Independant and State grammar Seconday education

[MauAnt]

Hi all

My son DD who has a conditional place at Eton in 2013 is going to a feeder prep boarding school in Oxford to complete year 7 and 8. We are by no means rich as we rely on scholarships and bursaries which thankfully he has for about 80% of the fees.

I have five children all who went or are in state primary schools and dd above is the 2nd, my daughter the older one who is 13 is in a state grammar school in Reading and her younger sister is in year 6 aged 10 is sitting exams for the same state grammar school as her sister and for some independent schools in Oxford. As she is academic we are hoping for a bursary/scholarship from the independent sector if she goes to one.

The question I ask myself is whether my other children aged 8 and 4 and the 13 year old in grammar school will feel resentment for not being privately educated as I intend to focus on only the state grammar schools in the future unless there are exceptional circumstances. I had to move my son to an independent school in Year 5 despite scraping 1/3 of the fees as he is very academic, a sportsman and needed that extra challenge. It transformed him from the boy who was bored at school and did not want to go to a very enthusiastic boy and one who eventually passed the initial Eton exam. My year 6 daughter is almost similar, aspires to be a writer has some of her work published in the Young writers books and I worry that in the state sector she will be suppressed. She is getting ready for the ISEB common entrance examinations in January and I am shocked at how little science is taught in state primary schools compared to independent schools which places her at a disadvantage.

I love all my children equally and do not want any of them to feel less favoured, I remind my daughter in Kendrick Reading about that. Just that these two children are different in their own way. Having said that if none of our bursary applications are successful and my daughter passes to Kendrick Reading (I am not taking it for granted) I will gladly jump at it. Also common sense tells me that I need to meet the 20% school fees for my son and not be looking for any additional fee commitments for my daughter. Help this confused lady who is trying to do the right thing but might be getting it all wrong

And I really don't know why you've asked this question on this board because you're not absorbing anyone's comments if they disagree with what you seem so set on doing. Even when you've got someone who has had direct experience of being a child in this situation.
But go ahead and do it, why not.

One of my colleagues is an OE and he feels stigmatised by his parents' choice of school. Most people we work with don't know he's an OE for that reason.

Happygardening - this OE is older than me, we went to the same university (at diff times obv) to read the same subject, but he's my junior at work and I went to a state school. So perhaps you shouldn't pre-judge how things might turn out for your offspring. My least academic sister is the most successful in her career.

I agree you dont have to be academic to be successful in your career but I am a also realist. We encourage our children to look at careers/universities that will suit them as individuals.

You don't have to be academic to be successful but I think the generation you come from Mrs J was far more equal. Only the brightest went to university and grammar school was a great social equaliser. However rigour has been eroded from all but a few schools and the attainment gap between inde and state is widening so I think today is very different from when we were at school.

Colleger I went to a dreadful Comp and have a doctorate from Oxford. DH went to a dreadful comp and teaches (once a year) at Oxford. Sandy Toksvig went to what is now a very good girls school, they threw a holiday when her and her friend got to Oxford. 10+ kids a year from the local Comp go to Oxbridge, lots more to other top Unis. I also used to have an OE window cleaner.
All the studies show that parents are the biggest predictor of success.

I see your point but I stick by my comment - yes, different personalities will make a difference to life outcomes but in terms of causing divisions twixt your children (if not now then as adults), you are assuredly setting up a state of affairs where this could be very likely.....

To quote Larkin They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

I work with people and frequently meet adolescence and adults who are jealous of their siblings. It is uncommon for different schools to be the sole cause of this. Often both siblings feels the same way and site numerous examples of this. Siblings we can find lots of things to back this up if they want to too; I always got her cast offs, she got a bigger room than me, the prettier dress, the white guinea pig they knew I wanted etc. But I suspect that in general most parents try hard to be fair although this does not mean treating them identically and do what they feel at that particular moment in time is the right thing or maybe the only thing they could do; there were only three bedrooms and one of you had to have the smaller room, the dress was not available in your size but you did get another one that you loved, but you were given a pony the previous year so your sister got the white guinea pig etc. In most cases one may have got one thing but the other gained in another way but it is human nature to forget.

Life is an immobile, locked,
Three-handed struggle between
Your wants, the world's for you, and (worse)
The unbeatable slow machine
That brings what you'll get.

Philip Larkin

I know a few families where one child went independent and another went to the local selective grammar. (A bit different than going to the local comp perhaps, I realise.) No tension there AFAIK - with the siblings I know best, it was entirely their choice and they are both fiercely proud of their alma maters. So if it is the child's choice I don't see a problem.

I'm not sure where this idea comes from that Eton sets boys up for some incredible career and all-round fabulous life (and that no girl's school can offer the same - the OEs I know are, well, posh... and averagely successful. They are teachers, lawyers and public servants. They're not David Cameron. (Thank god.)

More and more, I think the school you attend matters far, far less than the family you are from. At the school where DH teaches, most of the teachers' children attend (it's a public school), but a few go to the local grammar (which is very, very good). And you know what? Those who are now in their 20s all appear to have ended up in pretty much the same place on a social and career basis as their privately educated siblings.