My son has just burst into tears, and he never cries. Please help :o(

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My son is in Year 7 at a newish state school. He used to go to the 1 class per year primary but we moved out of the area to go to the same school as the other children.

He is a bright boy and very sensitive....and very ginger. he is musical and sporty but the kids at his school are predominantly froma poorer background and there are lots of fights, bullying etc. He feels really intimidated and has told me he has no friends, despite being the most popular boy in his old school.

I was just driving to my Mums and he told me about an old friend of his that has moved schools and as we started talking everything came flooding out and he was crying uncontrollably and said that his only friend has now said he cant be friends with him for fear of being beaten up.

He said that even if I speak to the head of year it cannot change the intimidating atmosphere of the whole school.

I come from a very working class background and went to a rough school and didnt want him to go to a predominantly white, middle class school but this is just awful. The other 2 closest schools are also dire. How do I get him in to the school he wants? Please help me.

Kerrymumbles That is an incredibly emotional statement to make and no doubt will make OP feel absolutely awful

1. Impress upon your son that it?s not his fault. Get all the details from him, all of them
2. Keep a diary of the incidents and record everything that happens date and time and what was said.
3. Tomorrow (and I mean tomorrow) - see his teacher (or head of year) about the problems. Put the problems in writing. It needn?t be long and rambling just short and to the point. ?I am very disappointed to find that ? My son is very unhappy at school because ??
4. At the end of next week, check with the school to see what has been done. Ask them what progress has been made regarding these problems.
5. If you are not happy that the problems are being addressed then take it up with the Headteacher. Ask what progress has been made regarding the problems.
6. You may choose to approach one of the Governors about the problems ?I?m concerned about ? I want to make sure that I?m going about this in the right way?. The Governors should check that the correct procedures are been followed.
7. How the school addresses parental concerns is a measure of how good the school is.

Kerrymumbles
i mean it. i hear about this sort of thing ALL the time in Ireland. It's an epidemic. and very worrying
Please provide the newspaper website link to that incredibly inflamatory and unhelpful comment or remove it.

Make sure your son knows it is NOT OK, no matter what happens. You are his mum, he needs to know he can rely on you to at least support him.

I'm a careers adviser working mainly with year 11s. I have come across a number of youngsters over the years who told me they were bullied in the early stages of secondary but learned ways of dealing with it and eventually overcame it. The school I work in does have a Fighting Against Bullying (FAB) scheme - they train some of the kids to be peer mentors, and any kids who are being bullied can approach a mentor in confidence. I would certainly have a meeting with the school but be guided by what your son wants - there are pros and cons to moving schools and kids can be very sensible about making the right decision, especially if they feel they are being listened to. Good luck!!!

Your school sounds lovely TheFarSide. Sadly, it's pretty clear that the OP's son isn't aware of similar help in his school.

Bullying is much easier to deal with when it is the traditional, one bully verses one victim. It often isn't though. Somehow one child becomes seen throughout the school as less worthy, less human.

I always remember one celebrity telling a story of how they had been bullied (I forget which celebrity). They told of how the bullies had pinned them against a wall and brushed their hair with a comb that has previously been used on a disgusting greasy girl. Imagine being that "disgusting greasy girl".

THAT is the worst kind of bullying, where the victim isn't even seen as being on the same level as the other kids. They might be poor or smelly, or they might be clever, or ginger, or have a speech impediment, but they somehow become apart from the pack. That child can end up beleiving exactly what the bullies tell them, and it can do untold damage through the child's life.

Because of that type of bullying, I used to self harm, then I started drinking too much and flirting/having sex with boys just to feel like I was worth something. I spent my teens and early twenties desperately trying not to be the quiet ugly frumpy girl that nobody would use the toilet after, and ended up with severe mental health problems, possibly linked to the childhood bullying.

You need to show him that he is worth more than this.

I went to a working class school. I would never send my kids to a school like the one I went to. I survived but was miserable for most of the time, and learnt things I wish I had't at such a young age.
My hot house flowers of children would find it very very hard to survive. A normal nice middleclass comprehensive is enough of a shock (and their primary had 3 forms per year), they really would struggle with a rougher school.

I would look around for somewhere he couldbe happier. Not everyone has to cope with the roughest end of society.

BTW my old school is much much better nowadays (and I don't think my Mum ever knew quite what was going on).

I think when there is specific bullying ie one or a group of children picking on another, then that can sometimes be dealt with.

But what the OP is describing is a culture...and atmosphere, that intimidtaes her son.
I'm not sure that a school can deal with that in sufficient time for the OPs son.

We've all been in a situation when we feel frightened and helpless. It's horrible. We leave as soon as humanly possible.

It's just not fair for a young lad to suffer that misery eight hours a day. Imagine what his stress levels must be like.

One thing I would add is that as well as actually taking steps as advised yourself, if you are considering moving him, agree together with your son on a time limit that he can focus on for change (and if nothing is better by, say, Christmas, then move). Nothing will happen overnight, and if you want to give the school a chance then OK, but he will probably find it easier to cope if he knows that there is a finite time to it, and afterwards he can have out if things really don't improve.

Poor lad, hope you all manage to deal with it as best for him.

TBH I don;t think it's about WC / MC: my ds1 / ds2 goes to a very MC school and it's the same- bullying fights etc. Whereas ds3 is at a very WC school that I adore everything about (he attends the SNU attached but the atmosphere is wonderful).

You do need to talk to the school, absolutely; as much for him to see you are in his corner as anything.

I wouldn;t move him immediately; ther are no guarantees in any school and he needs to learn to face problems head on but there is a caveat there that it would be time limited; if it were ds1 (and it has been, at a younger age) I would say 'we are going to do X and Y for Z weeks, and if that doesn;t improve things we will look into moving'.

One thing that stood out in the OP was that her son does have friends, but they are too scared to be friends with him at school. We all remember children in this position at school. Unfortunately, the common result is that it doesn't get better. For goodness sake give him a fresh start and a second chance. My friend did this after her DD became that kid at her very nice school. Her only regret is that she didn't do it sooner. Sometimes it is the best solution just to start over. I agree with the previous poster who said this doesn't teach resilience. It teaches children to become people pleasers, desperate to blend into the background and willing to put up with horrible relationships. No way would I send my child back to that environment. OP, can only imagine how hard this is but thank God you have such a brave articulate boy who shared it with you now.

op- it is not clear- is there a school that he could go to that would be better?

he is old enough to get on a bus etc- cast your net wide.is he your only/youngest child? if so it makes it easier to really put yourself out if you don't have younger ones to factor in.

in any event, get a plan- look at every better do-able school. Go and look at them. if they have places take your son to look at them. if spaces are not immediately available, put your sons name on the waiting lists. seriously, places do come up and even if you are 20th on the list, after the first term of year 7 probably the other 19 are unlikely to move their dc if they are settled.

also agree with others- absolutely tackle school and keep going with it. make a huge fuss and show your boy that you are his greatest champion.

Two main plans: Tackle the school and keep tackling them. MOre impportantly, tell your son that you are tackling the school and if things are not better by the end of term, you will take him out of that school.
Because it is easier to endure a horrible experience when you know it's not going to go on forever - that conditions will either improve or he will be able to escape will give him far more strength than being told to toughen up and accept.

Also, if the bullying escalates to the point of your DS being in physical danger ie beatings that mean he needs medical treatment, pull him out of the school immediately and insist the police are informed.

Hiya do check out my post Son miserable, underperforming, change of school? in the same group and see the answers I got there.
Our problems sound very similar.
My son is struggling with other kids' behaviour, the name calling and point scoring. He's flabbergasted that nobody reads and finds the lessons dull and uninspiring in the main, although there are some teachers he really likes.
My instinct is to move my boy and I'm actively looking into that, even tho having done well out of the state educational system myself I'll feel really awful about myself if we go private.
In your case I think you need to look at all your options -- state schools locally, may be the state schools that offer boarding, and if you can afford it local independent schools. But I do think you need to go into school and let them know they're not controlling their kids and your child fears for his safety each time he's there.
Looking back on school days it's easy to say we all survived but if a work colleague behaved towards you like these kids behave towards your child, would you stand for it?

Wow. Thank you everyone.

I am at university myself, so homeschooling is not an option. I rang the school this morning and spoke to a really sympathetic office lady who knows both of my children and she was suprised as she said my son was "so lovely and polite". At 1.30 I got a call from the school to say my son is sick with tummy pains and can I collect him? My inlaws pick him up and he went to bed.

I got a call from the head of year at 4pm who was sympathetic and seemed really saddened as he said my son is doing so well.

He said he will speak to my son and all of his tutors and see if there is any improvement.

I told my son that this was going to happen but that in no way does this means he has to stay. I said it merely means that the school want to at least try and make it right and that he is important to them. i also said if at any time he feels threatened or intimidated he just calls me and I will have someone there to collect himand he should just walk out, no questions asked and I would deal with the consequences.

I told him it is still very much my intention to move him if that is what he wants after he has spoken to the head of year and will go from there.

Does that sound like I have done the right thing?

By the way - I am certain his nausea and tummy pains were purely stress related.

I dont want to knee-jerk but I dont want my son to be the sacrificial lamb for school policy.