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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Ds was in tears as he's very unhappy at his new school.

68 replies

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 22:45

A couple of the boys have sworn at him, he was hit in the nose today making it bleed (the other boy did appologise and get him a tissue), he said he's finding it really hard to make friends and he's knackered as he's needing to wake up early to get to school on time.
It will get better won't it? Am I allowed to take him in a little later so he can sleep in or am I a wuss?

OP posts:

blinder · 13/09/2010 23:13

Also, in year 7 random friendships are common. Organise a cinema or bowling trip and get him to invite 3 classmates. Most 11 year old boys will gladly accept a free evening out IME.

GrimmaTheNome · 13/09/2010 23:14

From your last post, it sounds like he wouldn't want the boy who hit him to get into trouble and my feeling is he'd be right, so long as it doesn't happen again.

Poor lad though. My DDs not having any problems like that AFAIK but has been piteously tired some evenings. She was voluntarily early to bed - there's no option of being late in the morning realistically. Everyone says they'll be knackered the first few weeks then adjust, it'd better be true!

Is your DS still in touch with his old school friends, can they maybe meet at weekends or at least text each other - that might help him a bit.

blinder · 13/09/2010 23:15

Ok maybe it wasn't an assault. I'd still be speaking to the head of year.

Are there any after school clubs? Or lunchtime activities?

PixieOnaLeaf · 13/09/2010 23:16

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Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 23:18

He's seen his old school friends, he's done nothing but say how sad he is to be leaving primary school all summer. I keep telling him that things change and that he'll still have his friends on facebook/youth club but he's just so sad.

There's no clubs running yet.

Thank you
Thank you val

OP posts:

Orangerie · 13/09/2010 23:19

Belle, one of my friends set up all the clocks in the house half an hour earlier. It made the trick.

It could help him while he gets used to the new routine.

Pannacotta · 13/09/2010 23:19

I agree re after school/lunch time activities.
This would help him feel less alone and is a good way to make friends and build confidence, maybe something like swimming or tennis which are quite neutral and not too laddish.

Does the school have a buddy system?

PixieOnaLeaf · 13/09/2010 23:24

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Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 23:27

I'm taking him in tomorrow so I can ask. I don't think they have a buddy system, I'll ask them this aswell.

The clocks are already fast, he knows about it though.

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solo · 13/09/2010 23:28

It's a very difficult time for a lot of children; a big change. I had several phonecalls during the first few weeks from a lovely member of staff ~ they really do want the children to settle in well, so I think a phonecall to the head of year is a good thing to do.

My Ds has just gone into year 8 and I'm hoping it'll be a better year for him (not off to a great start though).

Hope things improve fluffy, but children can be very cruel sadly :(

Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 23:32

Thank you

OP posts:

Valpollicella · 13/09/2010 23:37

Belle, I have a couple of websites I can't message to you now as I have them on my FB page (which is playing silly buggers) but they are really useful in terms of strategies to cope with situations and potential bullying...

If you remember can you please remind me tomorrow and I can link them to you?

Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 23:41

Yes, I'll remember and give you a nudge The poor lads had a shit time over the past year. His grandfather had a massive stroke, his granny had treatment for bowel cancer, there was the problems with my mum, my crap health, the bullying, his dad being a twat. I'm not surprised he's sad

OP posts:

Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/09/2010 23:44

I need to go to bed.

OP posts:

Valpollicella · 13/09/2010 23:46

Ah Belle, sounds completely and utterly shit for both of you

Time for bed lady... It's late and you need to rest

Valpollicella · 13/09/2010 23:46

x posts

BED

Kushanku · 14/09/2010 06:10

My son is finding it hard to adjust too. He's been punched twice, first time for saying the wrong thing to a year 11 and then yesterday from the same year 11 just for a laugh (who then said he felt guilty, apologised, bought DS a yorkie bar and walked him half the way home!) I think sometimes the bigger boys just forget how much stronger they are than the year 7s. They have men's bodies, the year 7s are just little boys, there is no contest.

DS has made no friends as far as I am aware and is knackered from all the trailing around with a huge bag.

mummytime · 14/09/2010 06:14

Do try phoning the head of year, they are normally very clued up and caring with year 7s. And teachers can (and often are) be warned to keep an eye out for specific pupils.

Good luck.

basildonbond · 14/09/2010 09:40

Belle - you're paying for this aren't you? Do the staff dealing with your ds know that he's been bullied before and therefore is quite vulnerable?

Boys' schools can be quite testosterone-driven places which suit some but not all. It's pretty standard for 11 year old boys to swear at each other (never when a teacher might overhear!) and the 'hitting incident' was just rough and tumble horseplay. If your ds is going to be happy there, he will need to toughen up a bit, however there will be other more sensitive types there - they just need to find each other. Going to the library at lunchtimes often helps, and joining the more cerebral clubs (i.e. chess, debating, robotics etc) will help him buddy up with like-minded boys.

What you really mustn't do is treat him differently, or encourage him to see himself as different from the other boys. They will ALL be finding it tough, even the ones who seem really confident on the outside. But if you take him in late and excuse him from things at this stage you will be setting him apart from the others and going down a very dodgy path.

When ds started his secondary it took him at least the first half-term to stop feeling shell-shocked. He's now just started y9 and loves it.

FrogPrincess · 14/09/2010 10:15

good luck this morning Belle and ds, I'm sure with the right support your son will be fine, make friends and be happy x

scaryteacher · 14/09/2010 11:02

Phone his tutor and explain what you've said here. Ask her to sort out a buddy for him from the boys in the group. I had one very sad soul in my Year 7 tutor group who was finding school an issue. I got two of the other lads to buddy him, look out for him as he was the only one from his primary, and it worked. They kept it up for half a term until this lad had found his feet. He left with a pile of GCSEs this June (I went back for Leavers Day).

Tutors are only too glad to help (or should be) and the tutor will have noticed that there is a problem and may be on the way to sorting it anyhow.

Moving to secondary is confusing as different teachers have different expectations and it can be a challenge getting your head around that, as well as the lessons being subject specific in a way that they may not be at primary. He needs longer to shake down, but contact the tutor and make them aware of the domestic issues you've mentioned as well, as the HoY may be aware of these, but the tutor doesn't always get told.

Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 14/09/2010 11:17

Thank you. He does seem a little happier today. I emailed his personal tutor as I couldn't get in touch with him. The head of year should be aware that he was badly bullied but I've put this in the email to his tutor and asked whether they had a buddy system. It's a good idea about going to the library at lunch, I'll tell him to do that tomorrow.

He does know that everyone else will be finding it difficult aswell, he said the lad sitting next to him doesn't talk and he spends all lunch time going through his bag so I know ds isn't alone. I've suggested he chats to him.

Your poor ds Kush I really do hope he finds his place at school aswell. Please use this thread if you need anything.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 14/09/2010 11:25

My DS1 has just started year 7 too. I'm sure your DS's troubles will pass, just look how insignificant starting reception seems to him now, but at the time it was such a huge deal. Tell him everyone is on their own sometimes and it's no big deal. Stress that others will be feeling the same, but you can't tell from looking at them. And tell him to talk to people and be kind to them, they are feeling like him and they will be pleased if he talks to them.

Original poster

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 14/09/2010 11:32

Thank you, I'll see how he is when I collect him.

OP posts:

Litchick · 14/09/2010 11:35

Belle - I think what you're describing is not on.

Not that a bit of swearing and the duck game ( and it is a game - Boy A says cow, sheep, dog, cat, duck, then takes a swing and boy B ducks - fine if you know it, a bugger if you don't) are real problems.

But your lad needs a bit of tlc. He's beem bullied before and has, by the sounds of it, had a crap year. He's feeling fragile.

So let the school know. They will have, or jolly well should have, pastoral systems in place. Tell them what's going on and ask them what they intend to do, thus leaving them in no doubt that you do expect them to help in this.
No doubt they have systems to help wobbly new starters.

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