Should we stay (in Edinburgh) or go (back home)?

[lovelylight]

I'm originally from the south east of England but I've lived in Edinburgh for almost 15 years. Married to an Irish husband with one DS aged 2. For the past year or so I've had this nagging desire to move back down south. DH is easy either way, would move if I really pushed for it but equally quite happy to bumble along as we are.

For the move:

• Better weather and longer days in the winter - I find the winters here so challenging and even the best summers just aren't as hot and sunny as they are in SE England.
• Easier to make friends, maybe? I've been trying to make new friends since I was on maternity leave with depressingly little success.
• Lower tax for the moment, at least, although council tax will likely be higher.
• More pleasant environment - Edinburgh seems so run down and grotty these days (or maybe I'm just more aware of it)?
• My home town is better for younger children - more walkable, loads of events on all year round, good schools, easy enough to get to bigger cities on public transport for teenagers.
• Closer to my parents so I could be there for them as they get older.

Against the move:

• We do have a couple of good friends here in Edinburgh and there's no guarantee of making new ones down south.
• Although we'd be closer to my parents, they would not provide childcare, and we'd move further away from my in-laws who do make the effort to fly over and help out every couple of months at the moment.
• Schools - DS is August born, which would make him one of the youngest in the year in England (although I do have concerns about the rigour of the Curriculum for Excellence too).
• Jobs - both DH and I are civil servants at the moment. Realistically we're looking at commuting into London several days a week and either taking on more responsibility to stay at the same level of pay or a pay cut. At the moment DH is full time WFH and I'm hybrid with a 45 minute commute.
• Much more to do for older kids and teenagers in Edinburgh.
• Free university - although I don't think that benefit will still be in place by the time DS is uni age.

My head says stay but my heart wants to go. Any words of wisdom?

The heart wants what the heart wants. Go where you'll be happiest. Every time.

Based on jobs alone, I’d stay.

Do not underestimate the misery of a London commute. Especially when your son starts school

Not that it's any help but I hate Edinburgh. I don't know what it is but every time I go there I just can't wait to escape.

I know Edinburgh is hideously expensive but surely London is defo worse - would you both not need to earn more to have the same quality of life? And the commute - surely Edinburgh is easier? I agree we can’t compete with the weather. I wouldnt do it if I were you but I’m Scottish and my heart is here. If yours is elsewhere sometimes that needs to be listened to. A real in depth convo with DH, kids etc is needed here.

You left your home town fifteen years ago - it won’t be the same place as you remember.

However, if you are not happy, then make the move.

I made a move the other way, out of the south east back home. The only thing that I miss is the weather.

Surely your in-laws would still fly to you. It's only an extra 30mins (if even) on a flight from Ireland to London airports.

We moved for 2 reasons, cost of living/ better lifestyle and family. Will you be worse off financially with the move? I would take the hit short term if we had better job prospects.

When I go back to visit friends and in laws the busyness and traffic are really noticeable.

Thank you all, these are really helpful things to think about. We probably would have better job prospects over the longer term if we moved... but the thought of a London commute, even a couple of days a week, is a bit daunting. And we're certainly not unhappy here by any means. I think it's helped me just to get these considerations down in black and white and hear the views of others, so thanks again.

Where in the SE? (Roughly).

I never found the commute that bad, you already have a 45 minute commute. And if your ILs fly to you, can they fly to you in a new place?

Cambridgeshire - so more East than South East really! It would be about an hour and a half into central London on the train. We could of course move somewhere else within a reasonable commuting distance to London, but it's that very general 'do we stay or do we go?' question that I feel like we need to make a call on first. Obviously the answer is to win the lottery and then never worry about commutes again 😁

I don't know how you consider Edinburgh isn't walkable, how events on all year round or have decent access to cities for teenagers!! It's very walkable and has probably the best bus service of any city in the UK.....Glasgow is less than an hour away and Newcastle 90min by train if you want "bigger city" shops or activities.
I bet you also can't see the sea and hills at the same time from any point in Cambridgeshire ;)

Edinburgh is the most walkable city ever! There the water of Leith, the canal, the pentlands are a short drive/ bus journey away, east Lothian has John Muir way and endless beaches, the braid hills, corstorphine hill... I could go on.

There's also endless activities for young children. All the art galleries/ museums have free activities. And there's an exhaustive list of classes, sports etc.

The weather I agree with but the rest is cock womble!

Ha, fair enough - I guess I feel there's not so much on for toddlers really? Other than bloody expensive classes! But I do agree that for school aged kids and up there's plenty going on. Perhaps it's that smaller place community feel that I'm really missing...

Ah but I'm from the Fens and all of those things are uphill (just kidding😂)

All good points and actually we're fairly handy for the Pentlands where we are but I'm embarrassed to say we haven't been for a hike in ages. I think we're all feeling like this spring and summer just didn't happen and now we're heading back into autumn again!

I live in Edinburgh but am from the SE and completely understand the weather thing - this year has been awful, and the thought of going back into months of walking the dog in the rain and sleet in the darkness is filling me with dread. Otoh, I love the city and the buzz - it's got everything really, from the Pentlands to the beaches and loads going on in the city. Beautiful scenery within an hour or so drive. We have family in Cambridgeshire and I can't get over how busy it is when we go down there - and the property prices are eye-watering. The villages are lovely, granted, but getting about seems to take ages.

Someone made the point upthread about a lot changing in 15 years and I think that's very important - you wouldn't be moving back to the same life, it would be very different. It's the time to do it though - you really don't want to move children from one school system to another.

I always thought Edinburgh was a great place for families - very walkable, excellent public transport, lots of activities - not all expensive eg national museum and botanics free. I used to go to lots of toddler groups when my kids were little- 50p or so for a cuppa, and a place where I made lots of friends. Are these not a thing anymore? Of course move back home if that's what you want at heart, but I genuinely think Edinburgh is a good place for families. (There are other issues of course eg curriculum for excellence....)

I personally wouldn't make any decisions based on the terrible weather this year. It has been miserable, but it was unusually rainy, not the standard at all. We usually have a lot more sun.

I find East Lothian much brighter than Edinburgh, though, so maybe that would be an option?

I'm not sure where you live in Edinburgh although I suspect closer to city centre? If you moved to the suburbs (Barnton/Blackhall/Silverknowes is nice with loads of cycling and walking routes plus access to Cramond promenade) in time for your DC starting school then you would probably feel much more part of a community.
Weather, I am with you.

It does sound like there’s a bit of tired of city life AND a bit of homesick going on? Is it possible to disentangle? The weather does matter for wellbeing - for me I’m the opposite and absolutely would not want to live in the SE of England in the heat and the drought (having done so for several years) and would take dreich any day.
so sorry you haven’t made many friends yet. Primary school can be a better place to do that - kids from my nursery went to all different schools whereas there was less movement at school age.

I wouldn’t choose to commute into London with young children. Realistically how long will you be away from home? 12hrs or more? What will be your wrap around care for primary school and how long will dc be home alone after school at secondary age.
For me one of the best things about living in Edinburgh is the 20-30min commute each way and easily walkable schools.

@SirChenjins excellent point about moving school systems, that's part of why I've been feeling a bit unsettled - it almost feels like we need to go soon if we're going to go.

@Theydontknowaboutus we do manage to go to a toddler playgroup, although sadly it doesn't charge 50p any more! I think a lot of the church hall type groups stopped during Covid and the gap seems to have been filled by more formal classes which aren't quite so good for making mum friends. I'll see if there are any more of those sort of mum and tots groups within shouting distance that we could try, though.

@GrouchyKiwi I was thinking this too, maybe the solution is to be somewhere with a bit more of a small town feel (and better weather!) but still have access to all that Edinburgh has on? Being by the sea would be amazing as well.

@HappierTimesAhead I only know that part of town to drive through but it could be another great place to have a look at! Better fire up ESPC 😀

@EBoo80 you're right - I need to sort out what's homesickness and what's a feeling of being a bit fed up of city life (or the weather, or feeling a bit lonely, or whatever). Oddly enough my parents moved out of London when I was a toddler to the very quiet town I grew up in, and while I understand their reasons now I spent ages 13-18 swearing I would never get why they moved us out of a big city!

@museumum you're right, I feel like so many people have to do those London commutes just because that's where all the jobs are, and we are lucky to live somewhere where we can afford to live within a reasonable travel time to work. DH and I both have good hybrid/WFH roles at the moment but so many employers, especially down south, seem to be big on getting people back into the office these days.

Thanks all - loads of insightful things to ponder over and I appreciate all your help.

I love visiting Edinburgh (we have family there) and I think it's a beautiful city. But I wouldn't like to live there for reasons I couldn't put my finger on (I always think when we're there what a "liveable" city it is, in terms of logistics). It just feels slightly heavy-going and I understand what you mean about it being difficult to make new friends. Some places have a friendly, open vibe to newcomers and some less so.

It’s interesting you refer to the town you spent your childhood as “home”. After 15 years somewhere else (maybe longer spent in Edinburgh than Cambridgeshire?) it’s striking that you still call it that. Does the place you’ve lived for 15 years, where you met your husband and had your DC, not feel like home? Why is that? As PP suggested I wonder whether there’s something else going on - maybe missing your parents, or guilt about not being there to help them.

I would love to live in Edinburgh. I would 100% choose that as a place to be a parent or even a child over a small town in the London commuter-belt. But it sounds to me like your desire to move isn’t purely logical, but driven by something a bit deeper. It might be worth asking yourself what that is.

I've lived in Scotland for 18 years. It is home. But I still call my town in NZ home as well. I think it will always be that; I lived there from when I was born till I was 23, after all. I don't think it's weird to call the town you're from "home" even when you're settled elsewhere.

I wouldn't move from Edinburgh to the Fens. I know that's where you grew up, but the landscape is so flat and depressing. I hated driving to the A10 to Wisbech every week. How is there more to do there for young children than in Edinburgh?

Could you afford to move to Cambridge city? Lots going on there for families young and old.

Following OP as I am in a very similar position, although my DC is one year younger than yours to the month. I don't quite recognise what you say about the environment or walkability though - this is one of our main reasons for staying. I've also made some really lovely mum friends but it did take some perseverance and trying out different groups and areas (and now I've found quite a few are moving out of the city anyway!)