Mum of 3 boys, holidays are always hard-help?!

[Mimitheminx4]

Hi there;

I have three boys aged 9, 11, 13. We have pretty busy lives during term time, they go to school, play football a few times a week and go to the park pretty much everyday after school. This is all great.

However in the holidays my husband and I really struggle to get our oldest and youngest out and about. To help with this, we got them to write a list of things they want to do.
For example, yesterday we told them we were going to the beach this morning with the dog and would be taking scooters, etc (on the list!) .This morning we decided we would take them for breakfast too as it was tricky getting them up. My middle one-autistic- loves spending time with us on his terms for things like this so he was ready and waiting. The other two gave us hell.
The oldest doesn't want to spend time with us at all, we are annoying and boring. The youngest one is incredibly stubborn and wouldn't get ready at all, and he does not give in at all, he will tantrum.
After an hour of this, my husband and I decided not to go as the mood was spoiled, and the poor dog needed walking so my husband has taken the dog out on his own.
I have taken away my sons tablets/ps/phone as since then he has raged at me about other stuff (scamming him on pocket money which I have not done/not allowing him to go out to a place an hour away with his friends when he lied about where he was yesterday/calling me names because I dare take away his stuff as a consequence.)
I am used to teenagers-I am a secondary school teacher- but I feel as if we are getting parenting so wrong. My teenager is a really nice, sensitive boy usually, but everything for him and the 9 year old always has to be on their terms and the teenage rage is ALLOT. I don't want to spend everyday of my own holidays stuck in the house but can't leave them on their own either.

Has anyone found a balance with this please? Or a creative way to get the kids involved with family time? In my head I don't feel like they should have sleepovers with friends/go to places they want if they can't do things we also want to do to be a family? Do I restrict the electronics more?

Sorry for the long thread it's just I am so worn out. It puts pressure on my marriage as by the end of all the arguing me and my husband are so exhausted (he is higher functioning autistic too) and we end up arguing.

It's their time off though, I would be a bit annoyed too on the first days of the holidays being rushed around and scheduled with things to do.

At 13 you can leave them at home? Just go and do your things and let them be. they need a rest too.

I don't know what ALLOT stands for, but you need better consequences. The middle child was punished here for being compliant. Poor kid was ready to go. Also, the younger one might need screening for ASD too.

id have left the 13 yr old and the 9 year old would be severely punished for the appalling behaviour.

@Orangesandlemons77
I get this. I just don't think the alternative -staring at his ps/phone- is a great alternative

@DorothyStorm
What do you count as severe punishment? He has already been sanctioned, I dont have anything left to take away and he has been grounded.
My middle one hasn't been punished, my husband is going to take him out later, we have explained this to him and he is fine.
The other two do have traits of ASD if I am honest, but as a teacher and a parent of a sen kid, whether they have screening or not, it doesn't change anything and I need better strategies, which is what I am asking for on this thread. I am by no means a walkover!

Been here, done that with a similar mix.

You have a few more options than when they were small.

You can leave the oldest if they don't want to come.

You can 'divide and conquer' - take the one that wants to go and have a great time, leave the others with the other parent having a chill day.

You say 'you decided not to go as the mood was spoiled' - that isn't fair to the child that behaved well and feels a bit like an adult sulk - although sounds very familiar to what happened with my DH for a Christmas outing (the only one!) when the teens didn't immediately jump out of bed and get ready.

Give them warning. Give them time. Give them options.

But if it really matters then you have to cheerlead/push/cajole/threaten them all into compliance - I did quite a lot of this which is quite exhausting but in the end we had a nice time.

You’ve sanctioned a teenager for wanting a lye in during the first week of his holidays?
Blimey. Good luck in the years to come.

Thank you for understanding. I think it's because we always have a nice time that we try so hard tbh! My husband does not have as much patience as me tbh and he is the one who called it this morning. He is also stubborn and so I spend my days regulating 4 x male moods. I love all of them though and we have a nice life so need to learn to live with this part of it haha!

This. Really unfair to the one who has been good and cooperative.
We split forces a lot when mine were younger. It is ok to want a day to relax and chill. One to one time with a parent is really important too.
In that particular situation I would have sent dh, good child and dog to the beach and sent the other two to do quiet stuff separately, got on with my own stuff in peace.
Siblings need a break from each other.

@MrsSkylerWhite no i haven't sanctioned him for a lie-in. For the lairiness and the lip and verbal, this is fair enough, no?

Also, I posted on here to ask for help. It always amazes me so many people like to jump on and criticise.

@endofthelinefinally it isn't quiet stuff though. It's electronics they will want to go on and I don't want them on these all day!

As explained my middle child is going out with my husband later today and is happily watching a film right now.

I have three boys though slightly more spread in ages. I agree that divide and conquer is your friend - middle son could have gone with one parent, though I appreciate this means one parent misses out. You may find the next time the others are more keen to come when they realise that dragging heels means missing a trip. Or, they genuinely just needed chill time and will be more up for a trip another day as they've done that relaxing

What are general rules around screen? (Appreciate the devices are away now). In holidays I relax ours a little but still keep some limits so they can have the same amount of time a day but play every day, or keep to their usual screen days but play for longer

It sounds like you are forcing the out and about stuff to reduce the screen time (me too!) but maybe you could also think about ways to keep them off screens without having to go on a big pressured trip.

I have to admit that it was easier when I didn't take DH as he had rather rigid ideas about how things should go that did not work at all well with the personality mix of our children.

I think rationing the screen time is a separate issue and you need a policy that is enforced regardless of who is in or out, not related to other activities. Confusing the two will cause more problems. You and dh will have to sit down and work out the screen time policy and stick to it.
I can see how 2 dc didn't want to go out if access to screens was a viable alternative. If they knew it wasn't, would they have been more amenable to going out?

@squarestones
I admit we haven't been great with this thus far-we generally let them on them from the afternoon onwards but the oldest expects to have his phone 24/7 although usually I get it off of him in the evening and I monitor it anyway.
I guess I don't see the beach as a big trip as we are lucky enough that it's only down the road for us. It not like we are taking them out far away?
Thank you for your comment-what do you do re electronics?

@endofthelinefinally well this is what I think, as if they don't have them in the morning which they don't; they might be more keen to go out?
This doesn't mean they don't ask for them though and the teenager has his phone.
The alternative is sitting there watching tv or drawing etc (am art teacher so there is an abundance of play things they can do but they usually say this is all boring!). This morning was also on their list of stuff they wanted to do so I am just trying to do it with them 😂

The problem is that very few things can compete with the instant gratification of screens. Zero effort, big reward. Yes, going to play football with friends would actually make them happier....but effort. I think you have to help them reestablish that "neural" relationship though by letting them get bored enough to make plans.

My DS is now 14 and last summer I was kind of despairing of the amount of phone time, which was turning him into a mardy, sluggish PITA. What I've basically said is no phones before midday unless he needs it as going out to meet friends, and even then I'm not just letting him sit there scrolling in his pants all day. Also no phones overnight. But at the same time if he doesn't want to come out then he doesn't have to. He just has to find something else to do.

I gave up the fight against screen time. My daughter downloaded a bunch of art packages on her iPad and either draws or plays Roblox with friends. We go on night time Pokemon walks. It’s not much different to my teenage hobby of reading, I would like to have been left alone to read all holidays. I have a lot of books on my phone and enjoy researching things on the net so I’m as bad.
As ridiculous as it sounds if you want to spend fun time with your kids start gaming with them

I'm afraid 13 is about the age they start to push back when it comes to spending time with family and younger siblings....

Any sports camps near you?

@LaPalmaLlama totally agree with you re screens.
How/do you monitor the phone in the morning for just plans? His phone has been in my pocket and snapchat is going wild on a group chat for a game called Siege. He doesn't have his ps controller rn but it doesn't help all of his friends do (which he has no trouble telling me 😂) I would like to have a go at doing this just seems hard to do with all of the apps on it. I annoyingly have a Samsung and he has an iPhone so I can't even restrict the background apps either I don't think.

It is really hard but I do think rationing screen time is vital for dc mental health. You and dh have to get on the same page and present a united front.

Not criticism. Pointer. Been there, twice. You’ve leapt straight to pretty severe sanctions for perfectly normal teenage behaviour.
The next few years are going to be hard going if you don’t ease up a bit.
As a PP said, they’ve reached the age now where they ought to be given choices and options.
Teaching teenagers is nothing like co-existing happily with your own.

@Happyinarcon would love it if it was drawing apps but it's bloody fifa/siege. Also evening walks don't work well as they would be a nightmare to get off of it all.
I don't think I have the tenacity to do fifa 🤣 Crash Bandicoot however 👅

@Comedycook lots but they won't go! Also they know I don't drive/am off so it'll be a nightmare to get them to go. I wanted them to go to tennis or boxing. Football was on but the difficulty we have is locally the sports camps tend to be full of younger kids and my youngest likes to be with his age/older.

@Mimitheminx4 so basically, they both (have a 12yo DD too) have to hand their phones to me at 9pm and they don't get them back until midday the next day, unless there are prearranged plans and they are leaving the house, in which case they can take them with them when they go. They used to do the whole "Oh well how can I make plans if I don't have my phone?" thing but I soon realised that no plans were ever made and they just scrolled. They are yet to miss out on social occasion of the year by not having their phones before 12pm :-).

I lost the screen time battle somewhere around the ages yours are.

I'm definitely blaming DH because he's a gaming nerd whose main connection with them was through gaming and any time I was at work I would come back to them all on some kind of device. He also set up PCs in each of their rooms (with multiple screens) which was meant to be for studying but totally turned into endless gaming.

I fought very hard to give them a childhood full of time outdoors and arts/crafts/music/theatre/museums/trips out. He pushed sports to be fair to him.

But... there comes a time that you just can't compete with the lure of the screen.

No matter what IT restrictions DH put on their devices/phones/computers they found a way round them (one would figure it out and tell their siblings - it was one true area of co-operation)

They're adults/near adults now. Work restricts their screen time at least, but it's still very important to them.

I hope you're all out in this glorious weather together! - very jealous of being near a beach.

@MrsSkylerWhite I don't understand the severe reaction bit-what am I supposed to do when he is screaming and shouting at me? I don't see how it is beneficial to just let it go? Why should I? He isn't able to do that in the street and I definitely don't want him doing it to a girl when the time comes so he isn't doing it to me...

Also, I am aware it's two different things ie teaching and parenting. And why I am asking.
All your post has done now-twice- is tell me how you think I need to ease up. How?