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Secondary education

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Original poster

Should a 10 year old be allowed to choose?

29 replies

dalek · 01/03/2011 12:07

My dd has a place at a selective independent school for year 7. She is already at the Junior School. She is quite happy there.

However she would prefer to go to one of the state schools in our area - due to catchment it is very unlikely we will get it. If by some miracle we do get the school of her choice do you think she should be allowed to make the decision?

She is only 10. I have tried to establish what it is she likes about this particular school but she says she just likes it better.

We as her parents should make the decision shouldn't we?

I have to go out now but will be back later to look at replies. Please let me know what you think.

TIA

Dalek

OP posts:
ilovemyhens · 01/03/2011 12:10

No, parents should make the decision.

I went along with my ds1's choice of secondary school and sent him there because it seemed reasonable and all his friends were going there.

I pulled him out after only a month of attendance and sent him to a school six miles away.

He's like a different child now and is thriving and enjoying his learning tremendously - something which wasn't acceptable at the other school Hmm

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 01/03/2011 12:11

Dalek - my feeling is that yes, as parents, you should make the decision. However, I would listen to what she would like, but I would explain that I will be deciding based on what each of the school offers and that if she wants to have some input into the decision that's fine, but 'I like it better' does not cut the mustard.

Sometimes you have to go completely against what they want if you know it's not the best one.

Life's tough.

bigTillyMint · 01/03/2011 12:16

Surely she has a reason for preferring the state school.

Or maybe she isn't as happy at the current school as you think she is?

I would want to delve alot deeper with her to find out what she is really thinking, and why.

I think it should be a joint decision - if necesary with a lot of talking to reach an agreement.

BlackType · 01/03/2011 12:22

Agree with ChippingIn.

NAR4 · 01/03/2011 12:23

Tough decision.

Have you pointed out the many benefits of the selective school and the impact it would have on her future. Talk to her sensibly and honestly about the consequences of her decision on her future. Maybe explaining that current friends will all be parting ways sooner or later might help. I do agree with Chippingin that 'I like it better' is not a good enough reason though. I suspect it is based on where most of her friends are going and nerves about going somewhere else. Make comparisons to college, uni or work. I asked my children if they were going to go to a crap uni. because it meant they could be with their friend who hadn't worked as hard as them at school. This helped them to realise that they would only be cheating themselves.

My children all got into selective schools and wanted to decide for themselves whether to accept the place. It nearly broke my heart thinking they could throw it all away, but my parents sent me to a school I didn't want to attend and I hated the rest of my time at school because of it. Eventually my children did all decide to go to the selective school, I think they just wanted the power of deciding for themselves.

Good luck, I hope your daughter decides what you would like for her is best.

Eglu · 01/03/2011 12:24

I believe it should be the parents choice, andshe hardly puts up a great arguement for the other school. Has she ever been there? You need to know why she wants the other school.

PlanetEarth · 01/03/2011 12:26

I'd say 10 year olds should choose only if you are happy with their choice and they can express valid reasons why. If she just "likes it better", either she's having trouble explaining or she knows you will see her reasons as inconsequential (e.g. 5 minutes less walk or something).

thumbwitch · 01/03/2011 12:33

Parental choice, I would say, unless they have a Very Good Reason for not going to your pick.

I am very glad, though, that I got into the independent school I did because my parents' first choice of state secondary was one that only one other girl in my entire year of junior school was going to. And I didn't even know her that well. Plus the school was quite a distance away (many years ago, before the catchment area thing was tightened up so much) so it's unlikely that many girls at that school would have come from my area --> no local friends.

Mind you, I would include this as a Very Good Reason:
none of her friends are going there but her arch enemy/school bully is.
I didn't have the arch enemy thing, but none of my friends went to my independent school (although there were girls there that I knew, we weren't really friends) and it was hard making new friends, especially as many of the other girls already knew each other from junior school and had their friend groups already set up.

Original poster
dalek · 01/03/2011 15:33

Thank you for your thoughts ladies.

Most of her class are going to the Independent school, it is nearer than the state school, she won't know anybody at the state school. To me it sounds like there is a problem with her current school but we have talked about it a lot and no problems come up. I have spoken to her teachers, the mums of other girls in the class - nothing has come up.

Her best friend is going to another school, but not the one she wants to go to. Maybe it's the thrill of somewhere new?

OP posts:
Original poster
dalek · 01/03/2011 15:34

Sorry to go on but it's not that she doesn't want to go to the independent school - she wants to go to the other one more.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/03/2011 15:36

is her independent school single sex? Is the state school she wants to go to joint? Might that be something to do with it?

Ooopsadaisy · 01/03/2011 15:40

You need to find out her reasoning for her choice.

Her choice may be based on extremely valid, sensible and long-term thinking.

If her reason is - "'Cos the boys there are hot" - then this is not valid.

If she says - "'Cos my mate's sister goes there and she's told me they have the most amazing science facilities and that will help me to get the best grades to help me into my medical career" (or words to that effect) then it is very, very valid.

10 year olds can be very perceptive and make good decisions sometimes. Don't necessarily dismiss them.

NAR4 · 01/03/2011 15:40

Maybe she is just trying to have some say in the decision. Pitting herself against you so to speak. I know my 2nd son def. used it as a control thing. The more he thought it would bother me the more likely he would have been to choose not to go. I think it has to be your decision but would make life A LOT easier if you could persuade her round to your way of thinking.

Ormirian · 01/03/2011 15:43

Ask her why. Tell her if she can't come up with a reason that makes sense she will have no say in the matter but if she can you will discuss it.

Yes you should have the veto but not fair not to find out why she thinks what she does.

thumbwitch · 01/03/2011 15:44

What attracts her to this other school? DOes she know someone who goes there? Has she ever been there? Can you arrange with the school for her to go in one day and see what it's actually like? (You too)

mary21 · 01/03/2011 15:53

Does she have an idea it would be better fr the family financially if she moved to a state school? does she feelunworthy of a private education?? Does she have moral principles which make her anti private?? In many ways it seems odd she doesnt want to stay with the bulk of her class.
Do you like the state school?? Sorry no real answers

alarkaspree · 01/03/2011 15:59

Depends on how you feel about the state school, but I think if I felt both schools were good choices I would certainly take her preference into account. I agree she's not expressing a good case really, but her gut feeling is a valid point of reference.

pranma · 02/03/2011 11:46

Have you visited the state school with your dd?How does she know about it-she must have what seems to her to be a valid reason for this,you just need to find what it is.

MumInBeds · 02/03/2011 11:52

If she is able to give good clear reasons for her preference then it certainly deserves a discussion but the final decision is yours.

Is it worth visiting the other school? That might show her that you are taking her feelings into account even if you decide to stay with the independent school in the end.

mmsmum · 02/03/2011 12:04

I've recently been through this with my 11 year old DD re. her place for S1.

She didn't get into the ind. school we wanted, but did get into another one. She had said right from the test day that she didn't want to do to that school, we had another tour and she still didn't want to go. Like your DD she couldn't explain why, just that she didn't like it. I'm not prepared to spend a fortune forcing her to go to a school she doesn't like so we turned it down.

PixieOnaLeaf · 02/03/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notcitrus · 02/03/2011 15:08

Could she be aware of how much a private school costs and think any of that she shouldn't cost the family so much, or that if she went to the state school you could all go on great holidays/mum give up work/get a pony?

When I was 10 I was given the choice of either going to expat school for a year and then boarding school, or boarding straight away - I chose the former simply because I didn't want to leave my parents, and told them so. But they also found 2 boarding schools that would take me and gave me the choice between them. I flat-out refused to go to the first, and said I'd happily go to the second. My parents were doubtful, as school 2 had a much less good reputation and was clearly run-down. But gave in and it worked out very well for me (stellar GCSEs+A-levels etc).

What I couldn't articulate at the time was school 1 appeared really snobbish, sticklers for looking neat and tidy at all times, and I'm permanently scruffy, and the site was huge and I felt lost and scared and it appeared really impersonal, and the housemistress who claimed everyone had to eat rice pudding gave me nightmares for ages because rice pudding makes me feel sick. And the place was ugly and the uniform hideous, which rightly my parents didn't take seriously.
School 2 had pupils with their socks sliding down and didn't look like you'd get into trouble for spilling or breaking stuff, and had cosy cubicles and seemed small and friendly even with all the huge people.

I'm hugely grateful that I got to choose - I feel as long as a choice isn't incredibly bad for reasons you can explain, then a 10-year-old knows what's right for them at the time. Their needs may change but most private schools have entry at 13 as well as 11, or there's sixth form. A state school, local friends, and perhaps some supplementary tuition and activities could work out well.

princessparty · 03/03/2011 18:50

No.being a parent is making choices that they don't have the maturity or life experience to make for themselves

CrazyHorse · 03/03/2011 19:04

No, When DC1 was 10 he wanted to go to the school that handed out chocolate coins when he looked around. (It was a massive, rough school which he would have hated) He didn't want to go to the grammar school because he had heard they get loads of homework. I chose another school completely. I like that it's a faith school, he claims he's an atheist. I get a few more years of decideing what's best Mwah hahaha!

You are the parent, so you get to decide what's best for them.

stream · 03/03/2011 19:08

I know two girls whose mum asked them what their choice was, then put her choice down on the application form.

They were so disappointed.

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