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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Do I tell my DS I am disappointed with his GCSE results

71 replies

froot · 26/08/2011 09:09

He did not do half as well as he should have (nowhere near what his school predicted) because he didn't work hard enough. I am livid and disppointed and cross with myself for not pushing him harder but I beleived him when he said he had done enough revision (he is super bright but frigging lazy. Now his exam results dont reflect his braininess which is the fffffing frustrating thing).

He can still do the A levels he wants but his GCSE grades will probably adversely affect his chances at uni (he wanted to try for Oxbridge and now that is probably a no-hoper as the current state of affairs I beleive is 7 a and an average grade of almost a, plus A* in maths if you want to do a science - which he does)

I cant decide whether to vent my spleen at him now in the hope he will work harder at 6th form or whether there is no point as we cant turn back the clock and just wait til he gets to 6th form and then lay down the law.

So far I have said 'well done' but not gone overboard with the congrats.

I know he is a bit disappointed but he is so laid back he is virtually horizontal and I dont think he realises that these results (in this highly competitive time) are going to adversely affect his uni chances......

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/08/2011 23:42

Well I did go apeshit with my son over his results. OK, he passed them all, but he got nowhere near the grades that he should have got/was predicted to get.

But the reason I was cross with him was that he expressed himself 'happy' with his results - even though the fact that he got a C for one of them means he will not be allowed to do it for A level.

I was furious that he was happy to accept this - and I made no bones about this with him.

He is a very clever boy, but lazy. He thinks that by reading his books that he is revising them, and will not be told by his teachers or by me that this isn't enough.

I'm really hoping that this has been something of a wake up call for him. He was clearly shocked by my reaction. But he will have to pull his socks up if he is to get through his AS levels and do well enough to get a good university place (and we're not talking Oxbridge here).

cat64 · 26/08/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

froot · 27/08/2011 00:13

worthit your son and mine had similar revision method then ! Mine was scan / speed-read for a ten minute session then claim to know it .

Bloody granny wants to give him £20 per a star grrrr . But he is getting a good balance of congratulations from elsewhere which I suppose is good for him .

He just asked me how much I earned an hour and I decided to tell him(he gets minimum wage for his Saturday job) . When he picked himself up off the floor I explained in level tones that when I did my exams (o levels and a) I got up at the crack of Dawn revised solidly all day with scheduled breaks and that for six weeks of my life it was worth it because it got me where I am . He knows how much I love him - I hAve reminded him of that . Anyway I think I got the message across....time will tell!!

OP posts:

Original poster

froot · 27/08/2011 00:17

cat yes I have always said to both mine that it is the effort that I am interested in - and every school report I always have praised the effort grades not the level . It's the lack of effort pissing me off - if he had worked hard I would be happy.

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 27/08/2011 08:23

BIWI that is exactly the situation with my DS as well. He got 2 Cs in things he should have got As for. I am concerned that he has seriously narrowed his choices for A level. Very frustrating, because it is not lack of ability to cope with that subject at a level that will preclude him from it.

Theas18 · 27/08/2011 08:39

I'm with lougle on this- he gets A* and As and it isn't good enough for you?? He needs to look at where he wants to be/ where he wants to go and the grades/ work required for that....He is old enough go take charge.

It actually sounds from your posting that you want him to consider Oxbridge- if HE actually wants to do it then HE needs to wake up, snell the coffee and fight for every last Mark in his exams.

But actually that lifestyle of dog eat dog, fighting to score points from your mates all the time may not be for him- after dd got turned down at interview several people said that her personality was such they though the uber competitiveness wouldn't make her happy, and they are probably right-she's v bright and diligent but too much of an airhead really for that.

ragged · 27/08/2011 09:34

Hmmm.... I dunno. It seems to me that ability to work hard is as innate a talent as brains. And you have to accept that. I also have a bright DS who is likely to underperform one day at GCSEs... because he is so bone idle. But I have always known that he is like his father that.

Maybe I'm guilty of negligent complacency, it's not that I don't try often to push the message that hard work pays off, it's just that I've accepted already that the msg may never go in. And if DS never has that ability to work hard & make the most of his natural gifts then so be it, I cannot make his life for him.

So I do understand disappointment that OP & others have felt, I just have a different attitude about it (already, DC1 is only 11).

Maybe it's different for me because I come from a family of spectacular losers & many others that are merely struggling; not all of them thankfully, (big family, very diverse abilities, many paths to a successful & fulfilling life). So my perspective is not skewed by Oxbridge expectations. Paying your taxes, holding down a job, not getting addicted to drugs, those are important & not guaranteed achievements in my family.

MigratingCoconuts · 27/08/2011 10:55

It seems to me that ability to work hard is as innate a talent as brains

not in my experience.

I'm sad to see 'being happy' was not on your list there ragged.

Nospringflower · 27/08/2011 11:08

My son is much younger but already gets stressed about tests, being in the top group etc. I know he will always work hard and do well but I would prefer that he did less well and was less stressed / anxious about his marks. I think you said above that you hoped he/you could have it all. I think being laid back is a great trait

MrsMipp · 27/08/2011 15:22

MC - would you care to elaborate on why you don't think that an ability to work hard is a talent? I'm not exactly sure what you are getting at.

From my own perspective - I'm not sure that being able to apply yourself is innate, but it is certainly as important as being intelligent. And it can be a difficult skill both to instill and learn.

All this reminds me of one of the most irritating lines that far too many people with 2.2's (or 3rds) in their degrees come out with. "Oh - I could have got a 2.1 if I'd worked ". Well - yes - but what's the relevance?

It's interesting reading the comments here. I can totally sympathise with the OP. I think it's utterly understandable for her to be disappointed as she had her expectations built up.

But her ds has still done very well. And he hasn't got the grades he got by doing absolutely no work - even if it seemed like it. So, yes, be disappointed, but still be just a little bit proud.

mountaingirl · 27/08/2011 16:21

How sad for your son that you are disappointed with his results.

I agree with lougle & thea.

For goodness sake the majority of his results are A*s and A's. You should be proud of him.

exoticfruits · 27/08/2011 16:42

I would sit him down and see if he is disappointed. Ask him what he really wants to do. Does he want to go to university?
It is a bit like passing the 11+ in that it is the first hurdle-the rest is the hard part. There is no point in him going if he isn't self motivated to do the work. You could have pushed him harder-but to what point if he can't/won't do it himself?

StealthPolarBear · 27/08/2011 16:56

Are GCSEs so devalued now that an A* is bog standard, A is fine and anything less is a fail?
OP, not specifically aimed at you, I have noticed this loads recently. OK I did GCSEs 15 years ago but anything C or above was an achievement. A* ( had just come in) were the absolute top grade and only a few got them.
If that is the case it's damn unfair on the students - the work their socks off, only to get an A*, like everyone else. There is nothing to differentiate any more.

CrosswordAddict · 27/08/2011 17:12

froot I can feel your anger and frustration in your op and I do feel sympathy for you. You have done amazingly well to get this far with your son and deserve a pat on the back.
However, employers are looking for hard workers (at whatever level) My point is that your son can't expect to gain a top job (or any job) on the strength of being good at scanning and skim-reading info. Surely he can see this?
He is far from dim and just needs to learn , or relearn, good study habits. These will definitely be an asset when he gets to uni. Maybe his school could be doing more to support him. Are they aware of his aspirations? Or are they in the category of "We'll collect the glory if he does well"?
Try to pin the school down and get a definite study plan in place before he starts Sixth Form. Otherwise the next two years could be a waste of time.

webwiz · 27/08/2011 17:39

I think some kids "get" the hard work thing earlier than others - DD1 was a pain during GCSEs, not much better at during A levels and then transformed at university into a diligent, high achieving student (we thought she'd last a week!). There were a lot of carrots and sticks waved around but until she decided she wanted to do well they had fairly minimal effect.

ragged · 27/08/2011 17:59

Stealth: just look at the results thread on MN; most school leavers are not getting mostly A*s. It's media hype to try to devalue As, etc.

MigratingC, but what is "being happy"? Being happy is wanting what you have, not having what you want, right? My point is indeed that OP's dissatisfaction may be the difference between her being "happy" and her son being "happy".

My niece (identified as highly gifted at the age of 5yo) is 20yo, living in a squat (we think), has no qualifications to her name, could not be located to be informed about her own mother's death. Does she think she's happy? In terms of long-term happiness, I suspect she'd choose "functional" over whatever the heck she's got, anyway.

catwalker · 27/08/2011 18:10

Exactly webwiz - there's no point in the OP berating herself for not having pushed her ds harder. He's got to want to do it for himself.

My ds is one of no doubt thousands who underperformed at GCSE (predicted A*s and As and has got a clutch of Bs and Cs. The only As he got were for Maths and Science which he sat early in year 10). He didn't put the effort in this year but I'm just relieved he got enough to get into the sixth form. It's hardly unique for a boy's exam results to 'not reflect his braininess'. The OP's son's results may not, in her view, reflect his intelligence, but they DO reflect his drive and attitude to work which is just as relevant to any future career. Like my son, he's got to learn to work hard if he wants something - parents can't push them through GCSEs, A Levels, Uni and then go to work with them every day!!

Cupawoman · 27/08/2011 19:40

"I think some kids "get" the hard work thing earlier than others" Agree Webwiz. DS1 coasted through GCSEs and underperformed did nothing for A Level but still managed respectable grades (Bs). I tried to gently discourage him from applying to uni as I thought he lacked maturity and application. He wouldn't be dissuaded however and has, for the first time, learned how to apply himself - finally, he gets it - I have never seen him work so hard. In the end it came from him but he was 19 before he got there.

quirrelquarrel · 31/08/2011 21:59

Steer him towards Oxford, not Cambridge. They don't put so much weight on GCSEs. TSR is full of stories about people who got in with great A levels and a mix of As and Bs otherwise at GCSE. Oxbridge isn't necessarily over (unless it's super super competitive, like Law).

Whatmeworry · 08/09/2011 21:58

I'd be prepared to bet that nearly every kids who doesnt perform as expected was a boys. They only really kick in later, and i feel the current system discriminates against them big time as so much of your future is set by GCSEs now.

(I have 2 DS and a DD, the girls are just way more conscientous in their teens IMO)

dizzyblonde · 09/09/2011 18:57

He sounds like my DS, totally and utterly laid back. He was at one of the most academic schools and as far as I can see did no work/revision pre exams.
He did suprise me by getting all A's at A Level but I know with a little work he could have got A stars. However he is relaxed and happy and off to his first uni choice in 2 weeks, he refused to consider Oxbridge as he quite rightly said 'it would mean too much work'.
With hindsight I am grateful that he is a nice lad with interests beyond xbox and has got where he wants to go.

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