I hate living like this

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I hate my life. I hate my husband. The only person I don't hate are my kids.
I'd never have agreed to stay at home if I'd known things were going to get so bad.
No I can't go back to work unless someone can find me a job TTO that only requires 2 hours a day.
I just hate it. I wish I'd made my husband because the SAHP just so he'd get it but he never will. Not that he cares anyway.

There are a couple of issues. I know my H really wanted a son. We had two girls and although he was really good with them always hinted at wanting a boy. 12 years later he got his wish but he struggles because of DS SEN. It took me forever to convince him DS had SEN which he did accept eventually (we have an official diagnosis now) and I think this is not what he wanted.
H can barely cope with looking after DS for a couple of hours and while I know he does love him I feel his frustration that DS is not NT.
Do I hate my husband? Honestly I don't know. We do have some good times but I feel unappreciated, like a lot of the time. So often it feels like he doesn't care.

You have no idea how much he earns, he’d have to be a very high earner indeed to pay enough child maintainence to both support th3 kids and pay someone a full time wage,

I have told him so many times. He says no so I'm stuck

How recently was the diagnosis? He wouldn’t be the first person to struggle to accept it, which is not an excuse, just it happens. Again what kind of help do you ask for and for when? What is his reasoning for saying no other than you’re the one at home, does it indicate it’s day time help?

You couldn’t employ carers for say two or three days a week to allow you to work, would your wage cover that?

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I agree with others that you need to have a serious chat with your husband, if you both can earn the same then could you both work part time hours for example, so that financially there is no difference but practically you both get some “adult” time albeit at work?

If he’s not willing to bend at all on anything then really your only option is to leave, only you know whether you’d be happier or better off that way though or whether in reality you would just be in the same position with financial worries added in.

That sounds very hard. Please disregard my previous comment re after school clubs etc.

OP

If I were you I'd just run away.
One Saturday morning wake up before your husband and just go. Have cards and as much cash as reasonable prepared, and a small bag of clothes prepared the night before, and just go.

Once you're on a train or something, text him that you left, and then turn off your phone. Try to make the money last as long as possible, sleep in airports if you can.
In the meantime he'll have to figure out a solution, the longer you stay away the more you can impose that being permanent when you come back. I.e. solution not being you being SAHM all the time .

How much does your H work and what does earn? Could you match or excede?

H can barely cope with looking after DS for a couple of hours

And yet he expects you to do it all day, every day?

He cannot be forced.

I'm sorry, OP. It's hard. ❤️

That sounds really hard, I have no advice but wanted to acknowledge your post and I hope things improve

@ACatNamedRobin I assume you're not a parent and especially not a parent of a child with significant special needs.
What a crass thing to suggest. Walk out on a very vulnerable child and leave him with a parent who can barely cope with him for a couple of hours? You think the child is expendable?

@Stressedoutmummyof3 definitely needs more support but is hardly likely to get any peace of mind just abandining her child.

@Seelybe why is leaving children with their father seen as abandoning them?

This is part of the propagation of a misogynistic culture that dictates that a woman must always put herself last, and never inconvenience "her man" in the slightest. Her husband would find a way when he needed to do so, if she stops always doing it all for him.

Would you advocate he runs away and stops supporting them financially. Who the fuck runs away from their own kid. And sleeps in airports.

there are clothing solutions to solve the stripping and smearing. Have a look at the fledglings website for ideas . At least that will be one problem solved and there is a support thread running for parents struggling with autistic children as well which might help you to feel a little bit less alone. x

I'm not going to run away, although it is sometimes tempting but I wouldn't do that to any of my kids. I never want to abandon them.
Things I ask for help with is usually stuff I just haven't managed to do in the day. Maybe emptying the washing machine or running the hoover round. I don't ask during the week but I don't think it's too much to ask at the weekend. He will help with bath time if I ask and he takes DD2 to her sports event.
It's all come to a head because yesterday I asked him to clean DSs room as I just couldn't face it. You'd think I'd asked him to produce a million pounds or something. He said it wasn't his job because he goes to work (not on the weekend) and I asked why I'm supposed to work 7 days a week and he said it's the role I chose but I never knew it was going to be so hard.
He won't go part time as I have suggested both of us working part time. H just keeps telling me I can go back to work when DS is in school full time (as long as it's term time and school hours) but I don't know how long that will take.
I feel miserable.

Unfortunately we have tried back zipped clothes before and he still removes them. We have tried ones that you pull on he removes them.
I have no idea how he gets his clothes off when they have a back zip but somehow he does.

If he's waking in the night and smearing, maybe you could get a melatonin prescription to help him sleep through. Having a solid block of 'off' time while DC sleep makes such a big difference as a parent carer.

Was it DC that wasn't coping with more time as school, or was it the school that wasn't coping with him? He is entitled to a full time school place, so you can insist the school keep him. If they are making you collect after 2h, that's an illegal exclusion.

Maybe you can talk to the school and explain how much your struggling and ask to look for solutions where he stays in school for more of the day. If DS can't cope in the classroom any longer then that, is there anywhere else in school he could be. I'm assuming with his needs he'll get 1:1 suport, so they could take him to a sensory area, or for walk round the play field, or whatever will keep him regulated.

awww OP I really hear you, I've been there, is there anyway you can get a roomba to set to vac while you deal with the dc once they are down? I never got one, but the idea of me setting it to run while I settled my SEN DC seems bliss.

keep off loading here if you feel it helps, home can be a really lonely place when you are a full time carer-parent and have a spouse who just isn't on your team in any meaningful way

x

you are dealing with a lot.
your husband is being selfish and shortsighted - maybe he doesn’t realise this.

I wonder if he’s considered how he would cope with 50/50 parenting or paying maintenance to see his kids every other weekend.

it’s never easy with SEN, especially when they are profoundly affected but having a supportive partner makes the world of difference.
honestly the best advice I can give you is to take the respite you need. Don’t ask. Just tell him what you are doing and then do it. It may be a literal shit show the first few times but he’ll get used to it.

Yes he may find it hard with his son but he won’t get better without practise.

he certainly won’t be the first father to find the whole disability thing embarrassing. No judgement. It’s hard but the more time he spends alone with his son the more chance he has of really understanding him and appreciating the good parts.

If you carry on like this you will get sick and he will have no choice but to step up.

Don’t ask for permission. You’re an equal partner (actually I’d say more than equal - he could never afford to pay anyone to do everything you do).

Has DS had a home OT assessment? That can look at making the house better meet DS’s needs. For example, they can help with a specialist bed so that if DS smears, it is somewhat contained and not all over the room.

When is your hearing date? Have you requested an expedited hearing?

When did DS turn 5? Was it last year or this year? If last year, he is already compulsory school age. If he can’t attend school full-time, the LA is responsible for ensuring he still receives a suitable full-time education. Have you requested alternative provision? If DS turned 5 since the start of the year, he won’t yet be compulsory school age, so whilst the LA has the power to make alternative provision, they don’t yet have the same duty to under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, so they mostly don’t. But DS will be CSA from next term.

Is DS receiving everything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP? The LA is still responsible for ensuring that is received even if he can’t attend school.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS.

Depending on DS’s needs, have you considered if he would be eligible for children’s continuing care funding?

No advice but you have my sympathy OP. It sounds like a really really tough situation to be in. Just a sanity check- anyone would find this hard. It’s not just you. ❤️

Your husband is a selfish prick, I’m sorry. He doesn’t care about your sanity or wellbeing, so you have to do that caring for yourself. Do NOTHING for him please.
please self refer to early help and tell them everything and that you need respite. seek help from your LA’s independent parent advisory service- explore a personal budget to use for a special needs nanny (their are agencies for this) for the hours he should be at school but isn’t at school. The local authority abd tour husband are failing you.

id be temped to do something quite drastic like give my husband a countdown to clean sons room when it’s his turn and if he doesn’t then smear the poo all over his work suit or car. He deserves this. What is he going to do, divorce you and try and get full custody of the children?