than that.

But it might make him understand why your DD and A reacted so uncharacteristically.

Another example of a kid who retaliates getting a bollocking rather than the bullies . Are all teachers scared of them ffs.

I respect the fact that the girls don't want you going into school but they are kids and it isn't their decision. What about the kids who will come after yours?

Tortu You're not going to like this, but I would also have either torn up the diary or thrown it away. It ceased to be private when she brought it in for other girls to see

...and that would simply make you as bad as him. Neither you nor he have any right to do that to another persons property - demand they bring it in from home and destroy it. Ridiculous. I hope that you are not in fact a teacher.

I fail to see why ripping up someone's property is acceptable, end of term stress or not.

Chipping, that was so very well put.

OP, you clearly have raised a lovely daughter who you should be proud of. I hope you can gently persuade her that you should contact the school. That DH sounds bullying and incompetent.

Had to pop on to read. Chipping - what a lovely lovely post. I think that is just what A needs to hear. I will definitely show them both this thread. (you made me cry btw!)

Vicar - DD said that the DH didn't read out anything specifically to do with her weight/boys, but read through lots of the diary with lots of raised eyebrows and a few derisory snorts. She said she felt humilated more than anything, and wished she hadn't done the fake diary.

I did say I wished she had come to me before the diary, and we could have nipped this in the bud. She said she had thought about going into school today and telling the DH she hadn't bought the diary as it was private etc, but he had hinted at the fact she could be excluded/have her head girl badge taken away, so she decided against it. She said she purposefully made lots of entries in the diaries about how bad she felt for A always being bullied, and how nothing was being done about it, so that he would see that and maybe do something about it, or understand how this had all come about. (Yes, I do have a very smart girl on my hands! Takes after her mum )

Tortu - your input is hugely appreciated. Ironically, that is almost exactly what DD has said. She really is an absolute sweetheart (im biased, I know!), and said that the bully would only be behaving so nastily if something was going on at home. Also, deputy head left for 18 months when DD was in Yr 9, as he had a brain tumour (awful, very sad) but now has recovered and is back has been back to work since Sept. This means that he doesn't really 'know' DD, and today was her first real 'dealings' with him. She said that perhaps he also has been going through a tough time, and if he was willing to end things here, maybe she should too.

I think DD and A are willing to overlook the bullying and don't want it dealt with - they have just a few weeks left at school, and it's more hassle than its work IYKWIM. I think what upset DD so much is that she has never been in trouble ever before. So she feels very 'wronged' here, as in her eyes she was doing the 'right' thing defending A, although she understands that what she did was not the right thing to do. She has decided the thing she wants to do is to get 11 A*'s and be the school's poster child for achievement, and then the DH will see that he made a mistake in 'judging' her, and she will 'teach him a lesson' that way. Bless her.

I think I will write a letter in to the Head once they have left school, and thank the Head for everything, but to say that there was an incident where the DH ripped up DD's diary, and I feel it could have been dealt with better, as DD was upset at the time. Might also suggest the bullying policy (and A's maths teacher) might need to be looked at.

It has been dealt with wrongly and the deputy should never have torn up the diary . It was also lovely of your daughter to befriend A. I can see why you are proud.

However as head girl your daughter has let herself down by bringing the diary into school and if she were my head girl I would be having stern words .

I also notice that you are happy for your dd to be a "favourite" but don't want others to get the same treatment .

This does not negate the fact that the deputy behaved badly.

LB, your daughter sounds wise beyond her years!
I wish her and A all the best for the exams and hope they excel themselves.
Maybe just see this as something to learn from.

How does your dd know that the bully girl is given coke and kitkats in the dh's office? Did the bully girl tell her? Because in truth she cannot actually know that unless she has seen it for herself, iyswim.

I think the issue isn't that straightforward tbh. What the other girls did was wrong, no question. But what they did happened away from school property and is therefore not actually school's responsibility, however frustrating that may be.

But your dd and her friend then went and wrote rhymes about the other girls - fair enough - but then they brought those compositions on to school property, and used them to bully and humiliate those girls - on school property - not just the two of them, but to share with their other friends. And let's look at it another way, imagine a member of staff had witnessed the handing round of that diary with the rhymes in it, or if in fact it had just been a piece of paper with them on, it's surely almost certain that they would be removed and destroyed at the time - it's no different to passing notes round in class and the teacher removing them and throwing them in the bin. Just because it's a "personal diary" doesn't make it any less unacceptable - it is just seen so because A the dd was asked to bring it back in and B, it's her personal diary.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

And as frustrating as I can see this is, if it were a note handed around it would have been destroyed and no-one would have batted an eyelid, surely. so actually I'm not sure this is any different. sorry.

Do you think the deputy might have noticed it was a fake diary and 'played' along?

Your dd shouldn't have taken her diary to school and shown it around and I agree with wannaBe, if she had been caught red handed she would have been in the same situation.

If the other girls were singing nasty songs about A on the bus in public when they were all in uniform, then they absolutely ought to have been told off and punished by the school for bullying.

If your dd and A made up a few limericks/rhymes and shared them between a group of 5 close friends that is very different and whilst it is not right, it is nowhere near as bad as what was done to A.

And as for the DH demanding to see a private diary and then reading through it, being horrible and snarky reading bits out of it, ripping pages out of it - I'd be absolutely furious and regardless of what dd wanted, I would be very tempted to discuss it with the head if I knew them, because that is completely unacceptable bullying of your dd. Threatening to remove head girl badge/etc for something like this - particularly when it was done to help a friend overcome very mean and nasty bullying that the school wasn't helping to sort out - is just horrible and wrong.

Sounds like your dd has her head screwed on the right way and is a dd to be proud of though for helping her friend through this - don't think she is in the wrong at all. Even writing the limericks - if the other girls think it is all right to make up mean songs about other people to sing in public, then at the very least they need to expect to hear some back about themselves.

and just because the dh had a brain tumour - well that is horrible and sad too, but it doesn't give him the right to bully nice kids when they are trying to stand up to bullies when the school isn't coming down on the bullying like a ton of bricks.

As a senior teacher who deals with this kind of thing all the time I agree, if it happens on the school bus it counts as a school issue. In fact if it happens whilst they are still in uniform it counts as a school issue.

I am not sure what I would have done with the diary if faced with this problem , as someone said previously if this were notes I would put them in the bin.

It is very serious for a head girl to be seen to do anything that could be interpreted as bullying, she has a position of power and responsibility and should behave as such.

Your dd sounds like a lovely girl and a good friend. Sorry, i can't see anything wrong with what she did - the fact it was written down is neither here nor there - it was not done to bully anyone but to comfort her friend who had gone through a really horrible experience. If that is bullying, then by the same token, saying anything slightly rude to a friend about another child is bullying - it's not; it's a perfectly reasonable response to having witnessed some people behaving really unpleasantly. Shoting sexual abuse on a bus about child - that is bullying and that is what the school should be dealing with. The DH sounds right out of order and I would certainly wish to complain, though agree with your dd that focusing on her exams right now is actually much more important - ignoring the bullies and doing well in exams is probably the best revenge. Agree with your idea of contacting the school after that - that way it may be dealt with, but your dd can focus on what's really important now.

You sound like a great mum and both the girls sound lovely. You should be v proud of your kind and resourceful dd!

I know I've already posted on this bit I've been thinking about this thread all night.

The whole matter has been handled appallingly by the school and it should not have got this far. You are obviously proud of your DD (as you should be) but her behaviour has not been what I consider head girl. Imagine a first year seeing the head girl bitching about another group of girls with a whole book of these songs and limericks. I know there is a background but that doesn't change the fact that her behaviour was out of order! You can't ask for the other girls to be punished without DD and A being punished too (although not as much).

JMHO.

We are talking about the head girl sharing a book containing unpleasant comments about other pupils , it is certainly unpleasant.

I can see the thread from the other side, a mother worried about her own daughter coming home upset because a very popular head girl had been sharing a book filled with unpleasant comments in it.

Exactly Annunziata.

breadandbutterfly the writing the rhymes is not the issue, it's the bringing them into school to taunt the other girls and sharing them around groups of friends so they could taunt the girls that is the issue. That is bullying regardless of whether that is done in retaliation.

and as I said above, if the op's dd had merely been passing round notes in class with the same meaning and been caught, they would almst certainly have been removed and destroyed, and I don't think anyone on this thread would have thought this unreasonable.

Far too much has been made of this being a "personal diary" IMO.

There's a lot of things that have been badly handled in this situation.

To be fair, it would have been better if your DD and her friend had chosen to 'vent' their anger at the bitchy clique in school in a different way - and had not brought their writing into school to show to their friendship group.

The Deputy Head, IMHO, had no right to insist that your DD bring in her diary to school - it's one thing confiscating it if it's already there, but really - you can't insist that someone bring in a personal item because you've heard it might contain something inflammatory. Where would anyone demarcate their professional/personal lives?

However, your DD and her friend are 16 year olds - we expect 16 year olds to make mistakes. The Deputy is an adult, supposedly with experience of dealing with pastoral and behavioural issues. Regardless of how tough his day/ month / year has been.

In your shoes, I would go and ask to speak to the Deputy and Head, without DD present. I would look up the links provided by other MNers regarding the legal position on what has happened, and also mention OfSTED in passing.

The one person who sounds like she might need a lot of care right now is A, who has made a mistake that she might be finding really hard to cope with. As one of her more long term adult female role models, perhaps you will be able to provide her with some space to talk, some practical help if need be, and a sense of adult female perspective - we all f* up at least once in our lives.

I share your disappointment with the way school has handled the situation. You would hope that their might improve their communications with parents, and reflect on how they deal with bullying.

Did this really happen?

I would (I can be a real bitch) inform the police. Tell them that you do not want any action taking until after DD leaves school. It's criminal damage. Or get DD to write a statement - dated - and wait until she leaves and then contact the police.

What worries me is what ChippingIn says that your DD thought that she needed to bring her diary in for the DH to see - OK, she was clever enough to construct a replica, but that's not the point. For the benefit of her forthcoming adult life, she needs to know that some demands people may make of her are unreasonable and should be challenged, and that it's within her rights to refuse.

But I do also agree about the child protection question in this - why is a year 11 girl spending special time in the office of an overworked and stressed male teacher?