Should we stay (in Edinburgh) or go (back home)?

[lovelylight]

I'm originally from the south east of England but I've lived in Edinburgh for almost 15 years. Married to an Irish husband with one DS aged 2. For the past year or so I've had this nagging desire to move back down south. DH is easy either way, would move if I really pushed for it but equally quite happy to bumble along as we are.

For the move:

• Better weather and longer days in the winter - I find the winters here so challenging and even the best summers just aren't as hot and sunny as they are in SE England.
• Easier to make friends, maybe? I've been trying to make new friends since I was on maternity leave with depressingly little success.
• Lower tax for the moment, at least, although council tax will likely be higher.
• More pleasant environment - Edinburgh seems so run down and grotty these days (or maybe I'm just more aware of it)?
• My home town is better for younger children - more walkable, loads of events on all year round, good schools, easy enough to get to bigger cities on public transport for teenagers.
• Closer to my parents so I could be there for them as they get older.

Against the move:

• We do have a couple of good friends here in Edinburgh and there's no guarantee of making new ones down south.
• Although we'd be closer to my parents, they would not provide childcare, and we'd move further away from my in-laws who do make the effort to fly over and help out every couple of months at the moment.
• Schools - DS is August born, which would make him one of the youngest in the year in England (although I do have concerns about the rigour of the Curriculum for Excellence too).
• Jobs - both DH and I are civil servants at the moment. Realistically we're looking at commuting into London several days a week and either taking on more responsibility to stay at the same level of pay or a pay cut. At the moment DH is full time WFH and I'm hybrid with a 45 minute commute.
• Much more to do for older kids and teenagers in Edinburgh.
• Free university - although I don't think that benefit will still be in place by the time DS is uni age.

My head says stay but my heart wants to go. Any words of wisdom?

I live in a large village just outside of Cambridge with a railway station and plenty of people here commute the hour on the train to London, though fewer than before Covid. Plenty of people cycle into Cambridge for work as well. Our weather always seems a bit better than where dh's parents live just outside of Berwick, but it is definitely prettier there. There is always a lot to do here and it's a multicultural community which I have found very friendly. It is the place I have lived the longest in my entire life, nearly 10 years! Edinburgh is gorgeous too. You do only have one life to live so think carefully about where you want to be. It doesn't have to be the exact same town, does it?

Just in case, and totally appreciate this isn’t a house-hunting thread, but perhaps if you could describe some of the specifics of your hometown that you liked, and we might be able to suggest commutable similar options for Edinburgh area? Linlithgow, North Berwick, Haddington, Dunfermline (the nicer bits) seem like they might tick some of your boxes. Considering what a non-city life in your current jobs could look like might be helpful?

A friend gave me some excellent advice when I had a similar quandry, don't decide now, just take the necessary steps towards the move. Decision will be obvious along the way or make it just before commitment.

I love Edinburgh, but if you feel that you’d be happier in a smaller community maybe Dunbar or north Berwick? Very good transport links to Edinburgh and good schools. Dunbar is known as ‘sunny sunny’ as it’s supposed to have its own micro climate! Won’t do much for the short winter days though. As far as Cambridgeshire goes, do you find yourself in line with the area politically nowadays? A friend from that area (rural) finds going home quite uncomfortable from that point of view.

@GoFigure235 Heavy going! That's a great way of describing it. Even when I was at my most starry-eyed about Edinburgh it did always feel that way a little bit. Something about the architecture/topography/weather combination gives it that vibe.

@Greenbike @GrouchyKiwi oh, I hadn't picked up on my own use of 'home' there - I'd meant in in the sense of 'home town', and I'd refer to my house and Edinburgh as being 'home' now - but maybe there's something subconscious going on there too. I definitely do feel guilty about moving away though, especially as my parents are getting older.

@circular1985 you're right, lots more going on for young kids here than in rural Cambs - I worded that poorly. I guess what I'm looking for is a bit more of a community feel, but that may just naturally come in time (or with a move to a more suburban/small town area nearby as PPs have suggested). Do love a flat landscape though 🙈all that beautiful sky!

@anedinburghmama you're right, perseverance is the key - knackering though isn't it?

I have lived in Cambridgeshire for the last thirty years, mostly in villages around Cambridge but more recently further north.

It's changed.

My then H now Ex used to commute every day down to London. I gave up my London job because the trains were not reliable enough for nursery pick up. He now wfh mostly with the occasional trip into London.

Parking at stations to get the train into London is tricky - Cambridge used to be doable but is now insane. Many drive to Royston.

Cambridge house prices are very expensive. Cambridge traffic has not improved and honestly I try to stay away from the place if I can.

Cambridge itself still has good schools both state and Indy but you'll pay a pretty penny to be in catchment.

Somewhere like Ely is now more pleasant and many people who commute into Cambridge now live Ely/streatham direction.

I know it's a bit early, but as it's important I will ask. What's your catchment area in Edinburgh as if it's a good one that makes a difference.

Lots of people used to park in our village to get the train and it was difficult to get a spot in the station car park but it has never picked up since COVID so not a problem these days. Our area just elected its first ever Lib Dem MP as well, so politically not the same as where I teach in the fens. Ely is beautiful and I would happily live there.

we moved from overseas to SE, small-ish town. before overseas we lived in Edinburgh. decided to move to new place in SE for DP to work in London and just for something different as we knew moving 'home' wouldn't be home any more. I quite often wish we'd just went back to Edinburgh as down here isn't home like Scotland is (but we are Scottish). the weather is SO much better, proper summers every year. but it's also so busy all the time, I can't get my head around all the little roads always having traffic on them. and it is definitely more difficult to make friends as an adult, even with school-aged children. I think you should look at North Berwick, get the smaller town vibe, with lots of new people moving there recently, nice community, amazing beaches, but still close to big city amenities in Edinburgh.

Edinburgh comes into its own when the DCs grow up a bit I think. I lived in deep
rurality as a teenager and the freedom my DCs have in comparison is amazing, they have even turned into enthusiastic walkers of late despite the free buses. The dog loves it too, he can be up Craiglockhart hill within twenty minutes and was keen to make the acquaintance of the badger we saw last week (thankfully he was on the lead or I fear that would have been a sore lesson learned).

I can’t really comment on friends at baby groups and I’m not the most sociable so didn’t really make friends at the school gates (I used to drop and run) but my DH did, getting involved with the parent council and one of my friends has a group of “school gate” friends who she holidays with.

@tadjennyp absolutely doesn't have to be the same town, I think just closer to family would be lovely. I also love the idea of cycling into Cambridge but I do remember the Fen winds! Agree Ely is gorgeous and the politics are, I hope, slowly improving...

@EBoo80 any excuse to resurrect my ESPC alerts honestly 😂it's a really good question. Off the top of my head: a nice wee high street, decent schools, community events going on, and access to a bigger city for the odd day out. We did think about Haddington for our last move but we thought 'nah, let's stay in the city'!

@Tumbler2121 I really like the idea of taking steps and letting the process decide for you, in a way. Someone once advised me during a job interview process 'don't forget, you're also interviewing them, you can turn them down at any time' and it took so much of the pressure off that situation too.

@Ohthere we would definitely be looking for a Lib Dem/Labour outpost somewhere rather than full rural Tory 😬(with no offence meant to rural Tories, I'm sure some of them are very nice people...) I've heard good things about Sunny Dunny! Being close to the sea would be amazing.

@Octavia64 the busy-ness of Cambridge and the area does worry me, as PPs have pointed out. Trains were atrocious even when I lived there.

@rookiemere we are in Firrhill's catchment at the moment - of course catchments and schools themselves could change in the future but for the moment there's no issue. We couldn't stretch to private and we aren't Catholic so it would be the catchment schools for us.

@wawawoo142 your words really struck me there: 'moving home wouldn't be home any more' and then 'this isn't home'. Reminds me a bit of that Welsh word 'hiraeth', like homesickness for something that's gone. (Makes me sound very maudlin: I'm not that bad honestly!) On a more positive note I will definitely add North Berwick to the list.

@Coughsweet you're absolutely right, Edinburgh really comes into its own for older kids. Not sure if I would have bet on the dog or the badger there 😂

@lovelylight a lot of perseverance! I've found some areas feel downright unfriendly. In your shoes I would seriously think about moving though. Our main reason for staying despite missing friends and family is love of the city itself, which doesn't sound like the case for you!

Off the top of my head: a nice wee high street, decent schools, community events going on, and access to a bigger city for the odd day out.
You've just described Portobello in Edinburgh!

I'm Scottish and find Edinburgh utterly depressing. Cold and dirty all year, full of tourists and tourist-tat. Physically soul-destroying despite outward appearances. Locals are very strange and shut-in, and not typical of Scots. It's not the real Scotland, a pretendy place sold to southerners as "special" in some way. It's just awful. No wonder you are unhappy! Move to a good part of Glasgow (west end or southside) or suburbs, or to rural west Stirlingshire, and the quality of your life will improve dramatically. Plenty of civil service jobs. Real people. Cheaper, more friendly, warmer (if wetter). You will make friends so easily. Lots of things to do for kids and teenagers in Glasgow and environs. All the best state schools are in the west, particularly East Dunbartonshire and East Renfrewshire (just look at the league tables, Edinburgh City well down, no-one ever asks why). Good private schools in Glasgow. Just get out of Edinburgh before you lose your joie de vivre.

Your current position is eerily similar to me a couple of years ago; I decided to make the move back down south (south east London burbs) from Edinburgh, I also had a 2 y/o ds at the time and was / am a civil servant!
For me it was 100% the right decision. People go on about how wonderful Edinburgh is and although I can see it objectively it just never felt home to me.
One of the main upsides of moving back for me was being closer to old friends - I wasn’t sure how many close relationships you still maintain down south apart from your parents - if not many, would you be essentially starting again?
Re. Your jobs, I wasn’t sure what you meant about having to take on higher responsibilities for the pay - I think equivalent grades pay about 10k more in London? Or at least that was the case for me. Also, the additional tax paid in Scotland really does add up.

Oh and finally, as so many have mentioned, the weather - I remember when we first moved to London ds kept turning to me with a look of wonder, saying ‘sunny and warm’!

See, I find some people in the west can be really dismissive, judgemental and rude. It’s a shame.

😂 I'm with you. This kind of hyperbole painting every person in Edinburgh in the same way is frustrating. And to describe the place where I live as a 'pretendy place' - wtf?!

FWIW, I love living in Edinburgh. I live in an Edinburgh suburb with a wonderful community feel. There are loads of families on our street and over the summer, the children were all in and out of each others gardens having a great time. We live a short walk from the sea. We can get a bus into the city in 20 minutes. We can get to beautiful places in East Lothian and the East Neuk of Fife incredibly quickly.

I grew up in a small village and I am so glad my children are getting to experience something different. We spent a day at the festival last weekend and I felt so excited that this is their life ; living in a capital city that hosts a festival attracting people from all over the world!

My biggest gripe is the weather. Instead of trams, Edinburgh City Council should have invested in some kind of huge radiator that surrounds the city....totally workable.

Cambridgeshire is flat, so no hills.

As PP poster said Ely or I would suggest Waterbeach are nice places to live with a train station and a good lot going on - lots of people commute and it works well enough

That was my point 🙄 it's possibly the most boring landscape in the UK!

Absolutely agree - Edinburgh is brilliant! Although a radiator would definitely be an added bonus.

There is a 2m difference in altitude between our village and the next one along! Yes, the fens are not spectacular like much of Scotland, but have an interesting beauty of their own, particularly in a full moon.

All the best state schools are in the west, particularly East Dunbartonshire and East Renfrewshire (just look at the league tables, Edinburgh City well down, no-one ever asks why).

No one ever asks because it's well known why!
25% of secondary pupils in Edinburgh are in the private sector. Most of them are high achieving kids going on to university.
If you put half of those into state schools the results would improve considerably

Thank you all for your excellent advice, and special thanks those of you jumping to the defence of the Fen landscape 😂what can I say, there's nothing like a place where you can see the weather coming!

DH and I had a good long chat about this yesterday evening and we've decided to stay put, for a year or so at least. Our mortgage deal will be up at around the same time DS qualifies for the funded hours at nursery, and that seems like a good time to start house hunting in some of the areas close to or in Edinburgh that PPs have mentioned and which may have more of that community feel. (I love Glasgow/the west of Scotland and would happily add that to the list but I might have to win DH over on that one...). I think this also gives us both time to think about whether this sort of homesickness is symptomatic of other things, as some of you have highlighted, like guilt over being away from aging relatives or just being a bit sick of city life. When the nursery fees finally drop we should have the spare cash to travel down to see my family more often too, which I hope will help.

A lot of you quite rightly said that the heart wants what it wants, and maybe a bit of my heart will always be elsewhere, but what I want more than anything is for DS to grow up as happily as possible. I think that's easiest to achieve here in Edinburgh, or at least close by, for now. (If he turns around to me in a few years and demands to start supporting Cambridge United or learning about fronted adverbials we can reconsider!)

Big yes to the giant Edinburgh radiator by the way. Where do I sign the petition?!

We are also in this position. We have lived in Edinburgh City Centre for 15 years and just don't like it anymore. Bad weather, unfriendly people, and I agree town is definitely looking run down and grotty. It's depressing. When you don't have to be here for work, and you don't have family here, and you're not from here, there's not a good reason to stay if you don't like it. I'm not sure where the grass would be greener for us though. We don't want to uproot our kids and our youngest still has 10 year to go at school. So for now we are going to look at moving out of the city centre and seeing if we're happier in one of the surrounding areas which hopefully might have a bit more of a sense of community. And if that doesn't work we'll figure something else out when the kids are grown. But you're not alone feeling this way! And yes I admit it could be this year's weather causing it.