Come and talk to me about boarding school...

[Becksharp]

Right, need some advice from people who have sent their kids to boarding school and some honest opinions about how the kids really cope.

DS1 is severely dyslexic and being catered for at primary level but the time has come where I need to consider the next stage and what is going to work best for him. I suggested to him that there are specialist dyslexia schools in passing and he has really taken to the idea and particularly likes the look of how things are done at specific school. The problem is that the school is 1 hr 40mins away and so he would have to board. He says he would happily do that, but I (a) selfishly would miss him too much and (b) worry he is too young to be able to make a decision to live away from home and fully understand what that would be like.

So my long-winded question is - do they cope with being away? Do they thrive or do they just grin and bear it?

It is a hard decision not to be taken lightly. My eldest 3 DC board, they are 11,9 & 8 and youngest (who is only 5) is already talking about going. The thing that made us choose boarding was eldest DD said she wanted to as DH moves jobs every 2 years and we move with him, she had had 4 schools by the time she hit yr3 as we had a couple of moves in quick succession. She went at yr5 but DS1 went at the same time into yr3 and DS2 went this year into yr3. They were very young and it was a trial to begin with they were under no illusions that as long as they gave it a year to see how they coped then they could say No I don't want to board anymore.

They do miss home terribly but we make the most of phone calls, emails and the long school holidays. We also give them individual time when they are home with each of us so they get special memories that are only theirs not a family thing for when they are at school. After Christmas is always the worst time as they leave a lot of happy memories and presents at home but they are so busy at school that they soon even forget to call home

Mine have all thrived, especially with the extra sports they get to do. At home there would be no way they were doing modern pentathlon, swimming, music lessons, judo, choir, cubs/scouts, tennis, rugby, cricket as after school activities I couldn't split myself enough to provide the taxi service

I guess mine may be slightly different though as it is giving them the stability in their education that they don't get moving every 2 years. They are also already talking about going to uni and always trying your best to succeed in everything (which comes from the school)

Its hard to begin with but they do cope, they learn communal living lessons at a young age (which can only help later on) and they have a great social life (far better than mine)

One Ds has been boarding since Sep. He was 13 when he went. Other DS goes full boarding this Sep, aged 11. The important thing is YOU have to be fully behind the decision to board and totally believe you are doing the best for your child.If you don't think this way it will be too hard for you. Although your child may have a wobbly moment , these quickly pass for them , and they tend to be few and far between. Our DS is having a great time, made strong friendships and, as previous post has said, has many opportunities to try various sports, drama and music they he may not have been able to do at home.we do miss him but believe we are doing the right thing - your child may actually thrive in an environment where everyone has dyslexia and understands the difficulties that brings with it. We send lots of letters , texts and e-mails and enjoy all the holidays - with no prep etc to nag him about we can relax and enjoy each others company. Both boys went on the understanding that if they hated it they could leave after a year. Talk to the school about what they do when children feel homesick etc - they are used to these questions and should be able to give a comprehensive answer.

It's definitely the extra-curricular that's enticing my DS! How does your little one left at home cope? I worry about what DS2 would be like without DS1! Might have to have another DC to plug the gap...

My eldest was desperate to go, the local school was truly awful. She loved it then hated it and now loves it and is desperate to do well enough to stay on for 6th form.

It was really hard, I cried a lot, it was like a bereavement.

I do not want any of my others to go but I still feel like it was the best thing for my eldest due to the alternatives, her ability, her personality, family circumstances at the time.

I know the school environment would suit him down to the ground - but would the benefit of that outweigh the potential trauma of being away from home. I would hate for him to be unhappy and feel unable to say. So hard! If it was on my doorstep he'd be there is a flash

How is your relationship with him, does he tell you his feelings?

My dd is completely open with her Dad so I knew he would always know how she really was. I honestly think the issues she had were more to do with home and friendship issues she would have had going to local school - attention seeking and lies.

Actually younger DS been fine. He does miss his brother but has enjoyed the extra attention he now gets. Both boys seem to appreciate each other more when they do see each other in the holidays, on exeats etc . I worried they would "lose touch" (especially as they are at different schools - younger at prep, which goes up to 13, older boys school starts at 13) but , if anything, the bond between them is stronger. I make it clear to both boys how much we love them and both still give bear hugs etc Good communication is the key!

Do they do weekly boarding? Boarding schools also have exeat weekends too when they get to go home.

What pastoral support does the school have, how do they select pupils - dds school does an overnight visit assessment and use it to rule out dc that they do not think would cope/suit boarding.

Some of the older pupils "help" out - their opinions are asked as well as matrons, teachers etc.

Longest time without exeat is 19 days. There is one exeat each half term, they get 2 weeks at October, 4 weeks at Christmas, 1 week at Feb, 3 weeks at Easter, 1 week at June, 8 weeks in the summer.

My youngest misses the older ones when they are away but they have a better relationship when they are home now. She is just learning to write so sends them cards and pictures and they love it.
Talk to the school about the pastoral care our school is great and we get calls from the housemistress when she knows they haven't called in a while just to let us know they are ok.
If you are up front with your ds about how you feel, tell him you will miss him but if he thinks it is the best then you will always be there he will be able to decide.

Is it definitely the nearest one to you as there seem to be quite a number of these schools around.

It definitely Is the nearest because whilst "these schools" appear to be ten a penny down south, they're few and far between In the north. That said, I'd choose this one over any of the others in any event due to its particular focus. Just a pity we don't live nearer and we can't really move usefully nearer due to our work!

Thanks for all the replies - I do have a really good relationship with him, but I don't really want him to know how I feel about it - because I want him to make a decision he's happy with and not have him do what he thinks I want. Dilemma! Has anyone know it fail?

DS has weekly boarded from year 9 (age 13). He's now 16 & has decided to go to a day schoo for 6th form. He's loved his school & has made some great friendships, he does not like rigid rules though & has found this hard to take. He's also detested Saturday school & is rather annoyed that the school is considering their Saturday options from September.

Agree with another poster who said you need to be fully behind the decision. I don't think I ever have been & only tolerated it because DS really wanted to go to this particular school. It's not as far away as the school you are considering & he's home every Saturday till Monday morning. If I'm honest, I don't think is old have allowed DS to board at 11 but accept there are children younger than him who board. His roommate is Russian & has boarded from the age of 7! Each to their own I guess. If you are considering boarding, make sure you are happy with the pastoral side of things, ensure they'll be plenty to keep DS occupied & lastly, you need to be completely satisfied with your son's boarding housemaster. He will be acting on your behalf after all.

I would never consider boarding unless the child suggests it and there is a very strong benefit to them doing so. The best examples I can think of are families that move around a lot eg military and where the school offers a specialist element eg for choristers or for your DS.

Can he get the support he needs elsewhere? As it's a specialist school rather than a traditional boarding school do they stil have Saturday school? Could he be a weekly boarder? What's the policy on fees if he were to try it and not like it? What is the pastoral care like?

Generally I don't think you'd need to worry about him not settling in, because it sounds like you'd be more than happy to bring him home . It's more about you. I think in your case I'd try it. Children who board can become a bit closed off as they have to be more self sufficient and independent to survive, but I think this is probably more the case with those whose parents have decided they'll board before they start walking IYSWIM. In this case he would be there to get something he can't get closer to home and if it isn't working for him you'd have him home at the drop of a hat.

Thanks for all the replies, it's much appreciated. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and getting used to the idea - I definitely think the benefits could outweigh the negative of living away. And he can go near enough to be able to come every weekend if necessary. I take what you say narked - he would know he could just come home at any time so he would probably suffer less emotionally.

The thing that's really swaying me is his attitude which is really enthusiastic! He can always come home for sixth form if things are going well and he wants to. Me and DH need to get on and make DC3 now to keep DS2 company during term time...

To boarding or not to board is always a very difficult decision to make. As narked pointed out you are doing it for a specific reason to access help which you can't get closer to home.

However, I would query the fact that telling him he could come home at any time (I presume you mean leave the school) as he would suffer less emotionally is possibly not true. IME those who have parents that say this find it hard to settle as "they don't jump in with both feet." I have seen a DM dropping off her DS at a prep school say in front of him that she still wasn't sure this was the best idea for him and that he could come home if he didn't like it. He not surprisingly didn't settle for ages, but is though now absolutely fine.

It is important to be positive about the experience in front of the child or they are left bewildered about what they are about to embark on. Parents do often find it harder than the children. It is possible to be positive and to let your child know that you are going to miss them too.

I would disagree about boarders becoming "closed off" regardless of when the decision to board was made. It all depends on the individual families. My 2 are independent, but we still speak to them most nights - thank goodness for Skype! We do fall into one the above categories that narked mentioned but took the decision when the DCs were small.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

DH has worked in boarding schools with specialist support - including one that was actually secure.

Because the teachers, kids and parents are all utterly certain that it is being done for educational reasons (rather than poshness ones) they are very happy and supportive places.

Our local one (Stanbridge Earls) has an excellent reputation and even gets state funded kids who the LEA knows will do best there.

I too disagree with the idea that boarders are "closed off" although they are obviously more self sufficient and independent. My DS's have full/weekly boarded from 7 and although very capable and grown up in ways that those who haven't boarded aren't, as teenagers are very family orientated and affectionate, especially the one who still boards. All we know who have boarded from an early age feel are pretty much the same.

I also agree with goinggetstough you need to be very positive about boarding in front of your DC even if inside you're feeling sad or doubting your decision. My DS at prep his became unhappy (unrelated to boarding) and in retrospect as we became more negative about the school influenced by his experiences and others issues he became unhappier and thus we became more negative and he then did as well etc. etc. Be positive believe in it don't talk about leaving if it goes wrong talk about the positives and sorting out any negatives.

FWIW we were with DS choosing a house on Monday, and the dame told me that in her (14 years) experience when a boy had problems settling in it was almost always because of an unhappy mum in the background.

I agree with the others that you would have to be absolutely convinced that boarding at this school was the best option for DS, and be sure not to pass on any negative vibes, which is not always easy.

My DS has only boarded for a year, and I miss him like mad when he's at school, but I know he's happy and having a good time. He enjoys weekends at school and prefers to stay in most weekends.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I just couldn't do it. Full stop.
For me, I want to keep my dc's as a close knit unit, yes with all sorts of activities etc, but they're such good friends I wouldn't want to split them up.
And for dh and I, it would be like a bereavement. No chance.
Each to their own and all that!

From my experience the other reason why children don't settle in boarding schools is that the schools ethos in general is not right for them. It may be too pushy, to narrow, to team sports orientated, anything, and often very specific to the individual child. The problem is a day school you can get away from say the schools obsession with cricket but at a boarding school particularly if you full boarding in a small school your stuck and may find your walking to a different drumbeat to the rest of the school.
It really is worth looking into this sort of thing before you make your decision. Im always surprised by the amount of parents who assumed the school would have a golf course for Henry, who loathes cricket, can go off and pursue his passion or that cricket would be optional and James could go off and play polo instead of doing rugby three afternoons a week and are then annoyed when they find that the nearest golf course is 20 miles away and there are no polo ponies!

Or even more weird get a place at a full boarding school clearly written all over its website, prospectus etc and ingrained into its ethos, go through a complex admission procedure over a number of years and then become surprised and upset when you're told your child has to full board!!
Come on parents read the websites, ask the relevant questions your spending a lot of money and that way your less likely to make a mistake.