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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Come and talk to me about boarding school...

47 replies

Becksharp · 22/04/2012 13:47

Right, need some advice from people who have sent their kids to boarding school and some honest opinions about how the kids really cope.

DS1 is severely dyslexic and being catered for at primary level but the time has come where I need to consider the next stage and what is going to work best for him. I suggested to him that there are specialist dyslexia schools in passing and he has really taken to the idea and particularly likes the look of how things are done at specific school. The problem is that the school is 1 hr 40mins away and so he would have to board. He says he would happily do that, but I (a) selfishly would miss him too much and (b) worry he is too young to be able to make a decision to live away from home and fully understand what that would be like.

So my long-winded question is - do they cope with being away? Do they thrive or do they just grin and bear it?

OP posts:

goinggetstough · 23/05/2012 12:16

HG you are so right with your last comment!!!!

TalkinPeace2 · 23/05/2012 12:28

BUT
as the OP has said, the decision on boarding in their case is driven by access to dyslexia resources, not polo ponies, so the decision chain is somewhat different.

happygardening · 23/05/2012 14:44

"as the OP has said, the decision on boarding in their case is driven by access to dyslexia resources, not polo ponies, so the decision chain is somewhat different."
yes I know but as her DC is going to be there all day every day it won?t just be access to dyslexia recourses that he will get. Boarders participate in a wide variety of other activities as well. IME of working in a boarding school it is often the ?little things? that cause the unhappiness for example a non-sporty child may not exactly be over the moon to discover that he?s got to stand on the rugby pitch come hell or high water four ? five times a week being shouted at by some ex England rugby nut. If you?re not 100% happy with boarding and missing home this can be the final straw.

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 15:01

Be positive believe in it don't talk about leaving if it goes wrong talk about the positives and sorting out any negatives.

Yes. Because if they think they have no escape they'll just knuckle down and accept the misery.

In her (14 years) experience when a boy had problems settling in it was almost always because of an unhappy mum in the background

With my DH it was the being beaten with cricket bats, hung out of windows and hearing other boys raped at night. Still, that was the 80s

happygardening · 23/05/2012 16:52

The key word is the 80s my friend would tell you a similar story and worse but again that was in the 80's. I doubt you'd find a boarding school in England like that now. They are very heavily regulated and inspected including by Ofstead who check out the pastoral care and facilities of independent boarding schools. Paretns no longer drop Johny off in September and pick hi up in December!
NarkedPuffin its time to move on or dont comment on something you obvioulsy know nothing about

TalkinPeace2 · 23/05/2012 17:05

I utterly agree with Happy on this.
What went on before private school staff had to be CRB checked has to be accepted by perpetrators, victims and onlookers as being in the past.
Boarding schools that turn out unhappy pupils will fall by the wayside nowadays

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 17:39

PMSL . The point is that bullying still goes on, children are still unhappy and if you adopt a 'don't talk about leaving' attitude you're condemning bullied children to misery. Because they just put their heads down and get on with it. As my DH did, as children have done throughout the ages, and as children are doing right now. They very rarely give the full picture when they tell about bullying. The truth only comes out later. And there are still boarding schools - and schools generally - suggesting to parents that it's the bullied child's fault for not 'fitting in' more. The difference with boarding is that there is no respite from the bullying - no safe place.

If they know they can come home and there's a strong reason to send them it can work.

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 17:40

And it was older pupils abusing younger kids, not staff.

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 17:42

Or do you think boarding schools are somehow immune from the problems that every other school has?

goinggetstough · 23/05/2012 17:54

narked no of course boarding schools are not immune to those problems. However did you send your DC to their day school and say if you don't like it we can change schools? That's what we are commenting on. It's not that no one listens to their DCs we all do and deal with the situations that arise and after 12 years of having a DC boarding (not the same one) I can assure that we have dealt with a number of problems just like you will have dealt with at your DCs day school.....

happygardening · 23/05/2012 18:00

I'm under no illusions bullying exists in every school be it day or boarding state or independent but I still doubt that you today in any boarding school the level of bullying you describe above. All staff have the welfare of the children in their care very much at heart, children are more carefully supervised than they were thirty years ago and as I?ve already said parents are much more prominent in the lives of boarding children and gone are the days of ?get on with it boy.? Bullying is openly discussed in lessons houses and forms and children are aware of independent listeners they can talk too. So NarkedPuffin I?m sticking with my original comment "its time to move on or dont comment on something you obvioulsy know nothing about!"

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 18:07

Actually, yes. I acquired my older ones because their parent wasn't able to look after them. They had to start new schools in a new area. I always made clear to them that learning was non-negotiable and a school was non-negotiable but that if they were unhappy about anything they could talk to me and that there were always options and always other schools. I hated the idea of them feeling trapped and having no way out.

I lost a friend at 16 to suicide and I saw others go through eating disorders because they felt they had no control over their lives.

NarkedPuffin · 23/05/2012 18:10

I've just looked back at the thread and seen you boarded your children from 7.

We have nothing to discuss.

Oeufman · 23/05/2012 18:20

My eldest DS is a weekly boarder - he loves it. We are not a family that considered boarding as an option - he kinda fell into it as his school offers activities not available in other local schools with a big emphasis on music.

DS loves it! Every day after lessons is spent on the sports field or piano.... He loves the friendship and activities. Our other DD are now wanting to go....

TalkinPeace2 · 23/05/2012 18:20

Good,
Then can we get back to the OP's issue which is all about giving a child who may struggle in a 'normal' school the chance to thrive.

msrisotto · 23/05/2012 18:21

I wouldn't worry about your DS Becky, he seems really keen! It could be the best thing you could do for him.

I know my DH had dyslexia but was also clever and bored so was a nightmare at school and wasn't doing very well. His parents sent him to boarding school and he only ever speaks highly of it, he was inspired by the teachers and the ethos of the place and had the structure to really knuckle down and came out great, did a double degree etc etc. I went to boarding school for sixth form which is a different kettle of fish so I won't bother posting my experiences.

happygardening · 23/05/2012 18:26

"I've just looked back at the thread and seen you boarded your children from 7.
We have nothing to discuss."
What do you think I am some heartless monster who doesn't give a toss about my DC's? My DC's neither have eating disorders or show any signs of any other problems with mental health there are plenty of ways of damaging children boarding isn't one of them.
I will repeat it again "its time to move on or dont comment on something you obvioulsy know nothing about!"

3rdnparty · 23/05/2012 18:36

I don't think I could (never say never though) but a friend whose judgement I greatly respect sent her dd due to the specialist help she would get for her dyslexia and that made a huge difference to her (DDs) life and she thrived at the school... she mainly weekly boarded though and came home every weekend,

I think she started at secondary age as well and later on often stayed at school for weekends if events/fixtures were on.....because she was home so much after a while my friend was amazed how normal it felt..... could you start like that??

Original poster

Becksharp · 23/05/2012 22:52

Thanks for all the replies - I am so new to the idea of boarding, I really appreciate the experience of others. If DS were to go away to school - and I really am coming around to the fact that it's the only way to get what he needs - then he would know that he was there for his benefit, not because I wanted him out of my hair which would be easier to deal with emotionally I hope! We would have to have a deal that he saw it out for a year before he could decide it wasn't for him (barring serious disclosures!)

We definitely need to make sure that the extra-curricular activities/ the ethos suited him, so I'm looking at all the options within a weekly boarding distance - even though he might end up wanting to stay weekends.

I can definitely get behind him (and emphasise my sadness at losing him) because his excitement at the whole idea shows me quite how tough he finds school-life now. Anything that can improve how he feels about himself is going to make me happy!

OP posts:

Original poster

Becksharp · 23/05/2012 22:56

Sorry that was supposed to read NOT emphasise!

OP posts:

grovel · 24/05/2012 09:23

Becksharp, which part of the country are you in?

Original poster

Becksharp · 24/05/2012 10:06

North west

OP posts:

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