At my wit's end with bullying and son's school problems

[severena]

Sorry, this is a right old saga.

I am a long-term poster who has name changed and may change details to avoid being recognised.

my son goes into Yr8 next week. And I am feeling sick and anxious on his behalf already.
He had a rocky start to school after failing to get a place at any of the schools his friends went to. He was reasonably popular at primary. he is very sure of his own sense of being.
Anyway, 99 per cent of the other kids in Yr7 came with a bihg possee of kids who went to their primary school.
ds is a little quirky, very funny, very bright but has a few learning difficulties. Outside of school he makes friends pretty quickly and has some very long-standing friends.
But at secondary, he doesn't seem to have clicked with the herd. he has maybe 3 friends. He claims all the other kids hate hime. they call him a gay prick, because he has long hair. He says there is a private FB page for the Yr 7s called something along the lines of ''Our class rocks (except for X)'' :(
He says that he tries to keep himself to himself but he is followed round and jeered at and tormented. I have seen kids jeer at him in town.
he says he will not change his appearance in order to be popular. He says if it wasn't his appearance, it would be his taste in music (which is different to the herd) or something else.

I have just overheard him talking to his best mate (Who isn't at this school) and I just want to cry. His mate cannot understand why anyone would hate him. His mate is Mr Popularity at his school.

My son told his friend there was no point in telling anyone at school what is happeneing as, and I quote: ''what will they do? Call an assembly, talk about bullying and nothing will change. If it was one or two kids, they might get into trouble, but it is the whole school. Everyone hates me''

He has had a terrible year at school, becoming more and more demoralised and alienating himself from teachers, who now think he is surly and unco-operative.

I have obviously tried to talk to him, and made it clear that our house is open to anyone he wants to bring home for food/hang out etc...

I have even asked him to call childline, but he says talking about it makes him feel worse. he says there is one teacher who he might feel ok talking to at school, but he wouldn't talk to him, because he says it will make things far far worse.

what the hell do I do?

I can't change schools as the other schools are all selective, except for one, which is over subscribed and we are not in catchment for (though the catchment changes yearly)

And I can't home ed, as we can barely afford to make ends meet with both of us working.

I have another child who goes into yr 5 next week, who is also a bit quirky, and I cannt bear the thought of hime going through all this shit in 2 years time.

Please, please someone tell me what I can do?
I can't change my son's personality, can I?

I really feel for you. Went through the same with my son in Yr7 and took him out in the last couple of months of that year. He'd be going into Yr8 now but he's being home educated which I have mixed feelings about. I wish I could offer you some advice. All I can say is go into the school and speak to the head of year and explain why he's being surly and uncooperative as you say. Ask them what they are doing about it. Could they move the ones causing him trouble out of his class? Are there any particular times it happens that can be avoided somehow? Perhaps after the summer break things will have settled down so maybe give it a go. If it doesn't work out and you've tackled all angles with the school could you get your MP involved, maybe see if he can get a transfer to the school where his primary friends are? He sounds great in that he refuses to change his personality for them, my son is the same. Wishing you the best of luck.

Tabliope - I'm so sorry to hear your experiences. I wouldn't wish the last year we had on anyone :(

He says the whole school hates him, including most of the teachers, so not as simple as going in and saying ''A, B and C are vile to him, please keep an eye on things''

Ok, this is what I did in very similar circumstance. I approached every single child with DS as company to their homes (as it was mostly in the village). I asked each child to explain what they had against DS, if he had done something that had perhaps caused offence and got DS to explain what the child had done or said.

I told each child that they were going to leave DS alone, I didn't expect them to like him but there was no excuse for bullying him and made sure the parents were aware. I said that any further incidents were going to be reported to the police.

I approached the school and kept them informed of incidents out of school as it impacts on DS's esteem to be at school with people that were bullying. The school were made aware of my intention to go to the police.

When an incident occurred eventually, of a sexual nature, aided by one of DS's mates. I informed the police and the lad is being charged.

I looked each 'child' dead in the eye when I talked to them and said that DS was not their 'whipping' boy or punch bag. I also stated that there was no point in tormenting DS about me dealing with them.

DS had issues with me going in to schools and being 'seen' so I talked to them on the phone and also had their assurances that NO action would be taken unless I and DS were aware, so he wasn't caught unawares.

If he is on facebook and something comes up, I print it off, reply to the individual that I have done so and that I would be approaching the police if DS was subjected to further abuse.

It has taken the best part of a year, it hasn't all gone away, but the biggest % of it has.

I have climbed a steep personal learning curve and have come very close to throwing up sometimes. The school has an absolute responsibility to your DS. They need to be very aware of what is going on. Document it lovey, this sounds like it is escalating into something that will have a long term impact on your fabulous DS.

Big respect to him for recognising he shouldn't have to change. Mittz xx (( ))

severena,

I would ask to see the Form Tutor and Head of Year together so you can get this sorted. Ring them up when the term starts and ask for an appointment.

I am sorry you and DS are going through this.

Mittz that's really proactive and hope they were ashamed. Did you get any come back from parents, or even the school, for approaching those who bullied ds?

I didn't want to make my OP even longer, but to complicate things, we called an emergency meeting before end of term, as ds was struggling academically too. At the meeting, his lack of social network was talked about but I felt we were putting a rocket up the school over SEN and that to bring this up to was not right time or place, IYSWIM.

But I feel like the little dutch boy - I stick my finger in to block one hole and a dozen more leaks spring up elsewhere.

Mits, happy to accept that hug, thank you.

I feel so impotent.

it's seems that all the advice out there to deal with bullying is aimed at primary schools.

And my big, unspoken, concern is, what if is isn't 'them', what if it's him? How do you help a child into adulthood, when he feels like the whole world is against him?

I will tell you something that has even shocked me ..........my lovely eldest ds a fine,intelligent,friendly lad hated school ,school was the worst time of his life - he too never felt like he clicked in despite having many many friends.

There isnt much you can do primary school bullying yes there is but at secondary this weird sort of 'rejection' is harder to stop - I dont know how best to help him,is there a teacher who is there to deal with issues like this? is there a teacher you feel you could confide in? is there anyway of speaking to the LEA and hoping that they will try and get him in the school with his friends?.

Its fuckin miserable knowing our kids are sad and there F.A we can do .

Just wanted to pick up on the FB group...you should report it to the school immediately. If they don't take action, keep on at them. This kind of thing is more common than you think and any half decent school should do something. Cyber bullying is a big issue.

You need to report all incidents and keep a record of them. If it's confined to school, you should expect the school to do something about it. Ask to see the anti-bullying policy.

If the school doesn't sort the problem satisfactorily, write to the chairman of governors. If you're still not happy, write to the local authority, which has a duty to make sure your ds is educated in a safe environment.

I personally know of a child who was transferred to an over-subscribed school as a result of bullying. As a teacher, I've known others who have been moved. You need to have a strong case that the bullying wouldn't occur at another school. Don't be afraid of complaining and don't delay, hoping that the situation will improve.

I'm having a right old weep here, It's very difficult to talk about this sort of thing in RL, to be honest.

I have no proof on the FB page thing - Obviously I did a thorough search on FB and found no trace. But if it's a private page, I wouldn't, would I?

I do worry that if somehow, we plucked up the nerve to fight for a move, that the same thing would happen. How would we know? He was ok at primary, is all i know.
My gut feeling is he has fallen foul of the pack mentality.

I've been that teacher or 3 occasions, the only one the child feels thay can talk to (I think I must come over as nice and mumsy, and even did when I was 25 when it first happened!).

I don't want to decry anyone I ever worked for, but the only time I have seen a situation as serious as this change is when the father in this case did what mittz did, in a village situation when everyone knew, and it was when the police finally got called to the school that things became different.

Your poor, poor ds. He sounds fabulous and so sure of his own identity, and you want to try to protect that at all costs. The school need to know why he is acting in a 'surly' manner (no wonder!) and his head of year/form tutor etc need to be spoken to before he goes back.

The head is probably in school from Monday at the latest, and all staff will have a couple of in-service days before the pupils return. IME you need to do this ne face to face if you can manage it, but as there will be no pupils in, can you either make an appointment or just pitch up at the school and ask for a meeting (problem with that is there might be training courses being delivered which would make people unavailable - I'd make an appointment but make sure that you say it is URGENT and MUST be addressed before pupils return).

You can also involve the Education Welfare Officer (EWO), especially by suggesting that your ds might not want to attend school if he is being badly bullied (affects statistics, they don't like that) and if the school don't help, talk to the LEA (I'm assuming you must be in England - here in Scotland it woudl be the education dept at the council) and also to your GP about the stress your ds is under, get it documented.

You should point out to the school about the FB page (can you find it? If you CAT me the names involved I will find it for you if you want) and print it out to let them see what is going on - this is cyber bullying and shoudl be stopped NOW.

I really feel for you and your ds. My ds was bullied last year at school (in Primary 3) by a boy who kicked him every time he got a chance, but I went in, talked it over and now it is all sorted (partly cos it is much easier to deal with with young kids in a primary setting, and partly cos we have a fabby school who take no prisoners over bullying!). That feeling of total helplessness on behalf of your ds is just awful ... you must be tearing your hair out over it all.

And congratulations on having such a quirky, fantastic and individual ds - I hope my kids will have than strength of character when they get to that age!

I was travelling 15 miles on two buses to get to school and back when I was 11. Are you SURE there isn't another school he could go to?

To me, it sounds like a dead-loss, the school he's at. Those children ain't gonna suddenly change and start leaving him be, they just aren't.

As much as it hacks me off that my suggestion involves moving the innocent party rather than the 'mean' kids - it's what I would do.

Second Daphne, the Facebook. Schools should be v hot on cyberbullying, it's a hot educational topic. If you approached the LEA for a move to another school this would be good evidence.

As well as tackling the bullies, the school should be giving ds strategies for dealing with bullying and encouraging likely friendships.

There sometimes are children that attract bullies more than others, but they are the children that need protecting more and the school should really be tackling the instigators with a zero tolerance approach. The fact,however, that ds was happy at primary but didn't move with his cohort would indicate it is the group he's moved into that are the problem, not him, but once they've seen him be bullied it's hard for the label not to stick and harder perhaps for others to make friends with him for fear of being targeted themselves.

But imo the school need to step up and you should approach them next week with a view to nipping this in the bud and getting ds off to a good start.

I have no proof of the FB page. Some child told ds it existed. Which was nice.

ds affects to not remember the child's name. I have searched FB using every comnination i can think of.

I second what a number of other have said; speak to the school as soon as possible.

My son was/is bullied and didn't want the school to know 'as they won't do anything'. Unfortunately it got to the stage where he started self-harming.

You can make them aware of the incidents that have been occurring. Even if you don't let your son know you are talking to the school. You can also state that you do not want him to be directly approached by the school in regard to the bullying. Though I would keep working on your son to either a) approach a trusted member of staff b) go with you to talk to school.

At least they are then aware and can be on the look out. If they aren't informed they cannot do anything about it. Some secondaries are so big they don't always notice,or some teachers may be aware of some bullying but not the extent.

You can apply to move your son to the school his friends are at; apply, this may be refused. Go down the appeal route, cite the bullying (helped if you can name/date incidents of bullying and when you have approached the school and their response).

Severena, are there really no other options? Maybe Education Otherwise would be able to put you in touch with a local home ed group that ds could join even on a temporary basis until another school place is found? There are also small schools that have started up to take bullied kids, do a google to see what is around.

It might be worth trying to move him into the school he did not get into - somebody has bound to have moved in the last year.

Try and see the the Head of the current school to make a complaint about the bullying. On Monday it would be worth getting in touch with the other school to see if a place has become available.

Good luck x

If the other school is full then it is possible to appeal for a place at the school and cite the bullying.

However I have lost count of the number of appeals I have done where bullying is alledged but there is no evidence to back up the allegation. As such most appeal panels will not allow an appeal around bullying unless the evidence is clear.

So I would agree with some of the other posters. It is vital that you talk to the school, get everything down in writing, asking them to resolve the situation. I am not saying that it will be resolved and in fact it is possible that the school may actually end up making the situation worse but you need to show that you have given the school every opportunity to resolve the situation. At present you have not involved the school at all.

This situation will never be resolved by doing nothing and the school need to be told that they have a problem with bullying, especially if the FB allegation is correct.

severena, I think also it is something about my son - not in a bad way, he's just different (e.g. joined the debating society in Yr7 when all the rest were sixth formers). He's great kid in that he refuses to change, probably seen as a complete goody two shoes. The teachers loved him as he was involved and engaging in class, never acted the clown, interested in learning and participating. It was a vicious circle of him being harrassed and tormented till he ended up losing his temper each time, despite ignoring them for days but they kept on and on till he just ended up flipping at them on a number of occasions. Of course, he got into trouble for that and I noticed the school changing, almost if his reaction was on a par with the initial bullying. I took him out as I didn't see it changing, he was marked as the one to wind up. I think, as someone said, it's then hard to make friends as people don't want to be associated with you. It worries me as while I love home education I'm not sure it's 100% right for him - he thrives on being involved in school life, not particularly for the education side of things. I worry about his future, how he'll fit in, whether home ed will turn him into an oddbod. Anyway, sorry this is turning into a post about me. I just want to say mittz's approach is fantastic. What guts. Also, re the FB stuff, my DS too had a page set up about him which a friend came across by pure chance - she typed in "I hate" (hopeing to get to a page about I hate seals being killed or something) and it came up with I hate and my son's name. I immediately contacted the school. They said they had no control over pupils outside school hours, didn't have access to FB at the school. The head of lower school - idiot that he was - said that he didn't believe the boy I said had set it up would do that type of thing as he had phoned his older brother (despite me having a printout linking this boy as an administrator of the page). I told them if it wasn't down by the end of the day I was phoning the police for harrassment. It was taken down.

I think it might be time to get a bit heavy with them. Go in and explain why your son is acting surly, tell them you expect them to take into account what has been happening to him and that you'll be keeping a diary and informing them of every event. Explain to your son he needs to tell you what's going on if you're going to stop it. If there is more than one incident from any particular person it is harrassment and you can report it to the police. Horrible, horrible situation. I know that gut wrenching feeling as it approaches the end of the school day when you wonder what state your DS is going to turn up at home in. If all measures fail by say the end of term I'd start speaking to your MP and LEA about supporting you for a school transfer. Now might be a good time to see if there are any spaces at his friend's school going into Yr8. He sounds a great kid. I tell mine that when he's in his 20s and 30s school will be a distant dream and that it isn't your whole life.

god, just seen how much I've written. sorry for the verbal diarrhoea

Start to keep a diary of bullying incidents. Get copies of facebook pages etc. As well as consistently reporting it to school. If possible get your son to talk to your GP (say you are worried how the bullying is affecting his mental well being).

This is evidence of the bullying. As someone said previously you can appeal for him to get a place even at an oversubscribed school on the grounds of bullying. You just need to have evidence.

I have tried to encourage him to keep a diary of events but he has refused point blank - he sees home life as a haven from all that sort of thing and is reluctant to talk about it.
I will endeavour to make him do this, as I can see it makes sense to have some proof.
I feel like a failure for not equippng him better, for not being to protect him, for raising a child who is 'different' like this.
Tab, don't worry about your posts, thank you for sharing your experiences. it is oddly comforting to know we are not alone, even if you have no magic formula. Same to you Mitz, I have followed your story and know just how brave you and your family have been over the years. x

It tarnishes everything. I feel I am becoming unhinged myself by it. I see groups of happy teens out together and want to cry, thinking: ''why can't my son have this?''

can i, bizarrely, apologise for the misplaced apostrophe in the thread title. Just noticed this morning and it is really bugging me

then again, maybe I only have one wit, so maybe it is correct!

I have a dd2 who is only 7 but in many way sshe sounds a bit ike your ds - she's quirky, bright, goes he rown way. Dd1, too, refuses to stop believing in unicorns and instead worship at the altar of Hannah Montana.

Thing is, I could try to 'teach' them how to fit in and be 'normal', but then all they'd get is the message that I don't approve of them, either.

My belief is that it is children who are like this who end up having a massively positive impact on the world as adults. They are the creative thinkers, the teachers who get into a child's world, the authors who write books that speak to them and not at them, the people who explain how the universe works or what God is all about.

It's getting them through to that stage without getting all that free thinking squashed out of them which is hard. But I really and truly believe that if you want to you will find a solution.

severena, I'm sure it's jealously at our DS's inner self confidence. I'm sure our boys will find their niche in life - I'm confident that mine will. I know your DS doesn't want to keep a diary but if he knows it is for a limited time and what it's for perhaps he'll be more ameniable. I think you need a plan - keep the diary, get the school to act on it, keep the pressure on till they stop otherwise fight to get him in another school. It's nothing we've done in terms of not equipping our kids properly I'm sure so don't worry about that. You're right, it tarnishes everything but I'm sure it won't be like this forever. Let us know how you get on.