How do you deal with favouritism in school?

[mummedagain]

I am getting really annoyed about apparent favouritism in younger DCs school. I have two children. Elder child goes to what I would term a normal school - teachers seem to like or dislike certain kids but nothing extreme. Everyone is treated fairly; praise in the form of prizes, commendations or certificates are given to a wide range of kids, equal preference for school trips, equal opportunity to apply for special events.

Deep contrast with younger child's school. Here they seem to almost operate a cult built around certain kids. Every year certain kids (about a dozen out of more than 1500 in the whole school) are honoured in a school ceremony and get their photos put up in the corridoor. The same kids always seem to feature in the school prospectus, website pics, the school magazine, meeting dignitaries etc. Recently we were treated to a school mail shot which was built around a long essay that one particular girl in DC's year had written; along with a fawning commentary from a teacher about how wonderful she is. I have never seen anything like it. The girl also has her own art gallery on the school public website - which no other child, however talented has. That is just a couple of examples based on a child in DC's year. Recently a school trip was advertised with only 40 places, which were apparently to be awarded on interest and effort in the subject. The girl and her friends all got places but my DC and none of their friendship group did; I queried it and was told that the places in fact drawn by lot and it was coincidence.

I know several parents that have complained about various incidents to do with favouritism but are basically told they are complaining because they are jealous! It is really having an effect on DC's confidence to never be as good as X - despite getting the same or higher grades in exams and reports. Don't know what to do. Is this school just really weird or is it something others have to put up with!

My DS is currently a small fish in his big secondary school pond but at his primary school he was the kid that was always selected for anything that required selecting. And, despite not doing violin at school, he would be selected over those who did, to play solos at assemblies and other school events. I know for a fact that some of the mums saw this as favouritism.

I am not grouping you with these mums. I'm just suggesting that its not necessarily favouritism at work. One or two teachers then maybe but I find it hard to believe that a whole school have decided to favour a small group of kids.

Thanks Pushydad! That is precisely why it is so weird and I am not the only one to have noticed it!

Reading your post gives me unpleasant flashbacks to my secondary school....and as ridiculous as it sounds it will be one of my criteria in choosing my dcs secondary school. No-one is saying that children shouldn't be praised for a talent or an achievement but when it is not proportionate other kids can suffer low self esteem if they feel that no matter their efforts they won't be rewarded or acknowledged. Feel for your dc - thought things had moved on a bit ...

Sorry about your horrible experience. You are quite correct to include it as a criteria for selecting a school. I was speaking to a parent recently who will not be sending her child to that school (and is moving out of the area to avoid it). She thought the favouritism was obvious even at open day. She also noticed that the prospectus contained extremely large photos of the head and his team - a double page photo of the head alone (not a pretty sight). It came across to her as a cult they had built around themselves!

:o have visions of a giant bloated head grinning out of a centrefold !! my headmaster looked and acted like that awful kilroy-silk. smarmfest.

We're looking at schools at the moment, but how could you spot this as an outsider?

We've been in similar situations with music departments at schools. They can't see past certain children and I think they were shocked when DS got into Purcell - he'd never been invited to perform in assemblies or take part in the "most talented musicians" concerts. It reflects badly on a school. Musically, it was a dull and uncreative environment as they kept showcasing the same children time and time again. I would like to hear what other kids could do! Once you'd seen one concert you'd seen them all.

Well in this school, they put the photos of a few kids up each year extolling their virtues and pretty much ignore the rest. Maybe ask about rewards and commendations and how many kids are included and how often. I also find the school newsletter to be most enlightening.

Colleger

The OP's school appear to be favouring those they perceive to be above the rest. Your problem is the flip side in that the school appears to be favouring those who aren't as good as your DS which is what the OP is complaining about. To me, that is understandable.

If your DS is good enough to get into Purcell then he is obviously miles better than the other kids in his school. If I was a parent there I would be going -Yes, I know your son is brilliant but can my son have a chance of playing his Grade 2 piece to the assembly?

I meant to say - which isn't what the OP is complaining about.

We and many others suffered years this for years at my DS's prep it became so bad that even the teachers complained. In my experience there are three groups of children team A:those that are picked for everything, team B those that are picked if the ones in team A are lying half dead somewhere and team C: not a cats hope in hell of ever being picked for anything. Which team you?re in is unrelated to obvious; intelligence, talent in a particular area, how wealthy your parents are or even how much they?ve contributed to your bursary fund, appearance or ability it?s all about how compliant and well behaved you are. Team A in general is filled with well-behaved children who strongly conform to a head teachers/senior members of staff idea of an ideal pupil. Team B are usually bright in many areas but non conformists and team C the badly behaved.
Many people vociferously complained the head of course denied it and nothing changed.

PushyDad - what I am complaining about is the same kids being singled out over and over again; if someone plays at a high ability or is outstanding in a subject I have no problem with that. My elder child was grade 8 in two instruments by age 14; I don't expect them to either hog all the solos at school concerts or be eclipsed by people of lower ability. When I attend school concerts a wide range of children of all abilities perform solos or as part of ensembles or the orchestras. That is right and proper. What is not right is for the school to depict a small group of children as elite and the rest as rubbish. It is not actually about academic ability either. My child is in the top set for everything and some of the "chosen" are not.

Happygardening, thank you, I think that sums up the situation very well. DC is quite shy, extremely polite, never in any trouble, but exceptionally shrewd and can see right through people. They are in no way set out to please teachers or smooze around. I have said I am proud that they don't crawl and a*lick (not in those words!), but I am angry that they are resigned to being seen as second best.

Your comments about being proud that your child doesn't suck up to the teachers either says a lot about your child's attitude or the school's. Not sure which side to jump yet :-)

I think most parents are happy for all to be given a chance its when only the same select few are given a chance/win all the prizes/get in all the teams/photos etc that parents get fed up.

PushyDad I did not say that. The music scholars could all have got into Purcell but they weren't below my son ability-wise. The school thought he was not as good as he was.

Please do not assume.

Agree about the behaviour aspect. I've known talented children who have received no awards or opportunities because they are non-conformists. You know the type that end up being multi-millionaires and stick two fingers up to power crazy teachers! Grrr

happygardening

I found your comments about how 'Team A in general is filled with well-behaved children who strongly conform to a head teachers/senior members of staff idea of an ideal pupil ' most interesting.

I think that an 'ideal' pupil is a child that listens, obey the rules and shows the teacher respect. I'm guessing that this is a teacher's definition as well. What other definitions are there?

Ok Team A maybe full of children "that listen, obey the rules and shows the teacher respect" but those are not the only positive attributes to have. I have brought my children up to listen to what is being said but to question things (courteously) as well to speak out if they see things that they know are wrong and to yes to show respect to teachers but also to school cleaners/kitchen staff/gardeners in fact as a general principle to all. In return my children should also be shown respect. Most children are happy obey rules but if they?re petty and unreasonable many children will not obey for the sake of it. Children have a well develpoed understanding of fairness when things are so obviously unfair they don?t like it.
In my experience if we treat people like savages they behave like savages but if we treat people fairly they will do the same in return.

I know exactly the type of people happygardening is talking about being in 'team a'. Why should someone who is able and works hard be penalised for not conforming to every rule?

Here?s a true story I was told by a friend. A mum is standing in playground DS is called Henry Smith. A fight erupts, teachers start running across playground shouting:
"Henry Smith" "Henry Smith"
Henry's mum turns to head teacher "your problem is Henry is off sick today!"
The problem with not being in the A team and even the B team is not just that you don?t make it into any teams and all of those other things but that you are frequently treated unfairly by teachers who assume that every time something happens you are to blame.

Yes, I have experienced Henry Smith type scenarios. :(

My daughter, although now a graduate and a wife and mother, still resents not getting the school history prize way back in the 80s. She had helped the ( somewhat thick) girl who DID get the prize with her essay. so, although DD had the highest mark (a) DD's school uniform was somewhat shabby and (b) the other child's mother was Chair of the PTA. We were given the inside story later by a friend who taught at the school.

Colleger - As I said in my initial post my DS is the one that gets picked for everything sports, music or otherwise. He is the one that gets picked to play in assemblies, the summer fayre etc. He is basically the teacher's favourite that this thread is complaining about [bblush]

Some parents have made the same complaints, obviously not to my face. And now that he is a music scholar at his indie some of the other kids have bitched about how they should have got a bigger slice of the scholarship because they are better musicians.

It is entirely possible that for some unfathomable reason the school had it in for your son but your complaints are the same as those that have been directed my way and I don't believe for a moment that my son has been shown favouritism by his old school or his new one.