Should we leave Edinburgh?

[medicalquestionnamechange]

Hoping someone can give me some advice as I've seen a few similar threads recently.

DH and I have lived in Edinburgh for around 9 years now and have a 2.5 year old DS. We never planned to stay here long-term but we've not moved yet. I'm constantly grappling with the decision of whether to stay in Edinburgh or move back south closer to friends and family.

We love Edinburgh. DH grew up near here and it is good for access to his family (now 1 hour outside of the city), although we don't really see them that much (they are lovely but very very busy). We like the city, the hills and the coast. We love the fringe. We live in a nice area with lovely neighbours, lots to do and easy access to the city centre (but we won't be able to stay here long term as the catchment secondary is not great). We used to have quite a good friend group (DH's school friends) but as we've passed 30 they've all become much less available or started moving away.

My main reason for wanting to move back south is, embarrassingly, I just don't have many friends here. I've put myself out there but I've found that people have either lived here forever and don't want / need new friends, or that they are only here temporarily (either they move back abroad or they move out to the suburbs - I don't drive and visiting is hard!). I've also found our many enthusiastic southern visitors have dwindled over the years as they've started their own families. We ourselves find it much harder and more expensive to get back down south now. We'd need to move area if we were staying here (schools and space) and I'm worried that we wouldn't fit at all into our preferred areas (Stockbridge or Morningside).

Sadly, the reality is that nowhere we are looking at moving to down south is anywhere near as nice as Edinburgh. Friends and family are spread out too so we'd still have to make new friends but maybe it would be easier? and it would be lovely being closer to everyone and not having to put so much effort into seeing people. Or maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing and friends will become a smaller part of my life as my child ages? (To add, being close to my ageing parents would be brilliant but they do make a lot of effort to visit us here so that is not a top consideration currently...)

We live in Bath and it's a bit like Edinburgh but smaller. Warmer. Maybe you can find somewhere similar in the South?

I’ve got teenagers now but most of the friends I see most frequently are mum friends made through getting involved in school activities. If you moved to a suburb now you’d get that started from primary upwards and there are some nice Edinburgh suburbs

Maybe you need to move within Edinburgh, or to surrounding village? If you love it here it seems crazy to want to move. I have family and friends who live in South Queensferry and Dunbar, both in modern housing estates and they seem to have made a great group of friends. Similar North Berwick and Portobello. Your son is still little so I’m sure you’ll find you make a good bunch of friends when they move to school. I also found that living quite centrally in Edinburgh, friendships seem to be quite transient as people generally moved out when they had children.

I left Edinburgh and have regretted it ever since!

Why would it be easier to make friends with strangers down south than up there? It's work and hobbies where friends tend to come from as you get older, not so much because they live on your street or see you at school. So it's about finding likeminded people which would surely be possible in a city like Edinburgh as much as anywhere else. Is there a reason you've not been able to learn to drive if that's a hurdle? It does sound like there's a lot to stay put for versus the gamble of alighting on some better spot down south. Different if there was a place you've got a group of friends or family you could slot into but that doesn't sound to be the case.

I'm from Edinburgh born and raised. I moved out to East Lothian when I had my second DC (who's now 2.5). There is much more of a sense of community in the towns on the outskirts of the city. LOADS to do for the kids in terms of clubs and a rivifies as well as the parks, beaches and countryside. It's a lot easier to make friends here than it is in Edinburgh where everyone is anonymous. We're less than 15 minutes on the train from Waverley so it's the best of both world I think.

activities*

Why those particular areas? Honestly I would stay but look further out - Trinity or Davidson's Mains or Corstorphine all nice (I only know north Edinburgh, sorry!). Or even outside of Edinburgh altogether.

Me too!

I live centrally in Bristol now with young (preschool) children and find it the same with transient mum friends moving in and out of the city. There probably is more stability in suburbs of every city in that sense, it’s just doesn’t seem as fun to us yet.

edited to add something more useful: Friends that have moved out of Edinburgh but stayed nearby have moved out to Musselburgh, Corstophine, Dunbar, Portobello, North Berwick and South Fife areas (Aberdour). All seem to be having lovely family lives and not too far out.

No specific knowledge of Edinburgh at all but just wanted to say that we based our location decisions around:

A Main earner’s job
B Education of dc
C Second earner’s job

My friends didn’t feature as a priority in the decision tbh.

I’m NOT saying that they aren’t important op, your happiness matters very much for its own sake, and the happier you are, the more your dc benefits, but I think that in a city the size of Edinburgh, there will be plenty of friend candidates, you just haven’t met them yet.

The Edinburgh area must be a great place to start clubs based on the arts or sports; book groups, craft hobby groups, choirs, climbing, cycling, etc.

Fwiw, I met life long friends at the primary school my dds attended when they were three to eight years old. And you are just on the cusp of that! Volunteering at school is a great way of meeting people as suggested by pp.

In fact, I’d go as far to say that it’s essential to your quality of life to gather a friendship group around you of about three couples of similar age and parenting outlook, who you like and trust, with dc at the same primary, with whom you can exchange play dates and sort reciprocal emergency pick ups and baby-sitting.

So my advice would be, instead of seeking out a new house location, start thoroughly investigating really great primary schools with a good, supportive family ethos and lots of family activities, maybe in the suburbs where young families settle, and base your decision around that?

It’s never too soon to think about secondary education either if you are buying a house.

Certainly your parents becoming more elderly is also an important consideration, especially with travel costs the way they are atm. But I think it’s wise to base your decision on where to live on more than your family, it has to suit you and your dc too. Your dc is your main priority really, so I would base your decision on criteria that will suit them as they get older and you can’t go wrong really, based on the Mumsnet ethos that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child!

Good luck with your decision.

I really relate to your post OP except I'm the opposite - Scottish, living in the south west. After 10 years here I had many people I was friendly with but I'd only managed to make one very close friend - and then she left. I have so many friends in my home city and I often thought why did I move 400 miles away from them. So I understand why you're thinking the way you are. But I now have a 4 year old and through him I have made three friends (and I can see the potential to make more through school activities etc). Having him has definitely helped me feel part of a community. So I'd say that wherever you live your child is at the age where they can be a gateway to new friendships in the coming months and years. I still feel I don't quite 'fit in' here - but I'm also aware that if I went home I might not fit in there after so long away.

As others have said think of moving out, East Lothian has a lot of growing towns with a lot of young families. Still easy to get into Edinburgh so best of both worlds.

Portobello and Corstorphine are both in Edinburgh.

I know that. I was offering my experience of where my friends have moved to after living centrally for many years and wanting more of a family community. Sorry I did.

Thanks for all the thoughts and insight! It does seem a bit silly reading back to want to move to be near my friends, but I think the posters who mentioned community have it. I just don’t quite feel at home or integrated here. I feel very anonymous and very very far away from my loved ones and I notice the distance more and more. It doesn’t help when the weather is bad and the nights feel long and I can’t get me and DS out so easily. I definitely don’t want to move out of the city (although I do like some of the suggestions on this thread!) as so much of what we like about being here is the city centre. Hanging on until school and hoping to build a community then is something I’ve thought about but then I worry I’d end up being committed to staying.

Hi @medicalquestionnamechange - your situation has lots of similarities with my own, except myself and my DH don’t yet have any kids and are both from the South. We’ve been in Edinburgh for the past 7 years and - like you - have really struggled to make good, lasting friendships. It feels like if you didn’t go to school or university in Edinburgh, making friends is really hard here. We’ve met some lovely people through work/hobbies but many of them have either moved away or just aren’t “in the market” for anything other than friendly acquaintance because they’ve already got family/friends nearby. We’ve been toying with the idea of moving back down South for the past couple of years, but our job situation would be worse (with most likely a lengthy commute into London), housing more expensive and the lives of our family and friends there have moved on considerably since we left. It feels like a massive gamble!

I assume that it’s not as simple as “just learn to drive” or you’d have done it so on that basis in your position I’d probably look to move to London so that I could genuinely rely on public transport and be in a situation where most other people don’t rely on cars to go about their daily lives. You do sort of run into the same problem in that people start moving out to Surrey once they start thinking about schools but there are usually enough lifers to create a community, especially once your DC start school.

I’m in Edinburgh with one DC/ -always up for a coffee :)

The fact that your family are all down south too - add in a second dc, your parents are a bit older/develop a chronic condition/can't afford to visit as much - it's a very difficult decision.

Most cities have the same issues of either people who've got their network set vs people that move around, moving on again.

School friendships being different challenges - you like the parents, but the children fall out, or the kids get on, but you aren't so keen on the parents. Your friendships down south might not be as easy now you have a dc as people enter that life stage at different points.

Good luck with it - it's neither silly nor straightforward to decide.

Is there any possibility of your parents relocating to be closer to you @medicalquestionnamechange? It’s something I’m exploring with mine, but totally appreciate it might not work for your / your parents. While you decide, it might be worth trying to meet some new people in Edinburgh in the new year - whether that’s through groups, hobbies or apps - to see if that changes how you feel.

I think you just haven't found your tribe yet. Edinburgh has loads of incomers so definitely not a case of everyone having grown up there and already have a friendship group.

I'd look at moving to one of the family friendly areas with good schools. Morningside, Corstorphine, Blackhall, Colinton spring to mind. As your son goes to pre-school nursery and then school you will meet plenty of families in a similar situation. Enrol him in activities and go along every week, you'll meet the same people to chat to and will eventually build a network.
Volunteer as parent helper at things he goes to.

It won't solve the distance from your family but you will have the opportunity to make friends in a similar situation

I live in Edinburgh and I think it can be easier to find people here than some other places just because so many people aren't from here at all. I'm an immigrant and found loads of my friends are the same - we have typical family holidays together etc as we don't have family here.

It was really only to say to be cautious about judging the secondary school situation too quickly. It's hard to know what a school is actually like until your child is much older. My daughter just started at secondary and it's a school with a pretty bad reputation but I'm thrilled with it. She has enthusiastic, lovely teachers and an amazingly supportive community - it's just been lovely. So I'd first think carefully about why you are totally against your current high school (if it's league tables, just ignore them really!)

@PurpleThistle7 this is my experience re:schools too, I wouldn’t be surprised if our DCs are at the same school. DC1 attended another nearby “in demand” school for an advanced higher subject and felt that the teaching there wasn’t as good as at their own school.

I live in Edinburgh.

Lots of ways to meet friends - have you heard of Flare? I keep meaning to go but it's regular activity-based meets ups for Edinburgh women that don't revolve around alcohol. Some of my friends I picked up from the school gates. Do you work? Colleagues also help broaden out your social circle.

Certain areas also have a more community-based vibe. I'm in Portobello and there's a very strong sense of connection and lots of opportunities to build relationships.

Making friends is much easier when you have primary school age children. Choose your area wisely for good and friendly schools and you’ll see their same people over and over again at school pick up or weekend parties and make friends that way.

As kids get older there are also opportunities to make friends with parents at their activities. I thoroughly enjoyed the ‘ ballet mums pub group’ - started as coffee but moved to pub opposite venue along with a couple of dads after a year or so - and the karate group were a good laugh - still in touch with a couple of them too.