Mum of 3 boys, holidays are always hard-help?!

[Mimitheminx4]

Hi there;

I have three boys aged 9, 11, 13. We have pretty busy lives during term time, they go to school, play football a few times a week and go to the park pretty much everyday after school. This is all great.

However in the holidays my husband and I really struggle to get our oldest and youngest out and about. To help with this, we got them to write a list of things they want to do.
For example, yesterday we told them we were going to the beach this morning with the dog and would be taking scooters, etc (on the list!) .This morning we decided we would take them for breakfast too as it was tricky getting them up. My middle one-autistic- loves spending time with us on his terms for things like this so he was ready and waiting. The other two gave us hell.
The oldest doesn't want to spend time with us at all, we are annoying and boring. The youngest one is incredibly stubborn and wouldn't get ready at all, and he does not give in at all, he will tantrum.
After an hour of this, my husband and I decided not to go as the mood was spoiled, and the poor dog needed walking so my husband has taken the dog out on his own.
I have taken away my sons tablets/ps/phone as since then he has raged at me about other stuff (scamming him on pocket money which I have not done/not allowing him to go out to a place an hour away with his friends when he lied about where he was yesterday/calling me names because I dare take away his stuff as a consequence.)
I am used to teenagers-I am a secondary school teacher- but I feel as if we are getting parenting so wrong. My teenager is a really nice, sensitive boy usually, but everything for him and the 9 year old always has to be on their terms and the teenage rage is ALLOT. I don't want to spend everyday of my own holidays stuck in the house but can't leave them on their own either.

Has anyone found a balance with this please? Or a creative way to get the kids involved with family time? In my head I don't feel like they should have sleepovers with friends/go to places they want if they can't do things we also want to do to be a family? Do I restrict the electronics more?

Sorry for the long thread it's just I am so worn out. It puts pressure on my marriage as by the end of all the arguing me and my husband are so exhausted (he is higher functioning autistic too) and we end up arguing.

Amazing thank you @LaPalmaLlama . I am going to try this. I really appreciate your help.

@user1471538275 thank you. My husband is not a gaming nerd but the screens benefit him as it means he can do his own thing (diy etc). Him and my OH are out on their own now, I am with the other two watching a film. I might go to the beach later to recover on my own 😂

My youngest ds would get a bit like that when he was hungry. He is 18 and I still know when he needs to eat by his mood! I would just let them chill for a while and rearrange the beach day (it sounds so much fun) for a different day. I wonder if stopping at MacDonalds on the way for breakfast might help make the beach day a bit more attractive?

@DuskyPink1984 well it would certainly make it more attractive to me 🤣 He is defo the hangry type too but not even the offer of breakfast out was tempting him today.
Perhaps they are just really tired, I just need some solidarity as this stuff is hard! Thank you x

I found going out with the WiFi router and x box controllers in my handbag tended to get the message home.

Teens lying in I can’t get stressed about, I remember doing the same. Plan for the afternoon

At 13, your eldest needs to be treated differently to his siblings.
I would no longer expect him to join you for morning activities. He’ll probably be more amenable in the afternoon.

Hi @Mimitheminx4 how was the rest of the day? Hope it went ok. Like you say, it's hard navigating different moods and preferences especially with the added complication of screen.

I'm on phone so will try to be quick in answering your question on electronics. For context our day to day rule for the middle son who is most tricky about screens is that he has 3 weekdays and 1 weekend day when he can game, and on those days there is a rough limit of 1.5/2 hours weekdays and maybe 3 on weekend but depends what else is on. I'm not strict about the time limit so if a friend turns up on a game near the end he may go quite a bit over.

On holiday we tried doing the same sort of time limit but allowing it everyday, and it got a bit annoying for both of us. It works better with his older brother who is generally better at self regulating so he will stop and take a break more often. But middle gets really absorbed and hates stopping so it works better, we found, for him to have some days where he has basically limitless gaming and some where there is none or almost none. That also works for me cos I can plan a few days with trips or activities and a few days where I do stuff at home or work.

Only the eldest has a phone and he'sallowed it all day but not on it too much tbh, his vice is pc gaming and like I say he's pretty good at knowing when he's done a fair bit and stopping if I remind him. He has been doing a lot of scrolling on YouTube shorts but I don't bother too much as he stops when we do things so it feels ok.

This week the middle and youngest are at activity camps so not having to navigate all this but next week we will be off so doing all the juggle and needing to tread that balance of letting them relax but still keeping things a bit active or creative.

One thought I had is that a trip to beach may not seem like a big one to you, but maybe it does to a 13yo? I often make plans and when my son is less than enthusiastic I realise that my perception of an easy journey or a quick trip is not the same as his.

I think you need to start collaborating with them and being flexible. Really value their input and ideas be a firm support as they learn to start regulating their use of screens and balance their needs/wants/social time. Both you and your husband need to be on board with the same approach with your screens or whatever might distract you from spending family time together or one on one time. The best way they will learn is having it modelled to them. So them seejng conflict resolution will be key.

I try to approach with compassion and curiosity. Absolutely say hey that attitude or shouting at me is unacceptable is there a way we can go forward differently with communication? What's your ideas? What's going on for you? Is there something I don't understand about you? Is there something I do that you'd like me to change or compromise.

Don't take it personally when they rail against you . Hard to do I know. But they are just checking the boundaries. The same way we all do on a rollercoaster is this seat belt or bar really going to keep my safe? Push push.

Also you mention you feel responsible to regulating your husbands mood. That needs to change and he needs to be responsible for himself. He definitely need to be modelling what he wants his sons to learn and emulate. He is their direct male role model.