Do I tell my DS I am disappointed with his GCSE results

[froot]

He did not do half as well as he should have (nowhere near what his school predicted) because he didn't work hard enough. I am livid and disppointed and cross with myself for not pushing him harder but I beleived him when he said he had done enough revision (he is super bright but frigging lazy. Now his exam results dont reflect his braininess which is the fffffing frustrating thing).

He can still do the A levels he wants but his GCSE grades will probably adversely affect his chances at uni (he wanted to try for Oxbridge and now that is probably a no-hoper as the current state of affairs I beleive is 7 a and an average grade of almost a, plus A* in maths if you want to do a science - which he does)

I cant decide whether to vent my spleen at him now in the hope he will work harder at 6th form or whether there is no point as we cant turn back the clock and just wait til he gets to 6th form and then lay down the law.

So far I have said 'well done' but not gone overboard with the congrats.

I know he is a bit disappointed but he is so laid back he is virtually horizontal and I dont think he realises that these results (in this highly competitive time) are going to adversely affect his uni chances......

OP can I suggest you encourage your DS to attend a fairly local but very good university open day in Sept/Oct?
DS did this and went to the Bristol Open Day. Being among the very bright Y13 students, sitting in the lecture halls and listening to the lecturers was a far more powerful incentive than anything we ever managed to say to him. He was also far better focussed and did more research than many of his friends because he could "see" the end result.

oops, don't know where that extra my came from

absolutely agree with you Cupa, absolutely!!

And I think op knows her own son equally well.....

Froot "As he was always weirdly clever we have worked incessantly on his social skills (and not hot housed him )and that has paid off so i know I should be happy he his well adjusted and normal rather than being stressy and geeky with no friends."

You sound like a fab parent who IMO has done everything right - some things take longer in life before you see the real payback.

Maybe I am projecting. I was expected to excell at school. Did very little work and got A, 4As (would have been A for science but teacher wouldn't put me in for higher paper because she thought I would flunk due to no work), 4Bs.

The expectation put me right off, I flunked my A-levels, then refused to apply for University until everyone got off my back, then chose a Uni through clearing and told them.

I hated that everyone thought they knew what I was doing with my life.

awww thanks cupa

I agree with Lougle and also that Merrylegs speaks fantastic common sense.

There is frightening intensity from some mothers on MN, almost always Oxbridge focussed. Very worrying and apt to go wrong.

Oxford and Cambridge are fabulous places but not worth making a DC miserable over, if hard work isn't his thing.

What is the most important thing in life? I think we'd all agree that it's happiness.

You want your son to do well, to fulfill his academic potential and to have a great career. Nothing wrong with that. However, look at the people you know who have studied constantly to get far. Are they any happier? Your son is very bright. In my opinion, when it is clear that someone is clever, the other things become more important. Does he have friends? Can he communicate easily? Does he have fun? Many clever people miss out on all of this. It sounds to me like he has the best of both worlds. Well done him, and well done to you too.

Now please tell us his results!

LLPIS his results were really really good (and I know I should be thankful as many would be dancing from the rooftops with his results) just not the straight A's predicted. 5 A 5 A 2B

No flack from me at all. As a teacher I completely understand what you are trying to say and your reservations about his results.

Absolutely agree with cupawoman, we have one of those at home too, brilliant and logical mind, but chilled too chilled for his own good, breadth of his knowledge is vast, and part of me hopes he will do well, but I do get worried about him.
My concerns are not so much with his grades, they are more to do with his whole attitude towards work and life.

I understood what you were saying completely froot, but your focus on Oxbridge may well make him unhappy if you push him too much in the next year or especially if he doesn't get in. If you're 'livid and disappointed' about a couple of B's how will you help him get perspective if an 'unsuccessful' pops up against Oxford on UCAS Track?

I've tried to make sure that mine see there are other great places to go, that seems the better way round.

Exams are buggers, they frequently do reflect a person's braininess but they often don't.

FWIW I know a very clever boy who's starting this year for the same course your DS would like to do with almost identical grades.

It is indeed sad that 'just' an A is now not good enough - and I'm not meaning that as a go at you, froot because it's not just you. It's the whole culture surrounding GCSEs and A levels.

That said, slacking off when effort would have got you better grades is a shame. It is tricky to do but I think there is a conversation waiting to be had here where you say a) you are proud of him and love him always, unconditionally, and more than anything want him to be happy, and b) you know he is very smart and want him to achieve his full potential because it seems like that would have a good chance (though not certain) of making him happy - and that sometimes in sixth form that might involve short-term sacrifice for long-term gain.

Dear froot and others with interest, there was a lot of revising and lot of changes have taken place vis a vis applying to Oxbridge, this link gives clear instructions who should and could possibly apply for Oxbridge, I have read with interest bit about interview:
www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Applying_to_Oxbridge hope it helps

I've said almost exactly that to both DS2 and DS3 EightiesChick!

The best advice is on the Oxford University website and its Cambridge counterpart. Open Days are invaluable too.

Froot I am in EXACTLY the same situation. Although my son was never intending to apply to Oxbridge, and I wasn't expecting a full complement of A stars, I was expecting more than he got. And what's pissing me off is that he seems happy enough with a set of results which whilst not terrible, are a bit mediocre and certainly are not a reflection of his ability.

I have reacted the same as you. I don't feel I should be lavishing him with praise and perhaps a financial gift, because I know damn well he didn't revise much, or manage his time properly, or make much of an effort at all except in the final few hours. I think he should know that I am disappointed, because he has let himself down.

On the other hand, everything he took came back A-C grade, no total flunks, and it could be so much worse.

I said his results were 'quite good' and 'ok' but I refuse to say more than that because it's not true. It's not about whether the grades are high or low, it's about whether he has done himself justice, and he hasn't. He was really sulking with me yesterday, saying nothing is ever good enough for me. I feel really awful - I don't to knock his self-esteem, but I don't want to let him think he can sail through life being rewarded for half-hearted effort either.

there really is nothing at all wrong with A grades (or even B, C or D grades). The important thing is what someone should have got and anything less would be letting yourself down, if what you have done is wasted away revision time not putting in any effort.

In this case, Op is saying that DS should have got A* grades in line with his ability.

Given his actual results (I thought you were going to say he got mostly Bs & worse when he was projected all As/A*s) I think, OP, you are projecting too much on him what you want and not what he wants or will be happiest with. He is still finding his way and about himself. He is not (for now?) cut out to do the level of work you (or Oxbridge?) want from him. So I don't feel you should "vent" anything.

His path will be littered with minor disappointments, not getting to Oxbridge is not a huge thing unless you want it to be.

I got into Oxford ( albeit 13 years ago) on 3 A*s 3 As 3 Bs and a C.

I did have 3 A s at A Level but not all in traditional subjects. It depends on the subject - I got in to read English - but I think once you get that interview it really is about how you perform on the day.

I know I got in over many straight A* students. Oxbridge aren't looking for all rounders, they're looking for talent in the subject.

I could have been your son at GCSE (1A, 10A's and a B - everyone expected 12As). He will already be gutted and doesn't need you to make him feel any worse. What he will need is help going into his A-Levels. I didn't revise for mine, mostly because I didn't know how. I'd sailed through school without needing to work and all of a sudden at A-level I did but didn't know how. The teachers focus on the ones that struggle, not the ones who sail. He'll need help developing working stratagies that aren't just "read and assume I'll remember it".

Re the Oxbridge thing - the OP said that her DS wanted to apply for Oxbridge, not her? Which does mean stellar results. Though I don't think straight A*s are always required (could be wrong) - I think A level results and interview mean a lot more.

Assuming he still wants to try for Oxbridge, I think the focus should be on working for his ASs and A levels - not on his GSCE results.

I coasted GSCEs - got a mix of As ans A*s but not as well as I could have done had I worked a bit harder.

And then I carried right on coasting for the first few weeks of 6th form. Until one of my teachers wrote some quite scathing comments on one of my essays. I recall the words pretty much exactly - "Very disappointing. This is desperately thin and you are capable of much better B-/C".

This criticism from my teacher (who was quite right, I hadn't made any effort) had a much, much bigger effect than any nagging from my parents could have done.

Is there any chance you could arrange a "word" from one of the teachers he respects? Tricky I know if he is moving schools.

i think the vast majority of boys don't work hard enough.Have you not read this in the newspapers today?
I am also concernedthat because of early promise you have pigeon-holed him as being extremely academic, and I am sorry to say I hacve seen far too many 'genius' tots grow up into mediocre secondary school students.
Furthermore much more worrying than his lack of A*s is that you seem to think it is your job and his teachers job to push him. He will get nowhere in life if he doesn't step up to the plate himself!

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. My DS was predicted As across the board based on ability. In the end he got one A, a handful of Bs and Cs, a D and a U. Luckily he scraped into the 6th form, but with some hurried readjustment to his AS choices and he has missed out on studying the one subject that he absolutely adores.

The frustration at seeing a bright boy almost blow it completely is huge, and purely through lack of application, so I have sympathy for the OP. I've taken the view that he knows he has under-achieved incredibly badly, he has admitted that he did nothing for the two years of GCSE and he will need to step up and get on with it in September.

I completely agree with the poster who said that September won't be the problem though - it will be at half term that it will all start to go pear-shaped again. Work on that issue, OP, and good luck.

Agree with spiderpig about overrating early promise.

There's something faintly absurd about Oxbridge talk before GCSEs are done and dusted.